Feeling like a psycho

carsynogenic · 03-11-2023 6:21pm #1

Hi all, looking for some perspective on this issue. Please let me know your honest opinions 🙏

So with the OH 17 sum years, he's always been a fantastic partner and I've never doubted his love for me, he's always attentive/affectionate etc.

Here's my problem, a couple of months ago on his day off he answered the phone to who I thought was his brother. I left the room so he could talk, he was on the phone for approx 45 minutes laughing and joking. When he hung up I asked how they were keeping, he informed me that it was a woman he works with. Something about the intimacy of the call & the length of time niggled at me but I said nothing at that time. As time went on this woman was contacting him more & more outside working hours, not short conversations either. All of a sudden he's relaying stories about personal/ family issues she's having. At this point I did say she was unprofessional and crossing a boundary & I am not amused. He waves it off airily

Roll on a couple off weeks, he gets a text off this woman at 12.30am Friday night/Saturday morning (even typing this is making me feel sick) and he responded to it. He didn't think I saw it as I was dozing on the sofa at the time. I can absolutely tell you that NOTHING about their work warranted a text at that time. That's when the rot set in, I thought 'if one of my friends told me that story, I'd immediately think that was code for are you free now'

I have noticed that his phone is now stuck up his arse & hes changed access from a pin to his face.

Few weeks later I overheard him on the phone to another colleague discussing this other woman and somehow he knows her work routine, i.e. what she does before she comes to work.

Queue the meltdown, I'm really upset and telling him that this is making me very uncomfortable, he was angelic, said if it was the other way around he'd freak and he understood. Told me I never had to worry etc, and any time I wanted to I could look at his phone (I never want to do that, imo don't look unless you're prepared to find something)

Huuuge relief... for a while.

He's back to being secretive with his phone & is now trying to say she hasn't contacted him on his workphone since that day.

I can't get rid of the gut rot. Even though I say to myself "if he's cheating it'll come out" my head just will NOT leave me alone. It's like a 6th sense but I'm not sure it's a 'cheating' 6th sense or if I'm picking up on him having an interest/attraction to her. Please help me. Not sure if I'm a psycho or in denial 😩

YellowLead · 03-11-2023 8:06pm

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. If it was me I could never move past that. I’d sooner forgive a one night stand than deliberate on-going emotional cheating which is exactly what this is.

standardg60 · 03-11-2023 8:20pm

All of a sudden he's relaying stories about personal/ family issues she's having

This is a major red flag for me, you're definitely not being a psycho here OP

carsynogenic · 03-11-2023 9:36pm

Married and he's a stepdad to my 2 now adult kids

Thanks

carsynogenic · 03-11-2023 9:39pm

That's the strange thing, set his alarm 5 minutes earlier and when I quizzed him he just mumbled shoite. As a result times leaving for work haven't changed. I got the feeling it might have if I hadn't been so alert

carsynogenic · 03-11-2023 9:40pm

😩😩 that's what I was thinking but just didn't want to admit 😢

carsynogenic · 03-11-2023 9:41pm

Thanks! I honestly was waiting for the 'is he not allowed talk to other women at all' comments

I just keep feeling sicker

carsynogenic · 03-11-2023 9:55pm

Also just for clarification I can't 'prove' he's still at it, I can't see what he's doing but I'm noticing the phone not just being left like it used to be. I don't want to go through it anyway because it's easy to delete messages 🙃 pffffff

I'm finding it very difficult tbh

SEPT 23 1989 · 03-11-2023 10:11pm

He must not be getting what he needs at home

things ok in the bedroom department after 17 years together

You both putting in the effort to make things good?

YellowLead · 03-11-2023 10:13pm

At least your kids are adults, it allows for much more freedom of movement. Small comfort I know.

He has this woman on a pedestal and is engaged in making her troubles his troubles,

He has snuck out the back door of your marriage.

carsynogenic · 03-11-2023 10:22pm

Bless you ❤️ if anything he is more attentive since I told him how it made me feel, there's been 1 occasion where he's noticed me watching him on the phone and has reiterated that I can look or ask to look anytime. I'm torn between him still being the saint I've always thought him to be, but for some reason my cynical side kicks in and tells me....there's more to this, he can delete etc

carsynogenic · 03-11-2023 10:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322301#Comment_121322301

Let me guess, you're a man? Things are fine in the bedroom, he never doesn't want me, and I always want him. I can't strip in front of the man, and that's ok with me. When you always leave the party happy, why would you refuse the invite?

