My wife is cheating on me

boards_2023 · 30-11-2023 3:31am #1

I've found out that my wife is cheating on me. I'm in complete shock. I can't believe this is happening, I really thought we were happy. She is in her thirties and I am in my forties. We have two young children together. I believe her reason for cheating is down to a lack of sex. We tried to have another child nearly three years ago. She fell pregnant, but it ended in a miscarriage. That was extremely difficult to get over and led to a long time of no intimacy. When we did start having sex again, it felt routine and with no real desire on her part. It's still sporadic. I haven't so much as looked at another woman though. I thought she just wasn't looking for anything more than the same routine. I was still happy and content enough.

The messages I have seen though, indicate to me, that she is far more adventurous and sexually charged than I thought. She is cheating on me with another man, and also appears to be engaging in group sex with him and other women he is also involved with. She told him that she enjoyed watching him with these other women. I felt physically sick when I read these messages, it's like I don't even know her. I had to look through her phone, I had no choice, because I knew something was wrong.

I still feel physically ill, I want to confront her, but don't want to, at the same time. I believe she has strayed because of the lack of sex between us, and I think it can be fixed if I instigate things in the bedroom. But we've been stuck in this rut for so long, what can I do? The problem has definitely been on both sides. My head is all over the place, I can't gather my thoughts, one minute I'm angry and want to confront her and end the marriage, the next minute I'm blaming myself, I tell myself that she's only getting her physical needs satisfied, and that we can work through it. My thinking is, if I can get our sex life back on track, I can get our marriage back. Am I deluding myself?

I haven't said anything to her yet. Has anyone got any advice, please?

bassy · 30-11-2023 3:46am

Leave her on and marriage over..

StudentDad · 30-11-2023 4:44am

This woman is placing your health at risk. I'd get checked for stds. Cease all physical/sexual contact with her. Say nothing as of right now about what you know or think you know. Quietly consult a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and when you know exactly where you stand legally etc., act as you see fit.

Do not beg, plead, bargain etc., knowing why would be nice, but it won't change anything. If she is willing to act in this manner without consulting you in any way. She's gone.

Mr Disco · 30-11-2023 5:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058325062/my-wife-is-cheating-on-me

Have you considered introducing a third party into your relationship to spice things up ? A throuple seems to be what it’s called. Given her interests another woman would be best unless you are willing to explore your bisexualist side

Padre_Pio · 30-11-2023 10:30am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121436013#Comment_121436013

I don't think more adventurous sex would make up for the breach of trust.

Op you need to talk to her. Get the children out of the house for a few hours and have the talk.

GAAcailin · 30-11-2023 10:35am

What is the actual age gap between you too?

Like other poster said , this is complete breach of trust, she must be just looking for more adventure etc.

I would sit her down and ask her why she is doing this; does she really want to sacrifice her marriage and (potentially) kids happiness.

Of my friends that have separated it has a massive impact on the children, although no marriage is better than a bad marriage.

At the moment your wife is having her cake and eating it - needs to stop

YellowLead · 30-11-2023 11:17am

I think the only way to deal with this is to talk to her about it. There’s no way of knowing at the moment whether your marriage can be saved or not. It may well be more than just physical needs being met with the other guy.

Hopefully an honest conversation will ensue between you and you might start with baby steps getting things back to a good place with the intimacy. But that only works if both trust each other and have desire for each other so it won’t be an easy fix.

If you keep this in she will continue and it will eat you up inside. If you still have feelings for her and want to continue the marriage it’s worth a try. Otherwise there won’t be any shame in you wanting to end things, it’s a harsh betrayal after all.

Furze99 · 30-11-2023 11:31am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121435994#Comment_121435994

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121436006#Comment_121436006

Eh... there are two young children involved? They're not like cats & dogs or ipads.

con___manx1 · 30-11-2023 11:56am

It's the most horrible thing to find out that you have been cheated on.

Your gonna have to confront her about it.

Maybe you can save the relationship. Sex is just sex. Maybe she doesn't give a **** about that person .

If you have two kids I'd try at least. It won't be easy to forgive or trust her again. Only time will tell.

On thevother hand If it is a proper love affair tho I'd say end it.

Wanderer78 · 30-11-2023 11:56am

find yourself a therapist quickly, so you can discuss the way forward that works for you and your kids, ask your gp for advice on who, do not take advice from the strangers on the internets.....

