Not so many close family members

#1 · 14-11-2023 9:53am #1

Our daughter is getting married next year which we’re all very happy about. They seem suited, make each other happy & have similar views on what sort of future they’re working towards etc.

This may be a bit vague, who knows who’s on Boards but I hope the essence of what I’m saying is apparent.

My concern, and right now it is only mine, is that I am from a small family anyway so there will be me & a first cousin from my side in attendance on the day. That’s all that’s possible so that’s it.

My OH is from a large family. Siblings, parents, aunts & uncles, cousins etc. It is the siblings that I’m bothered by.

Most of them are either dithering about coming or have made it clear that it won’t be possible for them to attend. They have reasons which range from ok to good to a bit dodgy.

Our daughter knows all of this & right now doesn’t seem too bothered. I hope thats the way it stays. She’s planning on making the wedding the best day for the couple themselves & those who do attend which I understand but I feel very hurt on her behalf & on behalf of my OH.

If asked, all the siblings would think they are close & have excellent relationships yet this first wedding of that generation doesn’t seem important enough to manage a few situations or to even try.

Not coming from a large family myself, I suppose I just don’t always get how bigger families work. Maybe there will be no pieces to pick up & I’m just a bit sad that my family is so underrepresented.

Deeec · 14-11-2023 10:15am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058322524/not-so-many-close-family-members

Im not at the kids wedding stage yet but I can sympathise with you. My husbands siblings sound exactly like your OH siblings. They were close growing up, have had no rows or fallouts but have grown quite distant. Two of his siblings never came to any of our kids christenings due to various excuses. We have arranged various get togethers which they promise they will come to and then let us down with excuses of illness, car broke down, money issues etc - all of which are nonsense. The true story is that they cant be bothered and a bit lazy. They treat his other 2 sisters the exact same. They even dont visit their parents very often which is very upsetting. We really try to keep in contact but the reality is they dont seem to really want to. They are pretty much strangers to our kids as they have met them so few times and our kids dont know their cousins well. Its pathetic - it could even also be down to jealousy.

We get very upset about it when we put alot of effort and money into arranging something only to be let down - its usually last minute aswell that they tell us they wont make it. I am at the stage now where I cannot be bothered anymore - I will keep inviting them but know its a waste of time. We wont fall out with them for the sake of his parents.

Yes your inlaws are **** that they cant make the effort. My advice is invite them and expect nothing. You will probably have a much better day without them. I only hope that they are honest with you from the start that they wont attend - nothing worse then someone saying they will go and then not turning up on the day.

14-11-2023 10:26am

I'm more in your daughters arena in that my mothers side are like this. It upsets my mother but I've known what they are like for a long time so it doesn't bother me. I'm sure your daughter sees it the same way so take her lead on what's happening and who's coming to the day and just be supportive of her.

Whereas my dads side are a much smaller family but would move mountains to be at a wedding or big event. My siblings and I are so much more grateful for that regardless of the amount of them.

rowantree18 · 14-11-2023 10:55am

Based on what I hear at work, friends etc., seems a lot of people try to get out of weddings. They're seen as a "bill". They're usually in a location requiring at least an overnight stay, new outfit for women, cash gift etc. Can be 500-1000e depending on where it is.

Hopefully they'll just enjoy the day with those genuinely close to them and not worry about those who aren't going.

maninasia · 14-11-2023 10:57am

Maybe some of them don't have as much money as you think. Just a guess.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-11-2023 11:06am

Your daughter's wedding will be a day for her and her new husband, their immediate families (parents and siblings) and their friends. Aunts and uncles are really just added guests. I'm close to my dad's 2 siblings, and all my cousins on that side. Not so much my mam's. All my cousins on my dad's side were invited to my wedding. None of my cousins on my mam's side were invited.

I think you are feeling the upset of this more than your daughter will. She will be delighted on the day to celebrate with whoever is there. She won't even think about who's not. Large families don't necessarily mean close families.

Your daughter and her partner will have an idea of the number of guests they will invite. These will be made up of family, friends, neighbours, colleagues etc. nobody will be counting up how many from each "side" is there. Enjoy the day.

YellowLead · 14-11-2023 11:29am

You are probably over thinking here a little OP. Many extended relatives are invited to weddings out of politeness or because it’s the done thing and many go for that reason, rather than being invited or going because they are close to the person and the special day should be shared. If I felt I had to invite a bunch of relatives I am not close with, I’d be glad if they made their excuses.

It’s about your daughter, her husband, their friends and any relatives they are very close to - they won’t or shouldn’t worry about additional.

Baybay · 15-11-2023 10:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121366174#Comment_121366174

I completely understand that weddings are frequently seen as nuisances however, these people are family. I’d love to be in a position where i had my own family things for us to support.

