Situation with ex/exes friend

Danni21 · 19-06-2023 1:58pm #1

Hi,

I'm just looking for some advice on a situation i've stupidly got myself in. Long story short I broke up with my abusive ex about a year ago. Been to court several times and finally out the other side. We know a lot of the same group of people. I had drinks with a mutual friend of ours. (he'd know my ex longer). I'd been chatting to him previously about the situation with my ex and he knows what he can be like. Anyways I'm not proud of it but we ended up sleeping together and had quite a boozy weekend. I know his ex gf too. I just feel like the worst person in the world. I know i'm going to get severe judgement over this. His mam was in the house and messaged me asking me to leave. I feel like i'm been fighting a losing battle with people not believing how bad my ex is and this isn't going to help. I feel so guilty and bad about his ex gf etc. Just looking for advice on how to handle this situation?

Princess Calla · 19-06-2023 2:05pm

It's done, can't be undone.

Realistically you are both consenting adults so are free to do what you like.

Just keep your head down, say nothing. It will blow over in a few days.

I see sheep · 19-06-2023 2:06pm

You didn't so anything wrong, don't worry about it.

Danni21 · 19-06-2023 2:22pm

There will be uproar if my ex finds out and this is just another reason for him to try poison people against me

19-06-2023 2:27pm

There's nothing you can do now, just ride it out. Keep your head down and it'll blow over

Princess Calla · 19-06-2023 2:30pm

Your ex has no say in how you live your life.

Just ignore him and his entourage. There are people who absolutely thrive on drama. The best way to deal with them is starve them.

Detach yourself from these people and move on with your life.

They'll move on to someone else once you don't react.

Danni21 · 19-06-2023 2:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120735203#Comment_120735203

You're probably right. I just feel like a sh***y person for doing this on his ex gf. I've been the one accused of being a drama queen through this whole situation which is so draining. Feel like this is just going to add more fuel to the fire.

19-06-2023 2:57pm

You are NOT a sh1tty person, get that out of your head right now. You are a traumatised person, saddened, you were seeking comfort in the way ordinary de ent humans sometimes do.

It may be hard to do now, hold your head up high, there’s plenty of good life can bring you that you deserve, and vice versa. I think one issue might be the circle you mix in, of course it’s nobody’s fault that your ex is a cr@p abusive human being, but it might in your best interest overall to get into a different circle of friends. This can be hard to do, and you may feel very lonely for a while as we all crave familiar company, it’s in our nature. But you could build on getting involved with people with various interests. Google Meetup, which many people use to form bonds of friendship, companionship and perhaps romance.

Hannibal_Smith · 19-06-2023 2:58pm

Have you ever spoken to someone professionally about your ex? I think you need help putting him in your past. If you sleep with someone else that's between you and the person you have sex with. It's nothing to do with your ex. The ex girlfriend, depends whether she was a friend of yours or not, but again any issue she has she needs to get over and isn't your problem.

This guy knows about your ex so chances are you felt a connection because someone finally saw your side. Who's to say anyone else will even find out about you and the friend?

Either way I think getting help with the break up and putting it securely in your past so you can move forward with your life is the key here.

Danni21 · 19-06-2023 3:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120735353#Comment_120735353

It is good to have someone that understood and actually listened to me. I definitely do need to distance myself. I was made feel by his family and other friends that everything was my fault and treated horrendously. So it's hard not to feel crap

Danni21 · 19-06-2023 3:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120735358#Comment_120735358

I was seeing a counsellor who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse. Funds are a bit tight at the moment but I plan on going back.

happyoutscan · 19-06-2023 3:27pm

Move on and enjoy your freedom.

hayrabit · 19-06-2023 5:23pm

sorry for your troubles OP

his "ex girlfriend" ? why would you care about her I'm wondering; is she a very recent "ex" ?

no reason to feel guilty - you've split up someone , and had relations with someone (single , presumably) else,, the world still turns

nothing at all wrong or immoral there from what I can see

sounds like it must be his house though, as his mam was telling you to leave. tough situation alright

Danni21 · 20-06-2023 9:13am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120736050#Comment_120736050

I know his ex gf. She lives across the road. I know her since she's very young. I also know her mam well, myself and her mam have a good mutual friend in common. Her mam works in another department in my company. I'll be the worst if this gets out. I just don't want to hurt anyone. Yeap he's single,so am I. It was in his mams house.

TheadoreT · 20-06-2023 10:02am

I think the worst offender of the 4 parties here is the lad you slept with. If he's good friends with your ex that's just a **** thing to do imo. But friends groups can be a little incestuous like this, it's not uncommon, even if ill advised.

