My partner has finally had enough and I don't know how to convince him I can change

ElizaBennett · 21-08-2023 12:00pm #1

Hi and thanks for reading. This is really long, sorry about that. It’s going to read like a litany of terrible communication but unfortunately that’s how our relationship has gone. And I’m really not sure where to go from here. I suppose I’m asking if anyone thinks there’s hope for us.

We’ve been a couple for over 9 years and I suppose the entire problem could be reduced to the fact that we have both always wanted different things. And we’ve been terrible at communicating about it. Him moreso than me, I believe, as I feel I’ve always been honest with him and never pretended to want what I don’t. He’s always been brilliant at the romantic stuff, expressing his love etc, which led me to think we was actually a good communicator for a long time. But now I realise he’s really not and has been hoping all along that I would change and give him what he needs. Meaning, a fully committed relationship, blended family.

When we met, I’d been very recently divorced. In spite of me absolutely knowing it was a mistake, I let him move in with me about 2 years after meeting, even though I was extremely happy with things as they were. It was easily the happiest time of my adult life. I had my life back after an unhappy marriage, a good job and nice home, mortgage I could just about manage. And a lovely boyfriend who I saw two or three days a week, plus amazing sex. I felt backed into a corner because of the accommodation crisis really, and high rent costs. We both benefitted financially from living together but it was a huge huge sacrifice for me to give up my space again, so soon after my divorce. I absolutely hated watching him move all his stuff in and felt sick about it, knowing full well I’d regret it deeply, even though I was mad about him.

My partner is a lot younger than me (9 years) and we were 41 and 32 when we got together. We briefly thought about having a baby (prompted by the urgency of my age) and thankfully decided not to do something so impetuous, which is at least one huge relief. We were very much in love and that love and passion has kept things going this long.

We managed pretty well for a few years living together. He works long hours and wasn’t home a huge amount, which helped. He has a daughter who he has two access days with per week, which was added into the mix, along with my two older teens, plus family pets. We never all gelled properly though and that’s because it all happened too fast for me and I never wanted it. I wanted a committed exclusive relationship with him, but not to live together.

Fast forward a few years and it just didn’t get easier. Things really came to a head when his ex got a dog for their daughter and she insisted it come with her to our house for overnights. We had a poor old cat who was unwell with diabetes and it was very difficult managing them in the same house. I was gobsmacked that this was landed on me without any discussion tbh (I probably posted about it here at the time.) We limped along for a while but eventually I was so unhappy I told him our only hope would be for him to get his own place again, so we could both parent how we wanted and I could reclaim my sanity. I absolutely knew it was the right thing to do. That was 18 months ago. He was fine about it at the time. I said ‘this isn’t how relationships are supposed to go. Maybe we can’t work if we go backwards like this’ but he said ‘it doesn’t matter what people think. This is our relationship. We’ll make it work because we want to.’

I was so relieved when he moved out that I can’t even remember the details now – it’s all a complete blur. It must have been traumatic for him but I don’t even remember how it worked, even the logistics. I’ve had lots of issues in the last few years. Health problems, mental and physical, autism diagnosis for one of my kids, money worries etc. I’ve been depressed and our relationship has suffered. We still really fancy each other and have sex most nights he stays over. He’s moved to somewhere that’s an hour’s drive away so we were only seeing each other once or twice a week. I was happy with it and didn’t miss him the other days. But then a couple of months ago something changed and he’s now totally unhappy with it all and we’re pretty much broken up. But it feels like it all just fizzled out and I’m beside myself with stress about it and missing him.

This is already very long so I’ll try describe what happened very quickly: I was in tears about the cat needing to be put to sleep, he wasn’t that supportive, I told him I needed to be on my own when I’m upset as he wasn’t saying anything helpful. I slept in the other room. Then he stayed away for days, that went into weeks. I didn’t really care much as was generally very depressed and hadn’t the headspace. When I tried to start a dialogue by text, he said he was unhappy with me taking out my bad moods on him and he basically needs me to see a doctor / therapist and get help. It read a bit like an ultimatum but there were no actual concrete terms / parameters or timeline. It literally felt like I was on a raft that he’d let go of and was drifting out to sea and he wasn’t trying to pull me back. That was in early June. We’ve had one in person meeting since then which just didn’t go to plan and we didn’t talk things through properly. We haven’t spoken by phone. Just the odd text. At one point a week ago (when he hadn’t been in touch for my birthday or after the cat died) I messaged him to say I felt he’d treated me badly but he got back with a long angry message. He’s really angry that after I asked him to move out I made no effort to visit his place (which is true), that he’s had to do all the travelling and visiting and arranging and that everything is on my terms (which is also true.) Now I feel he’s 100% punishing me, barely responding to my messages and giving nothing away about what he even wants. We’ve had text conversations about him coming to collect his belongings. I asked him if we weren’t even going to meet to end it properly and he said what’s the point. A few days ago I asked if we could meet, told him I still loved him and wanted a chance to show I could change. I know I’ve been in a negative spiral and we haven’t had fun together for ages. I told him to give me a month and I’d prove it could change and we could be happy again. He let me stew for days. Then replied to say he did want that too. Since then he’s turned down a couple of offers I made of times to meet, saying he had other plans and that I should leave it with him. I’m starting to feel very disrespected but I do want to give this one decent last shot. He’s a kind, amazing person. I do feel he’s turned into a stranger over the last few weeks but I’ve driven him to this really. Our relationship has been extremely one sided and I guess he’s finally had enough. But what do I do? I can’t eat or sleep and feel permanently in a state of extreme anxiety with how much I miss him and how frustrated I am by not knowing what’s even happening. Do I just sit and wait for him to get back to me with a date. He absolutely hates talking over the phone but I really want to hear his voice. I haven’t seen him for a month now and haven’t slept with him for two months. I feel so lonely without him and like there’s no point to anything. Do I beg? I don’t know what he wants and he won’t engage. Thanks for reading – sorry about the length. Hard to get a 9 year relationship into a few paragraphs. I could really do with some direction, please.

