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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5432
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I now identity as a donkey


    My pronouns are he/haw



  • #5433
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    When you’re an alcoholic in law school it’s really hard to pass the bar



  • #5434
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I lasted just one day in the sorting office as a Postman. I arrived in on the first morning in a shiny new uniform and someone hands me a letter, and I thought to myself..



    this isn't for me..



  • #5435
    toggle toes
    Registered Users Posts: 211 ✭✭toggle toes


    My dog is very intelligent. I asked him what 2 + 2 equals?

    He said nothing.

    It's one of those joke that needs to be told face to face. I hope you got at least a giggle out of it.

    Post edited by toggle toes on


  • #5436
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Knock Knock


     


    Whose there?


     


    Grandad


     


    QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!



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  • #5437
    toggle toes
    Registered Users Posts: 211 ✭✭toggle toes


    What do you call a man with a seagull perched on his head?


    Cliff.


    What do you call a man wearing a coat made out of a paper bag?


    Russell.



  • #5438
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Just heard that it was a famous Arabian ruler that first turned potatoes into crisps.


    Apparently.. It was Sultan Vinegar..



  • #5439
    q2ice
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,806 ✭✭✭q2ice


    My dog is very intelligent; when I asked him what 2 - 2 equals, he said nothing.

    EDIT: Convert into an actual one liner



  • #5440
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum?


    Warren



  • #5441
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I asked 100 women what their favourite brand of shampoo was, and the top answer was "GET OUT OF MY SHOWER"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5442
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Went on a Ballooning Holiday - Put on 4 stone.



  • #5443
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I've just heard that reporters from The Guardian & The Daily Telegraph are all going out for a picnic together this afternoon.

    The press will be having a field day!



  • #5444
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5445
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I bought one of those joke cars. I'm not sure how it goes.



  • #5446
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121017924#Comment_121017924

    Why does a Lada have a heated rear window ? To keep your hands warm while you're pushing it.



  • #5447
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I've got a pet pheasant which I called ABBA because that's the name of the game...



  • #5448
    dav45
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭dav45


    When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


    Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.



  • #5449
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My mate races stock cars in Wales


     


    Wrexham ?


     


    Yes



  • #5450
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?

     


     

     


    You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline



  • #5451
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I've had a letter telling me I can't join the local Origami group.

    I don't know what to make of it …



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  • #5452
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Janet Street Porter walks into a bar & says, 'Can I get a large aperitif?

    'Barman says 'I f ******* doubt it'...



  • #5453
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    You might think the lead singer is in charge of the band, but it's really the guitarist who is pulling all the strings.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5454
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I often accidentally type :£ instead of :), which is putting money where your mouth is.



  • #5455
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I love the color blue more than green and yellow combined.



  • #5456
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,949 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    You mean you love the colour green more than blue and yellow combined, don't you?



  • #5457
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,800 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    I think he means he prefers Dublin to Kerry.



  • #5458
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,071 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I was feeling very tired and looked very drained so I went to the doctor....................He told me to stay out of bed for a week !

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #5459
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,317 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Edward Deidde, the man who spent his entire life explaining that his surname was "deed" has collapsed.

    He was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5460
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 565 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121004982#Comment_121004982
    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119872759#Comment_119872759

    what do you call a guy with a shovel on his head? Doug.

    what do you call a guy without a shovel on his head? Douglas.



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  • #5461
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My wife went to Maharashtra with her parents.’


     


    ‘Mumbai?’ 


     


    ‘No, her Dad paid for it.’


     



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