Disappearing messages

Hey yep in counseling which almost ended up with me calling it quits.

So what stopped you? I suggest you keep going to counselling. He is not being honest. He is blaming everyone else but him.

His story changes regularly. He may or may not be cheating on you but he is at the very least flirting with this woman and making her believe that her approaches are welcome.

You know what's going on. You don't like it. He's not going to step back from it. So you decide whether you are ok living with that, or not.

Why would her work colleagues encourage her to send it? If it was some group joke thing why would one of them not have sent it rather than 'encouraging' her specifically?

There's something going on. You know there is. Even good partners who have otherwise been 100% trustworthy can be tempted and then come up with all kinds of excuses and cover-ups to make you feel like you're the problem.

You know this isn't innocent. You know this isn't just the average colleague banter.

You know all this.

Edit: by the way, you know this. You have to stop trying to catch him out because all that leads to is more lies and arguments. You don't have to prove anything to yourself or anyone else. You already know. He knows. You don't need the "gotcha" moment. You are very unhappy in your relationship. It's not looking like he's interested in repairing the damage. He's just interested in shutting you up from going on about it.

I think you should continue your counselling.

I guess I need more than a suspicious text to break up our home.

I get that.

But what you have now is more than a suspicious text. You are living in constant doubt. The feeling of being betrayed, lied to, gaslit.

You are placing a lot of faith in the life you've built, your family unit etc. The security that gives you. That is completely normal. But is he thinking the same way? Is he just taking it all for granted? Is he taking you for granted? Knowing that he can carry on how he likes and you'll just tolerate it? He's having his bit of fun and flirtation at the expense of your feelings? He's choosing to upset you rather than upset her by telling her to stop sending suggestive texts.

He's obviously enjoying the bit of flirtation and attention. He's obviously encouraging it. If he wasn't he wouldn't be getting those texts. I know I've never sent flirty texts to a fella that showed no interest in me!

You now have proof of the texts. You have proof they are still ongoing, what I mean when I say you don't need to keep looking for proof. It's in front of you. Him hiding his phone etc.

Look, all relationships can get rocked. Anybody can have their head turned by a bit of flattery and the escape from the mundane of everyday family life. But that's when choices need to be made. Do you chase the excitement of something new, or do you work at renewing your existing relationship?

It's a very common problem in long-term relationships. How he deals with it will be the deciding factor on whether you have a happy future together or not. Despite the life you've built, you can't live the next 20-30-40 years feeling like this and watching his every move.

Career ending? To ask a colleague to stop messaging him suggestive texts outside work? Is she is immediate boss? Why would it be career ending? Sounds very much like BS again I'm afraid. He doesn't want to ask her to stop, either because he's embarrassed, or he's enjoying it. Probably enjoying it, definitely not discouraging it anyway. And is using the excuse of another colleague telling him to do nothing.

If he doesn't want to confront it head on, then he can do so subtly. Do not react or respond to any messages. Do not be flirty in work. Deal with her as a simply a colleague. Not a friend. I suspect he won't do this. Either because he's enjoying it, or because he's weak and prefers to not rock the boat (but will happily allow you to be upset).

I don't know OP. So far there's no consequences. You talk it out. He tells you he gets it. Yet it doesn't change. I think you need to keep going to counselling. You need to find your own worth. You don't have to be in a relationship where you feel like you're coming second.

We don't like gender generalisations in this forum, but I'll fire ahead anyway.

If this was a man posting that his wife was receiving late night disappearing texts from a male colleague, that she wasn't discouraging this contact, that she was actively hiding her phone from her husband, that she was getting suggestive texts about stripclubs and blowjobs, he'd be told she's cheating on him kick her out, or she's being sexually harassed by a male colleague.

Why should it be different because a man is receiving the texts?

I am very slow on this forum to encourage people to end their marriages. It's never an easy decision. But I would encourage people to look at what they are being asked to tolerate in order to keep the relationship going, and ask themselves is it worth it.

Don't contact her. If there's something going on between them she's not going to admit it to you. If there's nothing going on then she'll tell him you contacted her and he'll be pissed off and blame you. No good will come of it.