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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5672
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    A zombie really frightened a ghost - the ghost ran off, scared sheetless.



  • #5673
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…

    Oh well, I guess things can only improve.



  • #5674
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What’s the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

    Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chick Peas can hummus one.



  • #5675
    ottolwinner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 573 ✭✭✭ottolwinner


    So it turns out not all horses are Trojan horses.
    I know that now.



  • #5676
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My Old Mate Dwayne moved to Johannesburg 10 years ago.

    I miss Dwayne down in Africa.



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  • #5677
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,196 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    ‘Was it closed’ is not the best thing to say to your wife when she gets home from a day at the Beauty Salon!



  • #5678
    ottolwinner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 573 ✭✭✭ottolwinner


    About a month before my grandfather died we covered his back in lard.

    After that he went downhill very quickly.



  • #5679
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I'm running a Beatles pun contest, and I'm getting Paul McCartney to heyjudicate.



  • #5680
    ottolwinner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 573 ✭✭✭ottolwinner


    last year I went on a ballooning holiday.
    put on 4 stone.



  • #5681
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,196 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Grand national Saturday, my tip is


    Dusty Carpet , never been beaten.



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  • #5682
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,196 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    What's a forklift?

    Food usually.



  • #5683
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,196 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Just heard 80's singer Enya has bought hew own Rugby Union team.

    Their next 3 fixtures are now:
    Sale (A)
    Sale (A)
    Sale (A)



  • #5684
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    People refuse to believe I am the singer in a Black Eyed Peas Tribute Band?

    Well I Am!



  • #5685
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,196 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Quit my job as a barista this morning.

    Sick of the daily grind.



  • #5686
    Ted222
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 371 ✭✭Ted222


    I paid a carpenter to build me a double bed but he’s done a bunk.



  • #5687
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Does Sean Connery like herbs?

    Yes, but only partially.



  • #5688
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I refuse to accept l fell into the river in Egypt.



  • #5689
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    What do you get when you cross Angela Lansbury with the Lord of the rings

    Mordor she wrote



  • #5690
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Welcome to Feng Shui Club, and I'm very happy to accept the position of the chair.



  • #5691
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If anyone has any ideas how to fix the terrible condensation problem that we have in our house, please feel free to pop round anytime...

    the kettle’s always on.



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  • #5692
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    I see they are looking for organ donors.

    I must have a word with the local vicar.



  • #5693
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    What is the Irish for condom?

    Sliabh na mBan



  • #5694
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Hands trembling
    I checked the numbers again 9-15 29-04 20-24.


    I was in shock, after all these years I'd finally got a doctors appointment



  • #5695
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I bought the World’s Worst Thesaurus yesterday.

    Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible!



  • #5696
    jaykay74
    Registered Users Posts: 6,583 ✭✭✭jaykay74


    Reminder that May is procrastination awareness month. Something to think about



  • #5697
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My wife thinks I’m a sex machine.

    Her actual words were “you’re a f***ing tool”.

    But I knew what she meant.



  • #5698
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,731 ✭✭✭Worztron


    How do you comfort a grammar pedant?

    There, their, they're.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #5699
    ottolwinner
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 573 ✭✭✭ottolwinner


    did you hear about the constipated mathematician ?

    He worked it out with a pencil.



  • #5700
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122090401#Comment_122090401

    A more advanced one would have worked it out with a slide rule.



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  • #5701
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I accidentally locked my coat hanger in my car today... Luckily for me - I had my keys.



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