"Friend" with mental health issues

Throwaway4Privacy · 01-12-2023 10:28pm #1

Throwaway account... Sensitive issue. I'm not sure if it's allowed here but it's really been on my mind since my friend brought it up.

Earlier this year I (32) met "Sam" (30) on a friends night out (a couple of hours from my home, I was visiting for the weekend). They're a friend of a friend. We really hit it off (not romantically) and ended up being the last ones out. We ended up in a late night coffee shop, drinking coffee and sharing life stories. They told me about their mental health issues and traumas. It was heavy stuff.

We swapped numbers and headed home around 2am. We messaged a bit the next day before I headed home and over the following weeks. All was fine until one day I must have had hundreds of messages, I was at work and had a really heavy day so I couldn't answer all of them, or any of them fast enough for Sam. As the day went on the messages started getting aggressive and abusive so I told them I was done. I got some more abuse but they eventually left me alone.

A few days later they reached out with a bs excuse as to why they reacted that way. I know from my friends this wasn't the case so I told them that there was no going back. They didn't reply. I didn't block them, we're still connected on Instagram and have each others' numbers. I just stopped engaging, they only sent one message after that and I don't l didn't reply.

Yesterday I got a message from my friends to let me know that Sam had attempted to take their own life the night before. Thankfully their housemate needed to borrow something from them and walked in, saw all the pills and called 999. They're now safely in a psychiatric unit and will be for a while. It turns out they stopped their meds after a relationship break up a few weeks ago so the doctors want to get them on a new regime.

My friends know what happened with Sam and asked if I felt guilty for not being there for them. I don't. They're Sam's friends, I'm just an acquaintance who chatted with them for a bit. I don't feel responsible, should I?

Note: this happened on the island of Ireland, we all know how poor mental health services are North and South.

Yakov P. Golyadkin · 01-12-2023 10:30pm

No, you absolutely shouldn't feel responsible, and your friends should be ashamed of themselves for suggesting it.

Chiarrai92 · 01-12-2023 10:35pm

Nope. You shouldn't feel any guilt at all, and I think you learned alot about your and Sam's mutual friend

01-12-2023 11:17pm

“My friends know what happened with Sam and asked if I felt guilty for not being there for them. “

you need new friends after that suggestion, what an a55hole thing to suggest.

My guess is these friends were happy you took on their friend and now that you stepped back they are angry as they probably have to do step back info supporting their sick friend themselves

Purple Mountain · 01-12-2023 11:21pm

Don't even entertain these thoughts with anymore of your time.

bucketybuck · 02-12-2023 12:02am

Guilty for not being there for somebody you literally met just the one time, earlier this year?

Seriously?

.Donegal. · 02-12-2023 2:37am

Just block all of them and move on. The whole pill thing could have been orchestrated as well, a cry for help with no intention of taking of them just making it look like that. Doses galore.

riddles · 02-12-2023 4:49am

They need signicant professional medical support and this won’t come from you. Block and move on.

Throwaway4Privacy · 02-12-2023 12:07pm

Thanks everyone. I knew I wasn't in the wrong here but doubted myself as I'm not the most confident person. That might be why I clicked with Sam in the first place.

Sam did take some pills but I don't know what they were. They were unconscious when they were found.

It's sad that Sam saw no other way out but this almost felt like a when, not an if. They are one of those people you just feel won't be around for long, no matter what help they get.

Hotblack Desiato · 02-12-2023 12:14pm

Ditch those "friends" for sure.

Tork · 02-12-2023 3:34pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121444344#Comment_121444344

This was one of my first thoughts too. They're being very unfair here. If you wanted to start throwing blame around, you could easily fire accusations back in their direction. Why didn't anybody who knew Sam in real life notice that they were in a downward spiral? They know Sam far better than you do. All you are is somebody who was nice to their friend for a few hours one night.

It's a blessing in disguise that you were so busy on that day the barrage of messages came in. All that would've done was encouraged Sam and sucked you into a world of problems that have nothing to do with you. There's every chance that overdose would've happened anyway, with or without you being involved. Whether by accident or design, you've saved yourself a world of grief here.

