Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Feeling like a psycho

Options
124

Comments

  • Options
    #92
    standardg60
    Registered Users Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭standardg60


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121381450#Comment_121381450

    Why are you badgering the OP, you weren't asked those questions.

    The OP is happy with their outcome, why not just wish them well?



  • Options
    #93
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 3,018 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382199#Comment_121382199

    Who are you, a mod?

    I do wish the OP well, but unless she is very careful, she is on a very straight path to messing it all up.

    No one likes a controlling partner, and she needs to avoid becoming one.



  • Options
    #94
    standardg60
    Registered Users Posts: 4,753 ✭✭✭standardg60


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382220#Comment_121382220

    There's a big difference between advising the OP of being aware of that and accusing them of it, which you seem to be intent on.



  • Options
    #95
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 3,018 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382691#Comment_121382691

    Why don't you stick to the mod instruction above of advising the OP in your posts, instead of policing other posters comments?

    Funny, you don't seem to be bothered by any of the comments from other posters who are hell bent on trying to undermine the OP's confidence in her partner.

    OP, by your own posts the texting stopped over a month ago, now. It's time to move on.



  • Options
    #96
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,082 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    @Ezeoul and @standardg60 that's enough. Bickering between you both offers nothing to the OP.

    HS



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #97
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382743#Comment_121382743

    Yeah I've just started to ignore your posts because you are overly aggressive imo and seem to be deliberately ignoring my valid points. I also thought that maybe the neediness of your ex was more based on his instincts that there was something amiss in your relationship and that's what your ex was picking up on. Maybe that's where their insecurity was coming from? Just a thought 🤔



  • Options
    #98
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382199#Comment_121382199

    Projection me thinks



  • Options
    #99
    Escapees
    Registered Users Posts: 617 ✭✭✭Escapees


    Unusual but great to see an OP on this forum with the self esteem to call out and stand up to 'unhelpful' posters!



  • Options
    #100
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 3,018 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121382897#Comment_121382897

    That's fine, good luck.

    I shared my experience of being the innocent party in a relationship with a jealous, controlling ex which you now want to throw back in my face, to make yourself feel better. That says a lot about you.

    But whatever. It's no skin off my nose whether you break up, or stay together, I don't know you.

    This forum is known for hysterical overreactions and people being advised to break up their relationships for the slightest reason. You're free to follow the advice of those who are hellbent on convincing you not to trust your partner, and that he is a cheat, if you wish. I give you a year.

    I do feel sorry for your partner, who has actually done nothing wrong.

    That's the last piece of advice I'll offer you.



  • Options
    #101
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383017#Comment_121383017

    Yeah thanks, I'd appreciate it if you stopped jumping on and aggressively comparing me to your jealous controlling ex. You're projecting and you still seem very angry, maybe you should talk to someone about it, I'm not being facetious. Initially I appreciated your advice, and I'm well aware how unfounded accusations can cause resentment, but you missed my point entirely and turned my post into somewhere you could vent about your experience. Anyway good luck to you 👍



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #102
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 3,018 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    I don't think you understand what "projecting" actually is - it's what all those posters who are telling you how because they were cheating / cheated on, your husband is definitely cheating on you too. Not me giving you an insight into what it's like to be accused in the wrong, which I mentioned once briefly, for context only, hardly venting. Take your own advice and talk to someone, I don't need too, thanks.

    We're done here.



  • Options
    #103
    Mellor
    Registered Users Posts: 39,376 ✭✭✭✭Mellor


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058320937/feeling-like-a-psycho

    You seem to have a hang up on the fact that a he is friends with a female colleague. The fact he was doing this openly suggests he wasn't sneaking about. If people are cheating, they'll try to be a bit more secretive.

    At this point I did say she was unprofessional and crossing a boundary & I am not amused. He waves it off airily

    Why do you think it's unprofessional? It was not a professional interaction. If it was a male colleague that called him, would you have a issue? Think about that.

