Girl in work I fancy....

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 1:54pm #1

I have seen her on dating app....I'd like to give her a 'like' on this app....She would know it was me as likes on this dating app are free and you can see who ever....

Is this appropriate or inappropriate?

I work in HR.....She started 3 months ago....I am her main point of contact so we've had little bits of conversation.....I work in a multinational....

One part of me thinks it doesn't feel right/feels inappropriate....I am not senior HR nor her boss/anything like that....

Another part thinks 'Is it against the law to approach someone? is it really a big deal? People often date through work? She can just ignore me if she wants? Am I overthinking this?.......

Just looking for other people's opinions/thoughts....One part of me thinks I am over thinking this....Another part thinks I am right to be cautious....

OnlyWayIsUp · 13-09-2023 1:59pm

If you are her “main point of contact” at the moment in the company then I would not “like” her on the app. It may be that some would see some form of power differential as a result of this position you have in relation to her which your employer has bestowed on you. You are currently a representative of the company in your dealings with her

She is new and trying to find her way in the company, I don’t think this will help her at all and she may find it a bit creepy that one of her colleagues is hitting on her.

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 2:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105010#Comment_121105010

That is my over riding feeling also....

On the flipside did people not ask other people out in the workplace 20 years ago??!! Have we all gone too PC?!!

Furze99 · 13-09-2023 2:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105052#Comment_121105052

Probably but it is as it is.

Maybe though she senses it anyway and she'll approach you.

Princess Calla · 13-09-2023 2:08pm

Nope don't go there!

I've absolutely nothing against work relationships, however she's only new and you are her contact in HR.

I'd give her a few months to settle in. Christmas parties will be starting up and you could organically have a conversation there and see how it goes.

I definitely wouldn't be contacting her through a dating app.

Buddy Bubs · 13-09-2023 2:09pm

Chat to her, you know she's single. Ask her out if you like her, the world is gone mad if you don't do it.

13-09-2023 2:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105052#Comment_121105052

Its nothing to do with being PC

Sounds like you ( working in HR ) are stalking this poor girl by checking her social media accounts outside of work.

Did you "just happen" to come across her profile on dating app?

TheadoreT · 13-09-2023 2:17pm

Avoid the app anyway, if you know someone in real life and you like them on an app it comes across as if you're too afraid to do it face to face and that's not a good look.

Do you talk to her much in the office or at socials? I'd generally know if a woman likes me as they usually make it very obvious and put themselves in your orbit a lot. Unless you're sure I'd keep it cool for a while and try to get to know her naturally first.

Princess Calla · 13-09-2023 2:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105052#Comment_121105052

Of course they did but there were still rules around it.

As you work in HR the rules are going to be different for you, straight away there's a power imbalance. You said yourself you're her main contact. Even if you have no say in her day to day activities you can still access personal information and you'll still be privy to business decisions that may impact her team. So you are in a murky area.

Even if she was a newbie on the team next to you (you weren't in HR but rather another employee on same grade etc) I'd still be saying don't contact her on a dating app.

If you know someone in real life, you use the real life connection, contacting them via an app is abit weird ....apps are for people you don't know.

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 2:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105113#Comment_121105113

Easy now....No I wasn't stalking her....She just came up on feed....I think she is cute and I enjoy our little chats...No need to go over the top....

Pauliedragon · 13-09-2023 2:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105113#Comment_121105113

Christ stalking is a bit presumptuous. I briefly used dating apps a few years ago. The 1st girl I came across was my mates ex. I also saw girls who live near me it's not stalking. What do u mean by "poor girl?" she put herself on the app is she to assume nobody from work might be on the same app?

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 2:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105072#Comment_121105072

Fair call and that is my feeling also...My gut instinct told me it just doesn't feel right....

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 2:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105246#Comment_121105246

We are living in same city, around same age....I don't live in Dublin so small city....We live close enough...That is kind of how the apps work as opposed to putting people who live in another county up on your feed....You can't really go find people on dating apps - I don't think so anyway....

13-09-2023 2:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105239#Comment_121105239

Just happens to be a member of HR who fancies her....

Seems like a coincidence. Lol

ButtersSuki · 13-09-2023 2:43pm

If you want to lose your own job, fire away and like her and ask her out.

