Different values around Christmas

Blanco100 · 25-12-2023 9:10am #1

Really wound up about this the last few days. Have real issues with my sister in law (my wife's sister). The definition of a leech.

We invited my wife's mother to dinner but like anything the 41 year old sister and her son come as a package (her son is a lovely lad mainly due to the sponger sister in law pawning him off on her own mother most of the time).

Anyway I laid some ground rules with my wife, I specifically asked that she doesn't try to mirror her sister when it comes to lavishing presents on our son this year. It's not a financial thing, rather it's a values thing. Her sister despite never working a day in her life must have 50-60 presents bought for her 5 year old. It's not even about him, it's more her own compulsion. My wife's agrees most of the time.

As I am the one driving them cross country collecting them and my car only fits so much, but she overstepped the mark the first time by having the guts of 20 large packages posted down here for her lad in late November. My wife told her the ground rules, we are less lavish, our lad wants for nothing, is 3 years old.

Anyway, everything soon went out the window and it's business as usual, my sister in law is practicing some pretty ridiculous "traditions" Which included one specific one I specifically asked my wife to mention it's not happening here. Involves wrapping our sitting room door from top to bottom so the sittings room contents are revealed like a present. Real magical wonderland stuff. It's crass, excessive (considering my wife's mother is skint- we wanted to give her a financially less stressful Christmas because it's usually her funding this circus every year). My sister in law actually tried to stop her mother coming down as it meant her own meal ticket was going to be occupied so compromise was reached in which she had to come aswell.

Long story short, I sat back and watched all this last night, the sister in law directing traffic, berating other nieces and nephews into wrapping her kids presents whilst she played interior designer, all promises to reign it in went out the window.

She mentioned the door being wrapped, and I bit and sai "we're not doing that here" In a jovial tone, she responded that it was her tradition and her son and mine would find it magical. I said, it's not tradition here. Anyway, my wife (who agreed with my assertions pre Christmas) completely took me to task for saying the above to her sister. My wife will always talk like this about her sisters fondness of excess when she's not around, but is meek as a kitten in her presence, in fact I'm the only one who will challenge her, it's constant take, take and take.

The point of the story is, I don't want my son seeing this **** for Christmas. Buying every gift in the Smythe catalogue because it makes her feel less empty inside. I want my kid to have an appreciation of value, and not be expecting 40 or 50 things to open. My wife agreed but everything went out the window.

Im not a miser, I spent the guts of €500(not that amount matters but just for context) this christmas, our kid has everything, but it's a crazy show of excess, all for Facebook photos etc... But more and more just kept getting bought, I think our values are so different.

I adore Christmas, just not this kind of Christmas, where everything has to be magical and story book like. And you find yourself having to top it the following year.

Am I being unreasonable?

Mod - Edited child's age, from 50 to 5.

blackbox · 25-12-2023 9:20am

A great way to break the tradition of inviting sister in law and mother in law is to go abroad next year.

Loveinapril · 25-12-2023 9:21am

There is an element of compromise required when merging different family's Christmas experiences. You seem concerned that the level of excess by your in laws will have to be topped each year. Your son is still so young that you can teach him about how different families have different traditions at Christmas. The run up to Christmas can be a teaching experience around what your values are around this time. It sounds like a lot of stress trying to manage the behaviours of others, your sister in law sounds like a strong character and you are in the minority given that your in laws are visiting you for Christmas. You cannot change the dynamic between your wife and her sister. You cannot change the behaviour of your sister in law. If it is causing you a lot of frustration and stress, maybe you should look to doing your own thing next year as a family of three. Christmas is supposed to be enjoyable.

iniscealtra · 25-12-2023 10:26am

Could you collect them Christmas morning or could they get the bus/train to the nearest town if they live farther away? They can do the gift giving at their own house then. If they’re getting the bus they won’t be able to bring heaps of stuff. You could pick them up from the station. They would have dinner with you and you could drop them back Stephens Day. Obviously this depends on where ye are geographically.