Baybay · 15-11-2023 10:46am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121366233#Comment_121366233

Yeah, maybe the siblings thing is a bit of me projecting what I think the point of having them might or could be.

Baybay · 15-11-2023 10:52am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121366348#Comment_121366348

I guess I just never saw the aunts & uncles as extended family, more just family really. I don’t have siblings myself & as these all believe themselves to be close, i suppose I just thought they’d want to be part of the family celebration. As I said, right now I’m the only one who feels a put out so as long as our daughter & my OH aren’t bothered then that’s a good thing.

arrianalexander · 15-11-2023 10:53am

Simple way of looking at this

The people who will attend are the people who want to be there. That's who you want there, forget everyone else .

LambshankRedemption · 15-11-2023 10:59am

Look at it from their point of view. For you it will be you and your first cousin, and I assume this is the first big wedding for you.

If your OH comes from a big family, lets say 5 siblings, each with their own kids who get married or have 21st birthdays, and christenings. That starts to add up both in time and money spent. Also becomes less special.

Im sure on the day, all your daughter will care about is her partner. Not who came and who didn't.

15-11-2023 7:02pm

I am an only child, I would theoretically be in your exact position. I do have a selection of very nice cousins who look out for me, they are all older than me, bar 3. I’m not sure which ones I’d invite to a theoretically wedding of a theoretical child.

Most of my cousins get on very well with each other, and as I am one of the younger ones have a protective approach to me, my father’s much small family get on well with and occasionally contact the ones on my mother’s side, especially if I’m struggling with things. Now which of them would I invite? I’d put it to them all by an email circular, who would be able to come, and that would be the invites! They know my ways of doing stuff. But between the jogs and the reels there’s be a a modest turnout.

It would matter not a jot to me if my child’s spouse’s family were multiplyers 🤣 and if I did have concerns I would certainly try not let my child feel “different” having a small family. I know individuals without any family at all, from lines of single children or just cousins living far side of the planet. Maybe I’d discuss inviting sone added friends or colleagues of my child to help make up numbers a little bit, if that’s what they wanted, especially for family the wedding photos.

But this is from a person who hates weddings, and who would as soon sneak off to a registry office with two strangers for witnesses! I’d have a relaxed post wedding-day party for everyone. A couple of my family have done just that 😁

Hotblack Desiato · 19-11-2023 6:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121366030#Comment_121366030

In fairness baptisms are boring as hell, at least a wedding is a bit of craic!

My wife's parents came from a very big family, she has something like 200 cousins, my family not so much. We invited about 80 people to our wedding, no cousins, just aunts, uncles etc. and the older generation really appreciate that sort of family get together, 20 and 30-somethings can't be bothered! Her family was still over-represented compared to mine but that didn't bother me at all.

OP I think there is little point in feeling hurt or disappointment on behalf of other people, things that you imagine are a problem for others might not bother them at all. Your daughter appears to be on top of things so just let her enjoy her big day and don't worry about little things, if people choose not to go then it's their loss really 😀

HazeDoll · 25-11-2023 10:25am

Family 'fundraiser' invitations from peripheral family are never ever welcome. Weddings, communions, confirmations... anything where the expectation is that you'll hand over money. Everybody watching the door waiting for the first person to leave so they know that can start planning their own escape, desperate for the blessed relief of the road home.

Granted, they might be popular with those who are grateful for an excuse to justify excessive drinking, but those people would be just as willing to attend a stranger's funeral if they thought it would devolve into a pissup.

When I get an invitation from somebody I'm not close to my thought process is as follows:

"Oh, that's nice. I hope they have a lovely day.

But I'm not going, obviously."

We are under no obligation to attend tedious functions in order to make up the numbers or donate to the honeymoon fund.

Squatman · 27-11-2023 9:03am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058322524/not-so-many-close-family-members

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Baybay · 27-11-2023 3:58pm

I think thats the thing, HazeDoll. For me, her aunts & uncles are close family & I would have thought they’d also consider themselves as such. It never occurred to me to consider them as peripheral. Every day is a school day & all that, I’m not sure I’ll ever figure out the intricacies of larger families!

Deeec · 27-11-2023 4:08pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121424770#Comment_121424770

There is nothing odd in your thinking at all - even large families would consider aunts and uncles close family.

Tork · 27-11-2023 7:11pm

A lot depends on the relationship you have with them. I'm very close to a handful of aunts/uncles/cousins then am less close but still quite friendly with others. Then there are some who I've just drifted from over the years and only see the odd time. I have turned down wedding invitations for these cousins I'm not so close to. I know other cousins in the family who've done the same. It isn't personal - it's just that we don't know them well enough to put ourselves through the cost and hassle of going to a wedding.

Not so many close family members

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