What's the etiquette here??

Need to freeze the lad first though…the heat kinda dulls the shine off the glitter and doesn’t stick too well

Pop her into a freezer bag and agitate the glitter…into the freezer for an hour or two…couple of those decorative

pins at random after removing the unit and quite acceptable for the ‘ employee of the week’ trophy.

Don’t forget to put “store in a cool place” and ‘best before’ in a hour hence.

Was dropping the Cosbys off while reading the politics forum.

First movements were fine and dandy, just your run of the mill poo.

Then, there came a resistance I was not expecting, the muzzle pressure started to rise and I was not slipping the clutch. It must have taken 30 secs and I figure I best apply a little boost to get her moving.

Lord Lantern Jaysus. It just started to flow and there was no end it sight. Like Mount Etna if someone filled it with Mars bars that had been left on the parcel shelf of a car in mid August. When it was finally over I breathed out and the odour that assaulted my senses was catastrophic. If it wasn’t my own I reckon I would have puked.

The detritus over over the water line and was like a chocolate Mr Whippy. Luckily the flush is strong but I lit one of herself incense sticks and fucked off to the park with the dog before we both succumbed to the fent

Is there no danger of creating a high pitched sound, not unlike letting air out of a balloon?

That’s what we used to do in school. You’d lean over and fire out a long, reedy, one and get a bit of “reverb” off the hard wooden seat.

Or the potential for a massive follow-through. Only worth the risk if you're 100% certain that you're 'solid'

No harm done as long as you remained dry to the touch.

Hmmm… . Not sure if they are related but saw a lad in the gym with a fokking wet towel hanging on a knob like a baby’s arm.

Saw a couple of sachets of that in his kit bag.

Not to be outdone as I walked past past I unloaded a wassiker of a fart like the mainsail of an ocean yacht splitting in in a gale…”Sorry mate..just clearing me throat.

Fohherking whanker

Haway an take a shïte for yersel… you’ll feel better!

You don’t strike me as the gym sort, Brendan. More the barstool to the bookies to the barstool to the shïtters sort.

You are not wrong dude, some sights are like a plate of turkey giblets with a liver coloured 18 spoker looking into your chops.

Has you wishing you had an industrial strimmer in your hands.

Or maybe slip a kitchen 'wizzer' under the low hanging fruit and put her on max blast.

Maybe a daily glass of Guinness could have therapeutic properties after all?

Only a slight amendment to their 1950s advertising slogan would be needed.

You dropped one. he dropped one.

Yours has f*ck all to do with him.

His has f*ck all to do with you.

Be glad you don’t have a GI issue like Crohns or IBD, and get over yerself.

This thread could save the HSE a fortune, basically the key to happier mental health is a good aul shite.

Well done lad, held the load on the clutch as it were.

Was on the pot myself and hadn't pulled the firing pin when a knock came to the door.

Unwisely pulled up the skids and strides and unfortunately it was a relation I hadn't seen for yonks.

Had to invite the fcuker in and fire up the kettle, to make some time, however, lost control half way up the stairs and sprayed a bucket load of rotten midden into the trousers and Calvins.

Destroyed the lot, only fit for burial.

The rest of the visit was a bit strained….

You’re an ideas man GT.

That would surely be an efficient time saver benefit. Should get the public sector to implement it.

Or a ticket system like in the motor tax office. Would avoid the weirdos who play "fastest checkout" and wait outside the door of what cubicle they think will open next… Its an agitating experience sitting embracing some focus time being at peace with yourself and some pleb in his beige chinos and loafers standing outside checking the door… It reminds me of the poem "The Listeners by Walter De la Mare" - "is there anybody there" said the traveler… knocking on the moonlit door (Of course there is, the door says engaged and you can hear me grunting trying to push out a dam buster and biting down on my leather belt).

On another golf related topic, I was playing in a well established (100 plus years) course recently and after the round decided to use the facilities. There was what can only be described as a cross between a sod of turf and a divot in the U bend (Im wondering if the person in question consumed some expanding foam)… if you had a German sprat you could have tried to land it but you’d need braid not nylon. I gave it two mighty flushes and it wouldn’t budge, had to use the adjoining cubicle… whoever landed that must take some divots, hope he doesn’t use a chrome soft because he’s not holding greens with the spin he’s generating by the looks of his “divot”, unless he “dead arms” it. One thing for sure his hoop was probably like the top of a wellie after delivering that sod of turf… Poor kernt.

Why won't some people close the frikken door of the trap properly?

Pulled into an establishment in the Midlands recently…quick snack and a hand wash.(p1ss).

Door bursts open in in comes this hobbit, head on him like a slipper of ham, into the stall and whacks the door

'closed' but the thing bounces half open ….Im looking in the mirror and next thing a blast like a bale of broken briquettes being emptied hits the pan followed by long gush of brown air….

Up with the strides…no hand wash and out the door ….filthy kernt.

Good call JI, lads from that particular area seem to have a propensity just to point the brown eye in the general direction of the pot and blow out a loose fuselade of arse muck which invariably has a wide footprint..like a few bull calves after a day in a field of aftergrass.

This is usually after a ‘big feed’ at the carvery, 11 or 12 pints of Porter and a Long Ray and chips on the way home.

Fcukkers must be full of tapeworms!!

A recent trip to Cambrils, Spain did me no favours in the sh1tter dept.

Was spewing out what can only be described as watery curry sauce for a week and half.

Must have been all the pub grub and strong beers. I'd say Juan and Rodrigo down at fabrica de mierda had their work cut out while I was there.

You are not wrong.

"A recent trip to Cambrils, Spain did me no favours in the sh1tter dept.

Was spewing out what can only be described as watery curry sauce for a week and half.

Must have been all the pub grub and strong beers. I'd say Juan and Rodrigo down at fabrica de mierda had their work cut out while I was there."

Dem two are only sh1t-stirrers, good enough for them.

Ms Slideways has left this in the en-suite, passive aggressive way of telling me my offerings are offensive I’m assuming.

Gave it a lash, it’s quite a powerful scent