Otherwise as said go away for Christmas and have a dinner together on New Years Day.

Idbatterim · 25-12-2023 11:23am

That is totally insane! Who funds this madness?!

notAMember · 25-12-2023 11:33am

Thats really tricky.

I find that level of excess completely tacky as well as jarringly wasteful. We have a relative who completely overspends as well, out-doing Santa etc. it’s very uncomfortable and hard to say to them as you rightly identify it’s attacking their core values. They really see it as generosity and love.

Over the years we eased this a bit with really repeating over and over how much we prefer experiences and time together much more than things. I emphasised how stressful we find managing STUFF, tell them we are minimalist, tell them we are environmentalists. Gave them some way to label us in their brain. It’s not you, it’s us, we’re “weird”. Now we get different pressies, still too much, but it’s things like tickets to events or membership of the zoo.

Blind As A Bat · 25-12-2023 12:08pm

You're not in the least bit unreasonable. When you invite somebody to your home for Christmas, they come as your guests, to share in YOUR Christmas celebration, not to host their own Christmas in your house.

Speaking as a woman myself, I think your wife was out of order in behaving as she did. Her first loyalty should be to you and not her sister. Your happiness and well being should take precedence, not her sister's.

Sounds like you're doing a great job raising your son with the right values. Best wishes to you and hope the remainder of the Christmas is a happy time for you.

NSAman · 25-12-2023 12:28pm

Easy thing, take your young fella out for the afternoon having a walk. Leave the craziness behind. Spend some one on one time with him.

`we all know Christmas isn’t about presents, it’s about family, friends, taking the time to be with each other. Over spending on a kid, is tantamount to creating a monster of entitlement later on, but a 50 year old? (Typo I know)

vacuous individuals show over spending. Best Christmas ever that we (all my siblings) remember is one with zero money, the dogs ate the Turkey, huddled around the range talking telling stories and laughing with our parents. I was 6.

You a right to be mad, your wife needs a kick in the arse to stop being a people pleaser. No more invites unless her behaviour changes, or it’s just Christmas lunch and feck off..😀 ( i mean her sister not your wife..opps)

Blanco100 · 25-12-2023 12:43pm

Thanks for the replies. The sister is a real piece of work, she has Christmas with the mother every year, takes the young lad down for dinner every year, only thing she spends money on is presents, not a cent given to anyone for food, drink etc...

Saying that, she has him in him mothers every day after school for dinner as well and my mother in law can't afford it. If she was my own sister it wouldn't be happening, but the amount of accommodating her is staggering, she doesn't work, she has someone minding the child for her every 5 mins whilst she's having a fag.

She will be broken all January now, type of person who blows her money on luxury and it's up to someone else to take care of the essentials. Another poster put it right, it creates entitlement for sure and I'm kinda powerless, my wife just doesn't want a scene caused and gives it to me in the neck.

And guess whose cooking, I'll get a big thank you like I've been blessed by God himself and that will be it.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-12-2023 12:45pm

To be honest, wrapping the door isn't my cup of tea but I think trying to insist on that and using it as something to make your point came across a bit miserly. In the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal.

Also, you can't really tell another person what they should or shouldn't buy for their own child. I do think the presents are excessive, but if that's what she wants to do then that's what she's entitled to do. The only way you are going to stop being affected by this is to simply not invite them to be in your house for Christmas morning.

Start new traditions. Christmas day is just your own family. You, your wife, your child(ren). You're going to have to stop it at some stage, otherwise you will be hosting your sister and her child well into adulthood. Your mother-in-law won't be alone if your sister-in-law is with her, so there isn't a need to invite her for Christmas day. You could make St. Stephen's Day your extended family day by inviting them that day, or travelling to them for dinner.