Reading your previous threads where things like courts and retraining orders ect are involved it's probably the worst thing you could have done to add fuel to the fire tbh. Its hard to fathom how someone who'd want that drama to end would stoke it in the most triggering way imaginable but you're here now.

As to how to proceed from here I guess it's all just a mentality thing. The person who's most confident and least perturbable usually comes out looking the best, if you believe it yourself, others will. Own it, don't get sucked into drama, and crack on with your life.

Big Bag of Chips · 20-06-2023 12:52pm

You haven't actually done anything wrong. From your telling of it you seem to be some sort of villian, and everyone else, including the fella you slept with unsuspecting victims. He was an equal participant.

His ex mightn't care one bit. He's her ex. Your ex will probably make a deal out of it, but then again he'd probably make a deal out of anything you do.

You are catastrophising and imagining all sorts of drama and backlash. You might be pleasantly surprised to find out very few people care.

The only misjudged thing was doing it in his mother's house!

Danni21 · 20-06-2023 12:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739340#Comment_120739340

I just feel like **** for hurting people (mainly his ex). The problem is my exes family know the friends family a long time and this will just be another reason for them to believe him over me.

suvigirl · 20-06-2023 1:04pm

I have no idea why you think you hurt his ex? She is his ex. How have you possibly hurt her.

And why would you doing anything now have any impact on what your ex's family think of past behaviours?

This is all so much drama. Could you not just move away from it all and give yourself a break.

YellowLead · 20-06-2023 1:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739385#Comment_120739385

Why does it matter what your ex’s family think?

munchkin_utd · 20-06-2023 1:09pm

Why would the ex care or feel shafted. If she wanted the fella enough then they would be a couple. If they are not together or care for each other then what does it matter aside from the gossips. Or, is it that he broke up but she harbours notions about him, which obviously he doesnt have because he definititely isnt keeping himself for her from the looks of it.

To me it seems like ye are all in each others pockets (and that fella living with his mam still) and one or more of ye needs to get some distance from the love trianges, or quadrangles. Maybe take a break from it, go travelling. Emmigrate for a year to London or somewhere random. Go work in ibiza for the summer, or even go to somewhere like Galway or Killarney for the summer where the tourist industry no doubt are massively stuck for people to help out.

TheadoreT · 20-06-2023 1:11pm

A lot of your threads have similar patterns of toxic relationships and you getting really drunk (in your own words) and doing things that you seem to fall into a disproportionate pit of despair about afterwards.

I think there's an element of seeking out chaos whether you mean to or not and self sabotaging behaviours, centered around drink.

So it may be worth cutting back on alcohol if its leading you to make decisions that you seem extremely mortified about for some time after. The brief high surely isnt worth the prolonged low?

20-06-2023 1:12pm

You need to stop being so hard on yourself.

You didn't do anything wrong, and if you're both single, neither did this fella.

Do you think he is now working himself up in a state wondering about what your ex will think?

Highly unlikely.

Hold your head up, and if anyone questions you tell them what you do or WHO you do, is none of their business.

Big Bag of Chips · 20-06-2023 1:18pm

Why do you think you'd hurt his ex?

Do you know that she wants to get back with him? Has he finished with her because of you? She might feel a little 'icky'. But she's hardly likely to be hurt and heartbroken. It sounds like a small town. She's probably slept with someone he knows. So they're quits.

Why do you care what his family think? You could be Mother Theresa and his family will side with him and believe him. Stay away from them all. Deal with your own little family and your own life. Don't be trying to live your life proving anything to anyone. Because it's a sure fire way of getting yourself all worked up and bothered about people who aren't all that bothered about you.

Danni21 · 20-06-2023 1:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739438#Comment_120739438

Trust me i'm planning to. I've just got a car back on the road and need to get a deposit together.

Danni21 · 20-06-2023 1:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739489#Comment_120739489

I'm only back from travelling a couple of years. Unfortunately financially not an option right now. Just put a decent car under my feet and looking for permanent work.

Danni21 · 20-06-2023 1:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739552#Comment_120739552

Oh absolutely nothing to do with me. I just feel bad because I know her and her family so long. Plus i've spent nearly three years being called and accused of all sorts that aren't true. I've been called a h**r by him, his friends. Accused of sleeping around which never happened.

Hannibal_Smith · 20-06-2023 1:41pm

Who's to say anyone else will find out? You're not going to tell anyone, would he?

It sounds similar to where I grew up where you know everyone your own age, but that doesn't make you mates. So you haven't caused any harm to anyone.

You've done nothing wrong. You haven't two timed anyone. You had sex with someone who was unattached. Are you sure its not just 'the fear' that has you worried?

