Tired of life and trying

LilacNails · 03-04-2022 11:48am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873575#Comment_118873575

There is a social committee alright, I'll keep an eye out for any opportunities and try be open to it. Charity is a good idea as well. What do u mean by D & I?

Ciara26 · 03-04-2022 1:49pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118873912#Comment_118873912

I just emailed the committee and asked to join or to keep my name on file. These committees tend to take any help. sorry D&I is diversity and Inclusion. It’s a committee that try addressing issues within the company. Most larger companies would have this. Again I say most not all

LilacNails · 18-04-2022 9:35pm

Found this weekend really tough.

Thoughts are in overdrive that things won't change for someone like me because of the crap circumstances I'm in.

Iv had little to no interaction over the weekend. Spent 90percent of it on my own. I did manage to get out for 2 long walks, got some meals prepped for the week. I just just feel so empty.

Anything good or healthy I try do, I do... But I'm just still left with that feeling of what's the point. What's the point of putting in this effort.

So many negative feelings, I just what to run away from them. I sit through them. At times I can move on, it's times like this I feel I'm drowning in them. I feel frightened.

Just needed to get that out of my system.

sporina · 18-04-2022 10:10pm

big hug,... honestly... please call the Samaritans - 116123.. you have as much of a right to be on the planet as anyone else.... and to feel like you wanna be here.... there is always hope - talk to someone.. make an appointment to see a GP.. be good to you... be gentle with yourself.. please call the number.. big hug.. really.. S xxx

sporina · 19-04-2022 4:26pm

i hope your OK OP..

RojaStar · 22-04-2022 3:08pm

Sorry you're struggling OP, lots of great advice here.

Just something that struck me when someone mentioned that other people may join groups just for the love of it, well I would say that that's actually the best approach when joining any group and if you make friends out of it, bonus. The idea of joining a "social" group just to make friends would be my personal idea of hell.

My advice would be, get passionate about something. Anything! Try different things until something sticks! Whether it's drawing, running, hiking, cooking, cycling, whatever. And then maybe you can connect with a group from there. It doesn't have to be deep and meaningful connections, just people to meet for coffee initially and who knows where it can go from there.

LilacNails · 20-11-2023 9:39am

Hope its ok to reactivate this old thread...

Unfortunately Im still feeling like I'm still in this boat, however, a few things changed Im in a different career and new house share, still in therapy tho but dont go as often as I use.

I managed to join 2 social groups since, still going to these as I know and do have to keep pushing myself. Im still going. I have seemed to have been ghosted by a long time friend, tbh I feel as though I may have been bringing her down, tho I always would have said to her Im conscious of this and always appricates the listening ear and her time. She is in a different life stage to me has kids and lives 2hrs away. My other friend is getting married again she lives 3hrs away and her friends in that area are all getting married as well.

I guess I'm bringing this thread up because....this sounds so ott on my end, but I got talking to a guy on Tinder and I like him. Heres the thing, now its only been 1 week of texting but my anxiety is off the wall. Iknow I know I need to chill out, but I just cant. I need some words to help calm my mind down and come back to reality. Or hear from others in a similar suitation.

This guy has made a good impression on me, hes consistent, doesnt drink or go to pubs, has a career with helping people...he comes across as kind and caring. He has texted/VN every day, However, Iv noticed he talks about himself alot. Like I'll tell a story from my day etc and most of the time he doesnt acknowledge it.....

This is a red flag isnt it? Because of his career I get the impression his ego is at 90 at times. I dont mean to be judgemental, its something I always watch out for. I feel as though Iv painted these amazing pic of him i my head and hopong for the best....

I also feel I wouldnt be good enough for this guy. He speaks intelligently, seems smart and grounded. Im struggling in college, depressing freinds and family situation and has emotional issues!

Ugh... sorry my thread is fairly sad, would appricate any thoughts and advice.

Goodigal · 20-11-2023 3:50pm

Hi. Sorry to hear your anxiety is still overwhelming you. But maybe even writing all that down might have helped.

With regards to the guy, try meet him sooner rather than later, in case when you do meet, he's not the guy for you. Then you'll feel less stressed out. You're making a lot of assumptions about him and you haven't been in his company yet. He might be good for you! Never think you're not good enough for anyone. We all bring different things to the table 😊 Plus in my experience, men do like to talk about themselves a lot! Living with 2 boys, I see that even now! Arrange a meet for a coffee and see what happens.