...best of luck, this is truly an awful and traumatic experience that requires professional intervention now....

Hoboo · 30-11-2023 12:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121436710#Comment_121436710

Children are never a reason to stay in a toxic relationship, and yes they are like cats and dogs. They are sentient beings with feelings, not some replaceable electrical device. WTF is wrong with you.

Mr Disco · 30-11-2023 12:53pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121436484#Comment_121436484

It would level the playing field if the wife had to sit out and watch for a few sessions.

newmember2 · 30-11-2023 1:20pm

OP I wouldn't read too much into those texts, it's possible she just saw footage of this guy 'in action'. From what you've written, is there confirmation that she's actually met this guy and had sex with him? It could just be a distraction she's caught up in but hasn't actually acted on or possibly has no honest intention of acting on.

StudentDad · 30-11-2023 1:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121436710#Comment_121436710

I agree the children are not inanimate objects. However, this isn't about them.

Assuming that the op has been straight about looking for advice about his wife, who is as far as he knows cheating. I will take him at his word on that.

She has by her actions betrayed her husband, exposed him to possible health problems without his consent and breached one of the usual foundations of the marriage agreement, namely monogamy. Don't get me wrong, I don't care who she sleeps with. However, if she wanted to act in this manner she ought to have consulted with her husband before going ahead and acting the way she has. He may have been fine with it. The point is she didn't give him the option to say either yes or no. As she has gone ahead with the I'll go and do whatever I want option. He's free to consult with a solicitor without telling her, assessing his legal options and acting as he sees fit.

No matter what he chooses to do, it's a horrible position to be in and I hope it works out for the parties involved.

bassy · 30-11-2023 1:46pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121436710#Comment_121436710

Get them on weekends and holidays...........

It's over like,she caught out whoring,once a person does that the will always do it,it's just in them you cannot change them..........

-------

Warning applies for breach if charter. As per the Charter: Reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Personal Issues board the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts.

Accusing the OPs wife of 'whoring' does not meet this standard. The Charter can be found here, please read it before posting in this forum again.

Wanderer78 · 30-11-2023 1:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121437344#Comment_121437344

.....have you professional experience, such as a therapist role to confirm this?

sin_26 · 30-11-2023 1:50pm

If she is cheating on you in contrary to some posts above I say your marriage IS OVER. Its doesnt matter how you try to explain this to yourself. If you're sure she was involved in sexual acts etc. consult solicitor prepare needed paperwork and then meet her and tell her what you know and what's happen next. Remember... No one steps twice in the same river. Get over it and plan for the future of your family (kids). Ive been there and its the best solution.

raclle · 30-11-2023 2:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121437367#Comment_121437367

Ive never heard of something like this happening and they go on to live happily ever after.

She cheated and trust is now broken. No coming back from that.

Larbre34 · 30-11-2023 2:35pm

I find it unlikely that she will give up extramarital sex, as she appears to have gone all-in.

And so the question is, are you satisfied to put up with that, now and for years to come?

If not, you need to confront her with your knowledge of what she's doing, see what she says and plan your next step. If its irretrievable after this, then I'd suggest the free Family Mediation Service to work out an equitable separation and provision for the Children, above all.

sin_26 · 30-11-2023 3:08pm

How does it matter what she says... People cheating are likely to be selfish and narcissistic. Do you think that opinion on the matter gonna change that? For them family is like toy... Sadly this incident is like a scar on the butt. You can cover it so it wont be visible but you will know it's there for ever.

Ziontit · 30-11-2023 10:13pm

Warning applied for breach of charter. What you've suggested is illegal. Post deleted.

Gael23 · 30-11-2023 10:17pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121439796#Comment_121439796

How could the a father position himself as primary carer in this situation

KrustyUCC · 01-12-2023 10:11am

Very tough OP

Your relationship as it was is over

Only you can decide if you can move past this betrayal

Definitely consult a solicitor before confronting her

so you know your options beforehand and your head will be a bit clearaer

Havenowt · 01-12-2023 11:13am

OP... Its entirely up to you. People on here have no emotional involvement so its easy for them to say your marraige is done, get out.

Sit your wife down and have the conversion with her, See what she has to say...

She might hold up her hands and bet for forgiveness...

Are you willing to try couple counselling with her to try and save the marraige?

