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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5452
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Janet Street Porter walks into a bar & says, 'Can I get a large aperitif?

    'Barman says 'I f ******* doubt it'...



  • #5453
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    You might think the lead singer is in charge of the band, but it's really the guitarist who is pulling all the strings.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5454
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,196 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I often accidentally type :£ instead of :), which is putting money where your mouth is.



  • #5455
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I love the color blue more than green and yellow combined.



  • #5456
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,049 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    You mean you love the colour green more than blue and yellow combined, don't you?



  • #5457
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,905 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    I think he means he prefers Dublin to Kerry.



  • #5458
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I was feeling very tired and looked very drained so I went to the doctor....................He told me to stay out of bed for a week !

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #5459
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Edward Deidde, the man who spent his entire life explaining that his surname was "deed" has collapsed.

    He was airlifted to hospital where he was pronounced dead

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5460
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 565 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121004982#Comment_121004982
    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119872759#Comment_119872759

    what do you call a guy with a shovel on his head? Doug.

    what do you call a guy without a shovel on his head? Douglas.



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  • #5461
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My wife went to Maharashtra with her parents.’


     


    ‘Mumbai?’ 


     


    ‘No, her Dad paid for it.’


     



  • #5462
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My wife went to the Caribbean with her parents.

    Jamaica ?


    No, she wanted to go.



  • #5463
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,560 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

    I'll let you know.....



  • #5464
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I can’t believe how rude the suppository help line was!



  • #5465
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121087294#Comment_121087294

    We are off too Italy for a holiday.

    Genoa?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5466
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Sir Ian Wilmut, the man who led the team that created Dolly the sheep, the first mammal to be cloned from an adult cell, has died aged 79.


    'A minor inconvenience,' he told reporters later.



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  • #5467
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?

    Anna one, Anna two!

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5468
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

    I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5469
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why was Cinderella a terrible footballer ?

    Because she kept running from the ball.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5470
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why was Cinderella a terrible footballer ?

    Because she had a pumpkin as a coach.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5471
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

    He felt his presents!

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


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  • #5472
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5473
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I have the worst thesaurus.

    Not only is it bad, it’s bad.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5474
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    Follow the fresh prints.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5475
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.” - Emo Philips

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5476
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    image.png

    ..



  • #5477
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” Tim Vine (2014)

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5478
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?


    Juan.” Dan Antopolski (2010)

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5479
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “What do you call three members of ABBA in a French slaughterhouse? ABBA trois.” Darren Walsh (2016)

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5480
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “I had a friend call Iain. Two ‘i’s… to go with the face.” John Kearns (2014).

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5481
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    “Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.” Gyles Brandreth (2015)

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


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  • #5482
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive when you got here.

    Post edited by Capt'n Midnight on


  • #5483
    Xenophile
    Registered Users Posts: 4,073 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I was infatuated and obsessed with this much younger woman so one day I decided to chat her up…………. Where have you been all my life ? She replied for the most part of it I have not been around.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #5484
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Sad to hear the inventor of predictive text has died.


     


    His funfair is next monkey.



  • #5485
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I saw the Grim Reaper walking around our streets the other night.

    I decided to put up a 20ft by 20ft net outside the back gate to catch him


    Had the council here this morning telling me to take it down as it was a death trap

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5486
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My lad came over to me and asked "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"


    I replied, "Yes, we arson."



  • #5487
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A guy walks into a bookshop and says "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare"

    The shop assistant asks "Which one?"

    The guy replies "William"

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5488
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,560 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121100429#Comment_121100429

    I thought his funnel was tomato???????



  • #5489
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Read in this morning's paper, that the comedian Russell Brand is being investigated in connection with various sexual shenanigans.

    I was shocked, I never knew he was a comedian.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5490
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Amateur golfer talking to the golf pro says


    ”I think my problem is I’m too close to the ball when I tee off”.


    The pro replies


    ”The problem is your too close to the ball after you tee off”



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  • #5491
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,196 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Been humming a Kylie Minogue song all morning.

    I just can't get it outta my head.



  • #5492
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I used to work for an indecisive football pitch design company, but left because they kept moving the goalposts 



  • #5493
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    We were so poor as kids we had to watch Multi Coloured Swap Shop on Black & White TV.



  • #5494
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 565 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    I got a new thesaurus last week. It’s nothing to write house about.



  • #5495
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 77,049 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    A preposition is a terrible way to end a sentence with.



  • #5496
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Thought CCTV was just a very positive Spanish TV Channel?



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  • #5497
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I'm reading a horror story in Braille........I have a feeling something bad is about to happen!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5498
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,386 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    He hated that she made moonshine, but he loved her still

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5499
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    This bloke said he was going to hit me with his guitar. 

     


    I said “is that a fret?”



  • #5500
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,624 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121171588#Comment_121171588

    Careful it might ... be sharp.



  • #5501
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 805 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have a book for sale on midwifery that I have finished with if anyone is interested... 


     


    I can deliver.



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