Wife is cheating - what next?

21-04-2023 1:08am

IIRC you don't own the house, it's rented, OP, is that correct?

When you have time to catch your breath, and process all of this, you should look up what is called "birds nest" parenting.

Considering your son's needs to stay in one place and that he is non-verbal, it may be the best option for you all.

Try and keep things as amicable as possible. best of luck.

21-04-2023 6:59am

I’d expect a change in tone once she’s ghosted by ‘the guy’.

Well done on getting this far, good luck.

anonymouscactus · 21-04-2023 7:07am

Good luck, OP. Just wanted to add that there are some respite services available for parents, sometimes through gov-funded bodies, sometimes through local charities. At such an emotional time, it might be something worth considering for yourself and your son - even a day or two's break might provide you with a chance to refresh.

raclle · 21-04-2023 7:12am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120498422#Comment_120498422

You were saying???

Big Bag of Chips · 21-04-2023 7:22am

@raclle Personal Issues/Relationship Issues is an advice forum. Posters are expected to offer advice to the OP when replying rather than try to drag the thread off topic into discussion with other posters.

Please read The Forum Charter to familiarise yourself with the rules of posting in this forum.

Do not reply to moderator instruction on thread.

Goodigal · 21-04-2023 7:34am

As others have said, don't offer to move out. It's where you care for your son, and he's your life. She can sort herself out.

Really hope you can exhale again and just take each day as it comes now. She might try to get you back onside but I like the way you've taken control and made plans. You should be very proud of how you're handling things. Hoping for a better future for you OP

Sunny Disposition · 21-04-2023 7:47am

Well done OP, you’re handling things very well.

raclle · 21-04-2023 7:56am

You're about to go through the hardest time of your life OP and you have my deepest sympathies. Wish you and your son all the best for the future.

XsApollo · 21-04-2023 8:02am

Yes definitely don’t move out, if it does go to court, the judge will have one person to look after and that’s your son, and a place to live for him will be top of the list.

I’m not sure where you can live if you move out, but I think there are certain things judges don’t look on too favourably for living arrangements , if you are looking at being primary carer for your son.

such as house sharing, rooms and stuff like that.

21-04-2023 8:45am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120502284#Comment_120502284

I think he's over the hardest of it, emotionally at least. He can now start to rebuild his life. He should take great heart from that.

spaceHopper · 21-04-2023 2:17pm

You are handling this incredibly well – don’t ever doubt yourself.

I wouldn’t offer to move out, she needs to. But you also need to setup a routine now where she does more for your son, it gives you a break and she's had it way to easy upto now. Money wise you need to look after yourself here too. She could easily leave you on the bread line.

Get a routine established but don’t commit to anything, simply say we will have to see how thing work and review it in a few months.

Squatman · 16-05-2023 11:00am

HI OP, any update since?

Big Bag of Chips · 16-05-2023 11:24am

@Squatman asking for updates is against the Forum Charter. Sometimes a situation can be very difficult for posters and we don't want anyone to feel that they are obliged to come back with updates.

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 16-05-2023 5:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120602891#Comment_120602891

So since we had it out, we've been very civil. I've seen a solicitor, she has too. I've been going to a counsellor, she has too.

The original plan we made was that I would stay at home 4 nights a week and she would have 3 nights, we'd swap on the Saturday evening. So far, this hasn't worked out. Our son has additional needs and simply needs his mother to go to sleep. There's no getting around that fact, and I'd simply be acting selfishly if I tried to change that fact.

The current plan is that I spend 4 nights at home and she's there all the time, and I spend 3 nights in my parents. I need that separation, and thought a split like that would work.

At my last counsellor session he suggested that I make a "nest" in my parents house, so I'm going to start that at the weekend, and likely have my main base of stuff there (my home doesn't feel like home anymore).

The other complication is work. I have been looking but no bites yet, and her job is due to finish soon so we're starting to get at a risky point. The current agreement we made is that I will try to get a job (I should be able to earn at least twice what she can) and then I'll likely move out for the weekdays at least. From speaking with my counsellor, I've realised that this notion of demanding the nights with my son when he clearly doesn't want it and needs his mother is a non runner, and I'm okay with that. I'm still the main activities parent (parks, playgrounds, etc) and I'm going to maintain that.

I won't lie, it's been a rubbish few weeks. Everyone I've told has been super supportive, but it's still hard when it's nighttime or when I'm on my own and my brain starts running away on me. I'm sure it'll get easy though, especially when I get myself sorted with a new job and have some direction to follow.

Like I said previously, don't be shy about asking questions or asking for updates. Might help a fellow brother (or sister) out...

