Should I try again?

beetroot23 · 15-07-2023 10:59pm #1

I broke up with my long term girlfriend some years ago, we remained friends but she always made it quite clear that she still had feelings for me. Obviouly it gets weird sometimes as I have gone out with a few others since then, and when that is on we barely talk as she is jealous. This is all weird but we are still close and none of us had any luck in dating other people, I think she went out as well but nothing came out of it. My real question is, isn't it better to be with someone you are close with, and feel comfortable and relaxed with, than wandering alone in a world looking for "euphoric love"? Isn't it better to have someone who has remained close to you even when you dumped them? I don't mean as a backup, I mean isn't this what love is in the long run anyway? Not as in "oh I didn't find anything better", but in having the realization that what we had was at least real and worth trying again even if not in the same way?

Padre_Pio · 16-07-2023 3:21am

"Isn't it better to have someone who has remained close to you even when you dumped them? I don't mean as a backup, I mean isn't this what love is in the long run anyway? Not as in "oh I didn't find anything better", but in having the realization that what we had was at least real and worth trying again even if not in the same way?"

Sounds like your ex is your good friend, but there's a world of difference between a girlfriend/wife and a good friend.

If a good few years have passed then I wouldn't bother examining your past relationship. You were likely different people back then.

But these are the questions I would ask; could you see yourself settling down and having children with her? What about seeing life through the good times and bad? Having painful and personal fights and making up after it? Is she reliable? Does she have your back if times got tough?

If the answer is yes, then go for it. Bear in mind your friendship is over if things go sour, but in fairness, if you found "the one" it sounds like you'd lose touch with your ex anyways.

16-07-2023 7:09am

What was the reason you separated the first time ? Do you feel it was a mistake and an over reaction to an issue or do the issues still linger. No one ever changes fundamentally so if their were legitimate reasons to separate they will come back and sour your future relationship.

If you separated because either of you wanted the other to change then your heading for disaster.

Caranica · 16-07-2023 9:39am

You broke up for a reason, if that reason remains don't even go there. As someone who has done it "fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on me" rings very true.

Are you that desperate to be in a relationship that you will "settle" for her. Surely you owe yourself more than that.

Dial Hard · 16-07-2023 9:42am

You broke up for a reason. Unless something has fundamentally changed wherein that reason is no longer valid, I would say no, getting back together isn't a good idea.

Also, imo it's a terrible idea to stay friends with an ex you know is actively still into you. It's not a true friendship if they're holding out for a reconciliation and I would say you're stopping them from moving on. Not intentionally, perhaps, but it's just a bad idea for so many reasons. As well as unfair to both them and any prospective partner you meet.

Sorry, OP, but to me it sounds like you haven't found the "euphoric" love you were expecting so are prepared to settle for familiarity. Doesn't strike me as having the makings of a successful relationship.

16-07-2023 12:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120857560#Comment_120857560

Settling is not a good word here. It’s hurtful on so many levels as if to suggest she’s inferior to him or he can do better. Men suffer with this “I can do better” complex when life gets real and questions are asked or challenges arise or commitment is needed. Relationships cannot be new and easy all the time. That’s a fact. No matter who you choose, whether it’s the friend you’ve known for years or the bikini babe /something “better” you’ve swiped right on or the stranger you’ve met in the bar, there’s always going to be hard times and good times when you’re together.

Question is - are you serious? Are you genuine? I mean, are you a solid and serious person who actually wants to be with someone, love them and do life with? Or is this is a case of oh no one is around and dating has dried up so let me play around with so and so again and have her on my arm until “someone better” comes along. Don’t be under any illusions, women sense this. You’ll constantly have a wandering eye and be resentful…and she’ll always feel bad about herself and bend backwards to please you - if you are “settling” for “familiarity” leave this girl alone and let her move on with her life. Don’t be cruel.

IMO, it sounds like you are not that into her. If you were, you wouldn’t need to question if it would be a good move. You would know. Sounds like you are looking for a back up. If you were genuine, you would already have made a move and worked it out. I feel for this girl. She’s clearly holding a torch for you and sadly, it sounds like you’re going to play on her emotions because you don’t want to be alone. And that’s wrong.

you should take a bit of time to yourself and figure out what you actually want before you make a move on this friend/ex. And try and view it from her POV.

Caranica · 16-07-2023 1:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120857963#Comment_120857963

What is "play on her emotions because you don't want to be alone" if it's not settling?

OP the language is different but we're both making the same point. You're talking about going back to your ex, who clearly hasn't let go of you, because you don't have other options. What does that say about you?

16-07-2023 3:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120858235#Comment_120858235

Yes we are saying the same thing. I thought you were saying settling in a negative way about her character. Either way, I hate the saying. It’s as if to say the other person is “ah sure, they’re grand” for passing time with. (Not that you are saying that; it’s the phrase itself)

YellowLead · 16-07-2023 6:12pm

OP it’s hard to see this in any other way except that you didn’t find anything ‘better’ and now will settle for a friend who is into you. Though as somebody else said, it’s not true friendship if she’s been carrying a torch for you all this time.

What woud happen if you got with her, then did meet somebody who have you butterflies, that you could adore? You’d either stay with her and resent her, cheat, or dump her.

It’s not fair on her to give it a go just because she’s ‘there’ and a handy option.

jen1978 · 16-07-2023 11:28pm

I actually think if you were NOT in touch with your ex at all and ye didnt stay friends that you would either miss her and have got back together by now or you would have forgotten about her entirely. I Dont believe there can be any in between.

you need a complete break of communication with her for at least 6 months and see how you feel after that.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-07-2023 7:26am

My real question is, isn't it better to be with someone you are close with, and feel comfortable and relaxed with, than wandering alone in a world looking for "euphoric love"? Isn't it better to have someone who has remained close to you even when you dumped them? I don't mean as a backup, I mean isn't this what love is in the long run anyway?

No. No it's not. This paragraph is wrong on so many levels. It is much much better to remain single than to settle (and that's the only word to use) for someone you don't really want to be with, but think being with anyone is better than being with no-one.

It's a horrible thing to do. And it shows real immaturity on your part. Life is long, very very long. And it's even longer when you're in a relationship that you're half-arsed about. It didn't work out with her. You ended it. She is jealous and clingy. She hasn't let go and is jealous when you're with someone else. If you are going to decide to spend your life with someone you better make absolutely certain that it's someone you can see yourself being happy to weather every storm with.

I already mentioned life is long. It's also pretty tough. Would a relationship with her be strong enough to withstand the inevitable problems life throws at you? If you met someone in a few years who you thought was beautiful, funny, clever, interesting, would your relationship with her be strong enough to keep you away from someone "better"? I think at the first sign of a problem, or the first whiff of a bit of interest from someone else you'd be gone.

Do not get back with your ex. It won't work. You'd be using her. Plain and simple.

Should I try again?

Comments