DownByTheGarden · 21-08-2023 12:16pm

I just read that and maybe im picking this up wrong. Everything you have written there sounds like you didnt want him close to you apart from the odd shag or someone to hold you when you needed. He probably needed more but was willing to give you the space you needed. Now its clear to him that you have been pushing him away for years and he is moviong on with his life.

lawred2 · 21-08-2023 12:22pm

He's the bad communicator, you've always been honest with him...

Your words

But you're the one who says that they felt sick when he was moving his stuff in.

Wouldn't consider that honest personally.

wildwillow · 21-08-2023 12:30pm

Accept that it’s over and let him lead his own life. I remember the upset the dog caused.

You need to be comfortable in your own skin before attempting another relationship.

I also think sharing a home isn’t a comfortable situation for you.

AndyBoBandy · 21-08-2023 12:32pm

It sounds like you only wanted to meet/shag him when it suited you, and thats why you asked him to leave your home, but now he has seen the relationship for what it really is/was and wants no further part in it...

If you get back with him, will it be the same 2-3 days a week thing you want from him or are you willing to accept him back into your home to co-habit?

Might sound harsh but it seems like he's dodged a bullet!

YellowLead · 21-08-2023 12:52pm

It’s hard to believe that was all dragged out over 9 years. Why did you agree to let him move in when you didn’t want him too, when the very thought of it made you sick? I’m struggling to see the point of this relationship now - you have him doing all the work visiting you and are surprised that he is unhappy and seems to have called it like it is.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your own space and not wanting to live with somebody - but that’s something you need to be honest about, you can’t agree to do something you don’t want to do and then resent the other person for it. He must have really loved you to go through all of that, but everyone has their limits. Some time apart and then an honest conversation about what you both want needs to be had. And if it doesn’t align then you need to break up. Are people so afraid to be alone these days that they stay in relationships that are clearly not compatible?!

But I am also sorry to hear that you are hurting - have the chat with him and then if it’s to break up then do it and heal, you’ll be fine after a while…but you won’t be if you keep dragging something out that isn’t working.

CrookedJack · 21-08-2023 1:13pm

There's a huge amount to unpack there, but I think you need to be honest about this relationship. You say it's been very one-sided, and from your post that's an understatement, but then you get angry when he doesn't prioritise your wants. You feel disrespected when he doesn't respond on your timeline. You are saying one thing but behaving in a very different way. Really why should he believe you?

I assume you haven't started counselling for the depression and mental health issues, or you would have mentioned it in your post. That was the specific thing he asked for you to do, that would have shown your commitment to him and the relationship, and your willingness to prioritise his needs. You didn't do that though - so why should he believe you? Actions are how you really communicate your intentions, and your actions are not saying that you've changed.

So have you changed? do you want to? Do you know what he needs from a relationship and are you willing to give it? I think you need to honestly answer those questions for yourself. It's ok for you both to want different things, but hardly fair on him to keep trying to force him into a relationship that only really gives you what you need.

ElizaBennett · 21-08-2023 1:30pm

Thanks to posters so far. This has been a really useful exercise already. I need to figure out if I just miss him because there were a lot of good things - an awful lot - or if I feel this bad because I want him back. I just don't know the answer to that. I was with my husband from 21 to 40 and one or two boyfriends before that so I don't know what it's like to break up from someone you still like and love and fancy and enjoy being around most of the time. It feels very wrong for something to end when there's so much good. But maybe it's still the right thing? How do you know for sure? I know I was very happy to end my marriage and never looked back even for a second as my ex husband is a very unpleasant person. But now i'm going through the end of a relationship with someone kind and decent who my family are very fond of. I don't know how to feel or how to process it. I feel I'm in a nightmare where nothing is making sense.

