Father died, grief doesn't seem to have hit.

yaknowski · 24-08-2023 11:24am #1

He was in a home for a few years before he died in Jan, compos mentis, but lost power of legs. I'd visit him weekly, shave him, give him haircuts, new t-shirts, all the practical stuff which he appreciated, and I always told him I loved him before I left. Brought the grandkids in weekly until Covid canned that. I know he had no fear of death and his passing was relatively peaceful (C02 levels coma type stuff). In essence he could have limped on a while longer under a breathing apparatus but myself and brother chose to switch it off to end some visible discomfort.

At the point of his passing, in the hospital room, I cried. Then nothing since those tears, either more tears or any level of upset. I can look at his photo, visit his grave, listen to his favourite songs and I don't cry or get upset at all. I think about him daily and watch videos I took of him over the years weekly.

We always got on, I loved him and he was a good skin. I'm not devoid of emotion, those "soldier-family reunions"/"kid sees parents for the first time with glasses" videos always make me a bit weepy.

Is grief different strokes for different folks? He was very pragmatic about death so maybe his recitation of death and taxes means I've subconsiously prepped for this over the years.

Anyone else lose a parent/close family member and not show any real raw emotional grief or had it delayed?

Irish Aris · 24-08-2023 12:48pm

I lost my dad last November.

I didn’t cry at all. He wasn't well and he was at a point that there was no quality of life whatsoever. I was somewhat relieved that he didn't suffer with a prolonged illness. It was also important for me to create a positive space for my mom to grieve her way, they were together for 52 years and were doing everything together.

I have very fond memories of him and he had a good, long life so that could also be a factor in my case. Still think of him a lot.

My condolences for your loss hope you have lots of happy memories to remember him by.

mistress_gi · 24-08-2023 12:51pm

I think we all react a bit different. I lost my dad in 2015 and i still struggle to think about him without crying.

His death was very very sudden though.

As long as you're ok, the way you deal with it is your own.

I'm so sorry for your loss though

thefa · 28-08-2023 2:24am

Sorry for your loss.

I’m basically echoing parts from the previous replies but may add something new.

Lost my dad suddenly last year. I had moments crying initially of course but generally speaking put on a brave face when around the rest of the family and others. It was important to me to be strong as it’s something I associated with him and I was the eldest of the kids.

When things settled down and got quiet, grief came and went in waves. I work from home a lot so a lot of time in a room by myself getting distracted by thoughts. It wasn’t always crying either which really isn’t a good measure of grief. I did find it helpful to talk about it with other members of the family and share memories.

Have lost grandparents to long illnesses. Believe pre grieving is normal in such scenarios and the actual death can sometimes be more of a relief as you are just watching the person deteriorate.

So yeah, I do think it’s different strokes for different folks. Whatever works best for you and put no timer on it.

28-08-2023 4:13am

I couldn’t cry at my father’s passing, was with him when he died blissfully peacefully, after years of misery & torture from strikes/cerebrovascular disease. He had lost his marbles for several years because of the poor blood supply to his brain, but became lucid in the couple of days before death, it was extraordinary, and he was resigned to death. There was actually a if amount of relief when it Halle. And it happened in a nicer way than how he had existed in previous years, very agitated.

HildaOgdenx · 28-08-2023 8:12am

OP, what you have said about your relationship with your dad is absolutely lovely. You cared for him when he needed you, you told him you loved him, you took your kids to see him regularly. All of those things are subconsciously comforting you, I would say.

He had no fear of death, and that too is a great thing to know. He went peacefully, another very comforting thing.

It's exactly as you have said, everyone grieves differently. I find something small can bring back a memory of those who are gone. And those memories might bring a moment of sadness but more often, a smile. Especially if you find yourself doing or saying something that your dad used to do or say. Some of your children too might resemble him either in looks or ways which can be lovely to see.

I am so sorry for your loss. As I said at the beginning, everything you said about him and about the relationship you had with him is really lovely. May he rest in peace.

yaknowski · 30-08-2023 2:16pm

I've often said that I did the grieving while he was in the home, ticking down towards the inevitable. I like that term pre-grieving.

yaknowski · 30-08-2023 2:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121021049#Comment_121021049

Condolences to you too. Can imagine a sudden loss is very hard to process and come through.

SteM · 30-08-2023 2:45pm

I'm sorry for your loss OP. My father passed in 2016, diagnosed with cancer in February and was gone by September. A very long stay in hospital, back home for a week or so and into a care home during that time. I used to cycle down to the hospital from work every lunchtime to buy him the daily newspapers and have a cup of tea with him. Neither of us wanted to think about the inevitable.

There was no doubt the grief was delayed, for the first couple of years I was numb tbh. Now and then something will trigger me, a trip to a hospital or something, and I'll go into a dark place just thinking about his last painful few months on earth but I try to block it and remember the better times.

You may cry for your father in the future but if you don't it doesn't change how you felt about him. People show emotions in different ways is all.

Father died, grief doesn't seem to have hit.

Comments