Partner not going back to work - am I being unfair??

Murt10 · 15-11-2023 12:29am

You're not being unfair. He is being unreasonable.

Living on credit cards is unsustainable. The interest rates they charge are extortionate and you're barely keeping your head above water. What happens when a big expected or unexpected expense comes in.

I'd be sitting him down and having a talk about finances. I'd also separate them and not let him dip into yours as and when he wants,

As he has no income himself, except for his side hustle, let him use up all his own money and not allow him to use you to finance his lifestyle.

marilynrr · 15-11-2023 2:21am

He pays his credit card bill out of his own account, but puts it back from our joint account when I get paid. Last month it was big again and we're on our cards again now.

Only spotted this. OP your partner is really taking the piss. Interesting how he gets to be so oh breezy about finance concerns but replenishes his own account as soon as you get paid!

ts_editor · 16-11-2023 9:32pm

Don't rely on this novel to solve your problems. First-time authors make NO MONEY. Thousands of books are published every week. Any that actually sell enough to fully support their author are flukes. Even then, it takes years for the royalties to come through.

Half the money in publishing is made by 10% of the (mostly already established) authors and from celebrity bios.

A couple of morning's work per week isn't at all unreasonable to support one's writing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkQx8Z4JAt8

Sunriser78 · 20-11-2023 11:51am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121369909#Comment_121369909

Yes I think this is inconsiderate

Sunriser78 · 20-11-2023 11:56am

Thanks everyone.

I talked to my partner about my concerns.

He said he's not going back to work, ad it'll take the energy he's putting into staying well and cancer free. I do get this. They love him at work because he gives 110%.

He also said I'm being dramatic. I don't think so. We just need to budget and I'm sick of the insecurity.

I've decided to get paid into the account that I use to pay the bills, split what's left after by week, and put that in to our current account every week. If anything big needs to be bought, it can come out of anything left. If nothing is left then we'll need to do without.

20-11-2023 12:12pm

I can so easily understand the mentality of spending as if there were no tomorrow when you are bluntly faced with your mortality /declining health. But this affects your family, and needs to be discussed, maybe frame it in a way that you BOTH need to budget so as to protect each other.

XsApollo · 20-11-2023 12:19pm

Is he on illness benefit for being out sick?

also I dunno your salaries or how ye manage your tax , but in case you haven’t/ or don’t do already , then you should maximise your take home pay by taking his credits and increase your own rate band.

RurtBeynolds · 20-11-2023 12:22pm

The balls on this fella.

OP he's told you straight to your face he's not going to work again. Are really prepared to live paycheck to paycheck to support this guy because he's not arsed working?

Yes, he was sick. But now he's not, so it's time to go back to being a grown up, and that includes working to pay the bills. That does NOT mean expecting your partner to pay your way for the rest of your life.

road_high · 20-11-2023 12:30pm

Well done for bringing it up-not easy to do.

I think this is going to be a major problem then. He’s already diving into shared bill money to cover his own living expenses. That’s a huge problem as it’s very dishonest. He effectively has no income and expects you to support him. Is he doing all the house work etc at least as a return?

I love these people that shut down debate or criticism by calling you over dramatic or emotional- classic deflection.

I think you should take full control of your money and not allow him any access to it. Harsh but realistic

road_high · 20-11-2023 12:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121391007#Comment_121391007

I’d imagine he wouldn’t qualify for that as I think partner’s salary is taken into consideration?

XsApollo · 20-11-2023 1:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121391075#Comment_121391075

I don’t think partners salary is taken into consideration, I could be wrong mind.

road_high · 20-11-2023 1:27pm

Lots of info here

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/disability-and-illness/disability-benefit/

there’s also Partial Illness benefit which I’ve never heard of.

By the sounds of the husband he’ll probably go off on one again if brought up but fcuk him. The guy is in cloud cuckoo land

20-11-2023 3:38pm

He is being so incredibly selfish. I understand it must be so scary dealing with an illness like that and living scan to scan but he can focus on being well and working. He doesn't have to give 110% to work, that's his problem. Im sure if his job is so understanding that 70% is enough.

Now the real issue is hes taking for granted that you will always be well and stable in your job. What if something awful happened and you ended up out of work and needing time to recover. How is he figuring that is going to work out?

I think you need a much bigger conversation with him.

20-11-2023 4:21pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121391015#Comment_121391015

I think is is very much still sick, you are not in the full if your health with stage 4 cancer, between the disease and the treatment.