Your wife has a history and relationship with her sister that you don't have. Due to that history she might find it difficult to stand up to her or go against her. So all you can do is manage your relationship with her. Talk to your wife early in the new year. Tell her you can't have a repeat of this Christmas next year and you want to be able to relax and enjoy your time together as a family without the stress of managing her sister. It might take a bit of convincing but you have to think of your own family, your own child. He's a bit young yet to notice but another 3-4 years he'll be very aware of what his cousin is getting.

Idbatterim · 25-12-2023 1:02pm

if she is a single mother and doesnt work, how the hell does she afford all the presents and life in general?! youre wife wont want a scene at christmas, feels its easier to go along with it. Its insufferable though by the sounds of it, I would be thinking of new arrangements for christmas, going forward...

Meeoow · 25-12-2023 1:18pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535119#Comment_121535119

Maybe the child's father coughs up for his child.

Blanco100 · 25-12-2023 1:24pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535141#Comment_121535141

That's not the case 100%. It's a mystery, but it's really a case of spending all her money on presents, and leaving it to her pensioner mother to pay for essential stuff in the preceding months.

I sound bitter I know, I don't care what she gives her young lad, my issue is my kid seeing it, asking for the next present after ripping another one open. It breeds entitlement.

It was supposed to be our Christmas but she completely hijacked it, made it all about the experience for her own lad. And she will sit back and tuck in to our food and drink and feel it's expected because she's so used to other people footing the bill for it time and time again.

AllForIt · 25-12-2023 1:34pm

No you are not being in the slightest bit unreasonably.

I would suggest to say once and for all no and say that's the end of it and that you are not going to entertain any further debate about it now or in the future including to you wife who may wish to bring it up after they've gone.

Dial Hard · 25-12-2023 1:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535156#Comment_121535156

In fairness if you invite someone for Christmas dinner it's kind of to be expected that they'll tuck into your food and drink. Although I'd also expect them to bring a few bottles of wine with them for the hosts.

Anyway, I think you have your answer - just stop inviting her. OK, it may mean your mother in law won't come either but unfortunately that's her choice.

Idbatterim · 25-12-2023 2:02pm

Its totally ridiculous! These should be your special christmases, with your wife and young kid, ones you should be looking forward to and not dreading. Ones that in future years, you should have great memories of. I am sure you work damn hard and should be enjoying today. I would be done with it, you dealing with other peoples problems and poor life decisions and living on another planet, shouldnt be your problem. I would guillotine it as much as possible, I have a few people like that in my life in 2023, but work related, let me just tell you, that was 2023, not happening in 2024. You only have so many "fcuks" to give, use them on those you love and value...

Idbatterim · 25-12-2023 2:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535179#Comment_121535179

agreed, yet another one of these Christmas for the OP. I feel sorry for the kid of that total mess and his grandmother!

Just re-read the OP, you actually collect her and drop her back presumably?! Jesus christ, you've the patience of a saint... Maybe she should use massive amount she spends on presents, to spend on a car. She sounds like a total waste of space...

Sonic the Shaghog · 25-12-2023 2:10pm

Sure if she's spending all her money on presents and stuff I assume she guilts her own mother into helping pay for bills, feeding the young lad etc.

Idbatterim · 25-12-2023 2:12pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535141#Comment_121535141

what? coughs up to the cover the fact that this ex woman of his, doesnt work? Buys fifty to sixty presents for the kid? god only knows what birthdays are like. He has a responsiblity to cover some of the cost of the KID, nothing else!

Blanco100 · 25-12-2023 3:15pm

It's pretty toxic. I feel very sorry for my mother in law, we wanted to give her a stress free Christmas to be honest.

But she won't come, or be let come without the other one in tow. I'm dropping them back on 27th. There's 5 of them in all, I'm not even getting to sleep at home either, I'm out in my mam and dads place from about midnight, back in at 7 or 8am, we just don't have the space for everyone either.

