Is my husband just insecure or could he have cheated!

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 9:24am #1

Hi,

I have been with my husband 10+ years and we have 3 small kids together, I love my husband very much, however we went through a very difficult patch a few months ago. ( not related to cheating or anything like that) just alot of drama family related and i didnt feel like he was very supportive or caring towards me or our kids, we were having arguements nearly every day and it took its toll so i asked him to move out and give me some space for a while, which he did, he moved back in with his parents. He was gone for 2 months while we tried to sort out our issues with eachother, me and the kids seen him nearly every day over the two months but myself and him still didnt seem to be sorting much out and I was honestly debating whether it was going to work at all between us. anyways during that time he informed me he was going away on a planned weekend with two of his mates, now i would normally never pass any heed of him going away with mates, but he never ever stayed a full weekend away before with them, and the 2 men he was going with werent exactly what i would call his very close friends, he very rarely see's them, bar the odd phonecall etc. I dont know why it was but i think maybe it was because of everything that was going on between us at the time, but i felt very insecure about him going and i asked him would he not just leave it and spend the weekend with me and the kids instead, and he told me point blank no, that he was admant he was going because it was planned. I said fair enough to that, but i told him that if he was going, that when he came back i was going to go for a girls night out and he agreed.

he stayed away for 2 nights that weekend he went, He barely rang, maybe once or twice about the kids and when i went to messgage him the two nights i got no reply, then when he came back from the weekend i dropped the kids to his parents and went out for the night with my friends, the whole night long he was ringing and texting me, telling me he loved me and that he couldnt bare us being away from eachother any longer and that could we please work out our differences etc. this went on basically until i got home from the night out. The next morning when he came back with the kids he was crying and basically it was a repeat of the messages he sent the night before to me, so i agreed that we would try and sort stuff out with eachother after a long talk.

Since then we have been doing great, we have sorted out alot of the issues and are trying to work together, our relationship seems to be far more better then it was back then with communication and getting on etc, i also find hes trying to be way more supportive of me and the kids and like that im trying to be the same with him, I feel like we are more on the same page now then we ever were before. But the thing is, is that since he has came back, the one thing that bothers me is he is starting to behave very clingy and abit posessive i suppose, he says hes afraid il leave him for another man if i question his behaviour, for instance, I was messaging my sister one evening online and when i went to the bathroom he was on my phone, i dont mind him being on my phone because its not like i have anything to hide, i dont even have a screen lock but when i asked him what he was doing he said he was annoyed it kept going off and he felt like i was texting someone behind his back! I was so annoyed, i couldnt believe that was the first thing he would assume. Then he appoligised and said he feels like I'm going to leave him for another man because of everything that happened between us which is ridiculous and frankly i find it very offensive because i have never gave him a reason to not trust me in the whole 10+ years we have been together. Anyways this has been going on awhile with him been paranoid about my phone and on top of that he keeps bringing up that night i went out with my friends saying that all he could think about that night was that i would cheat on him to get him back for being away the weekend with his mates, I ended up getting sick of him saying it and asked him why does he constantly think i would cheat on him all of a sudden, is he projecting something he done wrong on me, and he said he would never cheat on me, even went as far to come out with a statement that not only do i think is overboard but also disgusting that he would kill himself before cheating!!! I just feel like his behaviour in that sense is completely un called for and the stuff hes coming out with in the lines of that is abit over the top and no need for. I never questioned him once about the weekend he was away only that once when i was so sick of hearing about me and my one night out!!

sorry for long post, I just feel annoyed and its really starting to piss me off because i feel like hes trying to catch me out on something i have never done and its kind of messing with my head abit and now im starting to think in my own head is he projecting some sort of self guilt on to me!! i have always trusted my husband before this but now that hes acting this way towards me I feel like maybe i should be questioning him more??

Count Dracula · 16-09-2023 9:43am

You asked him to give you space and he cooperated with that.

He kept in close contact with you and HIS kids.

he spent a weekend away with some random friends , it sounds like he needed it.

You threw him out?

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 9:49am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117472#Comment_121117472

No we both agreed we needed space from the arguing, he suggested he stay with his parents.

yes he kept in contact with me and kids which im grateful for.

I have absolutely no problem with him having spent the weekend away. he had went to stay with his parents long before the weekend away!

I didnt throw him out, it was a mutual agreement to try an sort stuff out.

he thinks i have cheated on him because i went out for one night with my friends.

thanks.