Keep going to your therapist, and the groups you've gotten involved with. Try not to be so hard on yourself OP. You're doing your best.

LilacNails · 24-11-2023 8:57pm

So that guy has ghosted me!

I was getting the impression he was just passing time, kept talking about himself...and sending me selfies...through whats app.

He will meet sometime soon but hes up the walls and can barely breath, his course is so intense etc. I said Im not a big texter or like to text weeks on end and would rather meet see how things go and take it from there, also said I dont mean to out any pressure on. And ya, no response since.

Im so fed up. How and why do I keep meeting these guys. This is the 2nd one I had some hope for,constant texting, coming across interested and what I thought were genuine.

YellowLead · 24-11-2023 9:22pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121414037#Comment_121414037

But that is where you are going wrong. If. A guy is pushing himself constantly texting, he’s not for real. He’s just passing time for fun/flattery. Everybody knows to build something real you have to take it slow. Stop giving your number to people you haven’t met.

LilacNails · 24-11-2023 9:28pm

I thought we may have been on the same page re dating. He asked me what I was looking for, which is ideally a relationship...not ons or time wasting, he said he was looking for the same, looking to take things slow.

YellowLead · 24-11-2023 9:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121414148#Comment_121414148

Yes but if course guys will say that. Doesn’t mean they want one with you. Being too into you is a big red flag. Once you learn that, you’ll be less likely to end up in these situations. You absolutely should NOT be getting remotely invested when you haven’t even met somebody.

looksee · 24-11-2023 10:04pm

You are evidently looking for a partner but at the moment no one has clicked. Can you look at your life and see, at least for the short term, the positives of being single? You do not have to have a partner, but you have to recognise that being single is not any sort of failing on your part. Can you stop stressing about it and just do your own thing? You are organising a social life for yourself, go out and enjoy the company you find, but be an equal partner in friendships - you have to encourage them along, people are not for the most part looking at you and judging you, they are too busy with being concerned with themselves. It takes time for a friendship to develop, once you have left school/college, give it time to develop.

When the people you know settle into a routine relationship with children and mortgage, your freedom to do as you wish may look very attractive to them. There are pros and cons to almost every situation, keep looking for the pros in your situation!

The guy you were texting with sounds like small loss, texting with someone on Tinder isn't a very solid basis for a relationship. No harm in doing it but don't allow yourself to get too invested in any of them - you were doubtful about him from the start.

Try not to allow yourself to keep count of disappointments and mulling over past problems. It didn't work, ok its gone, move on. Doesn't matter whose 'fault' it was or whether you should have done something different, put it behind you and think positive.

There is an element of 'fake it till you make it' about life, if you can come across as confident and content with yourself and your life, and take an interest in the person you are talking to rather than thinking about yourself and how you are coming over, other people will see you as confident and content and be more responsive than if you express your own anxieties in the early stages of any friendship.

LilacNails · 24-11-2023 10:55pm

Yellow lead.......Ya ur right.

I was reading and taking things as gospel truth. I guess I just really want to meet someone and not feel behind. Its taken a knock to my confidence. I know it all sounds a bit intense, perhaps this is a realisation I need to take more time out and to myself.

Lesson learned. Tinder account deleted. Not going out of my way anymore to meet someone.

LilacNails · 24-11-2023 11:05pm

Looksee

Thanks for your lengthy response.

Iv been single for quiet a while and thought by now I would have met someone. Its hard, all friends and those around me have partners.

Iv fallen into a rut and I was bit silly and vulnerable to have got my hopes up so easilyand quickly with this guy. Sometimes I like to think that oh maybe Iv finally met someone, I'll believe everthing they say and think they are being genuine. U culd say I have become that desperate.

Iv been working on my confidence for a while, but Iv now deleted tinder caused its definitely had a knock on me. I wish I didnt get knocked so easily.

YellowLead · 24-11-2023 11:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121414912#Comment_121414912

At least you’re becoming self aware 🤗Give yourself a break. It may seem everyone around you has everything but many don’t, you just don’t notice them.

RiderOnTheStorm · 29-11-2023 12:37pm

Hi Lilac Nails (cool name, btw). I just read through the 3 pages so far, and I really feel for your situation. There was some great advice along the way, and you seem to know what the problem is, but change is hard, and sometimes its actually beyond ourselves to change some things.

