Confronting A Childhood Bully

Don't approach him and ask him why. He won't be able to give you an answer you're satisfied with.

But do try talk to someone professionally about your feelings, and how seeing him transported you back to those awful times. They might be able to help you move past these feelings.

Firstly, I'm so sorry this happened to you, it sounds like an extremely traumatic time in your life

Secondly that doesn't sound corny at all, physical wounds can heal more simplistically compared to our emotions/ego/pride. In fact, although the brain does not process emotional pain and physical pain identically, research on neural pathways suggests there is substantial overlap between the experience of physical and social pain. The cascading events that occur and regions activated in our brains - and therefore our reactions to the acute pain - appear to be similar. So your response at the time to feeling humiliated is valid.

Thirdly, that guy sounds potentially unhinged and dangerous, If he did that to you as a kid, what is he capable of as an adult, I would avoid

Fourthly, I think talking through your problems with a trained professional is a good idea. Psychotherapists/counsellors/ Psychologists- theres no protected title meaning anyone can call themselves a therapist without the necessary qualifications as you don't need to be registered with a protected body, so be cautious, I'd recommend using your EAP scheme in your workplace which entitles you to 6 free counselling sessions with a qualified therapist.

Lastly, I was bullied, verbally for a few months in secondary school (and verbally for a few years in primary school), it got particularly bad in secondary school though, i had suicidal thoughts but thankfully that peer was in a different class to me the following years so i didnt see her or a few others as much,and I never confronted the bullies, I remember seeing one years later after a night out on the town, she acted like nothing had happened and smiles, maybe she forgot or didn't realise the impact it had on me but i just responded with an angry face and she looked surprised with my response🤷‍♀️ I got pleasure knowing they all got pregnant while in school so for me that was karma well served, I think it's normal to hold a grudge and want that feeling of justice/revenge realised

I remember one moment, I engaged in verbally bullying another peer, (not proud of that), at the time i dont think i was fully aware of what i was doing (think it was low self esteem) and lucky to have another peer confront me on it,years later I contacted the peer to apologise and thankfully she accepted my apology

One exercise may be write down what you would like to say to this person,then either keep the paper or burn it, the exercise is just for you to release and process your thoughts and feelings

Best of luck whatever you decide to do

Agree with others OP. Do not confront him. You will not get the closure that you desire. If anything, you’re giving that person the opportunity to inflict another wound.

The best revenge is living well. Try to banish him from your thoughts. Easier said than done, I know.

It was the 80s. When I told my mother - every single time she told me to just ignore them. In my memory she never once said a bad word against those girls. She did praise me every time for all of my accomplishments and wins. I suppose her interest was in building and growing a good little human rather than pointing out the failings of other children. I would view that the OP making it to adulthood with a good heart is a positive. This OP will have a great empathy for other people who are bullied and can possibly help heal themselves by maybe being there for somebody else. Another poster said that nobody knows what kind of house the bully came out of - it could be far worse than the offer it had on the OP. I really feel for children in these situations.

I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. The feelings you're experiencing are common for unresolved trauma that resurfaces, especially when triggered by an unexpected reminder like seeing your former bully.

Confronting him might not provide the closure you're hoping for. In such a situation you're giving him an opportunity to make an impact on you again - whether good or bad. Why should he get this opportunity?
Instead, it might be more beneficial to seek counseling to help you process these feelings and find healthier ways to move forward. Therapy can offer insights and tools to manage these old wounds and can also help ensure you’re well-equipped to support your children against similar experiences.

Channeling your energies into positive activities that reinforce your sense of self-worth and spending time with supportive friends and family can also be helpful. You’ve shown remarkable strength in getting past the bullying, and seeking support is a step towards healing.

This might read corny but I think it holds a lot of truth:
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."

Thanks for sharing OP. I absolutely feel for you.

Another thing to remember, is that this is a child's reaction to seeing him. This is not 'current you' reacting. This is adolescent you from 30 years back when you were vulnerable.

Misplaced fear and rage from times long past.

Those times have passed....…

Jesus the opening post is enough to make me angry reading it; can only imagine your burden.

Kids can be so cruel. But ye were all kids; including your tormentors.

I doubt he knows they “why”. The why is likely trauma that individual was carrying his own from upbringing.

Hard to see a confrontational giving you closure. It’s not going to go like a US teen movie.

In a confrontation would him saying sorry give you closure? Unlikely.

Or him telling you “ah **** we were kids” give you closure? Unlikely.

You have feathered your own nest at this point. Past is the past and it made you who you are.

It's frustrating in a way, but probably best not to approach him. I'd agree it'd be a good idea to get some counselling, it sounds like pretty severe bullying.

It's no consolation to you and no excuse, but if he was beating up kids and making rape threats, he was definitely in a very bad place himself. And possibly still is.

I mention it to kind of show I am not alien to people being bullied - or confronting bullies. But despite that experience (direct and vicarious) I would not generally recommend confrontation and certainly not retrospective confrontation.