I know my wife will go mad too when they go home, say I've been off and grumpy in front of her family. It's just so over the top I cannot help it, I'm not going to indulge it.

When my wife arranged for them to visit (bear in mind she just wanted her mum too) I knew what it would entail. Lifts up and home, all the frills as I find with sisters there's a lot of trying to impress each other/show off. In advance, I'd laid out my reservations, no over the top amount of gifts, I don't care what she buys her kid but they will have to be able to get it home, and then u have issue of us having to store all her young lads stuff in our house from November (she had it delivered here) with our own fella exploring around the place.

But if you saw the amount of stuff. I specifically made it clear we won't be wrapping any doorways for big reveals, I know it sounds ridiculous and petty but that was my tipping point and my wife agreed, but once she mentioned it last night and my wife didn't shut it down, I piped up and flatout said no in a jokey way, she responded that it was her tradition, and I said it's not a tradition in our house. I wasn't disrespectful either.

Wife went mad, I spoke against her sister, I told her if she respected me as her husband she'd have a word and nip it in the bud, but she didn't, instead she told me in no uncertain terms what she thought of me making a scene, bearing in mind all I did was speak up once.

Came back in at 7 this morning from my parents, kids got up at 8.45am I'm stuck in bloody kitchen until then as the door is wrapped up, and then the festival of presents begins and I'm watching my own son of 3years of age open about 50 presents whilst Facebook pics are snapped. I would have asked her not to plaster my son on Facebook but my wife would prob ask me to back down on that aswell.

Ah **** it I'll survive but it's just the principle of it.

reclose · 25-12-2023 3:21pm

You are rightly annoyed but I would say to let it go until after Christmas and concentrate on having a good time.

HeidiHeidi · 25-12-2023 3:24pm

I would suck it up for the rest of this visit - without causing an almighty row / offence / possible divorce proceedings (or all of the above), there's not much more you can do about anything now.

But some time in early January I'd be scheduling an evening for a long, sober, sincere chat with your wife - no distractions, and stick with it until you're sure she gets where you're coming from on it all. It all sounds absolutely bats.

Apart from anything, I cannot believe you agreed to leave your own house on Christmas Eve, and sneak back in early on Christmas morning!!

And book a family holiday for the three of you in the Canaries or somewhere for next year!

Blind As A Bat · 25-12-2023 3:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535340#Comment_121535340

I'm watching my own son of 3years of age open about 50 presents

Just to take the awful excess out of it and restore a bit of sanity I'd suggest saying to your little fella 'Would you believe I just had Santy on the phone there while I was making the dinner and he was saying how he gave you so many presents because he knows you love to share. Christmas is all about sharing and now you have loads to share with other children. Isn't that great?'

Blanco100 · 25-12-2023 3:42pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535356#Comment_121535356

You read my mind, it's exactly what I said to him this morning

Idbatterim · 25-12-2023 6:08pm

Fair play OP. I would simply set your boundaries going forward and that is that. Another year of this nonsense, enough is enough...

Sonic the Shaghog · 25-12-2023 7:05pm

Ya tbh OP what would annoy me more is your wife's carry on. All agreeing with you and then tosses you to the wolves once the sister arrives and letting the sister walk all over you in your own home and gives you no bit of backing.

Look I can understand the wrapping the sitting room door I'd let it go, but having balls of presents delivered and you having to store them and then having to collect the family members and now you are telling us you have to sleep somewhere else.

Let me ask you this, does your wife do this in many other ways in ye're marriage?

Sonic the Shaghog · 25-12-2023 7:15pm

Just reading again and you'll have to cart all this stuff back to her own house too and have to sit through her taking a hundred pics just for Facebook and your wife is giving out to you to not open your mouth and speak against her sister?

Ya no OP you need a serious word with your wife, I think it would annoy me more that shed all one opinion to you and then just does a 180 and just meekly let's your one walk all over her. I think I'd be losing a bit of respect for her if I'm honest.

