How generous should you be when a guest in a friend's house?

I think both. Tight out but also 50/50 is fair enough.

You stated she 50/50 pays her way etc

But what I don't understand is why were meals you were paying for not 50/50 ?

How would that person even be a friend so?

I tend not to let others behaviour dictate mine. But I wouldn't get upset about it if they didn't return the favor.

Since it seems to disappoint you or frustrate you. For this person I would do as he/she does and go 50/50 all the time.

I think you're overthinking this. She's your friend: accept her as she is, or move on from the friendship.

I also find over-generosity is embarrassing, it's like the person who is doing it is playing a game of on-up-manship, and you end up competing to be the "biggest". Annoying.

Having people to stay can be an inconvenience. But it can be easier: you can spend time with them without having to travel and without having to pay for expensive restaurant time. It can be the motivator I need to give the house an overdue cleanup. And if I'm doing washing afterward, a little more doesn't make much difference.

You seem to have your mind made up with 'stinginess' and 'not expressing appreciation'. When we have friends or family staying we're the hosts and don't expect anything from our guests.

Perhaps OP just brought up differently is the answer to your question - there are different expectations involved from both parties and it’s never made clear what those expectations are.

Being friends for years though, rarely having the opportunity to spend time together, you’re both older and reasonably well-off financially, it just seems odd to acquiesce to a 50/50 split and be so anal about it, or to be letting it bother you that your friend doesn’t appear to feel the same obligation to reciprocate your generosity.

I’ve a couple of long-term friends who we rarely spend time together (might explain why we remain friends too 😁), but when we do visit or spend time together, none of us, to the best of my knowledge anyway, have ever felt the need to do 50/50 or making a mental note of our ‘fair share’ of things.

I understand it’s customary to bring something when visiting friends, or when staying over, to express some sort of appreciation by way of a gift or token. I do sometimes if I think of it but I’d never expect it of anyone, because from my point of view it’s just nice to be able to do things for others without any contingent expectation of remuneration or reciprocation. They know me well enough now to know I have a head like a sieve, and I know them well enough that they’d think it was weird if I actually remembered to bring a gift with me! 😂

This exactly.

If the other person used your place as a convenient free place to stay, leaves a mess and doesn't interact with the host, that's just a user situation.

But the woman in question is paying her own way.

My take on it.. if I'm invited to stay with someone, it shouldn't cost them anything extra..bar washing the bed sheets after.

I'd bring a gift for host or their kids and then any meals or events,I'd pay my way.

I would offer to do wash up if they cooked for me but I wouldn't be overcompensating by offering to buy half of the ingredients because I know if the other person came to stay at my house, I'd cook their breakfast/dinner and would be embarrassed for they tried to pay for food.

I'd then make sure I stripped the bed clothes and towels and have them ready for the wash.

This is obviously if it was a short weekend or overnight stay.

If it was a week or something then I'd obviously be looking to buy food, cook meals, leave a voucher etc but most of us don't stay with friends that long anyway.

I have a friend like you do in the UK and we'd both stay with each other (not often due to family commitments) for 3 nights tops.

I used to try give her petrol money foe collecting and bringing me to the airport but I came to realise that was actually insulting to her because it was a treat for us to see each other maybe only every second year.

I'd then make sure I stripped the bed clothes and towels and have them ready for the wash.

That one surprised me 😳 Do you know if this is a common expectation or is it just something you’ve always just done?

I’d expect someone would clean up after themselves if they had an accident, it happens, it’s why anyone who stays knows where the bedding and towels are kept. I’d be taken aback though if they stripped the bed themselves and had it ready for laundry. I do that kind of thing when they’re gone. Otherwise it’s ‘their’ room as such for the duration of their stay, same when I stay with them.

I think it's me and the people I'm friends with.

That seems to be our thing 😄

But I'd at least expect a guest to make up the bed and leave the room as they found it and I'd do the same.

You suck blood ya leech.

Sometimes when im with friends who are tight, I feel like taking out a 50 euro note and burning it in front of them, just to show them its only fcuking paper.

50 yoyo is a weeks groceries for me. If you just wasted it like that, I'd think you were a right a-hole.

I think this is a great example of it doesn't matter how you act in these situations. There will always be someone regardless of what option you choose be whinging about it.

Bringing a bottle , or something small for the house, AND treating your host to a dinner or a lunch, is a pretty basic courtesy in acknowledging your gratitude for your bed & board imho.

OP it sounds to me that your 'friend' is a total tight ass, who comes over to your place in Spain to be hosted for free. Her not even getting a taxi with luggage to your place is just penny pinching & mean personifiedv imho. Jeez - I wouldn't dream of inviting her back anyways....

Would it really kill her to bring a bottle of plonk, &/or treat you to a measly lunch or dinner for a week's bed & board in Spain!?

P.s. she's pathologically mean by the sounds of things , so drop the leech!!

(Or put up with it and let her meanness antagonise you & build resentment further )

Your choice!!

Yes, that's the thing.

There are many ways to handle a situation, and many ways your behaviour can be perceived.

The OPs friend probably thinks she is being fair and has no idea her pal thinks she's a bit cheap.

How any friend/guest would spend five nights in your holiday home, arrive without even a small gift and then not pay for an evening meal or some lunches is just bad manners imo. Its not like you're both paying for a hotel and then splitting everything else.

If we were invited to a casual lunch or bbq at a family or friends house, wine + chocolates & maybe flowers or a nice cake is typical to say thanks and show appreciation for our hosts. An overnight or extended stay calls for an appropriate gesture. Splitting bills 50/50 is not it.

I agree somewhat. I go on holidays with a few other single friends a few times a year, we do split everything equally. But I wouldn't be as close to them. That's probably the difference.

A dead set 50/50 seems a bit strange to me. My circle of friends, we take turns to pay or bring something useful to a dinner to help.

I tend to avoid the cent counters in life.

Is there really a need to start playing games?

This is not two young children. It's two grown women.

He did what in your sink?

I feel there's details that we need to know. First of all, which sink? Kitchen, downstairs bathroom? Second, everything else.

No games. Take the holiday home out of the equation and still have the visits. See if it changes anything. OP is giving a lot of value in their side of the relationship.