As others have said there’s a power differential here. If it doesn’t work out she could say she felt she had no choice but to say yes, felt harassed etc. She’s also I’m guessing considering the time frame still on probation? This is just screaming problems, esp. as you’re in a multinational. I’ve worked in a few multinationals and seen colleagues get disciplined for far less than this. The optics of this are so bad on so many levels.

The chances of this working out well are frighteningly low.

If I were in your shoes I would bury these thoughts very quickly. To be honest I’m a little shocked you even have to ask considering you work in HR. Part of me wonders if you’re trolling, that’s how bad an idea this is.

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 2:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105288#Comment_121105288

To be fair I think I always indicated I thought it was bad idea...I just wanted to see if maybe I was being over cautious....I wasn't being over cautious and I have my answer - bad idea - which I initially thought :)

manonboard · 13-09-2023 3:00pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105306#Comment_121105306

OP, This is a pretty easy situation if you are patient. Like it sorts itself out really naturally in a bit of time.

God, Stay away from anything about her on the App. That will come across as lacking confidence, creepy and creates something weird. Imagine if you liked her on it, and she had to pretend she didnt see that or something. Asking her out? While she is new, and you are her HR rep? Totally creepy. Not because of anything you have done wrong, its just not a fair dynamic. Don't ever do action that puts pressure or creates a situation that girl has to make 'a call' about whether to go with it or not. If you are at that place, you've already lost your chance ungracefully. It creates pressure and anxiety.

The simple, easy and most effective approach to take her is risk free too. You befriend this person, get to know them. Feel out the vibe with her and drop little hints over time as you create a good bond together. If you are the type of person she is attracted to, she will be attracted to you. You are not an idiot, you wont miss the main signs. Have coffee together, have laughs, flirt and tease. If its returned, you know its safe to suggest outside work activities. If its not, you will know before even getting to the asking out stage. So there's very socially appropriate plausible deniability that lets everyone keep their grace and chill. With Christmas parties coming up etc, there is loads of time to build up some friendship and tension, and you'll have plenty of chances to hang outside the office.

Dont make it into some choice she has to make in a all or nothing decision, thats mad likely to make people feel pressured. Just build things up and you'll both signal intention anyways.

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 3:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105387#Comment_121105387

Again agree with everything you say here.....These were my initial thoughts also....I just was just throwing out the app idea to get other opinions..

o1s1n · 13-09-2023 3:06pm

With this kind of thing you just need to think about it from the other person's point of view.

Woman, started in a new job, gets a like on a dating app from her HR contact person.

The probability of her response being 'oh wow! I really like that guy!' over 'oh no! The HR guy in my new job is a creep!' Is very low.

TheWonderLlama · 13-09-2023 3:09pm

Never dip your pen in the company ink.

Especially if you are in HR.

Padre_Pio · 13-09-2023 3:13pm

Be friendly to her and see what happens. No sense going straight in and asking her out.

My thoughts are not to mess with someone in work unless you're both sure what you're getting into.

Tread lightly and see if she drops some hints.

Xmas party is only a few months away.

0ph0rce0 · 13-09-2023 3:14pm

One lad in our old job asked a new female employee "Have you any plans for the weekend" one Friday at the end of the day.

As in, are you up to anything, anything special on, as you do just trying to start conversation.

Not asking her out in any way shape or form.

He was called in Monday for sexual harassment. He was suspended, She left and got paid off. Whole thing was mental.

STAY AWAY 😂

Strazdas · 13-09-2023 3:21pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105446#Comment_121105446

I'm nearly LOLing at this story but it does illustrate how things can get totally lost in translation. One person's friendly conversation can be perceived as another's sexual harassment. Interaction between men and women who don't really know each other can be a minefield, especially somewhere like the workplace where they are colleagues.

yourdeadwright · 13-09-2023 3:22pm

Forget the dating app for now, be old school & chat to her normally & get a feel for things,

o1s1n · 13-09-2023 3:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105466#Comment_121105466

Add in them being foreign and not knowing colloquialisms.. 😁

Beta Ray Bill · 13-09-2023 3:24pm

Clicking "like" on the app for a Girl in work you fancy has the potential to cause huge amounts of hassle for you, particularly because you're in HR.

It's not worth it, and if I were you I would not do it.

May I also add dating co-workers is TERRIBLE idea, I would urge you to avoid. #askmehowiknow 🤦‍♂️

thegetawaycar · 13-09-2023 3:33pm

In general avoid the app as many have said already but if you do "like" her on the app will she know immediately or only if she also likes you, as in you "match"?

