Marriage is over. What do I do now?

Sorry to hear this, really hope that you're doing ok.

Best advice I could give is not to even think about rushing back into the dating scene. Take the time to work on yourself, it sounds like you have been doing just that and have a plan in place which is a great start. Concentrate on your kids too, as you have said "be the best Dad you can be".

I'd always advocate for some therapy, you've just had a major change in your life and seem unsure what the future holds for you. Talking with a therapist can help you to understand and deal with this emotional shift that has just occurred.

Good luck with it all.

I scho the opinions above. Also, best not to have a new partner until the divorce is finalised lest your wife takes umbrage to that.

As I wrote earlier in another thread

1: eat well

2: exercise well

3: sleep well unaided: if aided do more of 2

4: be a positive contribution every day to family/friends/community/whatever

5: only interact with folk who have a positive influence on you, so friends who only lament with you don't cut it!

6: control what you do on social media and keep away from negative stuff, including radio TV news

7: live in the present, past is past and future, well we dont know

I would put some paperwork in place re the 50 50 deal because you need to cover off all the bases before dating again as a vengeful spouse, prompted by a lawyer, could get dates mixed up and suggest she moved out because you were….

You’re still young, plenty of time to cultivate a social life and eventually meet somebody. I wouldn’t advise going near dating apps or actively looking to date somebody until 6 months or so pass, and only then if you are ready. This is coming from somebody who has been the first person guys have dated post marriage break up - they’re never ready.

I recommened looking up solo events with Ecofitness. Nobody really dates from it, but it’s an excellent social platform for older people (35-55) to meet other single people. You go on one of the solo hikes or trip and then get access to the main whattsap group and regional ones where people post that they are going for a walk or drinks and whoever is free joins them. No pressure for dating and loads of people attending have been through divorce etc - it’s a great way to meet people of your own gender who are in the same boat. Loads of friendships form and it’s an avenue to socialise.
Other than that, you’re lucky you are doing 50/50 custody - a lot of men get every second weekend with their kids and a mid week evening and that’s it.

Go on a solo mini break to a European city. Take up a class if not a sport. Volunteer. Got to free events. Enjoy your alone time because one day you might be in a relationship again.

very sorry to hear op, i really enjoy our posts here, always very well informed, but id agree with all of the above, consider a therapist, its something i really should have done earlier in life, and id really have to agree with not dating for a good while, just rediscover yourself. you will go up and down and sideways for the next while, this is a very traumatic experience, this is to be expected, tons of really good youtube channels out there for advice, best of luck and look after yourself

Some good comments here. I'm going through a similar thing, splitting with my partner, house dog etc. no kids however. I'll be homeless in the near future which scares me. But I'll soldier through, I take heart in knowing that I'm not the first to experience this. I've plenty to give and if anything I've more freedom to give with. Losing the dog will kill me to my core… but I'll try see the little fur ball as often as I can. And I'll get another dog. Keep the faith brother. You're far from done.

You’ve made a great start.

No harm taking baby steps into the online dating scene. It might help kick start the moving on phase. Might take your time actually going on a date. But, see the ‘lay of the land’.

Therapy sounds like a great idea.

How’s work going?

It’s very natural to feel this way. It will take a lot of time for the feelings to change. Perhaps try not to pretend she’s coming home soon. Allow yourself to miss her and feel the feelings, but do accept that it’s over. That’s a big step.
Getting back into tennis would be brilliant - if you join a club as well as practice nights and leagues there is usually social events. Just getting out takes you away from wallowing and gives room for the feelings to lessen in intensity.

’Closure’ is difficult to define. But one thing is for certain you won’t find it if you are seeing her every day! It will be confusing for the children also. It sounds like a bit of a cake and eat it too situation (I don’t mean to speak negatively of your wife of course) - if you are in each others faces every single day and both looking after the children that’s not really a clean split. I understand you want to put the children first, but you won’t be a good parent if miserable and pining and they need to be secure in the NEW reality.

While I can get behind the idea of making choices to keep the kids happy - some moderation there is always advisable too.

A lot of people of course stay together "for the sake of the kids" and try to keep things on the surface as happy and normal as possible. But kids pick up on and process a hell of a lot more than we generally give them credit for. And such relationships maintained in that way - well meant as they are - can cause more harms than you might predict.