Yes it's all been done my way, I absolutely don't deny that. But he hasn't had a horrible time either. He's lived in my house making a financial contribution that was less than half of what he now has to pay in rent. yes I can be very moody and down but we had regular great sex, which he's been very happy about over the years. It hasn't been all bad. We don't have screaming matches or horrible fights, but yes I do get very quiet at times and that's not pleasant for anyone. I just wish I knew whether I should just bow out and leave him to go meet someone better suited, or throw everything at it and try do it right and give our relationship a real chance with me trying a lot harder to be less selfish.

notAMember · 21-08-2023 1:32pm

I think you know already you went into this too soon after your previous relationship. You were not ready.

It seems like you treated this reasonably decent guy quite badly here... making him do all the legwork, the travelling, him moving in and moving out on your terms. Not accepting or finding a way to accommodate his daughters pet. This one is likely what broke the camels back to be honest. You clearly understand what a family pet means , but did not extend that compassion and understanding to what was your potential future step-daughter.

I'm not sure you can fix this one, it sounds like the ship has sailed. I'd try to take it as a learning experience, and reflect on how you need to develop to be ready for a future relationship.

Sunny Disposition · 21-08-2023 1:46pm

He has been treated really poorly. He must have loved you a lot not to call it a day when you asked him to move out. That was horrible for him and really he should have left it at that.

Try and see it from the point of view of a person who cares about him and doesn't even know you. Would you really tell him to stay in a relationship where he is going to be treated as he has been for several years? In reality you'd tell him to run a mile.

I think the best thing you can do is let him go, don't contact him and don't make it harder for him. Then try to do some work on yourself before going into a relationship again.

TheadoreT · 21-08-2023 4:05pm

You've treated him appalingly and it mainly sounds like you're hurt he isn't obsessed and chasing after you any longer than you missing him as a person. Leave the poor guy be.

Milly33 · 21-08-2023 4:15pm

Just reading to be honest OP most of what has been said sounds true, so you done stuff even though you knew it would not be good. You cannot blame him or anyone else for this that is on you.. You finally push him away and now you are scared being alone.. Just go with it, it has not worked out so let it go and let him go, think of yourself and look after yourself but stop bringing people into your life if you honestly do not want them there

Big Bag of Chips · 21-08-2023 4:22pm

Eliza,

I remember some of your other threads, and honestly I think this might be for the best. You ask how can you convince him you can change. Are you sure you can? You were very uneasy about him living with you. You didn't like his daughter. You didn't like your space being invaded. The whole situation seemed very tense and unpleasant for everyone. Now - you are perfectly entitled to your feelings. But I think you need to look at this and ask yourself 1 - Can you actually change? 2 - Do you want to? Because if you make promises to him and try fundamentally change who you are and what you need, then will you end up resenting him?

I don't think it's fair of people to say he dodged a bullet. You've been in a relationship for over 9 years which you did make large sacrifices to try make it work. Asking him to move out was always going to be a risky move, but you both agreed to it and agreed to try make it work. I think the fact that he moved an hour away is a big factor here. Also the fact that it never occurred to you to ever travel to him would maybe show him that you were too settled in your life to make any compromises for him.

It can't have been easy for him, being asked to move out, then being expected to be the one to do all the running, but he tried. Until he realised he was the only one trying. I'm not really sure what you can do to try convince him, or if you even should. It might be better to apologise to him. Accept that you really did take him for granted and wish him well. He might come back to you but with his own list of what he wants and needs from you, or he might not.

He obviously wants more than you are able to offer him. That's not his fault, or yours. It's just the way it is. Being in a relationship is nice. But not if either of you are making yourselves unhappy just to be in it.

limnam · 21-08-2023 4:33pm

In case you're still under the illusion he's a worse communicater than you. He's absolutely not.

The whole 9 years has pretty much played out as it has because of your inability to communicate effectively.

Starting from when you felt sick watching his stuff move into your place.

Leave it be at this point.

Tork · 21-08-2023 10:16pm

When I read these threads in PI, I try to see things from the perspective of both people. After reading this thread and your description of how things have panned out, I’m genuinely wondering how much thought you’ve actually put into how your partner is feeling. Sure, there’s a lot of detail here about what was going on in your life but not a lot of insight or consideration for what your partner must’ve been going through.

I remember your other threads and to be honest, I’m not one bit surprised that things have evolved to where they are now. It’s obvious that the two of you want different things and have relationship styles that aren’t compatible. You seem to want a part-time partner to fulfil certain things you want – sex, a bit of companionship, some support – but your over-riding emotion seems to be the desire to kick him out the door again. You were never at peace with him being in your house and at times he seemed to irritate the life out of you by simply existing. You use words like relief to describe him not being under your roof. You also fantasised about his job transferring him elsewhere for a few months so he wouldn’t be under your feet. And that’s before we get to your problems with his daughter and the dog. Really, what is there to save here? You like him some of the time but you actively dislike a lot of other aspects of being with him.

From your ex’s point of view, I can see why he’s now aggrieved. He wanted a full-on relationship and must’ve thought that he was on the way to that when ye moved in together. Then he sees that you don’t want to form any relationship with his daughter and I’m sure he sensed when he wasn’t wanted by you. Moving out must’ve been a slap in the teeth for him despite his words. And then…you don’t even try to visit him?