Realistically, none of you (the friends, the housemates, family members, you) can help Sam properly. You're all just regular people who don't have the training or the expertise to help a person with these mental health challenges. Hopefully, Sam's overdose hasn't done any permanent damage to them, and that this cry for help will give them the help they need. Somebody who's going to be spending some time in a psychiatric unit needs a lot of professional help. It isn't fair on any of you. I'm not saying people shouldn't support their friends but there's a difference between being a shoulder to cry on, and a substitute for a mental health professional.

amdublin · 05-12-2023 8:28pm

Oh my gosh, no, there is nothing you (a random just met acquaintance) could have done to "be there" for Sam. Full Stop. No. One could argue it was them who should have been there more for Sam. But let's not go there.

I hope Sam gets the help and supports he needs from the medical community and people who actually know him longer than one night

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 05-12-2023 8:58pm

A lot of people saying 'ditch the friends' but is it possible Sam played up.your friendship and gave them the impression that you were a lot closer than you actually were, and they were acting under false information?

Tork · 06-12-2023 12:40am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121459387#Comment_121459387

It's an interesting thought. I wouldn't jump straight for the "ditch them" button without knowing more. But you are well within your rights to call them out on what they said to you. They've likely had to help Sam in the past and have a fair idea about how fragile he/she is. Still, that overdose would've come as a huge shock to them and maybe they said the wrong thing in the heat of the moment. Being friends with Sam might be taking its toll on them. As I said earlier, none of you is equipped to properly help somebody as troubled as Sam. It's one thing to be the confidante of somebody who's going through a tough time but will find a way forward. When you're trying to help somebody who has a history of mental health issues and is on medication, that's a different story. Maybe everybody in Sam's circle needs to establish boundaries?

RabbleRouser2k · 06-12-2023 1:12am

It's very unfair for anyone to pin the blame on someone. You didn't push them to do something so drastic, and the messages that were sent to you were abhorrent.

I knew someone who was like that.

I had to block them on everything. They were very manipulative, easily spreading lies and playing the victim when caught out. Your friends may have been manipulated. Considering all the abusive messages sent your way, if that's how they treat an acquaintance, there may very well be some other manipulation they've pulled on long time friends.

And the supposed 'shared' friends would really want to look in the mirror if they are blaming you.

RiderOnTheStorm · 11-12-2023 12:17pm

I am glad Sam is getting the help they need. I have worked in the healthcare system and it (wrongly imho) does take a near-miss like this to get the wheels moving.

That near-miss might be why their friends reacted the way they did. A mixture of guilt (they wernt there for Sam) and fear (at being so close to something worse) and maybe the friends didnt react well. If the sender of that message doesnt rethink their terrible comments, then I would reevaluate my friendship with them (this not the same as ditching them - just means you see them in a new light).

manonboard · 11-12-2023 12:24pm

OP, you could not be further from involved let alone responsible.

The objective view of this is: A person has large psychiatric issues. They met you. They behaved very badly and abusively. They lied to you about the reasons ( which means it will defo happen again). They later, for unrelated reasons to you, attempted to harm themselves due to the pre existing psychiatric issues.

Event if this person was a VERY close friend, you are still not responsible. Responsibility only has meaning if one has power to alter things. You have zero power here to affect positive change. Tolerating abuse leads to a dynamic of nurturing abuse VERY quickly.

Even if your own family member had the same problems as this person, you'd still be largely powerless to avoid situations like this. Its nothing someone generally has the remit or domain of control to affect change. The belief otherwise leads to a lot of saviors type dynamics and codependency.

Support and fixing are very different things. We have health services and experts, support groups, education, emergency services etc set up for this type of thing. At the very least, the social onus is on the person to engage with experts for help and to be supported (read as listened to) by their closest of friends only.

notAMember · 11-12-2023 12:41pm

See above comments, agree that you of course are not responsible. Nor is anyone else who is in the orbit of someone who does this. The responsibility lies entirely with themselves.

However, your friends question can also be interpreted as (clumsy) care for you... checking you do NOT feel guilty or associated. Having been in a situation before where an acquaintance ended their own life, people naturally tried to support each other, and there were comments like this, to ask how they were feeling and making sure they did not feel responsible. Depends on your friends social skills, and intentions, you will understand this better yourself.

I certainly wouldn't block them or any other the other overreactions. Maybe they had had good intentions and instead of wording it sensitively, simply put their foot in their mouth.

"Friend" with mental health issues

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