I don't believe my BF when he says he loves me?

betaband · 03-09-2023 8:33pm #1

I've been dating my BF for around 5 months now. It's been very smooth sailing. Early days and hey, I am only 24, but it's probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had. He's consistent, he puts in a lot of effort and I fancy him a lot. He has said he doesnt want to get ahead of himself, but he thinks it's possible we may be together forever etc. Heck, this weekend he had to collect his drunk housemate at 1am while staying at mine and he drove him home and still came back to mine an hour later instead of settling at home. He wanted to sleep beside me "while I have the chance" (we only see each other at weekends) and he left for work at 5.30am?

Despite this, I refuse to believe him. He started saying he loves me 3 months ago. He recently brought up how much it bothered him the first time he said "I love you so much" and I rolled my eyes and went no you don't. It seems to irritate him that I don't believe him. I don't think I want to believe him because if I do, I'll be more relaxed and it'll hurt so much more when he pulls out the rug from under my feet. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop as usually exes would start showing "red flags" by now. How do I just take his word for it?

Buddy Bubs · 03-09-2023 8:46pm

Let him show you he loves you, that's how you'll know. Anyone can say it and may or may not be true.

jj880 · 03-09-2023 8:55pm

His actions. How he treats you.

In the early days my wife would never roll her eyes and say "no you dont". She would say "Show it!" and smile. It wasn't long until she trusted me and said what I wanted to hear. Take it from a man's perspective approaching it like this is more effective.

Jim_Hodge · 03-09-2023 9:01pm

Go with it and stop looking for it falling apart. See does he show he loves you in the ordinary ordinary everyday things you do together. I told my wife I loved her after a few months. She basically told me not to be daft. Nearly forty years of marriage later we've never had a day without love.

Roll with it and enjoy the ride.

Honey50000 · 03-09-2023 9:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058312080/i-dont-believe-my-bf-when-he-says-he-loves-me

Maybe you like the bad boys and this is the reason?

TheadoreT · 03-09-2023 9:10pm

Something seems off here. If you genuinely loved him you'd say it back instantly and wouldn't risk losing him. I'm not buying your 'I'm too afraid to be vulnerable' spiel.

But if you genuinely do, you need a lot of therapy and probably aren't close to ready for a serious relationship, because imagine eye rolling someone who tells you they love you.

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Warning applied for breach of charter. Below the standard of response expected in this forum.

Buddy Bubs · 03-09-2023 9:14pm

Have a read about attachment theory betaband, you may recognise yourself in the avoidant side. It's interesting stuff I only came across recently enough, and only because I had to in a relationship of my own.

betaband · 03-09-2023 9:22pm

I do say it back as I do. I realised I did before he even said it. I just struggle to believe someone as nice as him likes me so much. It feels like it can't be true.

Maybe I do need therapy

Honey50000 · 03-09-2023 9:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121065414#Comment_121065414

Goes for bad boys this guy is typical nice guy boring etc that is my guess could be wrong do.

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Warning applied for Breach of Charter

Buddy Bubs · 03-09-2023 9:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121065474#Comment_121065474

I was in same position, ended up with a girl I adored growing up and never thought I'd have a chance with. Reconnected in our 30s and hit it off and together strong now. I couldn't believe it either but don't let your insecurities ruin the relationship

Jim_Hodge · 03-09-2023 9:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121065474#Comment_121065474

No you don't need therapy. You just have to go with those feelings of love

radiotrickster · 03-09-2023 9:26pm

I would agree with TheodoreT. I’m not getting the feeling that you want a serious relationship with him. You say you ‘fancy him,’ but five months in you would usually have more than surface-level feelings. He sees a long future ahead for you both, but do you?

Honestly, if I told someone I loved them for the first time and they rolled their eyes at me, I’d be so hurt. Saying “I love you” can be scary and make you feel vulnerable, and I’m surprised he wasn’t upset by the complete rejection.

Either way, you’re bound to eventually push him away with this behaviour so you need to decide what you want to do. Do you have serious feelings for him? Do you truly think you’re standing in your own way but with some work, you will love him? It’s not fair to lead him on and let him continue to think he’s building a future with someone who’s not that into him.

03-09-2023 9:32pm

You don’t want him to let you down… but perhaps consider trying not to do the same on him.

betaband · 03-09-2023 10:00pm

To be honest folks, part of the reason I'm so scared it's a lie is that he only split from his ex 9 months ago, 4 months before we met. They were engaged and had been living together for 2 years, together for 4 in total. She cheated twice and totally broke his heart. All their mates have turned on her and his family have been very welcoming to me...but I'm scared I'm naive and a rebound. My most serious thing prior was about 2 and a half years, no engagement, lived together for all of 3 months and that ended over 2 years ago...I can't relate to his past. I keep worrying I'm somehow inferior to her even though I can't really be...I've never cheated on anyone and never would and that's without an engagement ring

Jim_Hodge · 03-09-2023 10:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121065616#Comment_121065616

Just take it easy. Give it time. Stop jumping ahead and enjoy the relationship for what it is.

YellowLead · 03-09-2023 10:22pm

You’re both so young. Just enjoy it and each other. There’s no need for him to be making plans about forever - I can see that would freak you out.

However if you enter every relationship waiting for it to fall apart, why bother to be in a relationship?

He clearly means what he says - now some people don’t know what love is…but he believes he does which is the point.

Calahonda52 · 25-09-2023 4:56pm

Re: I refuse to believe him.

So what will he have to do or say that will allow you move from that position.

If you read this book

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sapiens%3A_A_Brief_History_of_Humankind

You will learn that all this stuff about love etc is a human construct, and is made up, especially once we moved out of the caves in Africa and formed non nomadic societies, because sapiens was domesticated by wheat.

Three of the four apply!

Keep well and enjoy the moment

Magicmatilda · 01-10-2023 11:25pm

For you to accept that he loves you and let him, you would make yourself vulnerable. Because then, assuming you feel similar, he could hurt you. That's uncomfortable.

But the thing is that relationships are about allowing yourself to be vulnerable. About opening yourself up to being hurt but trusting that the person won't hurt you. And sometimes you will get hurt but you will survive and hopefully grow.

It's all part of the learning curve. Look up brene Browne. Open up, accept you might get hurt, trust you will cope with that if it happens. Don't stay emotionally unavailable because your scared any longer than you need to....

I don't believe my BF when he says he loves me?

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