SEPT 23 1989 · 03-11-2023 10:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322352#Comment_121322352

It’s not ok

but that’s why men do it

carsynogenic · 03-11-2023 10:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322352#Comment_121322352

Yeah me can justify anything, including murder 🙄

SEPT 23 1989 · 03-11-2023 10:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322432#Comment_121322432

Well then he is an absolute moron for messing that up

apologies

Big Bag of Chips · 04-11-2023 4:44am

Your gut is telling you something, and your gut is rarely wrong.

I understand the need to look for proof. You know something's not right, but you need evidence because you don't actually want to believe it. And of course he's not going to admit it.

You know him intimately so you know immediately when something is different. It might be just a bit of an ego thing for him. There mightn't be anything physical going on but he's enjoying the obvious attention from this woman. That can be just as hurtful as a physical affair.

Feeling like a psycho is horrible, but perfectly understandable in your position. It might be time to look at what you're willing to tolerate in your relationship. He's hiding something. He's very definitely hiding something. He has crossed a line with this woman and is making you feel like you're the one in the wrong. He might not fully understand the impact his actions are having on you, and when you're emotional it can be difficult to discuss.

Give yourself a break. Give yourself time to understand how you are feeling and why. In time you will come to the right decision for yourself. You'll be ok.

pgj2015 · 04-11-2023 5:30am

maybe hire a private investigator to follow him?

carsynogenic · 04-11-2023 6:48am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322911#Comment_121322911

thought about this but it's ridiculous expensive plus he's never away long enough to actually do anything. No late/ weekend working.

carsynogenic · 04-11-2023 6:58am

Thanks so much, I'm definitely sensing something for sure. I was kinda hoping for the 'you're nuts' reaction though 🤣

Mr Disco · 04-11-2023 8:01am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322938#Comment_121322938

Seems like a very very big overreaction to me.

Is the lad not allowed have a female friend? Does his communication need to be at times set by you? And topics strictly censored to what you deem appropriate? You’d hire a private investigator except they are too expensive?

You ask are you a psycho? Emphatically the answer is yes.

i124Q · 04-11-2023 8:13am

Until you get reassurance from him, its always going to be on your mind. Be open and honest with him if it's still niggling at you. What if the roles were reversed, ask him how he would feel.

If he has banter with her that's fine, that's good in fact that he has a mate to vent with about work. But if in any way it crosses that boundary of banter into flanter, aka he is giving a lot of compliments, and his time with her feeds into your dinner time or weekend plans, that's when you need to address it. Make sure to: Stay Calm, see his view point, tell him how you feel and that your glad he's made a good friend. Be on his side and don't start accusing, that will get you nowhere and only push him away.

steinbock123 · 04-11-2023 8:17am

You could do the same thing and get yourself a male “friend”, (preferably slightly younger), flaunt him on the phone like your partner does and see how he likes it. He won’t be long getting hot under the collar about it I’ll wager.

carsynogenic · 04-11-2023 10:04am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121322999#Comment_121322999

He absolutely is entitled to female friends, did you not read the whole thing? I think sending texts at 12.30am at the weekend might just be a step too far. I have male colleagues, I chat & have a laugh with but they don't know about issues I'm having and I don't ring them outside work for advice about it. I don't sit outside in my car and chat to them for 20 mins. I 100% know if the roles were reversed he'd snap. In fact I did have a male friend who I worked with and was close to but OH became convinced friend was attracted to me and he was uncomfortable. I didn't feel great about it but I definitely took a step back from the friendship.

Tbf when you put it like that I can see your point, so why won't the niggling feelings just phack off 🙃

carsynogenic · 04-11-2023 10:10am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121323018#Comment_121323018

He's been great at reassuring me, and he has admitted that he would flip if it was the other way round. That's the thing, she's ringing him on his days off & he's answering, texting in the middle of the night allegedly about the job. There's not a single thing job related that would require a text at that hour, and again he's answering. That's what really got the heckles up. And the very day I confronted him and he said he would step back is apparently the last day she text him? Nothing since? To go from being in contact multiple times a day to radio silence? Wtf

thefa · 04-11-2023 11:02am

@carsynogenic I’m not clear on the timelines here across all the posts. Are you saying 1) you confronted him, he said he was stopping contacting her but you’re suspicious as he’s still secretive about the phone or 2) you confronted him, he said he was stopping but things like the late night text happened since?

carsynogenic · 04-11-2023 11:14am

Sorry, I'm all over the place. Lengthy phone calls and what I'd consider inappropriate conversation initially, then the middle of the night/texting/ringing weekends, then I confronted him when I overheard him relaying her morning routine before she comes to work. Like htf would he know that stuff? He said he'd step back, but now it appears that she hasn't rang or text him since that day, (so how are they communicating for work) and he's back to being suspect with the phone.

