Partner not going back to work - am I being unfair??

If he does not go back to work, are there any state supports he can get.

I am in a similar position, though not as far down the line, but am also waiting the hammer to fall.

I am working so as I can continue to be a contribution to society and not be sitting around moping about it all..

He may feel the same via the novel but I would suggest he goes back to work as sitting around writing with this health issue in the background won't make for easy writing

Are you renting?

You also need to budget very clearly and make sure that only joint expenses are being paid jointly

I don't think you're being unfair at all. It's not uncommon for people who have such a huge health scare like that to start living their life to the max, as you put it, because they suddenly realise all the things they could have missed out on had worst come to worst. I think you need to sit down and discuss the money situation. Three hours of work two-four mornings a week doesn't sound like much of a sacrifice for him to make assuming he is well enough to do it. That's only 6-12 hours a week, he will have plenty of time outside of work to do all the other things he wants to do.

At the end of they day you are partners, he should also be supporting you in any way he can just as you have been supporting him. It doesn't sit right with me that he pays off his credit card bill and then takes your money from the joint account to replenish his own funds. If all the stuff on the credit card bill is stuff for both of you and household expenditure then fair enough, but he shouldn't be taking money out of the joint account for anything he is buying just for himself.

Can I ask if you are married? And if not, why not? Think about what would happen with life assurance and insurance and any shared loans, and death in service benefits, and inheritance if you are not married?

In my personal experience, having separate accounts but sharing a life together can sometimes show that people are not thinking the same way financially... leading to some stress on the relationship. money trouble makes emotional trouble.

He seems to be coping with the scare by spending everything you have, and living life like there is no future. Maybe counselling would help here if you've already had the conversation and he is still experiencing that shock. He might need some motivation to get back into gear with providing for himself, and your shared future. Does he think that your future doesn't exist anymore?

Another way to start to look at this is to start a financial plan for your lives, if you don't have one already. Small things... how to create an emergency fund... once that is done, what's the plan to get rid of any large debts, and then move into planning for your future or retirement.

There's an american radio host, Dave Ramsey, who hosts a radio program on finances, there are clips of his show all over the place in easy to understand bitesize chunks, you can give him a google , vids will be on every platform. It's american but the concepts are the same wherever you live. A few of those might influence your partners thinking.

It's totally understandable that a health scare has made him re-evaluate his priorities, but he needs to be realistic here - he has a family and responsibilities and if that can't work on one income then something has to give. Good for him, he's writing a book but plenty of published novelists still can't afford to give up the day job - Damien Owen, who wrote Duffy & Son is just one of many, many examples.

You need to have a very frank and honest conversation about the realities of your (joint) financial situation. It sounds like you've been carrying the lion's share of the burden for quite a while now, and he assumes that can continue.

No you’re not being unfair at all. Quite the opposite clearly and have been extremely supportive- he is so lucky to have that.

But this “living life to the max and no worries” spiel is all very well but we all have to make a living to provide the necessities of life and also the luxuries- cancer or not we cannot expect someone to provide that. I think he’s living in a fantasy land and needs to realise asap he needs a plan to support himself and also mutually you as his partner

I could be totally wrong about this but I have the impression that he has never had to worry about finances because you have always done the planning and worrying for both of you. He might genuinely not appreciate that a loss of income will have real consequences for the family.

As regards the novel, there's always the chance that it's the answer to your problems. Tell him to polish what has already been written and send it to as many literary agents as you can find addresses for. Set a date as a goal for sending manuscripts out. Read the agents' guidelines about things like preferred formats and genres, precis, author details and anything else that comes up. A lot of agents won't consider something that isn't finished but a clear plot outline for the parts that aren't yet written might get their interest.

Is he actually working on the novel? Writing is hard, finishing things is very, very hard. He is doing this instead of having a job so unless it's an excuse and a distraction he needs to be actually toiling away at it, setting goals and sticking to a schedule. A thousand words a day is very achievable and even if it's not his best work it's progress.

The novel might be a winner or it might be an excuse not to go back to the grind. He needs to understand that writing is its own grind. A little supportive pressure to take the writing seriously might produce a great novel or it might help him to understand that the offer from his employers is worth considering.

If either of you were abducted by aliens, never to return, what state would your finances be in? If you're living on credit cards you're in real danger of slipping into serious debt if something unexpected comes up.

Are you paying for childcare? With one parent not working it really doesn't make sense to outsource childcare.

It's very possible he's having a brief Lester Burnham spell and he'll come to his senses of his own accord.

When Harper Lee had been banging on about wanting to write a novel for a while, her friends got together and collected the money she would need to live on for a year and get the novel written. She was galvanised by the faith her friends had in her and she had a concrete timeline so she knuckled down and wrote the book. Could you make a deal with your husband? Take a look at your finances and see how long you can get by on one income by cutting out holidays, eating out, spending on hobbies etc. Look at getting a basic TV package or getting rid of a second car. Do whatever you need to do so you can get by on one paycheque, leaving cards for emergencies and setting a small sum aside every month.

Present it to him. "This is what I'm willing to do, for a limited time, to support you in writing your novel."

With a bit of luck he'll get a bit of a bit of a land from seeing the sacrifices his family are going to have to make so he can live the dream.

If he jacks in this job, he'll never again get am employer as supporting and understanding.

Please encourage him not to burn his bridges there.

Reading back on your post you say he’s paying the credit card bill directly out of a joint account (which I assume is for shared bills). This is pretty outrageous behaviour in my opinion and dare I say it, sneaky.

Has he any income source? Unlikely he qualifies for social welfare and doesn’t sound like he has any redundancy or lump sum. It is very hard for him having cancer and the treatment and all that goes with it but he’s taking the piss with you financially

We think very alike, came on to post the exact same.

This guy is having a laugh and deserves a kick up the backside for me. OP are you saying he has his own CC a/c that he pays out of his own savings but then replenishes those savings from your wages each month? So he's not actually at a loss? He can't be that worried about his future health and living each day if he's more interested about maintaining his savings.

Sounds to me like he's always entertained the idea of being a kept man ('we're grand, you earn a big wage') and the health scare is being used as the perfect excuse for him to do eff all now. As Yellowlead says, this could be for a lifetime.

Look back, was he more interested in the side hustle as a way to make money rather than the humdrum 9-5? Don't be a doormat here, his company has bent over backwards for him too and he's giving you both two fingers.