    I can absolutely tell you that NOTHING about their work warranted a text at that time.

    Are work friends only allowed to contact each other about work. That's a bit weird.

    I have noticed that his phone is now stuck up his arse & he's changed access from a pin to his face.

    What phone does he have? I'd be surprise it he was able to disable the pin. Spying on his phone is pretty **** behaviour.

    Few weeks later I overheard him on the phone to another colleague discussing this other woman and somehow he knows her work routine, i.e. what she does before she comes to work.

    I work with 2 other senior managers. I know the female gets up early runs on the beach before work and it in bed early. The guy goes to spin after work. He's more of a night owl, we'll often grab drinks after work. Knowing that is all very normal.

    He may be cheating. I've no idea. But people telling you he is doing something wrong because he (openly) has a female work friend are stuck in 1920s. There is nothing inherently wrong with that - if people think a male/female relationship can only be sexual, are saying more about themselves than any other else. Do you have any male friends?

    Just be careful. I know you can't help your gut feeling. (to the person who said a gut feeling is rarely wrong, lmfao). But accusing somebody of cheating is pretty serious. That kind of distrust and disrespect is a pretty good way to push somebody away for good.



  • Options
    #104
    Escapees
    Registered Users Posts: 617 ✭✭✭Escapees


    Personally I feel the OP is in a much better place now after taking onboard some of the advice offered and dealing with their situation. I'm therefore puzzled somewhat as to why new contributors seem to getting involved at this point and muddying the waters. I'm really not sure it's helpful to the OP...



  • Options
    #105
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 3,000 ✭✭✭skallywag


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121381376#Comment_121381376

    Yes, I am in a long term relationship. No, she is not bothered about it at all, but I have never been in any way 'secretive' about it I suppose. She has been to my place a few times too, so they would be somewhat familiar with each other, perhaps this also removes any suspicion, etc.



  • Options
    #106
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383494#Comment_121383494

    I have an issue with a female texting my husband at 12.30 am on a Friday night/ Saturday morning. I think anyone normal would, I know if I received a text at that time he would not be amused. Anyway the issue is resolved now thank 😊



  • Options
    #107
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383571#Comment_121383571

    It's really not 🤣



  • Options
    #108
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383929#Comment_121383929

    Yes of course, you'd know more about my relationship than I do 🙄🤣

    If it's not an issue for your partner then that's what works for you, having boundaries that we each respect works well for us. Neither of us appreciate unsolicited texts in the middle of the night no matter who they're from.

    Thanks for your input



  • Options
    #109
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,082 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Thread closed at OP's request. Thanks to all who took the time to offer advice.

    As discussed OP, if you want the thread reopened for further advice just let one of the PI mods know and we can do it for you.

    All the best

    HS



  • Options
    #110
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,082 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Thread reopened at OPs request.



  • Options
    #111
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    It's not great tbh, now she's sending him disappearing photos. When we're away on hols, telling him " they" miss him. Long and very ugly story, he's still denying that there's anything going on. He's still insisting that they're not having much contact (after the row) but yet during a previous argument he told me does be on teams with her after everyone else has gone. I'm not sure what is worse, the gaslighting or the utter disregard for my feelings. There's more to it than that, but I'm too exhausted at the moment to type it all up straight. No sleep and crying all the time will do that to you



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #112
    Escapees
    Registered Users Posts: 617 ✭✭✭Escapees


    My gut feeling on things is just to simply trust your own gut feeling on what to do and go with that. You don't come across as someone who's not in touch with reality or your feelings etc.



  • Options
    #113
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,071 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I think it's ultimatum time. There might well be nothing going on, although I highly doubt it. But he should respect you and your relationship enough to put boundaries in place with her.

    You are also entitled to put your own boundaries in place. You can tell him what you are willing to tolerate, or not in your relationship. That then gives him the chance to agree to your boundaries, or not.