If it's a case of matching then it doesn't really matter and she only knows if she is also interested so no issue whether you do or not.

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 3:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105483#Comment_121105483

Again I pretty much agree :) I think I have said I agree with this sentiment a number of times now :)

Tell me how · 13-09-2023 3:37pm

Gotta say, the fact this is a HR person asking this question has made my jaw drop a little bit to be honest.

New start - Red Flag 1

You're her point of contact - Red Flag 2

You work in HR - Red Flag 3

Strike 3. Don't do it.

Imagine this scenario, you swipe right, ye match, date and in 3 months her probation period is coming to an end, her line manager wants to offload her, and you, as HR contact has to liaise between parties.

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 3:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105518#Comment_121105518

She would know....As I said it doesn't feel appropriate and my gut instinct said 'Not a good idea'....Mainly due to me working in HR and small power imbalance IMO....Not like I am her Manager or even a dotted line....

A female buddy of mine who also works in HR (different company) was asked out by a chap from accounting....None of us felt an issue there...However it is not comparing like for like...

I do think it says a lot about society that straight away a few people referred to me as a 'creep' straight away...I am 'stalking' her....What happened to just wanting to take someone out on a date.....

Ljmscooter · 13-09-2023 3:41pm

don't

the_amazing_raisin · 13-09-2023 3:47pm

As a general rule, don't mix work with leisure

Your colleagues are just that, colleagues. You can get along well with them, perhaps even some of them are worth upgrading to friends

But realistically your interest in them probably ends outside of work

Office romances are rarely a good idea. Unless this girl is seriously into you (she probably isn't, given the fact that she's looking around on a dating site) then you shouldn't persue it

All well and good if it works out, but what if she rejects you or you break up. You still have to go to the same workplace where you'll run into each other

Given that you're in HR and have a position of responsibility towards her, I would doubly say this is a bad idea and is very likely to lose you your job

There's plenty more fish in the sea dude, better to let this one go

ButtersSuki · 13-09-2023 4:32pm

i think people said your behaviour could be perceived as creepy, rather than actually calling you a creep. You do seem determined however to ignore advice so fire away and let us know how you get on.

Re. “What happened to just wanting to take someone out on a date..” ?

Still not sure if you’re trolling or not tbh and if you really work in HR and think this is ok you have a lot to learn.

Or paint the picture you’ve painted for us with your HR Director and see what he/she says. And again let us know how you get on.

o1s1n · 13-09-2023 4:36pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105541#Comment_121105541

If this is a real case and not a windup, then you probably shouldn't be working in HR. A large part of your role is to help the company navigate awkward situations such as this, not to create them yourself.

johntrav_1985 · 13-09-2023 4:41pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105771#Comment_121105771

Did you happen the part where I agreed with a not a good idea? Or just took out snippets so you could be a smart arse??! Ummmmmm....I think i took attitude of agreeing with peoples advice...

Hannibal_Smith · 13-09-2023 6:07pm

@johntrav_1985 the rules of the forum regarding replying to posts in a civil manner apply to an OP as well as to those replying. People are taking time out of their day to respond to your request for advice. Please be civil when replying. The Charter can be found here, please take the timento read it and ensure your posts are in line with it.

If you feel you have received all the advice you need you can of course request the thread be closed.

HS

Sono · 13-09-2023 6:15pm

@Sono your post has been removed. As per the charter please offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread. Its up to the OP to decide what advice from others to heed or ignore.

Thanks

HS

ButtersSuki · 13-09-2023 6:53pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105806#Comment_121105806

You say that but you ended the post I replied to with “What happened to just wanting to take someone out on a date…”.

You can’t have it both ways. I wasn’t trying to be a smart arse. They are your words.

Despite all the posts telling you this was a bad idea you say now you agree with them but the fact is you ended the post I replied to with the quoted line above. No offence intended but it doesn’t really seem like you’re taking that advice.

YellowLead · 13-09-2023 7:42pm

I’m very surprised that somebody working in HR is even remotely contemplating such a move. I am glad to hear you see it this way too now OP, goes to show these threads are good for something!

bobbyD1978 · 13-09-2023 7:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121105113#Comment_121105113

This here is exactly why the op felt the need to post. You can't even use a fuckibg dating app anymore without being accused of a criminal act!