Even if you and he patch things up for now, I doubt very much if things will change. You’re very protective of your own life (to the point of being insular?) and you’ve never fully let him into it. Are you really going to change that much? It’s understandable that you’re feeling lonely at the moment but if you were to reconcile, you’d be swapping one form of misery for another. I think the pair of you should split and stay split. There are too many obstacles in the way here.

bucketybuck · 21-08-2023 10:34pm

I suspect he regrets wasting his thirties on a relationship that was never healthy, so I doubt he will want to waste his forties on it as well. If you cared for him you would realise that, instead of it all being about what you want.

I had something similar once, and that moment when you realise that its all a one way street can be quite liberating, when you step back, realise what has been happening and just feel glad to put it all behind you.

You spent years telling him that you didn't really want or need him around, now he has finally listened. Best to respect that.

Panthro · 21-08-2023 10:47pm

Sounds like he's finally woke up and smelt the roses tbh!

This whole relationship was enormously working to suit around you, everything about it had you at the centre. You've pushed him away, he's finally listened. Now the rugs been pulled and you want him back? Ah go wan out of that.

Leave the lad alone and let him find someone who wants a 50/50 relationship with him, because I'm sorry but you're not for him.

ElizaBennett · 21-08-2023 11:39pm

There's a strong overriding theme here with responses and I'm listening. Obviously there is only so much information I can put in a few posts and nothing is ever totally black and white with relationships. He love bombed me right from day 1 and forced things to move along at breakneck speed. And yes I let him, though I was riddled with doubts. At the end of the day we're both adults and free to make our own decisions. He knew what he was doing, or did on some level always know I had doubts. I did tell him, the night before he moved in, that I was very stressed and unsure about it and could only go through with it if we agreed to trial it for 6 months. He'd have agreed to anything. And that's how it's always been. And yes it does look like he's finally used some distance to realise it's been too much about me all along. But we both let that happen, we both fell into unhealthy patterns. He's not completely blameless and I'm not his mother. He's his own person. I still think he had a pretty good deal for most of that time. Affection, fun, good conversation, stimulating company that was never boring. I brought plenty to the table over these 9 years. And yes the sex was amazing. I know I keep mentioning that but it's probably what kept us together this long. One day he'll probably admit that to himself, if he hasn't already. It probably clouded his judgement most of the time.

But I agree with what almost everyone here is saying. We shouldn't waste any more time being unhappy if we can help it. So I won't contact him again from today. It's been a confusing few weeks, missing him and all the positives there were but also knowing deep down this is for the best. I think I could probably do a good job of investing effort in making him happy for a month or two but it probably wouldn't last.

Sunny Disposition · 22-08-2023 7:13am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121010235#Comment_121010235

it really sounds like he was strung along for years, because you found the sex good and had everything on your own terms. It is appalling. But at least you say you won’t compound that now and will leave him alone.

TheadoreT · 22-08-2023 7:46am

I'm not sure much of what you said amounts to love bombing from him. Moving in together at that age after 2 years wouldn't exactly be seen as rushing things. It's just you never really wanted it. His presence more than a few times a week to scratch your itch irked you.

It's frustrating when you find a strong sexual chemistry but the deep friendship just isn't there, if it was you'd have wanted him around all the time, instead you felt repelled by a lot of time with him. You essentially wasted 9 years of his life by not being honest that you ideally saw him as a no strings attached partner. And then when he finally realised this and finds the strength to pull away you message him to tell him he's treating you badly and you feel disrespectful?

Be more honest with yourself and others going forward with what you want, casual arrangements are easy to find, many divorced people don't want the pressure or hassle of having ties, it's perfectly OK to want, just don't string people who want something more along for a decade.

_Kaiser_ · 22-08-2023 8:04am

Sorry OP, but it sounds like what you really wanted was a friends with benefits situation - not just sex no, but someone who was there only when you wanted and on your timeline. That's fine incidentally (despite what the morality police might say), but it's clearly not what he wanted/expected.

This lad has tried to have a real relationship with you, and juggle your wants and needs with those of his daughter and despite that and STILL making the effort when you kicked him out, nothing has changed to move it forward.

Leave him alone. He's realised it's never going to happen with you and you know that yourself. Take some time out to be single and enjoy your freedom but if you decide to go dating again, be upfront that it's not something serious you want but more of a casual friendship with fun thing. I'm sure there'll be no shortage of lads out there willing to accomodate - but be warned that many of these will not be interested in giving you the deeper emotional side, but then it's not really something you can expect in such a setup either.