Big Bag of Chips · 16-05-2023 5:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120604815#Comment_120604815

Thanks PI_R_Anon_12345, although you might not mind giving updates, other posters might not feel able to, so it is a forum rule that we don't encourage posters to ask for updates.

You are free to come back at anytime though to update, look for support or advice etc.

Squatman · 19-05-2023 4:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120604849#Comment_120604849

well done on this. there's some big changes that it appears you have accepted objectively for the betterment of your son. this will all be to your benefit in time to come. <Mod Snip>

-----------------------------------------

@Squatman I know your posts are well intentioned but they go against the strict forum charter we have here. We do not encourage posters to invite PMs from other users for the reasons outlined here .

Forum Charter is here

spaceHopper · 22-05-2023 10:49am

You're doing great, but I don't understand one thing, you wife was able to go away for weekends - did you son sleep or were you left dealing with them not sleeping. To me additional needs or not you need to try and break this cycle, you'll never be able to move on and live your own life. What if you meet somebody else. How would they view this arrangement.

Iseedeadpixels · 30-05-2023 4:16pm

Been nearly 2 weeks since your last comment OP, hope things are going well, you know we're all rooting for you here.

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 31-07-2023 8:30pm

Hey, sorry to drag this up again. OP here. Quick update first, we've been separated but co-living since everything went down. It's largely been civil, but obviously awkward and not ideal. I'm starting a new job soon and, at the same time, I'm going to move out, so that'll be one good bit of news.

This weekend my wife (ex wife I guess) went away for weekend. She said it was to connect with colleagues from a previous job (and this is something she used do before), but only after she left did I think that maybe she was meeting the guy from Austria again. I checked the times of flights from Vienna and the times she wanted to be in Dublin and leave again match more or less identically. She's only home a few minutes and headed out to grab food, so I checked her bag (I know I have no right now) and found obvious signs she wasn't meeting friends (lingerie/etc).

I fully understand that this is now squarely in the none of my business category. But I still feel rubbish about it, and feel betrayed all over again. Part of me thinks that if she had just been honest about why she went to Dublin then I wouldn't mind as much now. I know that me moving out will be a big help here, but any other suggestions on how not to feel heart broken all over again?

TheadoreT · 31-07-2023 9:30pm

If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. She clearly doesn't give a toss about lying to your face, she's done it before and will again.

Obviously you're not a robot and these things sting but you need to try detach your self worth from her **** actions. It doesn't define you.

Honestly get out there and try meet a few new women, this woman isn't worth wasting any more emotional energy on. Nothing like a nice casual fling to give a bit of fresh perspective.

Big Bag of Chips · 31-07-2023 9:38pm

OP, a poster above made a valid point - how does your son sleep when your wife goes away for the weekend? If there is a way of managing him then, then there should be a way of managing her moving out for part of the week like you both originally suggested above.

I completely understand the hurt all over again when you found out she was away meeting up with the fella again. It's another kick in the teeth. Which is why you two need to separate. Completely. You need to find a way to not be in each other's space and not feel tempted to go looking for "proof" of things that will only hurt you.

Big Bag of Chips · 31-07-2023 9:41pm

@TheadoreT the OP's wife is under no obligation to tell him where she's going and with whom. Sometimes a white lie is used to save possible hurt feelings. They are separated. They have both agreed that they are separated. Like it or not her private life is none of his business anymore. Same as his is none of her's.

You have been warned before about your aggressive style of posting and general negative attitude towards women. It is not welcome in The Relationship Issues Forum.

TheadoreT · 31-07-2023 10:14pm

I never said its his business but the fact he's still checking up on her and getting upset all over again means he's still holding onto some sort of hope that's clearly not there or healthy. That's the first break through that needs to be had so he can move on, and part of that is truly coming to terms with how she's treated him, instead of almost forgetting and being reminded over and over.

It's wrong to frame it as a white lie given the context of this thread, it's consistent with the lies she's been telling him all along. None of that has ever had OP's interests at heart.

Goodigal · 01-08-2023 7:58am

Sorry you're feeling like you're right back in the moment, but she should have just said she was meeting himself. That's on her. You shouldn't have had to snoop in her bag because you are no longer a couple and living separate lives now.

It's not helpful for either of you to still live under the one roof (and I know the reasons) when she's most likely dating him, and you're still recovering from the heartbreak of your marriage being over. Maybe have a chat with your counsellor about how it's made you feel?! It's not an easy time. Mind yourself

Oscar_Madison · 01-08-2023 8:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120922830#Comment_120922830

Suggestions include:

Concentrate on getting to grips with the new job.