Xander10 · 16-09-2023 9:53am

Sounds like a post about two insecure people.

Not sure you will find anything helpful on here.

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 9:59am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117489#Comment_121117489

mybe so, I'm not sure, I've never felt insecure before though. It was worth a try to ask for advice even if i dont find any help.

thanks

Count Dracula · 16-09-2023 10:00am

When relationships are close and then they are apart physically it is very natural for both partners to feel insecure about the other.

But you asked for the space first?

If he was cheating he would not be checking your messages to be honest.

Most cheaters come in 2 forms. They have different motives.

The worst form is the natural cheater, they are not cheating with anyone or anything, they are cheating habitually. The purpose of the cheating is to trick their partner, it is sociopathic, they do it to insult their partner and gain satisfaction from it.

The other form of cheater is a natural affection or caring for another person. it may have arisen from a multitude of reasons, but most commonly as a result of a breakdown in the main relationship. It is physically or emotionally cheating, but it arises via a craving from something not prevalent in the main relationship - whatever that be?

16-09-2023 10:03am

I wouldn’t be concerned about meeting up with old friends he doesn’t often see, when my wife is away with her friends, it gives me a chance to go out with guys I don’t often see for a few pints.

Its also possible that if he told them that he is staying with his parents at your request for two months, that perhaps it is because you are interested in someone else, and it is gnawing away at him.

Or, he might just have thought, she doesn’t want me, let’s have a bit of fun. Personally I think two calls to you over a weekend while he is away, isn’t a cause for concern, unless you are needy and want him to be calling you every few hours.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-09-2023 10:08am

Very often on here people have posted about their partner accusing them of cheating out of nowhere, only to then discover that the partner themselves are cheating/have cheated and are, as you say projecting their own guilty behaviour and feelings on to their partner.

You know your husband more intimately than anyone here, and you know when he is acting out of character. This is him acting out of character. Surely you going on 1 night out should not result in this level of paranoia from him. If it does, that in itself is something that you should be mindful of.

Nobody here can really tell you for certain that he has or hasn't. But your gut is telling you something is different. People are generally well advised to trust their gut.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-09-2023 10:17am

Personally I think two calls to you over a weekend while he is away, isn’t a cause for concern, unless you are needy and want him to be calling you every few hours.

I agree... but then the fact that he spent the entire night you were out calling and texting you is cause for concern. He feels it's ok for him to go away for a weekend without needing to contact you too often. But you can't go out for a few hours without him hounding you.

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 10:17am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117498#Comment_121117498

Yes i agree completely when people are apart it probably does make you feel abit insecure to a certain extent. I cant really explain it properly, the only way i can put it is that i did say to him we should do something try and get space from the arguing because i didnt want it to escalate or one of us say something we regret or that and then he suggested maybe stay at his parents so we agreed, but i honestly didnt think it would end up being 2 months before we sorted anything out properly. i do love him very much and i dont honestly believe that he cheated on me, its just annoying that he keeps saying it to me. but thank for the advice about cheating and how it works. i feel alot better getting better insight.!

thanks

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 10:21am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117506#Comment_121117506

thank you for telling me this. i do agree everyone needs a while to themselves with friends etc. that has never been an issue, i have always encouraged him to spend time with friends, i think it was just because we had alot going on ourselves at that time. But i didnt really think he would end up staying at home for 2 months i kind of though maybe a week and then we might sort out stuff, it just seemed to drag on until after that night i went out. i dont really think deep down he has cheated on me its just annoying me that he assumes after one night out myself that that thought would even cross my mind about cheating on him!

Tork · 16-09-2023 10:29am

Did he cheat? Who knows. Nobody here can do anything other than guess, just like you've been doing.

I think you underestimated the effect that your "separation" had on him. While it was largely business as usual for you, he was the one who had to pack up his things and move back to his parents. That's something people noticed. You were simply staying in the family home with the kids and that's less conspicuous. Just think of all the conversations he had to have when he had reason to tell people he was now living at home. I'm sure thoughts of this lengthy separation turning into something more permanent crossed his mind too.

As for what happened on that weekend, who knows? You've jumped to the worst possible conclusions. Maybe he just realised that life as as single lad isn't what it's cracked up to be and that what he really wanted was to be married with kids? There is no point in continuing to question him because it's unlikely to yield any helpful results. Cheaters rarely admit to what they've done, and even then they often minimise it. If he didn't cheat, your continuing questioning will just make things worse.