But ..... good news .... It only has to work once, and one thing will lead to another etc

My (useless?) piece of advice is to not compare yourself to others. Dont look / listen to what they were at for the weekend, etc. People portray a best version of themselves and its impossible to keep up. As the song says "do not look at beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly" Baz Luhrmann . Another person not to compare yourself to is .... yourself! Dont tell yourself that 'I should have had X by this stage' 'I thought I doing X now' etc. I used to do that, and its harder to do this than stop comparing yourself to others (as we are our own worst enemy sometimes!). I found the book 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor Frankl very useful and I pick it up and re-read it from time to time. Its a true story of a man in the WW2 concentration camps who learns that there can be happiness in any situation. From that book is a great quote "A man who has a 'why' will find a 'how' ... "

Last quote (I promise!) "When you are going through hell ... keep going" Michael Cane (?)

I really hope you find to be happy :-)

mrslancaster · 27-12-2023 5:53am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121414912#Comment_121414912

You said you've done the whole 'join clubs/activities - meet people with similar interest/age' and it hasn't worked out for you. That sounds tough, it's hard to keep trying and feel like nothing changes for the better but maybe 2024 will be the year.

You didn't say what kind of clubs you joined and perhaps you just haven't found the activity that is best for you yet. Would you consider trying again? Maybe a short course in January, something that is fun and easy-going, not too taxing or involving too much commitment or expense. Most community colleges offer a variety of short adult education/hobby courses at a reasonable cost, 6-10 weeks of one evening or afternoon per week. Generally the participants are local or live near the college, and some may also be hoping to make new friends.

It depends where you are located of course, but a beginner/speciality cookery course is a great way to meet new people, learn about other cuisines, good fun and the only expert in the room is the instructor so no need to feel nervous, anxious or intimidated because everyone is a beginner. They are usually short courses so there's no on-going time commitment and new recipies from different world cuisines are a great skill to have and share with others.

If cooking is not your thing, how about gardening, ballroom dancing, photography, creative writing or geneaology? These courses just provide an introduction but they are enjoyable and will not cause any stress and no study involved. I know someone who signed up for a wine appreciation course a few years ago. They learned a lot about wine - whats good/bad, different wine regions etc. They made new friends and still regularly meet up for wine tastings, meals out and other social activities with the group. They highly recommend it, said it was great fun and had a very relaxed atmosphere. (It wouldn't be for everyone though as there's alcohol involved).

Don't be so hard on yourself, nobody has it all figured out. Baby steps.

blackbox · 27-12-2023 7:15am

1. You're just as good as anyone else. Probably better than most.

2. Everyone is different.

3. You don't need a partner. You may or may not want one.

4. You don't need to fit in - especially if you have to make yourself different to fit in.

5. What other people think doesn't matter except for people you really like and trust.

6. Find the things that make you happy, even when you are on your own. I found listening to blues music to be great when I was down.

Daisy78 · 27-12-2023 11:30am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539651#Comment_121539651

I’m curious. Why would someone be ruled out as a prospective partner if they are over 35? You can meet someone at any age. I accept it’s more of a challenge but I can’t see why you might be dismissed out of hand if you were over a certain (and relatively young) age?

LilacNails · 28-12-2023 12:48am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539651#Comment_121539651

Thanks for the reply. With the 1st link you provided, I completely get it, however growing up the adults I was surrounded by were very harsh, critical, judgemental of others , and eachother. Of course Iv grown up thinking, this is how.others think, and I use think that way too. I obviously know its wrong and really ignorance... but I automatically think people don't like me, because of what I was hearing from the grown ups, growing up. But I do feel I am catching when I think these thoughts, I think it's just a long process I have to go through. And tbh they will always pop up now and again.

LilacNails · 28-12-2023 1:08am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539694#Comment_121539694

Ya it's hard because that's what always gets suggested, join a club etc..... it doesn't always happen that easily. I find most people join with someone or already.know them. Sometimes those on their own are left out. Like one club I.joined for example there's a few sets of sisters , and they all get on like a house on fire... cause its easier for them and I guess.more in common. I'm on a right downer. I join ones I have the interest in! But ya I'll always join, I love learning. I believe it takes a good few goes, hopefully I'm getting closer to one I'm truly happy in and part of.

LilacNails · 28-12-2023 1:14am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539720#Comment_121539720

Thanks for your input.

One thing I have to pick on lol.... no 4, I might enjoy need to fit in but as social beings the desire and need to 'fit in/belong to ' is and always will be there. Its a natural need. My need for that us so bug because I didn't get it from home, so outside of home I feel as though I'm on 'high alert' for the opportunity to fulfil this. It's hard to explain, not sure do alot of.people get it. But I can say, I love company and the sense of being part of and belonging to something.