As an aside op, you work in HR so surely you know your own companies written policy on internal relationships?

jj880 · 13-09-2023 7:54pm

I wouldn't do it. I worked in an office with a couple a few years back. They broke up and she ended up going out with another guy on the same floor. Work social events were tense. Even morning tea break was awkward until a year later her ex got a job somewhere else.

If you are going to do it dont leave a paper trail, text trail, email trail, dating app trail or any other trail that can be produced later if the situation goes sour. Just chat to her and see if she likes you back.

notAMember · 13-09-2023 8:01pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121106505#Comment_121106505

Use a dating app "anymore"? Like, how it was in the 70s? Come now, be reasonable. Dating apps are weird minefields since they were first invented. ;)

Totally agree with you on the policy piece though, any bog standard multi-national company will have explicit written policies on this subject. Policies that someone working HR would be trained on and know inside out. Setting aside asking the girl out, if this is her only HR contact, OP needs to brush up on his training.

Goldengirl · 13-09-2023 8:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121106505#Comment_121106505

"This here is exactly why the op felt the need to post. You can't even use a fuckibg dating app anymore without being accused of a criminal act!"..

This here.. Is probably why this thread is here in the first place.

I can't believe that anybody working in HR would not know this is wrong never mind feel it in his gut!

Somebody trying to imply that everything is so woke now, so pc.. In reality this would have felt wrong 50 years ago before those words were ever dreamt up.

Might not be ok to say this here, but I think this is all a wind up... "I enjoy our little chats" 😕 ugh. >mod edit to embolden<

-------

MOD EDIT

@Goldengirl No its not ok to say it here. As per the Charter if you have an issue with a post or a thread report it. It could be well that a thread that started out as an attempt to troll could well help people out there with a similar issue.

HS

Marymoore · 13-09-2023 9:47pm

I must be a different fish altogether cos I don’t see ANY issue with the guy asking the girl out. He’s right we have all gone too serious, life is short why are people so serious?? “I can’t BELIEVE he works in HR and thinks that’s ok” like come on the guy is fun and normal and has balls.. live a little

standardg60 · 13-09-2023 10:17pm

Couple of things for me, so many people have met their life partners through work so it certainly isn't something that should be dismissed as being weird or not to go there.

On the other side i certainly wouldn't be liking a colleague on a dating app out of the blue, if she likes you the relationship will develop naturally, if she doesn't you will still have your job.

standardg60 · 13-09-2023 10:32pm

I'd also add and call me old fashioned that i think it's pretty sad that an advance when welcome is seen as romantic but when it's not it's now seen as sexual harassment.

o1s1n · 13-09-2023 10:37pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121107090#Comment_121107090

You're old fashioned.

Goldengirl · 13-09-2023 10:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121107102#Comment_121107102

And a little romantic, :)

Goldengirl · 13-09-2023 10:50pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121106944#Comment_121106944

Its not the work romance its the HR guy /new girl bit that doesn't quite sell it for me...

Now if he gave up his job for love ❤️?

ButtersSuki · 13-09-2023 10:56pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121106944#Comment_121106944

Well Mary all I can say is you’ve clearly not worked in a multinational then.

I worked in one US Pharma company where a group of colleagues decided to go to a comedy show together. This group used to eat together at lunch breaks etc. I wouldn’t describe them as a clique or anything like that, just a group that got on well together. The gig was on a Saturday night. Anyway, to cut a long story short, they arrive in on Monday after the comedy gig to be summoned to HR for “bullying by exclusion”. A person who wasn’t in their “group” (I’m loathe to even call it a group tbh) complained that he wasn’t invited to the gig by them. All of them were reprimanded and received written warnings. The fallout was pretty big as most of those involved left within 6 months a year whilst the person who complained remained utterly convinced he’d done nothing wrong. And then the whole company had to undergo training on what constituted bullying, particularly by exclusion.

I’ve alluded from the outset that I don’t think this is a legitimate query and clearly I’m not alone in that judging by other people’s comments too. It’s very hard to believe anyone who works in HR in 2023 could ask a question like this seriously.

thegame983 · 13-09-2023 11:01pm

Be realistic.

How hot is she and how hot are you?

If this is an unrealistic venture then don't bother. Rejection could lead to your termination.

Otherwise, go for it.

Girl in work I fancy....

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