I think the pair of you would benefit from some marriage guidance. You both sound very insecure and if things continue on this current path you could end up in deep water.

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 10:34am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117520#Comment_121117520

Thank you for your comment, I think because I wrote a detailed insight into the fact that we had spent two months apart trying to work on issues between eachother, maybe people precieved it as me being insecure with my husband and the fact that he went on a weekend away when this was not really the issue, the only reason i had suggested he go away with me and kids was because of the fact we had alot going on at the time. But i was never concerned about his weekend away, i just wanted to sort things out between us and im glad we have. my issue is that he seems to think i have done something wrong because i went out with my friends for one night. and yes i completely agree with you i do feel like its out of character for him because i have never and would never give him a reason to doubt me and thats why what he has been saying and acting lately is bothering me in the back of my mind.

Dial Hard · 16-09-2023 10:37am

Did you (plural) ever actually go to counselling at any point throughout this entire process? Because that would seem to be the first port of call for me.

Hannibal_Smith · 16-09-2023 10:38am

It's possible that while he was a way the two lads were filling his head with all sorts. They could have convinced him you were using the time apart to meet other people.

It's also possible he did something and is trying to deflect it on to you.

Only he can tell you which is true, though I doubt you'll ever really get to the bottom of it.

The constant ringing and checking your phone is not okay though. If he doesn't trust you, he has to explain why. You can then try and reassure him, but if he doesn't accept that reassurance that's a massive issue.

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 10:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117577#Comment_121117577

Thank you for the advice, yes i do agree if he keeps thinking i have done something wrong for my one night out we will have to see someone maybe to try and sort whats going onin his head. I havent been questioning him, maybe i worded something wrong in my post, but i havent questioned him once about his weekend, it was actually the other way around he was questioning me about my night out! i ended up sayint that to him because i was sick of him questioning me.

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 10:44am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117609#Comment_121117609

thank you for your comment. I think that is something i will be considering if needs be. thanks

Tork · 16-09-2023 10:47am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117609#Comment_121117609

Agreed. Especially when things got so bad at home, they stayed apart for 2 months. That's a long time!

tobefrank321 · 16-09-2023 10:52am

Sounds like you are both in a limbo and it could go on for years. Giving each other space is fine as long as you come to some conclusions about staying together or breaking up. Its not really fair on either person if the space thing goes on indefinitely. Eventually your husband will find someone else.

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 11:00am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117640#Comment_121117640

yes you are probably right we probably do need to see someone to talk to to try and figure it out, and maybe the 2 months apart did have an affect on him, but he was also under no illusion he could come home at any stage and try to sort things out, he admitted to me that he was too stubborn to do that. We have sorted all that out and talked and talked about it and i do feel we are in a better place and have grown very close since then and we both agreed we would never let petty stuff like that get in the way again, but its just annoying me about him assuming i did something wrong the night i went out with my friends!

Tork · 16-09-2023 11:01am

Sounds like you're in a deadlock. Maybe a third party who's trained in this sort of thing is what you need to move forward.

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 11:03am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117653#Comment_121117653

thank you for your comment. no the space thing didnt go on we have sorted all of that out and we both agreed we are alot happier. it is just bugging me that he thinks i may have done something wrong on the night i went out with my friends although i have reassured him on a constant basis i would never do that.

Perks · 16-09-2023 11:04am

Hi,

A night out with him his two mates and your girls would sort it out ASAP.

His parents should have sent him packing after one or two nights. Where do they stand in all this? Did they also withdraw support and care towards you and their grandkids a few months ago when your family drama was playing out?

Can you recall many other instances that you didn't feel him to be supportive or caring towards you or the kids during the 10+ years?

You don't need to answer those questions on here btw.

NO screenlock with 3 small kids, don't know how you do it.

Dial Hard · 16-09-2023 11:07am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117636#Comment_121117636

No offence, OP, but I think you're long past the point of "if needs be".

