Girlfriends male friend

BenBlack · 24-08-2023 5:06pm #1

I have been with my girlfriend for about 18 months now, we were doing long distance for about a year and then I moved to where shes from and we both live together now. I always knew she had a close male friend, even when we were dating she would tell me they were going to the cinema or watching a movie together in one of their houses.

About 4 months ago we were both looking at a video on her phone and a message from her friend came through saying "okay babes". I was a bit annoyed that he called her that specifically and asked her was there anything going on between them. She assured me that there wasn't that they have been friends for 4 years. She did admit that they kissed at the beginning of their friendship and that was it. She told me that they were only friends and "she wouldn't be his type anyway".

I still wasn't overly comfortable with the whole thing but just put it to the back of my mind. He usually invites her to play a hobby they both share every 2/3 weeks and again we were looking at something on her phone when a message came in saying "we should get a date in soon". I was annoyed again but before I could say anything she said he means a date in the calendar not a romantic date. It had been annoying me for a while so again I asked her if there was anything going on and is she happy with our relationship.

She once again told me that they were just friends. She said he has lots of female friends that he interacts with them in that way. She said she used to have pet names for him but once we were official she stopped calling him them to be respectful to me. I asked is it disrespectful to me that he has pet names for you and she said I cant control what other people do. She kept insisting that if this situation happened with a female friend I wouldn't question it. She also said now shes worried about showing me stuff on her phone because of what else I could see and start an argument over.

When we were dating she used to bring up about how much money he earns and how many women he has slept with at work that he shouldn't have. When they go out for their hobby she spends a lot of time getting ready for it. Most of the time when shes just casually going out with female friends she doesn't get ready at all. At the start of the relationship she was saying we should all go out for a drink or do something. I still have never met him or she never brings it up, maybe recently she knows I don't like him. I have met all her other friends that live nearby

I think I trust her but I'm not sure, maybe I feel that if he wanted her he could probably get her and I'm just a stopgap. It has been at the back of my mind for months and I hate it. Not sure if this is my problem and I need to work on it.

Dial Hard · 24-08-2023 5:13pm

In the words of that great sage Taylor Swift, you need to calm down. Loads of people refer to their friends as babe/babes and yes "Let's get a date in" literally means get a date in the diaries.

This is 100% a you problem and you'd want to nip it in the bud pronto as there is literally no bigger cyanide pill for a relationship than a lack of trust and/or paranoia.

Honey50000 · 24-08-2023 5:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022240#Comment_121022240

if the friend gets half a chance we know what will happen.

newmember2 · 24-08-2023 5:25pm

"I'm not his type" how reassuring!!...lol

Honey50000 · 24-08-2023 5:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022274#Comment_121022274

Missed that ya not good.

BenBlack · 24-08-2023 5:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022262#Comment_121022262

I will say that they have both been single while friends so in some ways I wonder why they haven't started seeing each other before now if that's what they want

BenBlack · 24-08-2023 5:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022240#Comment_121022240

I think deep down this is what I think but its constantly at the back of my head nagging me. I do really like her and want it to work but dont want to be made a fool of either.

Str8outtaWuhan · 24-08-2023 5:49pm

Lad, two questions you need to ask yourself.

1. Are you the catch or is she in the relationship?

2. Is the other Fella gay.

If your the catch and he is gay all is innocent

If your the catch and he is not gay he is sniffin around

If she is the catch and he is gay, he is definitely not gay.

If she is the catch and he is not gay they are getting it on.

Augme · 24-08-2023 5:51pm

Sounds like he's the one who isn't into her. The "I'm not his type" says it all. Has she said whether she's attracted to him or not? It seems she's not denied that. Now, at the end of the day it's still your problem to deal with it. But, I can't see this ending well.

I also can't help feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you had a female friend you scored who called you babes that she would go ballistic.

BenBlack · 24-08-2023 6:03pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022399#Comment_121022399

I have should have included at the time she said he wasn't his type either but since I've know her she has told me she doesn't have a type. I asked her what about him makes him not your type and she just said she isn't attracted to him and they decided to be just friends years ago.

NSAman · 24-08-2023 6:07pm

The “ hey babes” and the “I’m not his type” makes the chap sound like he is gay.

she’s living with you, if you want her NOT to be living with you…continue down this path.

you have to trust her until she proves otherwise, unless you don’t trust her and then why are you with her?

BenBlack · 24-08-2023 6:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022440#Comment_121022440

I think the babes thing is definitely flirting and I'm fairly certain he is straight. The not his type comment was referring to younger blonde women that works in his office.

Roxxers · 24-08-2023 6:11pm

Warning applied for breach of charter and inappropriate post removed.

HS

mulbot · 24-08-2023 6:21pm

Men and women can't be "just" friends, 100%, one of them (highly likely the man) would sleep with the other if it was offered. That's not "just" friends.

NSAman · 24-08-2023 6:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022479#Comment_121022479

Really ? Two of my best friends are female, love ‘em to bits, would I sleep with them? No way! And yes, they are both stunning!

mulbot · 24-08-2023 6:31pm

I won't ask your sexuality.

------

@mulbot as per the charter please offer advice to an OP when replying to a thread in PI. If you have no advice move on to another thread.

HS

Jim_Hodge · 24-08-2023 6:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022479#Comment_121022479

Platonic relationships between men and women, believe it or not, do often exist. People can have mature friendships where friends are just friends.

Dial Hard · 24-08-2023 6:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022428#Comment_121022428

Well then there's your answer.

