Marriage is over. What do I do now?

Fantastic move

It sounds like you are great with your kids and close. They might enjoy you starting a BJJ journey. If your kids like to read I highly recommend the first two books in the "Way of the warrior kid" series (soon to be a movie with Chris Pratt I believe) which you might enjoy reading together. It's a book even adults can get something out of.

One of the things I often like to do when a new person starts - is pair them off with my 13 year old daughter. Especially if they seem in any way overly cocky or two into their own muscles that they have built over 20 years of lifting.

Usually the class goes 1) Warm up 2) Show a new technique to drill with your partner 3) Fight time. And you generally fight your first partner and then switch partners two or three times before class ends.

Anyway when they find themselves turned into a puppet by my slim petite daugther the effect tends to be strong. Either they are so humiliated by it they never come back again - or they are so awe struck by the sheer magic of BJJ that they feel "I have absolutely got to learn this voodoo!" and they never leave. I can usually see it in their eyes as they tap to her for the first time which one it is. I'm almost never wrong.

After that - quite often you do not really realise how good you are getting at BJJ until someone new starts after you. Because generally people improve at the same rate you do. So you see your progress as slower than it is because you are judging it against the students around you. But then some new guy comes, maybe bigger and stronger than you are, and you fold him every which way and you realise just how far you have come.

The students who progress faster tend to be the ones who spend time watching all kinds of you tube videos at home to learn techniques to try - or they enjoy the videos showing drills and movements and work outs you can do at home that improve the movements and positions and joints and so on related specifically to BJJ. Lots of those videos showing solo things you can do at home which improve your fitness generally anyway - but also specific to BJJ movements and demands. I find working out alone at home more fun and motivated if it's towards a purpose rather than just general fitness.

We have "open mat" in our school too which is just times when people can come in and fight outside class. Recently had a white belt who wasn't into this because open mat tended to be the higher belts. But off his own bat he started a whatsapp group just for the white belts and as open mat approached they would arrange if any of them were going. Which was good because if one or two white belts were going to show up for open mat - it tended to make the others feel good about coming too. So I was glad he did that as I had kind of dropped the ball on enticing the white belts into using that time.

Anyway let us know how you get on. As you can see its a hobby that can take up 1 or 2 hours of your week - or it can be something you allow take over every waking moment of your spare time :) You can compete at white belt level against other white belts which is great. It can be inspirational just to go to an event and simply watch the white belt matches. There is one in Athlone tomorrow I believe. Irish open is in meath in June and just before that there is one in Tullamore. Dublin June 1st and Galway July 7th. So plenty to watch throughout the year if you want any more details.

On another note - as any discussion of BJJ can take over my mind as you have just seen - I myself am someone who struggled with self doubt, self hated, anxiety and dark thoughts for many years. It took me awhile to get on top of it and now I live without it - though I am constantly aware it's still there and can come back at any moment.

Like Diabetes. If you check your levels and take your meds you can often live a life entirely "free" of the effects of diabetes but if you drop the ball it can come rushing back fast. My issues are like that. I feel entirely free of them. But I know I have to stay constantly on top of that like weeds in a garden.

Anyway the reason I mention any of that is I got on top of it not through any one thing but a combination of things. No one thing helped on it's own. I have to maintain a few things in my life and everything goes well.

One of those things in that my demons and self doubt and anxiety and inner negativity was always strongest at night. The "difficult time of day" as you call it above. So one life change I made was for me obvious and simple but powerful. I started going to bed a bit earlier and getting up a bit earlier. I am now in that Jokko Willink group of people who get up around 04:30. Which is relatively extreme of course.

Anyway it may not be for you. But if you find depression anxiety and negativity piling on you at night - consider perhaps an early to bed early to rise mentality. It does not have to be 04:30. But even an hour shift can have profound effects by knee capping the night time demons of doubt. And everyone benefits because if you get up at the same time as the kids you have the stress of getting them fed and out to school. Get up long before them and you can have much of that done before they even wake. Even their breakfasts can get better and healthier if you have time to make some effort before they get up looking to feed.

I find for me it also boosts sleep quality as my Garmin Watch shows me that my body is in "stress" to recover after work outs and the like. Which means in the morning after working out I feel alert and full of energy and craving good healthy foods. But if I work out hard late I can not sleep right and crave crap comfort foods. And even when I do sleep - my Garmin is showing me the sleep quality is rarely even near as good.

Thankfully late BJJ doesn't have the same effect on sleep :) It's generally if I work out hard at home or go for long runs. So I tend to keep that stuff for early morning and active sport like Martial Arts, Archery, Dance or horse riding for the evening/night.

In short (which I clearly never am) a simple hour shift in sleep patterns can knee cap the bad and empower the good in your life and routines. As Tom Waits sang in one of his songs "The night does funny things inside a man - old Tomcat feelings he can't understand".

Funny I was just considering re-watching that movie lately and wondering if my daughter is old enough for it.

