online dating

Think I have something to work on before I go back on the apps in a month or two (or whenever).

Once I like someone, based of very little in the early days, I decide I like them and that's that. Regardless of their behaviour, or of new info that comes to light. Like I'll get one or two bits of info early and then I'll fill in the blanks myself around the rest of their personality and character. And even when I'm shown otherwise I ignore it for this false vision I've got in my head.

Like I'm not thinking about are they compatible for me, I'm thinking how can I be more compatible for them. Now it's nice to make an effort to get to know someone and show an early interest in their interests, but at the same time I need to be more of the mentality of "is this person right for me" rather than "they've got x and y trait, therefore they have a,b,c,d,e trait also, they'll do, I want them, how can I get and keep them". What I should be doing is saying "they've got x and y, now I need to find out whether they've got some of a, b, c, d, e also and if they do then we might have something".

When I actually started to think (far too late) about whether the last girl was a good match - well she wasn't. She was a slave to her work (which would only get worse if she moved up the ladder as she aimed to), had awful communication skills, and either didn't have any interest in my interests or didn't make any real effort to learn. I just latched onto in person chemistry and decided that'll do and ran with it, filled in the blanks (wrongly) about the rest of her, and when presented with information that contradicted this vision I built up, I ignored it.

At least you reflect and are self aware which is a big benefit. What you have described is what is human instinct, we are all doing it subconsciously. When you realise, does it mean you won’t make mistakes? No. But it does mean you won’t let things go as long as some other people might and it means you will get over people fast. If you weren’t aware, you’d be putting this girl on a pedestal and chasing her for months and getting upset about it still years later asking why you weren’t enough.

So being aware of our tendencies doesn’t mean we will always see things clearly as we go, but we are more likely to and we are more likely to move on easily from the kind of scenario you have described.

We often fall for an idea of what somebody is like, when there is chemistry and attraction, rather than the full picture. As the full picture begins to reveal itself we can struggle to detonate because we we want to hang on to that earlier feeling.

Also, it does take time to determine compatibility and there’s still nothing wrong with having some hope at the start, but make it measured.

It’s also a problem with online dating, seeing the curated version of somebody. So if you’d worked with this girl you’d just have seen her as a bad communicator who is a slave to her work.

@BobbyBolivia did you ghost her back or did you let her know you were done?

I let her know. Because given she had sent the last message, there was a small chance she could have twisted the ball being in my court, and I wasn't going to give her a chance to say I was the ghoster.

And then I got a reply back from her with heavy "You're not breaking it off with me, I'm breaking it off with you" vibes.

Only 2 things I don't understand, is why she bothered to try and save it 2 weeks ago when she could have just let it die, and why she was so responsive over holidays (it was probably the most we had ever messaged consistently). I won't ever know so won't dwell. Just odd behaviour in general.

Maybe it was me trying to see her when she got back, something which was obviously non casual, which prompted her to freak out/back off. As I had kind of been marching to her drum in terms of meet ups which was fine and she could keep me at arms length. But when I was trying to see her the day she got home that was a more 'relationship-y' type thing to suggest (which was really me trying to see how true what she had said the last time we met was).

But yeah, the response was odd, because why didn't she just end it if that was actually how she was feeling too.

Definitely no pedestal here. I would have been totally miserable if it had made it anywhere, always 2nd guessing things but being breadcrumbed enough to stay, always would have been 2nd choice to a job that literally is her life. So just taking forward a few things to be aware of next time in others, a few behaviours in myself I want to change, and more (if needed) justification for actually listening to my gut when it tells me "something is not right here".

As the old saying goes - If somebody likes you, you'll know. If they don't or aren't sure, you'll be confused. It's nearly always that simple.

Are you coming to the meet up?

All of these experiences are good, it’s all learning. You learn more with every encounter.

I’m sure your pudding is delightful no matter how you serve it up

Same as myself. Ive had one as far back as bebo. Nothing new really. See an interesting pic and get chatting about it.

Imagine not knowing what you want at 45.

I tend to swipe left on wants kids these days also, I didn’t for a while but now I’m nearly 40 it’s deffo not for me. Which puts most men my own age out of my reach. Hence the dating older because they’ve usually had their kids.

The only way I’d have another would be if somebody could pay for surrogacy and also have enough money so I wouldn’t have to work until the child went to school. Couldn’t be doing 6am starts dropping kid to crèche before doing a hard days work where I need to engage my brain and be waking up several times a night at this age. But stay at home mother situation would be grand…as long as he gave me an allowance. But why would any man be arsed with that!

And the ‘looking for new friends’ people on tinder can feck off too - it’s a dating app FFS!

That does sound like a lot of work, compromise and cold hard cash for everyone concerned 😆

I guess that situation could work in a relationship that developed from a friendship. If both of you were smitten enough. But an OD relationship, where a lot of preferences are made known quite early on ? You'd have just gone your separate ways by then.

I wonder if the increasing number of prompts and preferences is actually decreasing our options. You'd never ask a guy on a first date if he wants kids, but now the info is served up before you've even spoken to each other. I get that it should mean you get more compatible matches, quality over quantity. Doesn't feel like it's working in our favour though. All very binary. Like a big old game of Guess Who !

Wants kids ? Flick them down. Something casual? Down you go! (Dirty double meaning fully intentional)