One-Liner Jokes

toggle toes · 04-10-2023 8:09am

You might get a slot on the LLS to help flog it.

MonkieSocks · 04-10-2023 7:35pm

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?..........Re-Morse code.

Capt'n Midnight · 04-10-2023 8:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121194816#Comment_121194816

She was a telegraphist's daughter. She did it 'cos her dada did it.

Victor · 06-10-2023 6:14pm

https://twitter.com/jzux/status/1710298131978457525

...

MonkieSocks · 08-10-2023 5:14pm

At our school there was a teacher we used to call Daisy,because he was part time.

Some Daisy turned up, some Daisy didn't.

xlogo · 10-10-2023 11:08am

A pear from liverpool has become the first ever piece of fruit to pass its driving test.

The problem is,he doesn't avocado.

MonkieSocks · 10-10-2023 3:18pm

I got a new thesaurus last week. It’s nothing to write house about.

Xenophile · 10-10-2023 3:58pm

Even the Spanish ambassador Manuel Labor would not take that job.

xlogo · 10-10-2023 9:13pm

Every morning I take my pet cow for a long walk in the local vineyard.

I herd it through the grapevine

Xenophile · 11-10-2023 5:31pm

What do you call a young man who failed in his exams for entry to the priesthood..........................A clerical error.

xlogo · 12-10-2023 11:35am

There’s a strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich called Kevin.

xlogo · 12-10-2023 11:35am

The seven dwarfs couldn't reach the tap to water the garden because of their high hose.

everlast75 · 12-10-2023 12:30pm

- What's that anti-chafing grease you put under your Tshirt when running marathons called?

- Nipple-ease?

- Oh sorry, "के त्यो एन्टि-चाफिंग ग्रीस हो जुन तपाईंले तपाईंको Tshirt अन्तर्गत राख्नुहुन्छ जब म्याराथन भनिन्छ?"

xlogo · 12-10-2023 2:20pm

For Sale : Typewriter

Perfet ondition

Capt'n Midnight · 12-10-2023 7:19pm

Bruce Lee's Sister, Simone worked for a mobile phone company.

MonkieSocks · 13-10-2023 5:37pm

I gave this girl a drink of my lemonade last night and she completely fell in love with me.

I schwepped her right off her feet.

Victor · 14-10-2023 3:29pm

Why was the man so in love with his parking warden wife?

'cos she fine!

Victor · 18-10-2023 3:58am

https://twitter.com/DocAtCDI/status/1714468850421379265

...

Norteño · 18-10-2023 4:47pm

The pollen count.

That's a difficult job.

xlogo · 18-10-2023 5:43pm

My Scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas from the internet.

I asked him which website he saw them on and he replied, "Google Earth!"..

Xenophile · 18-10-2023 9:20pm

Five ants rented an apartment and were joined by five more ants. They are now Tenants.

MonkieSocks · 19-10-2023 7:33pm

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon.

It never really took off…

MonkieSocks · 22-10-2023 7:53pm

The poorest person in Alabama is the Tooth Fairy.

MonkieSocks · 24-10-2023 9:11pm

The Producers of the show "60 Minutes" have announced they aren't making their show any longer

MonkieSocks · 25-10-2023 5:47pm

A naked man broke into our local church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

MonkieSocks · 27-10-2023 7:18pm

Not many people know that footballer Danny Welbeck's father Stan was a bomb disposal expert in the army.

xlogo · 28-10-2023 3:13pm

I have piles and piles of ironing to do.

I don't know which is worse.

New Home · 28-10-2023 4:57pm

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, your car needs a mechanic.

xlogo · 28-10-2023 6:03pm

.......

xlogo · 29-10-2023 8:23pm

I bought a dog from a blacksmith last week. The second I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Banjo Carney · 29-10-2023 9:37pm

I bought one from a handy man and he does little jobs around the house

xlogo · 31-10-2023 5:43pm

A budgie walks into a pet shop wearing a balaclava and sporting a shot gun.

“Open the **** trill!”

blade1 · 02-11-2023 8:17am

Good news for insomniacs.

Two sleeps 'til Christmas!

MonkieSocks · 02-11-2023 7:07pm

I've got a pair of trousers woven from spider silk.

They're great, except the flies keep getting stuck

Xenophile · 03-11-2023 4:28pm

What the nappy said to the baby......................................Drop it baby I've got you covered.

everlast75 · 03-11-2023 4:47pm

Drinks were flowing all day at the charity cricket match, and in the end Bud Light stopped play.

MonkieSocks · 03-11-2023 6:05pm

Just finished chicken-proofing my lawn for the winter.

It’s impeccable.

Xenophile · 06-11-2023 4:03pm

I haven't spoken to my mother in law for 18 months............................................i don't like interrupting her.

Capt'n Midnight · 06-11-2023 10:14pm

You'll never forget your wedding day.

The photographs may fade but the negatives last a lifetime.

xlogo · 07-11-2023 8:47am

I joined a carpenter's class last week. Haven't made anything yet - we've only just begun.

xlogo · 07-11-2023 1:49pm

Just walked past my local bookie's.

A sign on the window said open Sunday 11-4.

I am having £50 on that as I know for a fact it is always open on a Sunday.

xlogo · 07-11-2023 2:44pm

Arrived home last night to find a pretty, young woman grouting the bathroom wall Singing 'It's a Heartache, nothin' but a Fools Game.

I thought to myself, she's a Bonnie Tiler.

MonkieSocks · 09-11-2023 2:45pm

Last Christmas I bought a Russian advent calendar.

Every time I opened one of the windows an oligarch fell out.

everlast75 · 09-11-2023 9:09pm

The arrogant waiter at this hotel just fell over spilling a tray of cocktails everywhere.

Oh, how the Mai Tai have fallen.

everlast75 · 09-11-2023 9:10pm

The most fragrant of all the popes was Pope Pourri....

MonkieSocks · 11-11-2023 8:23am

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water".

I know he means well

xlogo · 12-11-2023 1:55pm

They say that Mafia members are nasty people, but...

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me £20 just to start his car.

xlogo · 15-11-2023 5:01pm

Just opened my washing machine and found my cat "Big Ginger" dead. At least he died in Comfort.

MonkieSocks · 16-11-2023 6:31am

Just wrote a song about Tortillas. I say song, but it's more of a wrap.

el_gaucho · 18-11-2023 9:48am

i know a guy who is so thick it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

One-Liner Jokes

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