online dating

Well “dress”…

Yeah I put that into so many posts on so many topics. That you should be wary of anyone who has a blanket "fix" or advice for anything. The "If you do this you will turn your life around" or "Eat this diet and you will have more energy and focus" or or or. There is no magic formula.

Worse if you become convinced that something will help you and it does not help you - you can end up thinking that therefore there must be something wrong with YOU. That you are just beyond help or flawed or broken.

Humanity is too diverse for that nonsense. There are many paths to the same goal. Each has to find their own one(s). Like with diet. I tried so many in the past. High Carb Low Fat. Low Carb High Fat. All vegan. All veggie. All meat. You name it. All espoused by people who swore it was "The way".

In the end I found the one that worked for me that sent my energy and focus and strengths through the roof. And it was simply to eat the absolute highest variety of all things possible. As soon as I eat something I try not to have that same thing again for as long as I can. I occasionally go "all meat" for a few weeks for other reasons but generally I am on this rainbow of diversity.

So generally advice on topics should be taken as things to try rather than things that absolutely will work. Because quite often they won't.

Stupidity feels a little too easy a blame for me. I dunno.

Like the type I mentioned earlier telling a room full of married people below height X that you can not get a woman if you are below height X - I think people just get locked into their ideas and never really see the ideas tested. And confirmation bias and pattern recognition even when no pattern actually exist are very human flaws.

The deeper one Navel Gazes the less likely one is to look up - look around - and see the ideas they have simply are not mapping onto the actual reality around them. On the face of it that might look like low intelligence at work. But even the most intelligent people can fall prey to that. Confirmation Bias for example has been studied and sometimes found to be higher in the more intelligent people, not lower.

Humans look for easy binary explanations and labels for complex things. So if something complex in life is not working for you - like finding a romantic partner or getting the career break they want - it is very easy to find some variable (often one we are powerless over) and simply say it must be because of that.

If only I had a car everything would be fine and women would love me. If only I had more money I'd be dateable. If only I was above this arbitrary height threshold. Falling for that stuff creates careers for the Andrew Tates and the David Meessens and the Jordan Petersons it seems sometimes. Because some of the things those people say will genuinely help a lot of people in those self made ruts.

Feck on off with yourself lol

Already told E that 2024 is a leap year x

Leap year?

.... on 29th February.

Throw Jeqa a bone, FFS - he's probably sh1tting himself thinking it could come any day next year! 👰

But there is a lot of uncontrolled variables that really do heavily influence attraction.

Can't blame someone who is objectively ugly or short or bald and has experienced rejection based on that being in the mindset that the uncontrolled variable is a big part of the reason they aren't where they want to be or don't have what they want. It's because it probably is.

From a mans point of view women generally want taller men who are more attractive more perceptually superior men to what they consider themselves to be. It just is how it is. If you aren't playing in the league of being a moderately attractive and well put together man your life is significantly harder.

There are of course exceptions to everything, but if you're at a real tangible disadvantage getting beyond it can be more of a task than simply just getting on with it.

You could say the same the other way around - if you’re not a physically super hot woman you are screwed etc. But that’s not how it is in reality - most people are average at the end of the day and aren’t fabulously wealthy or insanely good looking and they find partners. Just because the good looking / rich might have a starting gate advantage doesn’t mean the general population are screwed. You do need to have a positive and interesting personality - without that you are indeed screwed if not wealthy or hot. But that can be cultivate for free :)

And this os why I’m dating 50 somethings :)

I think unrealistic expectations can be at play also. Eg if you are poor and fat then you’re kind of looking at dating poor and fat - but people don’t want to, even though it’s how they are themselves.

Im sure that sounds like a horrible thing to say, and I’m not being totally serious - but we all know there is a grain of truth there.

I am not sure I said how paired off I think the entire population is. I think you might have misread me. But what I am saying is that I have not heard a single attribute someone is saying is a deal breaker and means they will be single forever - where the country is not populated all over the place by people with exactly that attribute who are paired off. But somehow they never seem to notice that.

That there is a lot of single people still, is a different thing and a different conversation. There will always be a lot of single people I think, for many reasons. All I was commenting on is that some of the reasons people give to explain their being long term single, seem not to map onto reality in ANY way at all.

I think there is a lot of reasons why people are single. I just have not seen all that many cases where the explanations for it people have for themselves seem true.

Take my friend who I mentioned a few times above. He always had some one liner he was convinced was the reason he was forever single. Absolutely convinced. When I actually took him speed dating however I saw how defeated he was the moment he started talking to a girl. Like he was giving up and accepting defeat before conversation even began. And he was head down and arms crossed in an almost defensive position. And most of all he was not engaged in the conversation all that much. Like the other person was almost not there.

He did not have any kind of connection. He got ZERO hits from the Speed Dating. No follow ups.

When I explained all this to him after the Speed Dating Event he did not believe a word of it. He was convinced "Too short - women will never like me". Nothing I said could convince him that what I was seeing as his problems were VERY different to what he thought it was.

So I set him up on a blind date with a friend of mine who he never met. She was not single but we did not tell him that. During the date she went to the toilet and came back. Only SHE did not come back. Her sister did. Different height. Different hair. Different voice. Moderately different clothing. He did not even notice. After 20 minutes of this me and the original sister came out and sat down and explained what had happened and he finally had this "Ah-ha" moment that everything I was telling him was true.

So we worked on it in a few ways. Nothing interesting enough to go into here but I showed him some of my NLP/Illusion/Mentalism stuff and some random character work and so forth. Did speed dating again. And he got more hits/follow ups that misses. The majority of the women he did the speed date with wanted to follow up. He is paired off now with one of them.

But his dedication to the beliefnotion it was all just his height was almost religious in it's fervor. Despite living in a country heavily populated by people the same height happily paired off. He simply could not see what was ACTUALLY going wrong for him. And it took a massive shock to the system to break him out of it. It's not often you get to see actual revelation in real time on another persons face.

Got my a "Best Man" nomination for the wedding at least :)

Hooking up is not the same as getting a boyfriend

It’s so easily done by mistake… and irreversible unfortunately.

Not sure what the preferred etiquette is TBH. A message saying I swiped on you by mistake ? No one wants that either.

A quick unmatch is the lesser of two evils.