Example: phone was in his pocket yesterday, he left the room when he got a text, then he comes back in after a few minutes and makes it very obvious that he's leaving the phone down and leaving the room as if a) I'm going to look & b) as if I don't know that you can delete specific messages from whatsapp/messenger

thefa · 04-11-2023 12:17pm

It could be everything or nothing. The earlier deemed transgressions are clearly still playing on your and you’ve lost trust which is understandable but I’m not sure you’re going about this the right way.

You seem to be assuming the worst now for everything, which appears to be mainly phone related. Like the suspected text yesterday - was it definitely a text or could it have been another notification? Did he need to step out for another reason anyways?He’s offered you to check his phone and you seem to have some opportunities to potentially catch him out if your suspicions are true (ask him to show notification if it wasn’t a message which he could delete) but you are assuming the worst and letting it fester.

Some of your earlier examples like his alarm changing 5 minutes seem like a stretch. Even things like why was he taking a phone call in front of you from her or gossiping about her family troubles with you if he was planning on having an affair with her?

On work friendships, some of us don’t have big social circles and can develop friendships with people we work with to the point of which we can discuss personal matters which are not work related in the slightest.

Frankly, I think some of the earlier responses are extreme given how sure they are of his guilt. The nature of the conversation is pretty key (detailed earlier by another poster) and obviously if your husband or this woman have feelings for each other, that is a big concern.

pgj2015 · 04-11-2023 1:15pm

Always trust your gut op. I was in a relationship before and I noticed my girlfriend at the time leaving the room to take calls and other strange behavior, one night I looked at her texts while she was asleep, sure enough there were loads of texts between her and her ex who she supposedly hated, I didnt feel one bit bad for looking through her texts because I only did it after seeing her strange behavior and I was proved right.

Facthunt · 04-11-2023 3:06pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121323526#Comment_121323526

Play him at his own game …. Get yourself a Tinder or Bumble profile and see if he likes you chatting to other guys?

Dial Hard · 04-11-2023 5:13pm

You're not going to like my post, OP. My husband had a very similar dynamic with a female colleague, constant texting, laughing, he knew everything about her life outside work, etc. I used to jokingly refer to her as his girlfriend. Like, we'd be watching a film and his phone would be pinging constantly and I'd go "Seriously, it's Friday evening, will you tell your girlfriend to bugger off, we're trying to spend some time together". I never for a moment thought anything of it because I just didn't see her as a threat. It bothered me at times, like the film example above or if we were sitting down to dinner but I'd be like "Come on, dude" and he'd put the phone away.

Long story short, he's been married to her for several years.

You need to nip this in the bud now. Even if it hasn't gotten physical yet, an emotional affair can do far, far more damage than a physical one. Ignore all the "Is he not allowed have a female friend?" bollox above and put a stop to this. She's not his friend, she's his mistress-in-waiting. Believe me, I spent YEARS beating myself up for being so complacent.

Best of luck.

evolvingtipperary101 · 04-11-2023 6:26pm

Do not engage in tit for tat with your own emotional affair or digital profile - this will lead to nothing good. From your posts, I don’t think you would be able for that type of nonsense

so, you seem to suggest there’s absolutely no change in work schedule and no excess time anywhere. He’s spending his time with you… so surely there’s nothing untoward going on? Perhaps there was something sprouting and you snuffed it out and he came to his senses. He was flattered by attention and was comfortable enough to take calls in front of you. This other woman was perhaps trying her luck… and got nowhere. He saw the error his ways?

AyeGer · 04-11-2023 6:49pm

I have female friends at work and would speak to them every day. If one of them texted me at 12:30am I’d be thinking she is trying to move this to the next stage. I’d never have.a 45 min phone call with one of them outside of work either.