ElizaBennett · 22-08-2023 8:34am

Thanks Kaiser and others, this is good advice that I needed to hear. Yes it hurts like hell to miss someone you had feelings for but it was never enough. What I felt for him was never enough. God knows he tried everything at his disposal to win me over, and kept doing it, but it was never going to be enough as there was too much missing. I did feel guilty at times, that he could have had a different life with someone else, but I told myself that was his choice to make. It never really occurred to me to take charge and end it because there were so many positives. As a parent with a busy difficult job I have plenty to feel guilty about and I'm not adding this to the mix. He's doing what he thinks is right for him now so I'll respect that. He still has belongings to collect but he can do that when I'm out. It would be painful to see him. He has close ties with a few of my family members too, kids are friends etc, but I'll have to leave them to work that out.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-08-2023 8:49am

You'll be ok, Eliza. It's easy for people outside of the situation looking in to advise. I suppose it's why this forum exists. But when you're in the situation feelings can be different. As you said, he went along with it for 9 years. He would have known your feelings. I remember from your other threads you were quite clear about needing your space, going out for a few hours on your own etc. To be honest everyone needs that alone time.

He did know your feelings, but as is very normal, it probably took him some time to also accept that what he was looking for you were unable to provide. As you said there was lots good about your relationship, so maybe he also held onto that in the hope the rest would just work itself out

There were 2 adults in this relationship. Both equally responsible for the relationship. He has made his choice now and you know in your heart it's the right decision for you both. You are entitled to grieve it and feel sad. It's been a large part of your life. It's sad, but it's not the end of the world. You'll (both) be ok.

Sunny Disposition · 22-08-2023 8:52am

Your treatment of this man has been awful and it seems like you can't even see it, even now you seem to have more pity for yourself than anything. I would strongly recommend you start therapy. No doubt you have done serious harm to this poor man, and it's very possible your behaviour is damaging other people in your life also.

jiltloop · 22-08-2023 9:07am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121007493#Comment_121007493

I think the reality is that a lot of the time when relationships break down it's very complicated, there is very often still alot of love between 2 people, sometimes moreso from one side. But that doesn't mean that the relationship should be maintained.

In order for a healthy relationship to continue and to flourish, usually there needs to be 2 people committed to eachother and wanting the same things (generally). 2 people need to moving in the same direction. It doesn't sound like your relationship had that.

Honestly, it sounds like you want want the convenience and the all the good stuff with a relationship without taking on the bad and contributing fairly. It sounds like he has finally gotten fed up with it.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I can understand his behaviour and I don't think you have much too complain about. Maybe it's time to end this chapter in your life, be thankful for it, and commit to getting yourself to a better place and deciding what kind of relationship you want for the next chapter of your life (if any).

ElizaBennett · 22-08-2023 11:10am

Thanks to all the posters, this has actually really made a difference. Yesterday I was certain I wanted to throw the kitchen sink at convincing him to stay, arrange a night out and pull out all the stops and make him believe I'd do whatever it took, because I've just been feeling terrified at the idea of losing him. Following the absolutely unanimous commentary here, I've accepted that it's time to let him go. I've accepted that a lot of pain goes along with that, which I'd felt was wrong, but it makes perfect sense it would hurt, when we had something really special together, albeit not enough to make a working relationship.

Some posters are filling in the blanks with things that aren't true or relevant to our story but that's to be expected as you can't get every nuance in a few posts, no matter how honest and descriptive I'm trying to be. I have a chronic pain condition (which I've had for over ten years) and I keep that hidden from most people in my life. At work I'm cheerful and energetic and my family constantly praise my stoicism in the face of so much physical pain. But I poured out all the negativity that this part of my life causes on my partner. I think a lot of pepole show their very worst side to those closest to them, unfortuanately. I guess you can't pretent and keep up a facade all the time, it's too exhausting. but it's also unfair on the person who sees you at your worst a bit too often. Being in pain all the time, to varying degrees, makes me angry and probably causes all sorts of unpleasant emotional side effects that I don't even realise. Maybe the romance of this relationship was a distraction from the harder parts of life for a while. He certainly had a lot to put up with. To be perfectly honest, I did judge him too. Not out loud but i thought it. I judged him for forcing his child to come into this scenario when he should never have entered into the living arrangement when I was so dubious. I also judged him for not standing up to the situation more and demanding more, issuing ultimatums to get what he needed. I guess it's a shock that he's finally decided enough is enough. It's 100% the right thing though. Because of only having one other really significant life relationship (With my ex husband) I actually don't have the experience to know how this feels and to know that it's perfectly reasonable to mourn something that's over and have plenty of lovely things to miss and regret. Really great advice, thanks. I didn't expect this to be so helpful. Boards at its best I guess. And I particularly appreciate the people who can see I'm not a monster with an evil plan. Just a woman trying to do the best for her kids and claw back some happiness after a long unhappy marriage. Really thinking about it, one of the main reasons I always held something back from fully giving myself to this relationship was guilt about my kids having to see me with someone else. Hard to win when you're a parent:)

Ezeoul · 22-08-2023 11:26am

I think I remember your old thread.

If I may ask, (as I'd like to be sure you're the same poster) am I correct that your partner's daughter has some special needs and that was part of the reason she didn't want to be parted from the dog for access?