Danni21 · 20-06-2023 2:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739698#Comment_120739698

No definitely not just the fear. I've got abuse from my exes family for far less.

Hannibal_Smith · 20-06-2023 2:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739914#Comment_120739914

OK but again, who's to say they will find out? Either way, you are not in anyway answerable to the family of an ex. Its absolutely nothing to do with them and if they have a problem, firstly it's nothing to do with you and secondly they've little to be bothering them! Cut them out of your mind.

You're worrying about something that is no one else's business. What is the ex girlfriend going to do? Approach you to say she heard you had sex with her ex? How sad would she look if she did that? Or even your ex, they're going to give you abuse for having sex with someone when you broke up with their relative over a year ago??? That would make them look far far worse.

Danni21 · 21-06-2023 8:51am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739999#Comment_120739999

It's very hard for me not to feel like I did something awful. I spent two years being accused of cheating, looking at other men, walking on eggshells, being called "anybodys".

21-06-2023 9:15am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120743201#Comment_120743201

I think no matter how many of us here tell you you've done nothing awful, and nothing wrong, the only way you're going to get past the hold your ex and his family seem to have over you is through continuing therapy. I think you already know this.

Best of luck.

Hannibal_Smith · 21-06-2023 9:25am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120743201#Comment_120743201

Two years while you were together, or two years since you broke up?

Danni21 · 21-06-2023 9:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120743356#Comment_120743356

While we were together

Hannibal_Smith · 21-06-2023 10:04am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120743427#Comment_120743427

OK. So you need to find a way to park that. Its understandable if you're having difficulty with it, prioritising counselling to help you would still be my suggestion. That level of toxicity is something that is designed to get under your skin and change your thinking, thats exactly what their agenda was. Usually in circumstances like that none of it is true and the objective is to distract the limelight from shining on them and highlighting their flaws by deflecting it on to the other person. Unpicking that is very difficult to do without help.

You have pages of advice here of people telling you you've done nothing wrong and suggesting you move forward and that doesn't seem to be helping. So again I would say putting all your effort into finding a counsellor to help you would be the best thing you can do now.

Danni21 · 21-06-2023 10:10am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120743539#Comment_120743539

That's exactly what it was. Turns out he was the one that cheated in the end. And is now telling everyone im a psycho and caused everything. I know i'll be spoken about over this incident.

Hannibal_Smith · 21-06-2023 10:28am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120743571#Comment_120743571

The relationship ended a year ago. Their opinion does not matter. What or who they talk about does not matter. If they're still talking about their brother's ex and gossiping about her, who's going to listen?

You keep picking out the part of my posts that drag you further down the tunnel you're in. Instead look at the parts suggesting a way to solve the issue in your own mind and focus all your energies on that.

Princess Calla · 21-06-2023 10:44am

To be honest OP and I mean this in a nice way, you seem to be looking/wanting drama where none exists.

You have done nothing wrong. You are building all these "what if" scenarios in your head. It's as if you want someone to knock on your door and have an "EastEnders" worthy barny.

Your ex is an ex....let him sling as much muck as he can, he'll only be showing himself up. You walk head high and don't retaliate. He'll move on to the next poor unfortunate, no doubt telling her what a witch you were and his cycle will repeat.

Seriously continue with counseling and step away from the drama. Realistically no one cares what you were up too, everyone really has enough of their own crap to be dealing with.

Yeah you might give the gossipers 5 minutes of entertainment, but they too will move on to the next unfortunate.

In all seriousness though, you do need to find the root for your desire for drama. Otherwise you too will be in a dysfunctional cycle. I've seen it with a long term friend who can really make drama out of making a cup of tea. She's in her 50's now with a trail of broken relationships and dramas. I don't think one relationship she has had since her teens/20's has come without a bucketload of drama....it's exhausting.

So honestly, take a step back. You've done nothing wrong. However I do think you need to take a break from dating until you make peace with your last relationship and this need for drama.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-06-2023 11:12am

You might be extremely surprised to discover that most people will be very very aware of what him and his family are like. And will either ignore them and everything they say or will avoid them completely so as not to have to listen to them and their drama.

We all know people like this. People who you avoid being anywhere near for any length of time. They are usually loud, obnoxious and deeply unpleasant. They tend to only get airtime from equally loud, obnoxious and unpleasant people. Anyone with even a stem of sense keeps out of the way of these types of people.

I suggest you do likewise. You seem determined to drag yourself into drama. You did nothing wrong. And you might be disappointed to find out approximately nobody will care. Nobody. The only people who will care are people who love a gossip. And even their attention spans are short so they'll quickly forget you and move on to the next drama.

It's time to pull yourself out of these circles you operate in. Find better people to socialise with. Find people whose lives don't revolve around drinking and fighting.