If ye do try, it will be a long road to recovery but it can be done.

lawred2 · 01-12-2023 12:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121436006#Comment_121436006

I kinda agree but it's idealistic.

The man has two children. And the law here generally favours the mother in many cases regardless of infidelity.

combat14 · 01-12-2023 1:05pm

its 3 weeks to xmas .. should he stay or go?

Definitely don't do anything without consulting with therapist and solicitor

OP will probably be absolutely cream crackered as usual in the courts regardless of any infidelity on her part so OP would want that well figured out....

PI_R_Anon_12345 · 01-12-2023 1:15pm

Hey OP, currently going through something similar, I found out back in April that my (now ex) wife was cheating on me. Things had been tricky for a while, she was away and left an old phone that was still connected to her messaging apps and I was able to read the messages there.

My advice is this: decide for yourself what the betrayal means. Forget about the sex element of it, but think about what it means to you (and to her) for her to stray like she has. In my situation, we had had chats over the years while watching TV/etc, and always had a similar view that cheating like that is game over. If you know that in better times that's what she would think, then face facts that she has taken the step to end things.

If I was you, I would go get some counselling and figure out what you think and believe. If you think this is just a fling on her part and you can move past it, then work on that. If you can't, so be it - work on that.

I would also speak with a solicitor. I would absolutely not do anything silly like move/hide money - that'll just come back to bite you later anyway. Figure out an exit strategy - does it involve you staying where you are and her leaving or vice-versa?

As much as it hurts, if you do decide to leave - remember that for whatever she has done, she is still the parent of your children so you will need to keep a relationship and communication open. But do not stay put for the sake of the children, they won't thank you for it anyway.

With the time of the year, I would be advising anyone I know to try and get your ducks in a row in the next few weeks and if you can get through Christmas - do. But don't suffer on needlessly - if you need to end it now, end it now.

I really hope it works out for you. Like I said, I've been going through exact same since April. It does get easier, but it still absolutely sucks.

Goodigal · 01-12-2023 1:52pm

Have the conversation with her first about what you have discovered. See what she has to say for herself.

Seek out a counselling service or therapist for yourself first. Try to process all the madness that's in your head. It hurts like hell and you'll never get the answers you're looking for plus you'll almost never trust anything she says again. So see how you feel after talking it out with a professional.

Re: solicitors and moving money etc, it's a no fault divorce in this country and everything you own jointly is in the same pot as far as the courts are concerned. That's a long way down the road right now. Getting through each day is where you need to start right now. I wish you luck with it all. Look after yourself first and foremost.

StudentDad · 01-12-2023 2:05pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121441597#Comment_121441597

Idealistic? I don't see how. The wife is putting his health at risk with her behaviour. She clearly doesn't think much of her husband or the promises she made with regards to fidelity etc.

Stopping physical intimacy and getting std tests and legal advice are practical first steps. Then he'll be in a better position to make a decision. As regards the other factors, unfortunately, when people act selfishly, with little regard for others. They suffer.

lawred2 · 01-12-2023 11:04pm

Idealistic to assume someone in the throes of what he's going through will be clinical in thought and deed.

His life as he knows it is over. It's not like there's a checklist to work off.

Packrat · 11-12-2023 2:07pm

Sorry to hear OP. You must be devastated.

Like many other posters, I've never known or heard of a case like this where they reconciled and she behaved respectfully after. It just happens again.

Unfortunately I think that's it and no amount of heart to hearts with someone who will just lie further and tell you anything to stop or mitigate the consequences if what they've done will help.

It's done and can't be undone.

On the subject of moving money around, be clear that moving it between accounts no matter whose name they are in won't help.

If there's a significant cash balance that you believe to be rightfully yours that she might attempt to annex then withdraw it in cash and either hide it well or give it to a trustable family member to keep for you. You could have blown it at the bookies after that for all anyone can prove later.

Establish your position re job, mortgage, home, pensions and any investments.

Then confront her and ask what her plan for the end of your marriage is. She probably doesnt have one as she is probably just living in the moment and being greedy. Have a plan yourself.

Make it quite clear that this isn't something you are prepared to forgive and forget.

Don't under any circumstances move out even temporarily.

Good luck, - you've a tough year coming.

cj maxx · 12-12-2023 3:00am

Check your monies , close and get records of any joint accounts to had .

My wife is cheating on me

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