However he does need to be considerate of his partner’s security, that is absolutely part of his responsibility.

Ezeoul · 20-11-2023 4:27pm

No contribution to joint funds = no access to joint funds.

And certainly no more of him freely topping up his account from yours, or spending at will.

Hopefully your credit cards are not joint?

You need to separate your finances and take control.

HazeDoll · 20-11-2023 8:17pm

Is there a chance this is a temporary madness that will pass? He is obviously somebody who used to take pride in his work, will he adjust to not having that outlet for his talents and energies? I have been briefly unemployed, at a time when I had no clear plan to sort myself out. The finances didn't worry me that much because I had no responsibilities but I absolutely HATED having to tell people that I had no job, I had finished my education, I had no concrete 'next step' in mind. It stung my pride, every time. I would imagine that soon enough your husband will become sensitive to people's enquiries like I did. His family will surely raise eyebrows when they realise he has decided not to contribute to his children's financial security. That sort of subtle pressure might nudge him towards reconsidering his position.

Obviously I don't know anything about his personality but plenty of people meet opposition with increased resistance. Is it possible that the more you pressure him the deeper he will dig in?

I commented earlier in the thread that you could make a realistic budget and present it to him in terms of the adjustments you are willing to make to support him. I still think that might be the way to go. Figure out your non-discretionary spending (mortgage, car, bills...), decide what you won't compromise on (saving for the kids' college fund, health insurance, pets...) and look at how much is left over as discretionary spending.

Where will you need to compromise to save money? Hobbies, holidays, entertainment, second car... these all need to be on the table. He needs to understand that you are prioritising your family's financial security over all the little luxuries he might have grown accustomed to.

I think he needs to arrive at the obvious conclusion on his own, in his own time. You need to make sure the gets there eventually.

Would I be right in saying that you don't believe the novel will ever be written?

road_high · 20-11-2023 8:45pm

I don’t think the subtle approach is going to work here-he’s already admitted as much and says he’s happy enough to continue as is because “life’s too short and his wife earns enough to support them”. The guy is in cloud cuckoo land and the op had been incredibly understanding, loving and supportive. I’m struggling to see what she had gotten in return apart from her wages being raided monthly

Sunriser78 · 21-11-2023 11:46am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121392293#Comment_121392293

Yes, he is healthy and well but he is still stage 4.

Sunriser78 · 21-11-2023 11:53am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121393258#Comment_121393258

Thanks. I've said that there'll be no holidays and he said he'd pay for it out of his money. But that won't include spending money, and he just doesn't understand that spending in the holiday is up to half of that again. But what about next year and the year after?

If he'd only get it into his head that less money means a change in how we live, I wouldnt have a problem. Who knows how long he has left - best case is another 15 years, worst is it all goes after the next scan.

Sunriser78 · 21-11-2023 11:53am

Thanks everyone.

I really, really appreciate your thoughts.

Dial Hard · 21-11-2023 12:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121395163#Comment_121395163

His money??? What money is that?

standardg60 · 21-11-2023 12:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121395222#Comment_121395222

'his own money' that he just happens to replenish from the op's wages each month.

OP you really need to stop adding money to the joint account and put you and your kids first here, he seems to have devolved himself of any financial responsibility towards his family, it's all about him so leave him to his own money until he cops on.

Ezeoul · 21-11-2023 12:41pm

What have his doctors' said about him going back to work part-time?

There is also a scheme for this - Partial Capacity Benefit - that he may be entitled to.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social-welfare/social-welfare-payments/disability-and-illness/partial-capacity-benefit/#:~:text=Partial%20Capacity%20Benefit%20is%20a,of%20Social%20Protection%20(DSP).

road_high · 21-11-2023 1:33pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121395163#Comment_121395163

But what is the “his money”? It appears he has no actual source of income other than you?

Sunny Dayz · 21-11-2023 1:56pm

It seems to me (and I could be wrong) but you don't seem to have sat down and had a proper over and back discussion about things. It seems more like he has made the decisions rather than discuss it with you. You two are a partnership and these big decisions need to be joint ones.

My husband has had a couple of spells over unemployment over the last few years. He was let go during the pandemic and while he was (and is) in good health he does have an underlying condition which places him in a higher risk health category. He aired his concerns with me about going back out into the workforce while the pandemic was ongoing, it also didn't help that there wasn't many jobs available for what he was qualified in and would possibly need to look at a new industry or career. But we sat down together, went through the sums and figured out things. It gave us both some breathing room and took a little pressure off us both by the fact that we had discussed it. Being the sole earner in a household is not easy, a lot depends on your paycheck coming through every week/month. But my husband being at home for a number of months was a joint decision and one that was regularly reviewed.