It sounds as if the relationship has been completely on your terms for the last 9 years, and now you are panicking because he has decided that doesn't work for him any more.

I think therapy would be very helpful for you.

ElizaBennett · 22-08-2023 11:34am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121011452#Comment_121011452

Yes I'm the same poster. We tried living together and I did my best to adapt when she brought her dog to the house every week but it wasn't easy on any of us. my son is autistic and doesn't like dogs, we have a cat too so it meant the two had to be kept separate and that wasn't easy in a house like ours eg managing cat litter and food access for the cat, while keeping the dog indoors and away from the cat's food etc. But, I'm not going to be disingenuous. If I'd really really wanted to make that work I could have at least tried having a positive attitude towards it. It became obvious to us both that this couldn't continue. We discussed it and he agreed to start looking for his own place again, nearer to his daughter's home and school. It took about four months for him to find someplace and mostly we just forgot about it as he searched for accommodation in the background. Eventually he found somewhere early last year, so not quite 18 months ago. I was very relieved to have control back over my life and home, no point denying that. I decided I needed some distance from his parenting situation and felt I needed probably a year of space and time where I didn't even have to think about it all. But that turned into me basically making our relationship more casual, I suppose that's the best way to describe it. And it couldn't develop or turn into anything properly permanent when such integral parts of his life were no longer being shared by us as a couple.

Sunny Disposition · 22-08-2023 11:57am

The fact you judged him negatively for not giving you ultimatums says an awful lot. That's a really toxic approach to a relationship.

Somehow it seems your views on what's acceptable are miles off. And you say you don't feel any guilt about it and don't feel you should. Therapy would be a very good option. But the main thing is to let this guy go, it's all you can do for him.

Peter Flynt · 22-08-2023 12:15pm

..

Big Bag of Chips · 22-08-2023 1:57pm

@Peter Flynt

Women generally treat good men appallingly

Generally they don't. Please don't use broad generalisations in this forum. They don't help. Both sexes are equally capable of the behaviours you describe.

Peter Flynt · 22-08-2023 2:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121012330#Comment_121012330

That's a matter of opinion and your opinion is not fact.

JupiterKid · 22-08-2023 2:50pm

I really think this parting of the ways is absolutely the right thing to do, OP. Lots of very good advice already given here, but are you willing to heed it?

I remember your earlier threads OP, and I'm sorry to say it, but it seems to me that you essentially wanted to have a "friends with benefits" setup as opposed to a new relationship and were dishonest with him about your real feelings over the years, keeping this arrangement going to suit your own needs. He wanted more and was extremely patient and accommodating, but you strung him along for 9 years with pretty much everything on your own terms.

Now he has seen how selfish you have been and has called it a day - he is putting his daughter's needs and his own needs above yours, and you are panicking. You need time to reflect on the consequences of treating him badly, your poor communication and if you want a proper and healthy relationship with anyone in the future.

Maybe you will find upon mature reflection that you actually don't and that's fine - but please don't get into another similar situation with another man because you feel needy and lonely.

I wish you well OP and letting him go is the best thing for all involved.

YellowLead · 22-08-2023 3:49pm

OP I applaud you for making the right decision now at least. Sometimes we just have to put other people first and see the bigger picture.

At the end of the day he was an adult man (albeit a younger one) and he should have saw what was happening, it wasn’t all your fault. Best of luck with everything - you know it’s for the best and it sounds like he has already seen this too. I hope you both learn from this experience.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-08-2023 4:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121012509#Comment_121012509

I am a moderator of this forum and that was a moderator instruction. Please read The Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues again.

Do not question moderator instruction on thread.

bucketybuck · 22-08-2023 5:50pm

To be perfectly honest, I did judge him too. Not out loud but i thought it. I judged him for forcing his child to come into this scenario when he should never have entered into the living arrangement when I was so dubious. I also judged him for not standing up to the situation more and demanding more, issuing ultimatums to get what he needed. I guess it's a shock that he's finally decided enough is enough.

You judged him, and then took what you needed from him anyway. For 9 years. His entire thirties.

Convincing yourself you are well rid of the lad is one way to move on, but I don't think you will learn much from that approach.

Purple Mountain · 23-08-2023 1:05am

I applaud you, OP for being very honest in your posts. I think you gave a very balanced view of the situation.

I concur with everyone else. It's time to cut the strings with this man. You are both on very different pages.

As per your thread title about changing, why should you?

You know what you want: a relationship without the full commitment and there's nothing wrong with that.

Society is set up to believe that there are milestones in relationships.

Dating. Cohabiting. Married. Children.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to conform with that.

The only element that is essential, is that both parties are willing to participate and both are happy with the situation.

Let him go. Focus on yourself and your child for a bit. Then some day, you might find a man who is on the same page as you and with who, you will both be very happy with.