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 11:10am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117701#Comment_121117701

I know your probably definately right there to be honest! I kind of thought the same soon after i replied and judging by reading some replies and me having to answer to them, i think its fair to say a third person talking it out would do no harm

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 11:15am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117692#Comment_121117692

Thank you for your comment, I dont really know where his parents stood to be honest, they never communicated with me over it, and in regards to the kids the never called to see them or asked about them so I really dont know what to make of them in that sense! I have answered a few of your questions in my head that are making sense to me as i go. thanks. my phone has been smashed a few times lol. now i leave it in high places😂

Furze99 · 16-09-2023 11:41am

I wouldn't underestimate the fact that your husband had to move out for a while, even if it was some mutual agreement. You're married, he's the father of your three children that you have together. That would mess with anyone's head.

Witcher · 16-09-2023 12:26pm

It's a bit unclear whether he volunteered to move out or was 'voluntold', you said you asked him to move out and then you said it was his idea.

Also the moving out was framed as for the purposed of giving you space but you then proceeded to see each other every day anyway and even asked him to not go away and to stay with you and the kids. With that in mind, it's a bit unclear what the actual purpose of this 'space' was.

I'd say he doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

- He moved/was told to move out

- You then see each other daily

- He arranges to get away for a weekend, maybe to clear his head and is somewhat guilt tripped with 'why dont you stay with me and the kids'

- Then when he commits to the time away as planned you leverage his refusal to change his plans into 'well then I'm going away too'

You need to be thinking of the effect all of this will be having on the kids too, you haven't said their ages but if they're any way an alert age they'll have noticed the tension, rows and the fact he was gone from the house.

The two of you need to get some sort of third party help here as another poster said because there's a lot to unpack here.

fatherted1969 · 16-09-2023 12:34pm

Possibly the couple of nights away gave him a snapshot of what it's like to be single again looking at his mates and he decided its not something he wants to explore himself. Who knows. I think you'd both benefit from counselling of some sort for both of you to move forward

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 12:44pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117837#Comment_121117837

thanks for comment. He was under no illiusion though, he could have choose to come back at any stage as long as we communicated and sorted things out with each other which he informed me that he was too stubborn and thats why he didnt come back for so long. I dont feel comfortable getting into the details of why we needed space from eachother as it is long and complicated, but it was to do with family and there was alot of interference mainly on his side and that caused alot of arguments between us, which resulted in him acting in a toxic manner with me over it. ie. insulting me etc not helping with kids and things like that. that is why i felt we need space. It also messed with my head as well not just his.

chloemaz44 · 16-09-2023 12:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121118051#Comment_121118051

Thanks for the comment. I think alot of people are focusing on the fact that he moved in with his parents as being the main issue here, yes that is something that was very much a part of the issues, i did not want to give much detail as to why because it is too long and too personal for me to be getting into, however, like i stated in my original post it was related to family drama, alot of interference going on which resulted in out of character toxic behaviour from him. it is very hard to live in a house that you are being insulted in because you dont agree with certain things. and it is very difficult when you dont feel like you are being supported with young children to not argue, however when something feels like it is getting to a bit of a toxic stage i think naturally its either make or break so i suggested we do something abou it and he agreed, so he moved home for a while. of course i thought we woulld have it sorted long before it was. we seen eachother so he could spend as much time with the kids which i think is fair and yes we would talk about things here and there when he did. He told me he didnt go away to clear his head, him meeting friends isnt something out of the ordinary! he does that regularly its not something i particularly care of him doing, i dont have a problem with it. I dont think i guilt tripped him by asking him is he okay with me going out for the night when he came back because i would like to have had a few hours away from the kids too, it wasnt really like i spent a weekend away or anything, i have never done that before. my original issue was simply because he thinks i have done something wrong on my one night out? but yes i agree a third person would be best.

thanks

TheadoreT · 16-09-2023 4:41pm

Have you never had a girls night out before? His behaviour during and after that would be very concerning. If you had and all of a sudden these cheating allegations surfaced I think your projecting theory is probably right. Either way he sounds like a nightmare, who wants a partner that clingy? Can only imagine that's a turn off for you.

DonnaDarko09 · 18-09-2023 12:00pm

Reading this, if accurate and his behaviour has done a 180 from not supporting you to being clingy and paranoid (to the point of checking your phone?!), I think your theory on projection for his own misdeeds is accurate. But none of us can know for certain here.

If it was a one night thing and he has realised the error of his ways, would it be a complete dealbreaker in any case? would you prefer to know?? or focus on rebuilding your relationship?

I would recommend counselling, couples and individually. Best of luck!

Is my husband just insecure or could he have cheated!

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