Anxiety and depression thread (Please read OP)

…just numb…..

I've been quiet on here, for a while. It's been a very… it's been hell, honestly.

Almost two weeks ago (it'll be two weeks on this Wednesday) my mum had to go to hospital. An infection in her leg didn't clear up with antibiotics. Looked like it might have been sepsis, so she had to go to hospital and get treatment. Some really strong drugs, it seems. My brother and me think she may not have taken them correctly-we found a tablet on the floor days after the course of tablets was meant to be finished.

Well, they've been running scans. As is normal, make sure everything is fine and dandy. And they run a CT scan on her chest. And they found something. Something on the lung.

My brother got a phone call, last Wednesday, from one of her doctors. The Doctor suspects that it's malignant, in his experience, it's nothing else. It's cancer. And this doctor has said he won't do any procedures because of an underlying lung issue. My brother picked up some of the details, but when he heard the words 'malignant'… he found it very difficult to pick up the rest of the details. He woke me up to tell me 'mum has cancer'.

I tried to call my my mum, and not tell her about anything the doctor's had told us But I was crying down the phone, and told her it was because it was my father's death anniversary that was upsetting me.

The following day, I had to have an emergency therapy session. Spent the whole session crying and trying to speak.

We went in to see my mum a few days ago, there was a doctor there, who had also been treating her. He told us there was a lesion on her lung, that scans of the neck showed nothing, and because of her infection, they cannot do more tests at the moment. Only scans to monitor the situation, then a bronchoscopy and possible biopsy when she's stronger.

When I said it's been hell, I meant it.

Hi Grem. I've been numb, emotionally, but thank you for asking.

My mum has been in hospital three weeks now. She's improved a lot. Her appetite is noticeably stronger too. Visited her in hospital Tuesday, and she realised how sick she was. She has improved. The infection was very serious, and we've known some folks who had to stay in hospital, recently, for four months due to an infection.

Went in today, as part of a hospital discharge program/ protocol. To discuss her treatment. She's been doing some physio, in the hospital. They're making her walk to build up strength in her legs. She found the physiotherapy very beneficial. But she's not doing enough of it. She's been resisting doing it, and this is sort of her stubborn nature coming to the fore.

The Doctors and nurses, and physios spoke to us… and it was the most difficult conversation I've ever had in my life. Her siblings, the regional nurse, and one of her in-laws (standing in for a relative who has Covid) were there. They told us about her not doing enough physio. That she needed help getting up and so on.

There are two suspicious lesions on the lung that the doctor wants to keep an eye on it with more scans. At present, they are in one area. He's the second doctor to suspect malignancy. If it's malignant, he won't treat my mother.

As for right now, she can't come home as the home is not in a good enough state for someone who is physically not strong, and is not doing the physiotherapy. Mobility has been an issue for her. and getting about could prove hazardous. In order to be sent to a facility that will do further physiotherapy, she has to engage in the physio she's doing now. Otherwise, it's a nursing home. (The length of stay could be short-term, or permanent).
And having to break that news to her, she started crying. I barely held it together. She was crying before this, she suspected something due to her siblings being there. We held back some of the details, including the suspicious lesions on her lung. At the moment, she does not have symptoms of anything serious, outside of the infection. The physiotherapist has said that my mum gets pain in her back doing physio, but she has had a back issue for many, many years. (A slipped disk decades ago, and a fractured rib years before that.).

Walking away from the hospital, my brother was more optimistic than me. Telling me that we'll have to do some work on the house to make it adaptable to her needs, and that to keep our hopes up- the lesions may not be as serious. An uncle of mine, who had successful treatment for prostate cancer (it was found early and treated) said to me 'you can live years with cancer nowadays, sure I have it myself'. And told me 'keep that on the back burner-don't focus on it'. (Easier said than done).

But all I could do was cry. I feel like I've abandoned her. And if the worst comes to the worst, and if it's cancer… I can't bare to imagine that.

Thanks @Gremlinertia I really appreciate all that you do on here.

Take it easy and see you all in a while.

It's confirmed. My mum has cancer.

My aunt spoke to me today. She said the hospital were pretty much certain about it. No further tests required.

I told my brother. He collapsed into tears. And he's been crying, devastated. It's been devastating.

We visited my mum in hospital today. She had no energy. No appetite. It was a very difficult visit. It looks like she'll need 24/ 7 care, for the rest of her days. Treatment is not an option.

look after yourself rabble, cancer diagnoses and treatment is beyond stressful, and not just for the person with it….

You could cut my anxiety with a knife. Just so much stuff mounting up and no end in sight. I'm avoiding medication. I'm also avoiding alcohol, stimulants, and I am exercising regularly. So, I'm trying "natural" remedies.

I know certain SSRIs can increase eye pressure which I don't want to happen in my case.

But, I'm not functioning. I'm a proverbial nervous wreck. I've done talk therapy. I'm going to have to try meds.

Sorry to hear that OMT. What kinda things did they know? I hate scammers with all my heart. As someone who is into magic and illusion and "mind reading" and "mentalism" and so on - I know so many ways to manipulate people and play with their minds. And I do it just for fun and entertainment. The people who do it for personal gain through manipulation should be hung by the fingernails.

Did you sleep ok? If it helps - one way I deal with anxiety is to do something very uncomfortable and difficult and then be proud of myself for doing it. A seriously cold shower or ice bath works for me :) But the trick is to give anxiety a focal point like a lightning rod.

I went on 200 mg of Sertraline about 3 months ago. On boarded dose in 50s. At the start I had a massive appetite and had the munchies and put on the guts of a stone. I wasn't able to go near exercise.

In the last three weeks my appetite is back under control, I've been back exercising and have lost a few pounds back.

I'm also on a small dose of Olanzapine at night and am thinking about going back to up the dose as I'm a bit agitated and it's hard to get to sleep.

Overall though there's a big improvement in my mood, less anxiety and OCD. I'd be interested to hear how you're getting on as you taper on.

…its bloody draining when in that place, rest rest rest, and try not be too hard on yourself….

Can't focus. Head just spinning with anxiety. Need to reduce my life to the bare minimum, including online. And build back up without all the crap.

I got 5-HTP, years ago, before it was taken off the market. It messed me up big time. Would not recommend it.