ElizaBennett · 23-08-2023 8:47am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121014779#Comment_121014779

Thank you so much, I really appreciate this response. I'm honest on here as there's no point being otherwise, I genuinely want to know what people think and it's been enormously helpful to hear it. Maybe all of this should have been obvious to me all along (and maybe it was but i was burying the doubts all the time) but people here are spelling it out and I have to listen. But my partner was never a prisoner at the same time, he was always free to go. And we never came close to breaking up before, so this change in him is all the more shocking. When I look back, especially at a very early thread here about our relationship, I remember the immense pressure from him right from the start. He wanted us to have a baby 7 months after meeting and it was a bit fraught because of my age. I thought I wanted it too but had big enough doubts not to go through with it. It was like he always wanted to lock this down and make sure it was going to last. So it's not like I was always the driving force. It's more like I was the one always pushing back, trying to slow things. Who knows, if we'd taken it at the right pace from the start, we might have had a very different life together. We were compaible in so many ways. I can see now that he was always trying to keep me happy, to make sure I stayed, and that stopped him being true to himself, and it only served to push me away anyway. I miss him like hell today but I won't contact him. We were in regular daily contact constantly from when we met up until a few weeks ago so both our lives have changed a lot now and it's hard. We've both lost the person closest to us, even if it was very far from perfect. Thanks everyone.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-08-2023 8:54am

A number of off topic posts have been deleted. If anyone has an issue with a moderator instruction on thread the proper procedure is to PM the moderator. Commenting on thread is off-topic and derailing the OP's thread. This is the rule across all of Boards.ie and not just in this forum.

Personal Issues/Relationship Issues is a very heavily moderated forum due to the often sensitive nature of the posts here. We especially ask that posters on this forum stick to offering advice to the poster who has asked for it. Off topic discussion can be carried on away from the thread.

Thanks.

Tork · 23-08-2023 12:48pm

If you learn anything from this, I hope it's that you need to listen to your own instincts. And also, you should be honest with yourself and any future partners you might have. My take on this is that you had misgivings from the start but because you never spoke up, things took on a life of their own. You might not have recognised your gut screaming at you at the time but I think that's exactly what was going on. You met this guy who was openly very invested in being in a relationship with you but you weren't so sure. You keep going back to how things moved so quickly and that he was moved in after 2 years. 2 years doesn't sound like an unreasonable moving-in timescale to me but it obviously was for you. I'm inclined to wonder would there ever have been a good time for him to move in? Would a less intense partner be welcome into your home and your family? I wonder was part of you pushing back against him all the time, but muddied by lust and the realities of everyday life?

I think it's for the best if the two of you stay split. I think it'd be best if you don't stay in touch because as the pair of you start to re-evaluate your relationship, things could change greatly. I can see your ex moving from being very invested in what you had, to becoming embittered over the experience.

KrustyUCC · 23-08-2023 12:53pm

Good that you are moving on and won't contact him OP

Think you need to be honest with yourself though

Nothing in your thread suggests you've lost the person closest to you

From the day that he moved in you were unhappy and pushing him away, hated watching him move all his stuff in and felt sick about it

You're saying 2 years was too soon

It shouldn't have been at your age

The only redeeming feature I can find in your posts was that the sex was good

It was never his home even after living with you for a few years and him contributing to the household

You never visited him even after him moving out so never even made an effort after him having to move out

Everything was on your terms

Moving forward try to stick to friends with benefits arrangements as you definitely aren't comfortable sharing your life with someone

newmember2 · 23-08-2023 2:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121012802#Comment_121012802

I'll be hated for this but, I wonder was the age difference a factor in the dynamic at play here.

ElizaBennett · 23-08-2023 2:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121017048#Comment_121017048

I don't hate you for saying it - it's a fact that I'm 9 years older than him and of course everything about us has informed the people we are and where we are in life. The fact there was this pretty sizeable age gap caused stress at the start as we both thought we wanted a baby together but we'd have had to start the process pretty much immediately and that felt wrong. We didn't have time to ponder it. But it was an unequal relationship in many ways. I was very confident and independent and (I'll be hated for saying this!) he was totally in awe of me and used words like 'worship' and 'adore' about his feelings. We were both swept up in some pretty intense feelings that we hadn't experienced before. I defy anyone to resist for long when someone you find very attractive is treating you like a queen.

A few people have picked up on me mentioning that moving in was too fast, though it was about 2 years after we met, and that not seeming fast. But there were complicating factors in the mix. I knew him a full year before introducing him to my kids, out of respect to them and their Dad. Then they needed time to get to know him and I had to break the news he was moving in (they were worried about it and not very happy but accepted it). I knew I was forcing something on them that was unfair and that they would never choose themselves, so this was all part of my hesitation and the feeling that two years wasn't long. I think two years in that context is very different from two years for two single people deciding to move in.

The other issue that influenced me agreeing to him moving in was that he'd ended a relationship with someone else when he met me (not the mother of his child, from whom he was already separated) and she'd moved out of their rental home and he had to take on the full rent and it was absolutely killing him financially. So I felt somewhat responsible for him being in that situation and felt i should offer to help by letting him move in as soon as I thought it was workable at all as regards the kids.