Rubberchikken · 25-12-2023 7:21pm

Her history with her sister meas it's probably easier for her to go along with this woman rather than stand up to her.

Easier for your mother in law too I'd say.

I agree that the excessive presents are wasteful and unnecy. Kids are really happy with a couple of toys they really enjoy.

This woman is all about the notice on Facebook, looking like the best mom and so on. It's a little sad really especially for her child.

Hungry Burger · 25-12-2023 8:11pm

I could think of nothing worse. People losing the run of themselves at Christmas… I always thought that the type of people who are obsessed with Christmas etc, are simple people.

StevenToast · 25-12-2023 8:18pm

I just had a row with the wife this morning about the amount of presents the young lad (age 4) opened....i wanted to hide them and spread it out over the week....but she was giving it "but sure its christmas"....

The sheer amount that kids get now is disgusting....no appreciation, just give me the next thing....

You are not on your own OP....this christmas shìte has got out of hand....

The world needs sending back a century or 2....

Purple Mountain · 25-12-2023 8:32pm

Yup OP, it's a tricky one.

Unfortunately if the mum on law won't travel without the sister and grandson, tge only way around it is to invite none of them next year.

You can simply say to your wife that you're not being evicted from your own house for a few days!

Explain again to her your reasons, which sound valid. It's your house!

You can still do something nice for your mum in law. Offer to drive to hers in the days after Christmas and take her out for a nice meal, just her and your family.

Or go collect her for NYE next year to stay over.

The SIL sounds like the type to go out on NYE. Let her find a babysitter and do her own thing.

What SIL gets up to with her money and young lad is her own business so just distance yourself from her and you won't be irked as much by her because you won't know what is happening.

If MIL allows herself to be taken for a ride too, unfortunately that's her choice too.

Princess Calla · 25-12-2023 8:43pm

Why are you not staying in your own house?

Let someone kip on the floor if there's not enough beds.

I wouldn't be giving up my bed for guests I didn't particularly want!

LilacNails · 25-12-2023 9:38pm

Its a difficult one. I can see where your coming from re your sons values, it's a pity your wife can see from the same page. It's a shame Christmas is mostly about appearances and material things.

I dont know the solution but I think u should keep stern and stand your ground with your wife. I imagine she would side with the sister for the sake of it. She's caught in the middle but she needs to talk up to her sister. The sister doesn't sound like a great influence .

Maybe next year, how about u suggest they can come over, but only after Christmas day. The 28th. No presents in the house, just 2 r 3 times. That way your son won't see all the presents or silly fuss, the main day will be over. Shame it effects your mother in law, she probably wants best for everyone and stay quiet.

I dont think u should just stand there and put up with it. Christmas is so special when kids are young and great memories should be made.

Blanco100 · 25-12-2023 10:10pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535869#Comment_121535869

I agree, the MIL just wants everyone to get along. But I'm fecked if I'm spending another Christmas like this.

The sad thing is my wife never visits her family herself, I always have to be paraded as well, she has 2 sisters and there's always a friendliness on the surface but massive competition underneath it all, huge appearances put on for them.

They live 2 hours away, she drives but never did that journey herself, ya know the carry on. We literally can't even sit in our sitting room this eve for the amount of toys stacked high, I just can't over it, it's obscene it really is.

LilacNails · 25-12-2023 10:32pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535931#Comment_121535931

Suppose the pics are already up on Insta stories? I can feel the misery from your post.

Spell out to your wife, crystal clear, it's really uncomfortable, you want but can't enjoy the day with your son and wife in your own home. Sounds as if ur wife might be easily influenced too.

Purple Mountain · 25-12-2023 11:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121535931#Comment_121535931

Ah for goodness sake, there's another sister! The Christmas shouldn't fall on your family every year.

Take the previous posters advice. Invite them on the 27th or 28th next year.

They can get a train to the nearest town and spend the day in your home.

