My Mum died, I don't know how to cope

Flaccus · 20-01-2024 4:09pm

My Mum is gone almost 4 months now and we got through the Christmas. I was at my lowest on the 6h January when we were taking the decorations down and seriously contemplated suicide to the point that I wrote a letter and made a noose. My friend talked me down and I am seeing a grief councillor soon. Waiting for appointment. I am trying to hold things together but I think of my Mum every minute of the day and most nights cry myself to sleep. Health is suffering as is job. Trying to take an interest in things but it's hard.

Wanderer78 · 20-01-2024 4:39pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121643979#Comment_121643979

contact your gp asap, as this is significant depression now, medication is probably needed, along side the counselling, best of luck, grief is extremely painful

Tork · 20-01-2024 6:46pm

Just to add to what Wanderer78 said, there's also help to be had from the organisations listed on the HSE's website https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/mental-health-services/nosp/help/ If you're struggling to pick up the phone to call any of these, maybe you might ask your friend to help you out? I think they'd be happy to help and would be relieved to see that you're chasing up the help you need. Grief counselling has its place but I honestly think you need a little bit more than that for now. Please call.

Flaccus · 21-02-2024 12:21pm

Thanks for all the advice above. I have been put on medication and also seeing a councillor. It seems to be helping. Am coping a bit better now but still need to start going out, take up hobbies. Am stuck inside mostly. When not working, I am either cooking for family or watching netflix. Mum will be gone 6 months exactly on Good Friday which is hard to believe.

Tell me how · 22-02-2024 11:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121796713#Comment_121796713

Glad to hear you're doing better now. Remember, (as I'm sure you know) grief can come in waves so don't see it as all your progress is undone if something comes out of nowhere and makes you feel particularly upset.

It's a similar story in terms of recovery from mental health difficulties. It is not a linear path. It can very much be 3 steps forward than 1 or even 2 at times back so in that respect, go easy on yourself also as you hopefully start to make efforts to live fuller life in many ways. It's a good time of year to be feeling positive, longer, brighter, warmer days are around the corner hopefully and should help encourage you to try new things. Best of luck.

Flaccus · 24-03-2024 6:34pm

Thanks everyone for their support in this thread. It has been really helpful. I am still seeing a councillor and it appears to be helping though I still have bad days. Good Friday will be particularly tough as Mum will be gone 6 months and Easter Monday was always a big deal in my house. I am coping. I hope to take 2 weeks off work and go on a sun holiday soon, assuming health is ok.

Tork · 28-03-2024 10:27pm

That's great. I'm delighted to see that you're continuing with the counselling and are planning a holiday. I hope your health holds up and that you get on that plane. A change of routine and some better weather has got to help. If you're associating Easter so much with your mum, perhaps you might try to change your routine up a bit so you're not stuck at home revisiting old ghosts. Are there any family members you could visit on the day, for example? Or indeed, do something or go somewhere with your friend?

JupiterKid · 28-03-2024 11:48pm

I have been following this thread for a while now, OP and had not got around to posting but I wanted to also extend my sincere heartfelt condolences on the loss of your dear mother.

I lost my own mum when I was only 15 and she was not quite 47 to a massive and completely unexpected sudden heart attack. It was utterly tragic and almost tore our family completely apart - my dad didn’t want to go on living for a good while afterwards and one of my sisters had suicidal ideation afterwards. We did get through it eventually but those early years after her sudden and tragically young death were very, very tough. I actually was incredibly numb with shock after mum’s sudden death and it took a long time to fully accept her passing. We did have some great support from some very good friends and neighbours of the family which helped an awful lot.

I also deeply suppressed my grief in order to show everyone that I could manage living on my own in the family home 5 days a week whilst still in school (a long story) and I did get through that, got a good leaving cert and into college - but it took a huge toll on my mental health in my mid to late 20s.

It seems to me that you may have what is known as “complicated grief” which is where the grieving person goes into a serious tailspin in terms of their mental health after the passing of a loved one. Here is a link from the highly respected Mayo Clinic on the subject:-

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374

My sister also experienced this after our mum’s death back in 1990 and after a suicide attempt a couple of years later she finally got good professional help. My dad also availed of bereavement counseling around the same time which helped him immensely in his early 50s and to move on in his life which he did.

With deep, complicated grief it is critically important to avail of professional help to enable the sufferer to learn healthy coping strategies and rebuild their sense of self-worth.

Your friend sounds like a tremendous support though this difficult time and the first couple of years can be so tough, especially all the reminders. A holiday abroad sounds like a great idea, perhaps with your supportive friend if they are available?

Thinking of you. 🙂

My Mum died, I don't know how to cope

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