Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

One-Liner Jokes

1…176177179181182…195

Comments

  • #5342
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    We had a match against a team from the local quarry. We beat them 2-1 on aggregate.



  • #5343
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Got arrested for stealing Engelbert Humperdinck Records but Police released me, let me go.



  • #5344
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    As soon as I saw my wife in gloves and a green jersey I knew she was a keeper.






    She kept the house, the car, and the bank account.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5345
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I saw a river with a small dam-like structure, with the water running over it.

    I thought to myself "That river is weired".



  • #5346
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have just deleted the 20th junk email from a famous psychic without bothering to open and read it.

    You would think they would have got the message by now.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #5347
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants!

    I said, "For God's sake petal, where did all this stem from?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5348
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://twitter.com/MooseAllain/status/1654804191938789379


    ...



  • #5349
    BENDYBINN
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭BENDYBINN


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120561292#Comment_120561292

    You sowed the seed of resentment a long time ago.



  • #5350
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Is everyone okay? I just heard there was a nuking in London.



  • #5351
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher.


    I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order.


    The boss reckons I am dishlexic.



  • Advertisement
  • #5352
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Elvis Costello has just launched a new Mediterranean sausage and they taste great.

    I think Olive Salami is here to stay.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5353
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Spent an hour today trying to recapture my lost youth.


     


     


    I really should get that basement door lock fixed



  • #5354
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,198 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    A male strolls into a tavern carrying a thesaurus.



    If two vegetarians are having an argument, is it called a beef?



  • #5355
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My neighbour told me her cat needed to be chipped.

    I only had a 9 Iron but I still got it over the fence!



  • #5356
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I had to join the Dire Straits tribute band when they made me a Knopfler I couldn't refuse.



  • #5357
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I am pleased to say I got into the Red Arrows.


    I passed the exam with flying colours!!



  • #5358
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Be warned; if you drink and drive after the Eurovision, you may end up with more points than the United Kingdom.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5359
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,800 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    I always thought an Oxymoron was a failed university student.



  • #5360
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My Half-Brother and I, aren't allowed to play with chainsaws anymore

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5361
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Me and my lass going through a rocky phase at the moment....


     


     


    She wants me to take up Boxing and start calling her Adrian



  • Advertisement
  • #5362
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Never ask a hitman to take out your dog.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5363
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just found out that Richard Gere's father was a famous German ventriloquist.

    His name was Gottler.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5364
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    When I was growing up, we were so poor, all my clothes came from army surplus store. 


    I was the only Japanese General in my class.



  • #5365
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Fat 70’s Scottish Band.


    “Obesity Rollers”.



  • #5366
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are talking about some creepy guy next door.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5367
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of the car so I had to pop the trunk.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5368
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,800 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    Had a cleaner one time. Her time keeping was a bit 50 50. 50% of the time she was late, but she made up for be being early as often.

    She was 15 mins late arriving, but made up for it by leaving 15 mins early early.



  • #5369
    byrner88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    When I was a kid I used to walk the plank....


    We couldn't afford a dog!



  • #5370
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Philip Schofield has turned down the jobs at both Leeds Utd & Spurs as he fears both could damage his reputation.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #5371
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’m dating a bin lady at the moment but I can never remember if I’m supposed to take her out on a Monday or a Wednesday!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



Advertisement