Or if they have to stay overnight, (1 night is enough) invest in a blow up mattress for the SIL and boy. Do not be put out of your bed.

You could suggest to the SIL that both families get a Chinese takeaway and split the costs 😆

marilynrr · 26-12-2023 4:33am

Anyway I laid some ground rules with my wife, I specifically asked that she doesn't try to mirror her sister when it comes to lavishing presents on our son this year. It's not a financial thing, rather it's a values thing.

.....

my sister in law is practicing some pretty ridiculous "traditions" Which included one specific one I specifically asked my wife to mention it's not happening here.

Those parts stood out to me. While what you want for Christmas when it comes to the amount of gifts certainly seems like the more reasonable choice I don't think that necessarily gives you the right to lay down the ground rules. Does your wife really agree with your values and what you want for Christmas?

You said your wife agrees with you about the SIL most of the time but then is meek as a kitten in her presence, are you sure you haven't got it the wrong way around because it comes across more like she's appeasing you the rest of the time and agreeing about her sister but maybe she actually wants some of the Christmas 'magic' and traditions even if you don't want that kind of thing for Christmas, Lots of people love that stuff like wrapping doors etc, it's cheap and they see it as fun. I've never done it but I'd see it as a silly fun thing, not something wildly excessive like you think it is.

MakersMark · 26-12-2023 6:48am

I think it's time to stand up to your wife, not your SIL.

You sound like you're having a miserable Xmas each year. Not worth it, and not fair on you.

Tell your wife this, and tell her now that next year is just for you.

Don't accept anything else.

You'll regret not doing this.

iniscealtra · 26-12-2023 6:57am

I’d be putting a stop to this madness. Leaving your own house on Christmas Eve is not ok.

Talk to your wife. No guests next Christmas.

Friends of mine put a stop to the madness by saying only wooden toys.

Invite them for new Years. Collect them from the nearest bus stop/train or send your wife to collect them.

Go and stay with her mother for a few days during the year and cook for her / bring her out to dinner.

Blanco100 · 26-12-2023 11:42am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536442#Comment_121536442

In fairness wrapping a door is the least of my worries, it's what's on the other side of the door that's the issue. Literally like a toy shop, stuff stacked high.

For me, it breeds entitlement in kids, people might say it's a matter of opinion but I don't think there's any valid argument or reason to lavish that amount of gifts on a kid who has everything anyway.

To suggest I enforce anything is unfair too, it's a fair compromise, I could be a prick and say nobody is coming down, I even stayed elsewhere to save space, took our kid out of his bed to make room.

lbunnae · 26-12-2023 12:07pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058328294/different-values-around-christmas

You spent 500 quid on your 5 year old child? Christ the hypocrisy. Sounds obscene to me.

Idbatterim · 26-12-2023 1:48pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536797#Comment_121536797

There is obscene pressure mostly from the mothers now to do this . E500 is a lot, but not obscene. This money would he far better saved for the kids future or family finances ( rainy day fund ) .

lbunnae · 26-12-2023 1:50pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537031#Comment_121537031

500 on a 5 yr old is enough to be called a hypocrite in my book. His main problems then were wrapping the door ie not a big deal and then the in laws eating food.

listermint · 26-12-2023 1:58pm

I read this as the OP being a miser tbh.

Wrapping the door so the kids open it in the morning as a surprise isn't a big deal. Jesus I'd say you murder the joy out of Christmas setting rules. Good jaysus is all I'd say.

AdrianG08 · 26-12-2023 2:10pm

Jesus Christ some of the replies on here beggar belief.

Can 1 million per cent relate to the OPs situation.

He's been called a miser for not letting people blow even more on toys, a hypocrite for spending too much. It's actually unbelievable.

The SIL sounds like a dose and my guess is your wife knows she's explosive so she wants Christmas going off without a hitch. Easier to comply than risk her wrath when weighing things up.