I can reply and keep it short however:

1. Approached the kids father and offered to teach intro free lessons in my Jujitsu school. There this kid saw what my son is capable of. And has now stopped bullying anyone because if he sees my son watching him at all - he quickly backs down for fear of intervention.
2. Pretty much all the details here:
   https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121733663#Comment_121733663
3. Just a kid who has been trying to verbally get at my daughter and physically "up in her space" kind of thing. She's very calm and collected and not upset by this. And like my son above if he ever does try to get physical he will very quickly learn what she is capable of. But it reminded us of a book we read so she did some research and he is basically from a very poor family and is probably just angry at the world. So we started a project of building bikes for needy children. Went around Ireland with a van collecting old bikes. Her and her friends have been meticulously taking them apart and cleaning them with tooth brushes and oils and constructing new bikes from all the parts. The results will be donated to needy children. But the best one we plan to gift to her bully just like in the book she loved.

To keep it on topic - I believe if you can really understand whats going on with a given Bully you can lead them to stop and even apologize and see the error of their ways. But it's not easy and it can backfire or make things worse. So I generally do not recommend it.

But if the bullying has long stopped then I would be even slower to recommend it. Reopening old wounds at the risk of achieving nothing or even making it worse. The risk/benefit analysis of it simply does not track for me. Even less would I recommend the "sending a letter" approach or doing anything on line. Because that leaves the would be bully with something they can hold on to and keep and maybe use against you in other ways you might not even forsee. Anything real or electronic you put in their hands which they can keep - is a risk.

I would - in the same position as the OP - be more inclined to seek other avenues of closure. Counseling was recommended which I second. Mindfulness pursuits such as Vipassana can be beneficial (recommend the Waking up app myself especially as you can get it for free if you mail them and say you can't afford it right now). And Martial arts - especially live physical ones like BJJ - can address the feelings of helplessness we might be left with after bullying. And simply pursuing goals and a life you can be proud of so you can say "This is who I am and who I came to be DESPITE the crap some things and some people put me through" is a powerful thing.

As I said I generally would not recommend confrontation especially retrospective confrontation. However that does not mean I never ever recommend it.

What you say about feeling you had no voice - or you had a voice and it was taken from you - and now you want to expunge that by showing you have a voice today even if you only show it to yourself - certainly resonates with me. If that truly is your motivation then while I still would not recommend retrospective confrontation I would also not be recommending against it either. I would say it's entirely your call.

But I would still be recommending all kinds of caution. Is this justified compulsion to use that voice strong enough to mediate for the risks here. The risks that said person will start some new direct or indirect campaign against you or someone you know (ref: his previous sexual comment about your girlfriend or ref: he lives near your parents who are now elderly and vulnerable)? Or the risks he will laugh in your face and derive genuine joy from the idea you have been obsessing over him for years as he walks away smug and tells all his mates about it down the pub next Friday? And so on.

If the worst case scenarios are something you have considered openly and honestly and you still want to feel you have a voice - by all means go for it if it is something you really do need to do. But is it? I suspect it's not actually as important as it might feel in this moment right now while the wound has been reopened and emotions are high.

You can take all the advice on this thread so far including counseling - and let time pass. If you must initiate any kind of confrontation you can do that as easily in 6 or 12 months as you can today.

And who knows in that time passing in a bar or in the street like you already did before - perhaps HE will initiate before you do in a positive way that gives you some closure - or a negative way which gives you a moral high ground.

But if you insist on it then I would still recommend against doing it with a letter or electronically with something that can be kept and used against you in ways you might not even for see until he does it.

I would not judge myself so harshly if I were you. Parts of the human brain are good at time. So good that in fact we can easily assume the entire brain should be good at it.

But it does not work that way. Aspects of the human brain are independent of time. Especially things with any link to any kind of trauma.

And as such a stimulus of any kind has the potential to make something from our distant past be as real and as in the moment as if it only happened this morning. I might think I am over the grief of the loss of a girl who I know who died when I was 15. But I might catch the whiff of some scent that she wore now 30 years later and I am right back in those moments remembering the last time I held her or the day I was informed she was gone.

Our brain is our best friend and our worst enemy. And it let's us down in some interesting ways and we can be angry at ourselves for that or feel we must be weak or wrong or flawed.

So never be angry at yourself for the memories your brain dumps on you or the way you feel or the way things make you feel. Judge yourself instead on what you DO WITH those feelings and memories as they arise. Your emotions and responses do not define you. What you do WITH them does.

I can definitely feel your hurt in your words 😥🤗

I wonder if you noticed him bullying others where it wasn't soley just to you

The best revenge is a life well lived.

You're already pretty sure you're living a better life than him. Nothing good can come from confronting him, because even if he somehow apologises, it won't undo what happened. And to be honest, it doesn't sound like he's going to apologise.

I understand seeing him again has brought all that pain back to the forefront, but if you let it keep affecting you, then he's still bullying you. Right now you're suffering from pain from 30+ years ago. Confronting him about it now, you're more likely to create new hurt from now, and still not resolve the old pains. Focus on improving your own life and living a better life than he ever could. That's your revenge.

I dont see any point in confronting hin or sending a letter - more likely to go wrong than go right. You're also making yourself dependent on him to respond.

You need to take control of the situation yourself. That he now lives in an area you frequent is now a problem for him as you and your friends/family have a bad opinion of him.

Chances are your paths will meet now and then going forward. I would be dismissive of him. If anyone raises his name in conversation, say that you went to school with him and he wasnt nice to people. Give a couple if examples if you"re asked how e.g. he used to pin people down, he was foul mouthed - would tell people he'd r*** their girlfriends.

Dont tell people he did this to you as you're personalising it. Describe the behaviour and keep it third party.

His past behaviour is then a problem for him, which he'd have to acknowledge if he wants to fully integrate in the area.