You won't know your peace.

21-06-2023 11:14am

His ex has as much claim to him as yours does to you... None

Why are you worried about her?

Danni21 · 21-06-2023 11:20am

The friends family are unfortunately good friends with his family. I never had drama like this in my life until I moved back to my home town.

Danni21 · 21-06-2023 11:21am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120743940#Comment_120743940

Not so much worried more just that I don't want to hurt anyone

Big Bag of Chips · 21-06-2023 11:40am

Danni21, I have replied on thread in a personal capacity but now put my moderator hat on.

I need to ask if allowing this thread to run is of any benefit to you. Lots of people have contributed very very good advice and you have countered every single post with a negative comment. So rather than reassuring and helping it would seem this thread is only heightening your anxiety.

You should try to take some positives from other people's comments and take the advice to get yourself away from these people. I can guarantee that there are hundreds of people in your small town who manage to avoid them and stay away from them. I suggest you do the same.

I will allow the thread to run a while longer, but if we feel that it is only prolonging your upset and anxiety we will lock it and ask you to seek real life help in the form of a visit to your GP and regular appointments with a counsellor.

Princess Calla · 21-06-2023 12:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120743975#Comment_120743975

Well the genie is sort of out of the bottle....you can't undo this.

The only way she'll find out is if you, him or the mother tell anyone.

You're not telling anyone, so that just leaves him and the mother. I would hope the mother would have more sense and if he tells anyone he's either bragging or trying to hurt his ex....so if the ex gets hurt that's on him or his ma!

Yeah you probably shouldn't have sh1t so close to home, but it's done. Learn from it and move on.

For all you know the ex could be hooking up with someone too and isn't in the slightest bit bothered.

YellowLead · 21-06-2023 5:58pm

OP I would ask the question of yourself - are you really over this ex or are you hoping for a reconciliation and to get back in with him and his family? Otherwise focusing on what they all think of you is not a beneficial mindset - surely you can see that and if you can’t I hope you listen to a qualified therapist who will help if you let them. Brighter days ahead you just need to let go of this ex and his family.

Danni21 · 22-06-2023 9:28am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120746122#Comment_120746122

I'd rather pour hot lava in my eyes than go near him or his family. I've been to court three times and have a protection order against him. I just don't want to give them the satisfaction of having something negative to say about me. They're scum.

YellowLead · 22-06-2023 9:37am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120748053#Comment_120748053

Fair. But you do need to figure out why you can’t let go. Why you care what they think so much. You won’t be able to move on with your life unless you figure this out.

Danni21 · 22-06-2023 9:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120748091#Comment_120748091

It's because of the abuse and narcissistic bs he put me through and has acted like the victim the whole time. I've almost not been believed/heard and been given dogs abuse by him and his family/friends and accused of the very things he was doing.

22-06-2023 9:49am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120748101#Comment_120748101

Thats not going to change and it cant be undone but you can change how you react to it. You could do nothing wrong from now until the day you die and these people will have something negative to say. You need to make peace with that and move on.

Dwelling on this and everything around it will only cause you unneeded hurt and stress. Right now all youre doing is hurting yourself and causing drama for dramas sake.

Take a massive step back, look at yourself and the situation and remove yourself from it.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-06-2023 10:33am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120748053#Comment_120748053

They'll say negative things about you regardless.

This isn't a negative thing. You had sex with someone. You are a single adult who had sex with a single adult. You cannot live your life not doing normal things because of the likelihood of his family badmouthing you.

Live your life. Ignore them. They'll eventually move on to the next one.

Danni21 · 26-06-2023 12:53pm

Thanks for the feedback. I'm not very good at forgiving myself and used to being persecuted by my ex and narcissistic family members for the slightest f**k up. I need to stop looking for vaildation from these people I guess and stop hoping people will see my side or what my ex is or that i'm a good person.

padjocollins · 09-07-2023 12:44pm

I'm listening to Narcissist Apocalypse | The Irrational Beliefs We Learn From Narcissistic Parents & How We Hold Onto Them Subconsciously - Q&A With Debbie Tudor LPC on Podbean, check it out! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-8vq63-1347e34f

I'm listening to Navigating Narcissism with Dr. Ramani | What is Coercive Control? With Dr. Christine Cocchiola on Podbean, check it out! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-5j2qc-195e4e32

listen to every podcast from both of these series, recognise unhealthy patterns you might be repeating or leaving yourself open to . Getting to a good place is hard work, recognising where you are and what has been happening is a first step to peace and healing.

There are tonnes of good books on Narcisstic abuse and coercive control as well , many of them mentioned in this podcast. good luck and make u own too.

Situation with ex/exes friend

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