    But you can't pretend to be fine with something that you're not. And if it's something that is really upsetting you it's up to him to reassure you (with evidence!) or to stop having an inappropriate relationship with her. If he won't give up his relationship with her, preferring instead to continuously hurt your feelings then you really need to look at where you stand in the relationship, and if you're happy to remain in that position.



  • Options
    #114
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,880 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Whether there is something going on or not - I don’t think there are many partners who would accept what you are accepting and many who think they’d get away with what he is. An emotional affair can be worse than just sex. There’s no point yet again believing what he says and hoping he will change, he won’t and he’s taking you for granted.



  • Options
    #115
    cherrytree123
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭cherrytree123


    OP, don't make any rash decisions. She's sending him disappearing photos. Talk to him about it, I'm sure it will all be clarified. Remember, he's the only man your daughter trusts, do you really want to risk your daughter loosing this trustable man?



  • Options
    #116
    Squatman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,613 ✭✭✭Squatman


    thoroughly disappointing. it had seemed like a genuine enough situation, which now due to prolonged and underhanded behaviour it make the whole situation seem sinister



  • Options
    #117
    tea and coffee
    Registered Users Posts: 1,835 ✭✭✭tea and coffee


    Irrespective of whether something is going on or not, the fact that he is putting his (and her ) feelings above yours in this situation consistently, despite conversations and assurances that he won't do that is a real issue.

    And then of course you would have to question why he is doing that, even though you said it's hurting you.



  • Options
    #118
    Esho
    Registered Users Posts: 676 ✭✭✭Esho


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121325433#Comment_121325433

    Yes, for me this out of hours stuff is not appropriate and is crossing a boundary.

    I agree with you. Just because he doesnt consider any playing away on the cards, doesn't mean she does at some point.



  • Options
    #119
    cherrytree123
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭cherrytree123


    agree with all posts here. you should really question again why he's doing it. ask him again about it, listen what his explanations are and then most probably give him another chance.



  • Options
    #120
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,082 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    But he should respect you and your relationship enough to put boundaries in place with her.

    This is exactly the crux OP. You've broached the subject with him 5 months ago and in those 5 months not only has he not attempted to create boundaries, but he's actually acting more covertly than before.

    It's time for you to be clear about what your boundaries are, because it seems he doesn't have any when it comes to this situation.



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #121
    carsynogenic
    Registered Users Posts: 61 ✭✭carsynogenic


    Had a meltdown yesterday, I'm just exhausted from it, constantly on my mind. Waking up in the middle of the night thinking and fretting about it. I saw the message she sent, I was the one that opened it. When I saw that it was a disappearing message I nearly got sick, as it turns out it wasn't a nude, just a pic of where she was with the message "we miss you". I lost the plot because I thought they had their chats on disappearing messages. Yes I will admit I don't know enough about Whatsapp. A huge row ensued when I asked him why he thinks she's so comfortable sending him disappearing photos and why she was texting him at all when we were on holidays. It's because he's not putting down the boundaries. He asked me what I wanted him to say to her, I specifically said ' ask her why she is sending you disappearing messages' so he asked her "what did you send it disappeared before I saw it". Not the same thing. At. All. She sent him back a totally different picture of her & 2 colleagues with "ah just trying to make you jealous, out here with these 2 headcases.

    Long story short we had a huge row and I told him that I won't live with this mental torture. It would be easier for me to cut ties with him and get on with my life. I won't have to worry then what she's texting or what time, it's no longer any of my business. I think he got a fright when he realised where my head was. He's been making valiant efforts to reassure me that it's me he loves and he doesn't want to do anything to fucx it up. He's also promised that the next time she texts on a personal level he will respond with " this has nothing to do with work, please stop texting me outside of work" or something along those lines. We'll do it together. His words. I've 2 choices that I can see, either I put my faith in him and trust that he finally got the point or I pull the trigger on my relationship of nearly 20 yrs. If anyone has a 3rd option I'd be happy to hear that

    Thanks guys



Advertisement