One-Liner Jokes

I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, when my missus said "You really spoil those dogs!"

My other grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?.......................................Virgin Mobile.

Me and my half brother aren't allowed to play with chainsaws anymore!

My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.

I asked him, "Is it was working ok?"

He said, "It's fine apart from a bit of crackling!"

’What are your plans for today’??

Im just going into town to buy glasses

’And after that’ ??

After that. I’ll see

Just paid €20 for a 2 minute taxi to the laundrette

Feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, "It's going to rain."

His wife asked, "How do you know?"

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

My wife was complaining that I never buy her jewellery.

In my defence , I didn’t know she sold jewellery.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws...

So many people are naming their children after luxury items, like Mercedes, Chardonnay or Dior, well I’m off out with my 2 sons, Gas and Electric!!

I just saw a guy walking round the supermarket, shouting "CAULIFLOWER, BROCCOLI, CAULIFLOWER,

BROCCOLI."

I think he's got florets.

My mate said, "I like your sports car."

I said, "it's not very practical now that we have a baby."

He said, "how about I buy it off you?"

I said,"go on then. Three grand?"

He said, "you've got yourself a deal."

I said, "nice one - you're going to make a brilliant dad!"

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eye yesterday. Shouldn’t have done it in Heinzsight.

Had my custom order of 8 legs of venison cancelled by the butcher last week, came in two deer.

Accidentally took the cats medication, don't ask meow

My grandmother was 80% Irish

Her name was Iris.

My wife asked me the other morning had I seen the dog bowl.

I told her I didn’t know he could.

I've got this terrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. Sadly, my doctor tells me it's terminal.

Ciaran Murphy?