Depressed wife

She was there for you. I think you should return the favour!

Sounds like working with her dad is a major stressor for her. Sue probably feels trapped there as it's "family". Perhaps this is something that needs looking at.

I don't really get what you mean in the last part of the post. She made a remark that she was holding you back and you jumped at the chance to look for another job and leave her? Is that correct? Seems a huge leap to make from one comment from her. Were you just waiting for the opportunity and this gave tacit permission? Are you discussing the apartments and job search with her? Is she still of the opinion she is holding you back?

Maybe all she wanted was some reassurance that she is doing rhe right thing, and saying she was holding you back was a cry for help, and an opportunity to tell her you are there for her?

I think it's important to note that some depressions will hit differently and a person can feel unable to put any 'effort' in to get better. The depression just kills that side of them. She might genuinely not be able to pull herself out of it at this time.

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I'm not sure if I'm reading the above right, but it sounds to me like she said to you during a very low period that you should look for opportunities even if you had to leave, and that you jumped straight into that but that she isn't aware that you've actually taken the conversation seriously and that you're actually looking for jobs and apartments? Is that right?

If so, you said she's better now, so now is the time to have the serious conversation with her and discuss the future. She might not have actually meant it, she could have just said it in while in the throes of a depressive episode.

Of course you are still entitled to leave if that's what you want to do even if she actually wants you to stay but I do think you owe it to her to have a conversation about it now when she's feeling a bit better rather than just running with what she said when she was at a desperate point.

Much of my own initial thoughts.

Find it a bit telling that the wife mentions how their life at the moment isn’t making her happy but it doesn’t go into detail about problem solving her issues which could be a multitude of things. There may even have some overlap of certain gripes, both seem unhappy with work for example.

Generally speaking, you’ll be able to figure out some compromise if both of you are really in it. I think the OP just wants out and there’s not much more to it.

When was the last time you both had a serious conversation about kids, is it a completely mutual decision?

It could be in the back of her mind considering her age and where her friends are at. I'm not saying it's it but it could be a factor.

It's doesn't seem to be something you're any interest in though and that's fine just make sure you really both are on the same page.

And I've seen just as many fall apart due to the added stresses.

Seriously, advising an OP who is already struggling with major life decisions to have a glue baby is downright irresponsible. Kids can strain even the strongest relationships, and it's clear the OP's relationship is not in a good place right now.

Plus, there's also the small matter of, y'know, neither of them actually wanting kids 🙄

OP, I think some counselling for both and each of you is probably necessary at this point. Career for each of you so you can both figure out what you actually want to do, and couples for the relationship issues.

OP, I feel really sorry for you and your spouse.

Without kids or a mortgage, which are big stress points for many couples and neither of you are happy. Why not? Are you actually unhappy with each other? If you're wife was back the way she has been in the past would you be thinking of moving to advance you're career?

Regarding your wife, being in a multi generational family business can be very difficult, it can be great, but very often it's not. I'm from an agricultural background and it's a huge source of problems for many, the older generation want to retain control and often make the life of the ones to take over from them horrible.

The huge question here is; what would make you happy? You want to advance your career, good, but will that alone make you happy? If it costs you you're relationship, will you be happy?

Is the mental health issues you're wife appears to have, the cause or the result of something else. In a recent work training course a phrase "what would success look like" was being repeated ad nauseum. For you and your wife what would happiness look like? If you can figure that out, then plotting the way to get there will be easier. If right now she's unable to see a way forward then perhaps she needs professional help. You said that she wouldn't go back to counselling/ therapy. Maybe there are alternatives you could look at.

Ye are mid 30s and you said married for 4. She's been down for maybe a year. I just wondered when was the last time you chatted about children, you've said many times and again before marriage, that's 4 years ago going by the post, is there any chance the biological clock has at her? Or has it come up more recently say in the last 12 months?

Ideally a part-time admin person in the office or sub contract some out (accounts and payroll)

Then look for something you both like doing and do it regularly. Example is hill walking.

Also look at groups in the locality that can be social and informative. Lions club, Toastmasters, Business networks.

As I was reading your initial post, I had to go re-read the title as I was wondering where your wife came into it. It seemed to be about you for the first two thirds of the post. And I think perhaps that's where you need to start, with you.

It seems you are not happy and have jumped at the chance to get out of where you are when your wife was having a down day and suggested you find other employment. You felt a weight lifted, that says it all really.

As regards to your wife, you suggest she carried you for many years in your darker days, but seems to me you're only willing to give her the year and she should be snapping out of it now so to speak. You say your wife sits in front of the TV or social media, sounds like you disapprove of this? Maybe its her way of escaping? You're on social media by writing and reading here, double standards?

I think your wife's job has little to do with both your issues. All jobs with large responsibilities carry stress, and you need to see this. You sound like you're trapped because she has the family business, still being monitored by a man who you do not like (her father). Have you ever asked your wife how she feels in your marriage? Is there a chance she feels under pressure because you feel trapped because of her family business?

You both need to sit down and debate this issue, I honestly think you're both probably as 'depressed' as each other and it's that you need to either fix or break. I don't think she's the problem here.

Depression is a serious mental illness. If she is depressed then she is sick.