Completely agree with you on your values, don't listen to any other shite on here. And as for being judged on the wrapping the door, I get it that that isn't the issue per se, it's the icing on the cake rather. I had a sister who did the same nonsense, it's not for the kids it's for the parents to plaster on Facebook for likes. Some people's lives are mundane and this is the **** (Facebook validation) that gives them their buzz.

As for leaving your family home to accommodate them? You are a better man than I. And a good husband and father too by sounds of your posts, I wish you and your family a very happy Christmas and new year.

lbunnae · 26-12-2023 2:20pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537089#Comment_121537089

How is it unbelievable? He spent 500 quid on his 5 year old and is giving out about what a different woman buys her child? And then moaning she is eating food in the house that she was invited to. Beggars belief indeed.

Furze99 · 26-12-2023 2:27pm

Blood is thicker than water they say and it's true, when you marry - you also marry that persons family.

But no way would I put up with that. When things have calmed down in January, discuss between ye what you'll do next year. And be very clear that it'll be stuck too.

Blanco100 · 26-12-2023 3:01pm

Ah FFS you can't win. I dunno if I spent that much, I don't care what she spends I just don't want my lad seeing it. My point was I was responsible for driving them all down here, none of it would fit, so she had numerous massive boxes sent down to our place, which are pretty hard to hide.

She can eat what she wants, my point was she didn't lift a finger, didn't even take her plate away, brought nothing with her. If it wasn't us she was sponging off it would be her pensioner mother, the person we wanted to bring down on her own.

lbunnae · 26-12-2023 3:04pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537256#Comment_121537256

Next year invite them down on the 27th , simplest solution. I don’t blame your wife for wanting to keep the peace on Christmas Day.

...Ghost... · 26-12-2023 3:04pm

Christmas if it's to be enjoyed involves compromise on all sides.

With that said, the first problem here is your Wife. She has no spine. She agrees with you in person and then backs her sister when you try to reinforce what you both agreed on. I'd be having words about that. It's complete BS and two-faced if you both agree to ground rules and she caves at the first hurdle.

The second problem is the SIL has everyone walking on egg-shells trying to please her, no matter whose toes she is stepping on. This behaviour is allowed because her mother allowed it. The SIL has never grown up and become a responsible adult. She probably lives in a house funded by the tax payer and expects everything for nothing.

The final problem is you communicated none of your "values" or "rules" outside the bubble of your marriage. Had you set ground rules, they should have been communicated clearly to everyone before the invite was sealed. In your situation, I would have returned the gifts that were posted to the house. Saying something in a joking, jovial way is not enough to have you taken seriously. It was enough to attract the wrath of your Wife, so you should have just been direct and polite about it. Your Wife mightn't have scolded you if you had (1) set the rules out for everyone before hand and (2) were seen to be reinforcing those rules.

I have an entitled sister and I have nothing to do with her. My parents are to blame. Treated like a princess and let away with everything while having no expectations of her. She lives off the state and suffers with mental health issues....no surprise if you have to listen to the thoughts in your own head everyday without making any contribution to society.

OP - Don't invite the inlaws again. When you Wife kicks up about it, remind her that she didn't stand by what you both agreed this year and it took the joy out of Christmas for you. While Christmas involves compromise. it should include you suffering for days for the inlaws.

Idbatterim · 26-12-2023 5:23pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121537266#Comment_121537266

yeah, I would say the wife wants to keep the peace and unfortunately, its probably easier upsetting hubby than the sister...

"The second problem is the SIL has everyone walking on egg-shells trying to please her, no matter whose toes she is stepping on. This behaviour is allowed because her mother allowed it. The SIL has never grown up and become a responsible adult. She probably lives in a house funded by the tax payer and expects everything for nothing." Exactly what I was thinking. half of the country is the working poor, the other significant number, funded by them, is the idle "poor" as RTE etc would call them ... dont work, but live as comfortably as those working pretty much...

Different values around Christmas

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