Trying to get more.into listening music to lift my spirits. I usually listen to self help podcasts but they keep me stuck on a loop for a while.

YellowLead · 28-12-2023 1:25pm

https://www.eventbrite.ie/o/korina-duffy-ecofitness-connect-through-movement-66357996033

There are singles hikes and events that are actually brilliant for making friends. I don’t think any couples or only 2 maybe have come out of it so far but so many people have made friends. The hikes themselves are grand but the real benefit if you get added to a whattsap group then, and there are local groups too. So somebody says anybody fancy a hike in x location at x time and usually 4 or 5 people will be up for it. You’d never be without people to meet up with and all of them are lovely and in the same position - ie 35+ (there is also a younger section) with a lot of married friends and so everybody there has joined specifically with the goal of meeting new people - they’re actively looking for people to hang out with. And I do think a few more couples will come out of it as time goes on

LilacNails · 29-12-2023 2:16pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121545498#Comment_121545498

Do I want to meet people, or do I feel I should..... its both. I should meet them for my own health and progression in life, and want to because I can be sociable and like I said I do love company.

LilacNails · 29-12-2023 6:39pm

Ya I love those kind of nights too, and don't mind time on my own, I need time on my own to recharge.

It would just be nice not to come home every evening with no one to talk. No one to talk to about my/their day or just silly stuff. Even someone in the sitting room watching TV together with.

I'm in a house share with 2 others, but we don't do any thing together. We don't mix.

Robert Jackson · 01-01-2024 1:41am

Get a dog and a snooker table and you'll be fine

tritriagain · 01-01-2024 3:08am

Dog would help with stress and worry. If your a "dog" person.

LilacNails · 01-01-2024 3:13am

Would appreciate helpful comments only.

Have a dog already, won't be getting a snooker table.

rolling boh · 01-01-2024 3:31pm

Would there something in the volunteering area that might suit to get you out with people that by what they are doing would suggest they are sound decent people ?.

LilacNails · 01-01-2024 3:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121557413#Comment_121557413

The ones I have most interest in are very far away, 30 miles plus...its tricky being in college full time, but I usually do keep an eye out for things locally.

rolling boh · 01-01-2024 3:47pm

I haven't read every post so maybe you have posted already but what actual interests or hobbies if any do you have ? somebody might have a suggestion if we knew exactly what you were into.

Idbatterim · 01-01-2024 4:55pm

Do you live in Dublin, a town or rural ?

LilacNails · 01-01-2024 5:42pm

Iv already stated Iv tried new things, many times throughout the years, ones that Iv had an interest in, and some with not much. Iv pushed myself, to where it doesnt bother me joining new things. But sometimes when u join groups, it doesn't solve everything. U don't always make friends. I feel I don't make friends because no.1 making connection is difficult for me, cause my family is so distant and emotionally abusive- I have issues connecting and maintaining friendships/relationships....because of this, I'm lonesome and feel different to people my age. It's as if the years go by, as I change and get help, things just don't change. Friends/people move on, no relationship with family..... I dont know what or where to turn. Iv given up jobs I'm miserable in, Iv taken the chance and gone to college to pursue a career I'll *hopefully love and manage. Iv been doing therapy for over 2 yrs, my therapist is currently trying to finish up with me cause its going on so long. Counselling since 18.

There's has been a few highlights in my life, but at this age and after all this time, I thought I would be further.

With the lack of support, people around me and .... esteem/confidence....I'm just at bit of a loss.

I ask that my thread is read over, cause it can be bit annoying repeating the same things...

LilacNails · 01-01-2024 5:47pm

I am part of a whats app group where their like "Hey girlie's, omg so fab, omg so amazing etc...." I just find soo many females are like this, everywhere and I just feel its fake and put on. Like not genuine it pisses me off, I feel it is cause I'm just not like them, and probably jealous that they all.connect and can be happy and bubbley.

It's those kind of personalities so many are attracted to - I see it. And I'm just not that. It's as feel I'm just not enough!

Yes I'm drowning in self pity, I'm just sick.of trying and having this fed up and lonesome feeling. I just can't shake.it off.

Idbatterim · 01-01-2024 6:23pm

OK, found the relevant bit. Id be moving to Dublin etc if possible. Depends on your income if you currently have one 0f course... here's the thing with dublin large influx and change of people all the time, just so much more socialising, cultural etc stuff to do...

Tired of life and trying

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