Make some time for yourself and catch up with your support group of family and friends

Try to plan something in the future- doesn’t matter what as long as it’s something nice and that you’ll look forward to it

I know it’s hard- probably feels like a death in some respects- you no longer come home in the evening and share your day with someone special; gone are the shared experiences - whilst you’re thinking of her still, it’s now around “arrangements” and practical matters concerning your child- not discussions about hopes and dreams.

Yeah it can’t be easy but it’s a journey and you’re going to see the other positive side soon so don’t worry- the positives right now are that you’re being civil to each other - I think sue also knows she can’t do all of this alone so she does still need you albeit in a different capacity.

Try and ignore where she goes what she does and who she sees - she’s made it clear that’s what she wants so let her off - it’s more than possible that she’s seen someone but that’s why you’re in this position - that relationship if it is even that, could dwindle very quickly - the less you know and the less you take interest the better- otherwise you’ll be emotionally caught up in any ending which is very likely by the sound of it- let her make her own mistakes as she’s already made a very big one:

you now have to look after yourself so I wouldn’t necessarily be sharing information with her either in terms of your own personal life. You’ll find your groove soon enough

spaceHopper · 01-08-2023 10:42am

Congratulations on the new Job, the sooner you are out of there the better for you and your son. Unless you have somewhere lined up to go, it might take you a while to find somewhere to live. In the meantime, tell her you need a break to, take turns every second weekend, you to your parents, she goes to her. If she wants to go away then that's OK she can on her weekend off. You owe her nothing she's the one who had and is having an affair - you'd don't need to make it easy for her. Some of that is been betty but is she treating you with respect? There needs to be clear and respected boundaries on both sides. Same goes for evenings off you both should be taking evings to yourself, especially while it's still summer and you can go places.

Iseedeadpixels · 01-08-2023 12:29pm

Thanks for the update OP, just remember it takes times even years, don't rush yourself and do whats best for you.

marilynrr · 01-08-2023 4:05pm

Unfortunately, being separated but living together interrupts and delays a lot of the normal processes that follow a break up.

I honestly don't think you would have felt any better if she told you the truth, and in this instance I think she did the right thing by lying. People often think if they did X or Y it would be better, but if the other person did X or Y the underlying feelings are still all the same. Most likely you would have thought it was incredibly cruel and cold of her to tell you she was going to see this man, and then go to pack her bag and walk out the door leaving you to mind your child.

I do think it's exceptionally selfish and horrible to continue seeing her affair partner while you still live together, especially when you're trying to be civil and by the sounds of it you're moving out soon so she could and should have waited, but the lying in this instance I do understand and think was the right thing to do (even if I think that what she's doing itself is wrong).

I would be cautious about jumping straight into a fling as advised by someone else, people fresh out of relationships, especially when they have been betrayed and hurt are often absolute nightmares to the people they date, and again it can interrupt the normal things that you have to deal with following a break up. Most likely your wifes 'relationship' or whatever it is will fail too seeing as he doesn't live in this country and she'll have her own heartache to deal with then, both from this man and dealing with the destruction of her family....so even though it might seem very unfair that you're the one dealing with the pain, while she seems happy etc. most likely that is not going to last for her.

As PPs have asked, why can't you stick to the original plan if your son is able to sleep when your your wife is not there? or would it not be possible with your new job?

Are you still seeing a counsellor?

@TheadoreT

but the fact he's still checking up on her and getting upset all over again means he's still holding onto some sort of hope that's clearly not there or healthy. That's the first break through that needs to be had so he can move on, and part of that is truly coming to terms with how she's treated him, instead of almost forgetting and being reminded over and over.

This is all pretty normal at this stage, it's only been 2-3 months. Holding onto a bit of hope is normal, there are several stages of grief after a break up and some will involve false hope. That's considered normal and wouldn't be really considered to be unhealthy unless someone stayed stuck thinking that for a long period of time. A couple of months is nothing. He's doing well. I don't think he needs a 'breakthrough'. He won't really come to terms with it all properly until he's out of the house and some time has passed etc.

cj maxx · 04-08-2023 1:07am

Op , if she’s cheating look after yourself. Hide assets and money so she can’t look for it . The courts will degree about children. Get legal advice as you are in a war now. There’s no such thing as an amicable breakup when children and property are involved

Dial Hard · 04-08-2023 1:16am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120937376#Comment_120937376

With all due respect, cj, and we get on like a house on fire elsewhere, this is terrible advice. The courts take a very, very dim view of people attempting to hide assets and it's generally very easily found out. The OP needs to go into this with his children's best interests front and centre, not preparing for "war" with his wife. He should absolutely lawyer up but as a divorced (property but no children) woman myself, in a committed relationship with an almost-divorced dad of three (family home involved), it can be amicable. Genuinely. If people can set ego aside. I'm not saying it's easy, but it can be done.

Wife is cheating - what next?

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