Maybe your boyfriend genuinely doesn’t see it this way but I think she is definitely showing an interest.

mykrodot · 04-11-2023 7:45pm

surely if he keeps saying you can check his phone then there is nothing much going on?? I mean even if he is deleting messages on WhatsApp you will see this? Deleted messages show up as deleted messages

Escapees · 04-11-2023 8:12pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325719#Comment_121325719

Not if you delete them a second time...

lbj666 · 04-11-2023 8:22pm

I know this will not put you at more ease but..Xmas party season is coming soon..people do stupid ****

mykrodot · 04-11-2023 9:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325817#Comment_121325817

didnt know that, thanks! Obviously I don't delete messages very often :-)

radiotrickster · 04-11-2023 11:27pm

Texting a colleague outside of work and knowing what’s going on in their personal life seems pretty standard to me. People make friends at work, chat over lunches, make small talk in the office, and so to me that all seems normal.

The 45 minute call isn’t normal. I can’t remember the last time I had a phone call with anyone for that long.

If your gut says something is off, follow it.

carsynogenic · 05-11-2023 6:29am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121326436#Comment_121326436

Yep, genuinely thought it was his brother. Also getting and replying to texts in the middle of the night. I asked him about it yesterday and he showed me his phone, the middle of the night one was gone, couldn't find it and he claimed he didn't remember it happening

carsynogenic · 05-11-2023 6:32am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325433#Comment_121325433

Thanks for this, I sense this is the case. I don't think physically he has cheated but I think his egos getting a boost and if I'm honest I'm feeling threatened but I'm not sure why. Obviously he's got other female colleagues this one is just over stepping the boundaries

carsynogenic · 05-11-2023 6:34am

Sorry that happened to you 😔

carsynogenic · 05-11-2023 6:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121324536#Comment_121324536

Thanks for this, yes he has other female colleagues that would contact him out of hour's, it would only annoy me if we were away or out on a date and it would be him responding that would irk me rather than the person that text/ rang. Feeling sicker and sicker

pgj2015 · 05-11-2023 12:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325719#Comment_121325719

He might have a secret second phone.

carsynogenic · 05-11-2023 12:25pm

He might but I don't know. I feel awfully disloyal, but I just can't get rid of the niggling stomach clenching suspicion.

05-11-2023 5:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058320937/feeling-like-a-psycho

if it walks like a duck, it is a duck.

My ex was very secretive and cagey with his phone. *edit*

I have a phone. In a relationship or single, I leave it in the room, I take it with me, I fling it here and there, I lose it in the bed and if I’m in good company, I’ll usually forget it or not check it because I’m happy with my reality. Simple. That’s it. It’s not a natural thing to be overly invested on your phone or in a female colleague. Are you going to keep being “understanding” or are you actually gonna throw a few f*cks into this clown? He’s disrespecting you, either has no backbone where his personal boundaries are with this female colleague or is cheating on you. Either way, it’s not good enough.

Have it out. Lay it out on the table. You know what’s what. You’re just here to get confirmation.

So to sum up OP, if it walks like a duck - it usually is a big one.

ElizaBennett · 06-11-2023 1:19pm

I think there's a certain amount of naivety in posts claiming that he can't be doing anything untoward as he's talked to her in front of you and he's told you about her business etc. It's important to note that even he himself may not realise he's embarking upon an emotional affair - or possibly could be. He could have started to feel a friends-type attraction to her at first, just drawn to her and enjoying her company, not seeing anything wrong with that so perfectly happy for you to know about her etc. But that could change (without him really knowing it) into something deeper, which is possibly what's started to happen now. And it's very hard to stop that happening. Those of us with experience of emotional affairs in the work place realise just how easy it can be to go there so, when you start to feel it happen with someone (lingering eye contact, compliments, slightly inappropriate levels of interest / comments etc) you just cut off the possibility by making sure you're never alone with that person, you don't go out socially and you don't court their attention. You nip it in the bud, in other words. He hasn't done that and you need to be worried. And I absolutely think you can trust your gut on it.