NSAman · 24-08-2023 6:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022511#Comment_121022511

Happily married for second time thanks!

a few sprogs and yes you can have female friends…. It’s just I don’t do the bar scene followed by football match in my Liverpool jersey 😀

Snugbugrug28 · 24-08-2023 6:55pm

'I'm not his type' + 'spends a lot of time getting ready'

It kinda sounds like she would have been with him if he would have been with her. Perhaps it settled to a friendship as she realised he was only up for sleeping with her one and done style.

Probably is ok but I get why you're not comfortable.

Snugbugrug28 · 24-08-2023 6:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022499#Comment_121022499

You've been captured into the friendzone and made to feel like it's what you want. Let's call it 'Stockholm Friendzone'.

Honey50000 · 24-08-2023 7:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022590#Comment_121022590

So if they got naked you would not sleep with them what would you say no thanks

NSAman · 24-08-2023 7:11pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022620#Comment_121022620

Nope, I’d come home to the sexiest woman on the planet. Smart, beautiful, fun, a great mum and my best friend. I do this every night.

YellowLead · 24-08-2023 7:12pm

It’s a funny one. It does come across as her fancying him and she accepted he wasn’t into her but enjoys his company so stayed friends as a way of staying in his life. If she gets extra dressed up for him that sounds suspicious. If she got dressed up in general when going out it wouldn’t mean anything but it’s not the case.

I have male friends - some of whom I fancy and some of whom I definitely don’t. I don’t worry about what I look like when I meet the ones I don’t fancy.

jackboy · 24-08-2023 7:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022649#Comment_121022649

What if you were single though. If you would say no just because you have better at home that proves nothing.

NSAman · 24-08-2023 7:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022667#Comment_121022667

But I’m not single 😀

if you have better at home, you wait till you get home. In the case above, he has better at home, but is unsure to trust or suspicious. Either trust the woman or cut her free. If he continues to not trust her, it’s going to end at some stage.

jackboy · 24-08-2023 7:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022682#Comment_121022682

True enough. He should just chill. If she is unfaithful he will inevitably find out anyway.

mulbot · 24-08-2023 7:25pm

And if you were single.?,just a yes/no answer please

Jim_Hodge · 24-08-2023 7:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022667#Comment_121022667

"What ifs" are a ridiculous notion. Every reply can be met with a increasingly obscure, if unlikely, "yeah, but what if..."

lawred2 · 24-08-2023 8:09pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121022274#Comment_121022274

lol yeah sounds like she's only waiting for the opening

TheadoreT · 24-08-2023 9:12pm

You don't sound like you've the highest opinion of yourself or confidence in your abilities. If you continue to view yourself as a "stopgap" she eventually will too if she hasnt already. So whether it's this guy or another, you'll push her away if you keep acting so perturbed by these things.

billyhead · 24-08-2023 9:22pm

Op. Just have a straight up honest chat with her. You can usually tell if someone is bullshitting you i.e. trying to deflect the concert, body language, not maintaining eye contact etc

StupidLikeAFox · 24-08-2023 10:43pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058310675/girlfriends-male-friend

maybe recently she knows I don't like him.

You've never met him. Your entire opinion of him exists entirely in your own paranoid head.

thegetawaycar · 25-08-2023 8:50am

OP make sure you get a chance to meet the guy, it will tell a lot how they act together with you there. Meet in a group or whatever but it will hopefully put your mind at ease. You already should have a bit in common and could well become decent mates.

If they were friends before you moved over and it's just continued as is then I wouldn't be too worried but you make it sound like it's him pushing her away and that is likely a confidence thing/lack of that you have.

YellowLead · 25-08-2023 8:58am

Yes deffo meet him - you’ll likely get a vibe either way how she acts around him etc. it might totally put your mind at ease. Or it mind confirm things - either way you can’t continue just ruminating. That comment of her not being his type was not followed up with nor he mine so it is worth exploring. I doubt there is any cheating going on but if she is carrying a torch for him and would drop you if he clicked his fingers that’s just as bad. Hopefully that’s not the case!

Sunny Disposition · 26-08-2023 5:36pm

Years ago I shared a house with a female friend. I had a girlfriend, she had a boyfriend. No problem ever, nothing ever happened, still friends now.

If you don’t trust her there is an issue, not otherwise.

blade1 · 26-08-2023 6:05pm

Op u need a nice new female friend. 😁

Honey50000 · 26-08-2023 6:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121030700#Comment_121030700

He didnt say this guy had a girlfriend big difference time for this guy to put his foot down

Ann84 · 28-08-2023 1:32pm

I’m going to EP with a male friend of 20 years instead of my husband because we have kids and can’t get a babysitter…. we’re not going to have an affair.

We are just friends - you either trust your girlfriend or not.

Thelonious Monk · 28-08-2023 2:22pm

It all sounds pretty innocent to me tbh. Christ I used to go out with a girl who was still friends with a guy she went out with for 4 years and they used to still say "I love you" to each other at the end of emails etc.! Now that was f*cking weird, although it actually did seem to be platonic at that stage.

Current gf has good looking male friends who are far more rich and successful than I am but I would never even bat an eyelid at this because it's pretty obvious she has zero interest in them and never did.

I have attractive female friends that I've known for years and the idea of doing anything sexual with them turns my stomach!

You've nothing to gain from worrying about this guy, "babes" is fairly innocuous anyway.

Girlfriends male friend

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