Tork · 21-11-2023 7:05pm

Is there any reason why you keep referring to your husband as "partner" rather than "husband"? To me, partner implies a person you're with but have not married. Is this your way of trying to keep things somewhat separate? That includes "his money" as alluded to on this thread.

Regardless, you need to go back to him and have a proper chat about your finances going forward. I don't think he's hearing you properly and is either burying his head in the sand or is being a dick. You know him, we don't. Which is it?

Sunriser78 · 22-11-2023 11:31am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121395692#Comment_121395692

Thank you. That sounds ideal.

I put everything that we need to pay and budget for every month on a spreadsheet and brought him through it.

I pointed out that it did not include a holiday, socialising, birthday presents etc, and this would have to come out of what's left of my pay, which is not a whole lot. He listened but I don't think it went in, as he says I'm always worrying about money.

Thanks to all your replies, I see now why Ive been worried, and with good reason. If it's down to me to pay for everything, then it's down to me to budget so that everything can be paid for.

notAMember · 22-11-2023 1:31pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121390920#Comment_121390920

Good on your for having the discussion, but I think you are drifting off further here. Your finances are too complex already, and you're both still really absorbed in the day to day. In your situation, I would try to be as pragmatic as possible and switch to long term thinking. I know it's tough, but it looks like he isn't able to face it, so it's up to you.

Switch gears now, get him to focus his thinking on planning financially for his end of life. It might be 6 months, it might be 15 years, but being prepared now won't hurt either way. If he won't do it, you need to.

Sorry, this is going to sound morbid... but I've been through this indirectly with family. It's a lot easier to do the practical things in advance than when grieving.

First of all, he should check did he have any critical illness policies from work. If so, Claim now. It takes ages to get the paperwork from doctors that are needed and get claims assessed. If lucky, there may be a lump sum somewhere, or % salary payment .

He also needs to find out what he is covered for at work for death-in-service. Realistically, with his diagnosis, there is no other employment after this one, he won't pass a medical for another job, so he needs to keep that current work relationship going. Do not accept any termination of employment if at all possible. Depending on the size of the company, there can be some payout for death-in-service, depending on whatever cover they have for employees. And it might be based on hours worked the previous year etc, so it makes sense to check into it and find out the entitlements and policies.

Also if you have a mortgage, check the insurance cover on your mortgage. If you have any illness cover, find the documents and claim on those policies, asap. They might pay out a lump sum or the remainder of a mortgage, or a small pension to you now etc based on a stage 4 cancer diagnoses. That might take some pressure off.

Check you own employment policies, sometimes for loss of spouse , or immediate family critical illness, there may be a financial payment available.

Look up any other life assurance policies either of you may have taken out, ever...

Create a savings account for funeral costs, and get wishes written down. Burial Place or cremation, songs, whatever. Get costs. Buy a plot if you need it. Do the planning for both of you.

Think about end of life decisions... as his wife, you will need to make those, find out what he wants.

I'm sorry to advise you to do this, but hope it is useful.

AndrewJRenko · 22-11-2023 1:49pm

What age are yourself and himself and kids? If you're getting close to retirement, then perhaps his approach might make sense. If ye're in your forties with twenty working years to go, I can't see how his approach is viable.

If he doesn't get this from talking, you'll probably have to cut off his source of funds sooner rather than later.

angeleyes · 22-11-2023 4:52pm

OP I know your DH is stage 4 but if he is cleared fit for work he should work. He is just too busy focusing on himself.

I had cancer 2 years ago, even though it was Stage 2, I did have to take 2 months off for surgery, but I wasn't paid when I was off, and my Illness Benefit only kicked in the week I went back to work. I underwent Chemo and Radiation and worked through it as much as I could, and I would have worked through it all but my boss was just horrible so just alone for my mental wellbeing I had to take time off. It still irks me today that after literally coming back to work after a difficult radiation session, my boss turned up at my desk asking me to do a silly errand for her, and I had to tell her I wasn't just able.

If you could put everything down in a spread sheet, even to showing him how much was spent for Christmas, print it out and show him. Black and white on paper might hit home more than words and discussions.

The best of luck to you both.

Partner not going back to work - am I being unfair??

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