Repeat my recommendation for the Warrior Kid books so. My daughter re-read them a few times. In one of the books the Navy Seal recommends the kid make their own "Warrior Kid Code" and I found her doing that off her own bat. And she decided recently to deal with a bully in her school in pretty much the exact way the kid deals with his bully in the book. By having her and her friends build him a bike as a gift. So quite the effect the book has had on us overall.

So quite the inspirational book and BJJ was one of the cores in it :) 5 books but to be honest 4 and 5 are just filler. But I've given the books to adults and it's inspired and changed them. But if you are considering getting into BJJ together they'd definitely be good books to read together.

The comment to avoid therapy is really ill advised.

Not everything has to look back to a detailed reason in the past or blame. counselling should never be a blame game. If it is, you’ve got the wrong counsellor.

A lot of people separate at this age, particularly those together a long time. You are not the same person you are when you met and neither is your wife. People grow apart and usually one realises it before the other. She’s done her grieving already.

your counselling should focus on who you are now, moving forward and the great future ahead of you. Positivity!

One of the best therapies is fresh air and nature. Get yourself a daypack, flask of tea, up early and out for a walk.

That was one of the first things I did! The Camino de Santiago. I only did the last 100km from Sarria and, instead of flying to SdC, taking the bus out to Sarria and walking back, I flew to Barcelona and got the train up to Sarria and walked from there.

The night before the train, I was in Barcelona and felt so alone. Looking at restaurants, at happy couples, and thinking how lovely they look and how I could never go in.

On the Camino itself, I met so many wonderful people. I never once felt lonely. If anything, there were too many people that I had to say goodbye to that I had built a connection with in such a short period. I ended up finishing a day early and was in SdC by myself for a few days, without the other pilgrims on the Camino, so was a bit lonely, but then took the bus to Porto, then headed home from there.

That November, then, I went to Nuremberg by myself for the weekend and, on the Saturday night, took the big step and went into a beautiful restaurant on my own, had a lovely dinner and had a great time. Now, I do the lot. Cinema, theatre, galleries, pubs, restaurants. Sometimes I am glad to be on my own because I don't have to worry about others enjoying the show or whatever.

I think the trick is to keep your self busy,

Your going to have a hell of a lot more time on your hands & instead of looking at that as a time that will make you lonely make it a time to try new things or get things done you never had the time for before,

Its hard to take on board now but your born alone you;ll die alone you need to make peace with being alone & not relying on others to make you happy, Focus on all the good things relationships bring like your kids & that but don't make them define who you are,

Keep off the drink ads much as you can it just leads to trouble in times like this , Give your self a year at least before you even start to think about dating ,

A huge issue for blokes getting out of long term relationships is the feel the need to jump striaght back into one to show they are doing "GOOD" & are "over " the previous partner, They feel like people pity them being alone, Don't fall into that trap , You might feel the urge & fair enough your only human but don't just fall into a relationship with the first women that looks your way,

Get your diet cleaned up & go work out, walking ,running, gym whatever you fancy but it'll give you a confidence boost

Best of luck & try to enjoy yourself,

Hi Op. You have received very sound advice here all of which I echo. I just pick up the urgency in your talk about finding someone else and being on your own.

At this period, you really do need to be on your own in terms of a relationship. You have a lot to process and are going through a grief process which isn't linear so that needs your full attention and isn't really fair to bring someone into your life while that's going on.

Focus on yourself, your children, your family, friends. This should be your time to focus on your wellbeing and being selfish with your time and energy.

In time, when you're well into your healing journey, you will be more available emotionally and mentally to meet someone else.

So for now, fill these new silent times with selfish things for yourself. Even something so basic like a bath night and a book and a glass of wine can feel like a self care treat.

If I could give you one piece of advice to put into a box for later it would be this:

When you get back out there, which eventually you will, go for women your own age group. Someone to share fun, sex, laughter and maybe love with and to have things in common. I see loads of men round my way , divorced and hooked up with a younger woman who, quite naturally, will want kids of her own. These guys look exhausted, running between 2 sets of kids, a lot of financial responsibility etc. I'd enjoy the kids you have, be as fully present for them as you can and enjoy your free time too. Loads of fab 40 year old women with one or two kids of their own - you could synchronise your kid free weekends and have a blast.

And if anyone thinks I'm being sexist or something, I'm female.

had a motorbike too and am tempted to get another one

GET ONE!
Honest to god, Riding motorcycles has to be the best thing a single man in his 40's can do, that or lifting weights in the Gym.

You’ll be very lucky if you manage that situation - splitting 50/50. A lot of men are left in a situation where they are finding the original house plus renting somewhere new, they usually can’t offers two houses so rent a room or a small flat with no space for the children so they just get to take them out at weekends. Fair play to your wife for being equitable.

Are you thinking of one person buying out the other I.e. one staying in the house. Does your wife work?