I agree wtih Tork that he might end up feeling very bitter, once he's had some distance, and could just regret these years. I really hope he doesn't. He deserves to be happy.

tara73 · 23-08-2023 3:14pm

I think you made up your mind, which is good, just wanted to add one thing which fmpov seems important regarding the situation and maybe you can't see it because there's so much different feelings and decisions going on atm. but wouldn't it be good for both of you to have one, maybe call it 'final talk' in person about the situation? I get it you both just slipped kind of silently away from each other, this thread helped you to make your decision for yourself to end it and you said you havn't for the last time and now won't contact him again...I think this is pretty sad and you might regret it in a few weeks or month. It was a 9 year relationship, maybe it's just me and I get people are different but I can't imagine breaking up after that long, just let it unspokenly fizzling out.

Sunny Disposition · 23-08-2023 3:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121017132#Comment_121017132

He's definitely going to regret those years unfortunately, even if it wasn't all your fault it was an awful waste of his time. But fair play to you in a way, at least you finally decided not to make the end of it any harder or confusing.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-08-2023 3:55pm

I don't think the relationship was a waste of anyone's time. Many people spend many years in relationships that eventually break down for whatever reason. The advice here is usually not to regret the time spent in the relationship (what's the point?) But instead use what you've learned to not end up in a similar situation again.

As you rightfully said, Eliza, he wasn't held hostage. He is an adult man, with a child of his own. Perfectly grown up enough to make his own choices. Yes there was an age gap, but you weren't his mother. It wasn't up to you to tell him where he was going wrong and advise him to leave you!

There more than likely was a power imbalance. And as you say I think he was very much more into this than you were. But you can not be held responsible for someone else's actions. And you can not be responsible for "wasting" anyone's time. From your threads in the past you often made your discomfort with certain situations very clear. He chose to not hear that at the time. Now he has heard it and he's called it a day. You'll both be ok after this. You're both young with many years of life ahead. I would hate to look at it as time wasted, and instead look at it as a life lesson.

Sunny Disposition · 23-08-2023 6:42pm

It’s nearly a decade lost when he could have found someone who loved him back. Regardless of fault it’s very unfortunate to have spent years in the position he did. I’d be amazed if he didn’t have huge regrets.

A life lesson for sure, but an extremely costly one. Ten per cent of his life gone on a woman who wouldn’t commit and didn’t reciprocate his love or even his effort in the relationship. He has been made a fool of and it is very sad for that man and those who do care about him.

ElizaBennett · 23-08-2023 10:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121017305#Comment_121017305

This is a very kind hearted response and this has been a huge source of pain the last few weeks. I'm really struggling with the idea of such a long relationship ending like this, without even a conversation in person.It goes against every instinct about the right way to end something respectfully and with dignity. He told me he didn't have a plan and didn't know the last time he got out of bed and left the house that it would be the last time. He said that in a text a few weeks ago when I tried to find out what was going on or what he intended. Although it's incredibly sad and a horrible way to end it, there's probably no point in trying to arrange a meeting for closure. It'd probably hurt too much. But I do think this is awful and compounds the sadness. No fight, no drama, no big event or reason. Not even a statement explicitly saying it's over. Just drifting apart and becoming strangers.

daithi7 · 24-08-2023 12:26am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121019138#Comment_121019138

Ah sorry you say there's no reason ye broke up, but there's major reasons. As @Sunnydisposition writes above

".. Ten per cent of his life gone on a woman who wouldn’t commit, and didn’t reciprocate his love, or even his effort in the relationship. He has been made a fool of, and it is very sad for that man, and those who do care about him."

That's a whole lot of reasons right there.

Sunny Disposition · 24-08-2023 8:53am

I find this thread almost haunting, it's very disturbing how an ostensibly decent person has been treated by someone who themselves somehow felt wronged when they started the thread.

Only a few days ago OP you were still telling this man you loved him, it's no wonder he tried hard to salvage the relationship over the years, he probably believed you when you said you loved him. He has nine years invested into someone who has manipulated him, who only ever wanted a friends with benefits situation without commitment, who only a few days ago was trying to convince him she would change only to acknowledge days later that she hadn't a notion of doing so.

The self-centredness is appalling. I really hope this man is okay now.

There is a big lesson for young people in this. If someone won't meet you halfway get rid of them. There are selfish people who will abuse your good nature if you try to accommodate them.

Ezeoul · 24-08-2023 9:37am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121019983#Comment_121019983

While I agree with a lot of what you've said, I think kicking the OP while she is down is not going to do anyone any good.

I think her eyes have been opened here to a lot of the mistakes she made in this relationship, and hopefully she can begin to move forward now (with counselling) and rebuild her life and hopefully this man will be able to do the same.

I do believe her when she says she loved him - I just don't think she could love him in the way he wanted her too and they both took far too long to realise that.

It's sad, but people staying in the wrong relationships for far too long, and for the wrong reasons, happens all too often. We see it here all the time. Clarity often only comes in hindsight.

My partner has finally had enough and I don't know how to convince him I can change

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