I think the best thing to do is give it a few few days, let him relax a bit about it, then when he's in the room with him phone, just say 'you know what, it might be stupid but I really do feel a bit insecure about your work friend. You said I could look at the texts between you so can i do that now please?' Yes it might all be deleted and , if it is, he'll need to explain why. That's my advice.

carsynogenic · 06-11-2023 1:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121332091#Comment_121332091

I think you're bang on the money here, had it out with him yesterday and he again said he doesn't remember the middle of the night text. We looked through his phone and it's gone. I didn't challenge him about it, I didn't let on that I know you can delete messages, I just didn't feel prepared to go down that road because it would have ended up with me insisting on him deleting and reinstalling his WhatsApp and finding the text that I know is there. Which would have led to me challenging him on the lied, and I'm not sure if I go down that road I'll come back. I'm currently organising my deceased sons birthday marker, I haven't got the strength. Also he's the only man my daughter trusts, I think it will do serious damage to her. He's making a show of leaving his phone until he thinks I'm not paying attention and just 10 minutes ago picked it up, went into the kitchen, then closed the door behind him. When I went in a few minutes later the phone was on the counter. Now he's in the bathroom shaving his head, left the phone on the counter incase I want to peek, which I didn't because why bother, I know he's deleting the messages

06-11-2023 2:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121332158#Comment_121332158

For gods sake… sorry OP. This is going around the houses.

Be direct and clear. He’s engaging a female colleague in an inappropriate manner. He should have put her in her place when it started in a professional manner or reported her to the line manager for inappropriate contact outside work hours when it persisted or just a bog standard **** off would of done the trick. Simple.

Sounds to me like he likes engaging her and likes the attention and enjoys the conversation. She sees no boundaries- plough on - happy days!

What else could it possibly be? And don’t go down that road of using the job as an excuse. No one is that invested that they allow it interfere with their personal lives and boundaries. He’s engaging it and complicit.

You need to decide what you will and will not accept. What you are and are not comfortable with. This isn’t hard. What are your values and standards? Do you value respect? Do you value honesty? Do you value fidelity? Can you keep living like this together? Being so paranoid and worried that you make yourself sick? The fact he is deleting messages should be a massive red flag to you? But again, depends on what you’ll be willing to put up with. I can tell you - I was absolutely not going to put up with being made a fool of. I’d rather be on my own than twisting myself up with stress worrying about who my ex was onto this week.

You can keep watching and pussy foot around eachother for a peaceful life or call it like you see it, be brave and clearly communicate you are not happy, you don’t accept the behaviour, it’s not good enough and walk. What other choice is there? Stay and let him walk on you? Turn a blind eye? Go for a walk alone, get a coffee, sit alone and think. Get your thoughts in order and weigh things up. You are either ok with putting up with BS or not.

my guess is since you are posting here, you’re not ok with it and it’s not good enough. I want to say to you - it’s ok to walk away and end it. You have no choice. You tried. You can only act on the information you have in front of you. And it doesn’t sound good to me.

Dont be afraid to walk away from him.

Sunny Disposition · 06-11-2023 6:03pm

Going against the grain here, but I’ve had female colleagues I was close with and there was never anything inappropriate happening.

I don’t see the issue with him talking to her on the phone, or answering texts.

It looks to me like you just don’t trust him? Is there a problem that predates this?

YellowLead · 06-11-2023 6:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121333623#Comment_121333623

When you say close with though - you were texting outside of work at all hours secretively?

I am good friends with guys I work with - but we don’t text outside of the office, or inside for that matter - we talk in person or there are group chats. It would be inappropriate to behave in any other manner.

ElizaBennett · 06-11-2023 6:53pm

Completely agree with YellowLead. I have a great guy on my team at work, brilliant at his job and invaluable to us. But he's taken to texting me now and then in the evening and weekends and there's something just not right about it. I send very short responses or thumbs up. Usually wait till working hours, and that's keeping it in check. Would be extremely easy to let that get into idle chitchat and go further. He's married, though not happily from what he hints. When you know there's something going on beneath the surface you just know. I aways ask myself What if a female work colleague started this kind of texting? The answer is always They just wouldn't. OP, you're right to feel uncomfortable about this.

Sunny Disposition · 06-11-2023 7:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121333692#Comment_121333692

Texted all the time, same as I would have male friends, no difference. Wouldn’t have been secretive about it, but then no one was making an issue out of it.

Im not saying this man isn’t cheating, obviously I don’t know, but sending text messages or talking in the phone shouldn’t be an issue.

OP you really need to settle this fast though. If he isn’t cheating he’s not going to be impressed with you thinking he is, it’ll damage the relationship hugely. He’ll feel he can’t be himself around you. And he’ll be right.

Feeling like a psycho

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