online dating

There's the problem right there. See what happens when you don't communicate your needs or expectations? See what happens when you allow someone to treat you a certain way? Why would you do that, in your own words, to the detriment of your needs? By not tackling this with her, YOU are giving her permission to treat you like this. YOU are telling her, by your inaction, that not communicating for days at a time is fine, because for reasons I can only guess at, you are avoiding this conversation with her.

Because there were enough people telling me I was overreacting about the previous communication issues that I thought, in combination with things she said at the weekend, that it would be fine. I gave the benefit of the doubt over the situation and didn't want to be introducing requirements or obligations at such an early stage.

I guess I thought that surely she wouldn't go radio silent on one of the days she had actually suggested seeing me on and not letting me know what was what. I guess I mistakenly thought that fell into a whole new, previously unentered category of pisstaking and wasn't something that I would have to deal with.

This could be me talking….

"People" don't have to live your life - YOU have to live your life. So you need to make sure, as much as possible, that it's a life you're happy with, and that leaves you fulfilled (or at least is headed in that direction) rather than in circumstances you're clearly displeased with, but apparently feel reluctant to deal with head on.

She may well have e.g. Friday evening in mind to meet you, and may think it's fine to let you know this tomorrow or Friday morning. That's not ok with you, but you have not communicated that to her. The solution, to me, appears blindingly obvious.

I've had a scamper back through the thread; this seems to be going on for about a month or so, and Bobby's needs clearly aren't being met. He doesn't have to go full Tommy from Goodfellas or get her to sign a contract to phone him every day, but it should surely be possible to communicate or demonstrate that (slightly) more frequent contact would be nice.

Re getting to know someone, and being open etc, Bobby ISN'T being open, because he's not being transparent about something that's bothering him, and that he doesn't appear to be prepared to put up with in the medium, never mind long, term. If you're not going to be yourself (or say "this isn't for me", and explain why), well, what's the point?

She's married

I’m not married.

In terms of the work excuse - I’ve had busy periods where I work in the evening but if I’m really interested in somebody I’ve popped out to meet them and then logged back on when I got home and worked until 1 or 2am, or started early in the morning.

Now of things are so hectic that she can’t make any time at all over one week - then you’d need to see is it always that way, if she doesn’t have time for a relationship or want to prioritise one then there’s no point.

I know she works a demanding job, and I know she has deadlines this week, and I know that there have been some big changes there recently that have stressed her out. I know she's probably stressed out with trying to get everything sorted before she goes away.

I've seen a similar communication style with others that are more integrated in her life and I've seen her lack of phone use up close.

It's just this specific scenario - when she was the one that brought up wanting to see me before she goes. Yes I did say I'd be flexible and work around her, but that wasn't an invitation to leave me hanging.

Acceptable = "Sorry I'm just really busy, can I get back to you on the plan for this week?"/"I'm not sure if I'll be able to do this week after all but we'll make a plan for when I get back"/"I'm hoping Friday but I'll get back to you on that if that's ok, just really busy with the deadlines".

Not Acceptable = Nothing.

I totally agree. I think some people are a bit selfish, or it’s their way of keeping people a bit at arms length…though there are better ways of doing that! I wouldn’t dream of making plans and just not engaging then. And I have a demanding job as do many people I know who don’t act like that.

She spoke about something quite similar to what you've mentioned there.

Which is why I was satisfied with the situation previously.

But there's limits to that.

It's not a need to want a response when it's regarding plans, and even moreso when you let one of the mooted days pass without communication at all. Even moreso when you were the one that originally suggested the possible plans. I feel that's just common decency. If that's a need that needs to be specified to somebody then the whole thing is just fcuked.

Is your thing happening this weekend?

Yeah at this point if she messaged later and said 'I'm free tomorrow night', I'm not sure if I'd even go.

I don't know should I bring up my dissatisfaction with the situation after she messages or just go along and do it in person. My instinct is to just say it after she messages and see how she reacts.

Unless she's just totally ghosted, which the longer this goes on the more I consider that a possibility.

Things are already sour, she's just unaware of it.

Well I don’t agree with that, like after a few dates if there are things you’re uncertain of you can’t just keep quiet and do a sudden dump two months down the line. Sometimes things can go either way in terms of how something that you might see as a ‘beige flag’ will pan out.