Now while you are not doing exactly that - it still pays to be congnizant of just how much ground you give and concessions you make in the interest of keeping the kids happy. Not everything you do for your own sake and your own well being and your own agendas and towards building your own new path into the future is going to be ideal for the kids. Nor should it be. Consider the cost of each concession to you as an individual and reconsider the ones where the price is too high for the gain. Kids are robust. They can take at least some hits due to the breakup.

As to your main question - what can/should you do with the 5 days "every other week" where you are both child and friend free - there is simply too many answers to that question potentially for anyone here to really give you any.

Of course it would be entirely out of character for me not to shout "Try Jujitsu" at this point because it is one of my main loves in life and the thing that has brought me more positivity than anything else. So I throw it in here tongue in cheek.

But the reality is - There are already numerous threads around the forum(s) here on topics like "What hobbies can I try" "How can I meet women" "How can I make friends" "What should I do with my life". I can tell you from my own experience that there - is - so - many - things. So much to try and do and learn and attempt in life. Worse many things you might not expect to like - or even positively expect to hate - until you try them and discover you love them.

Take horse riding for example. I half looked at that as something for either little girls - or people engaged in high level sports like racing and show jumping. Someone got me to try it though and I instantly became addicted. I had no idea I would love it so much. Nor the effects it would have on me physically and emotionally and so forth. I simply adore it. Especially since I combined it more recently with another of my loves - archery. It's hard to describe the feeling though of an animal that powerful under you - in the moments when you sync and it feels like you are "one" with them.

Until I tried it I simply had no idea.

You now have a life where for 10-15 days a month you have no real ties stopping you going out and just trying what you want. It's "you" time. You can relish it or rue it I guess. I can only tell you which I would pick in your position. Try it all. Stick to what you discover you like.

Finally the WFH issue. That could actually be one of the simpler things to deal with depending on your location and money and so forth. You might find it healthy to find a work space you can go to work in. A rented hot desk in a hot desking facitility. A local library. A mates house if his house is empty during the day and he has a desk or table you can use (two of my friends did this and it worked out extra well as the spare house had a stay at home alone dog in it so it helped both parties in the end). Or go into work some days in the week even if you do not have to. Or some combination of all of the above. I know one guy who goes one day a week from WFH to work in Bewleys cafe. Sometimes I myself (also WFH) go out and work in the kids Tree House :-)

Time is the only healer I think, and nights are the worst when your brain goes into overdrive. I maintain that any thoughts after 10pm should be taken with a pinch of salt. Tiredness and darkness increase my sense of paranoia, so I don't listen to my internal monologue.

In my past breakup I used to watch box sets until I was too tired to stay awake. Sometimes 4 or 5am, but it only lasted a fortnight before I could sleep at a reasonable time.

Remember BJJ is like a soap opera or TV series. Most people who are into it did not enjoy the first few episodes :) How often do we hear people say a series is great but you need to watch at least X episodes before you get into it. BJJ is usually very like that.

BJJ is life for me. But thinking back on my first few classes - and looking at newbies from a black belt teachers perspective today - its getting through the first few classes that is the biggest hurdle. Because you will inevitably feel terrible at it at first. Especially as many schools will allow you have your first full wrestle from the first class.

But definitely give it 10 or 12 classes before you decide if it's something you are into or not. Do let us know how you get on too. I may even know or have competed against your teachers - though of course you likely will not want to name your school for fear of doxxing yourself :)

Good luck with it either way.

avoid counselors or therapy - they dwell on the past and try to find a "reason". That then transposes into finding blame and that does no-one any good.

Best phrase ever - learn from the past, but never dwell on it.

Marriages end - people change - life moves on.

From friends who have separated, they joined a couple of clubs.

Rotary Club. Lions club, Toastmasters clubs (brilliant for building speaking confidence) - all have a very good social aspect and there are clubs all over the country

Park Run - this comes up so often as there's a great social aspect. You could blend this in with meeting up with friends from years back as there are park runs everywhere. You can also be a volunteer.

With the Kids - find a project that could take weeks to complete. EG creating a garden feature or building some giant lego contraption or bring them on a park run - again this can be somewhere else in the country and make a day out.

Awful situation and while you are torn about trying to move on and hoping it can be fixed just try to give it some time. It will sort itself out one way or another and while things may look set in stone now it can all change in a while.

She may realize what she lost and who knows what will happen in future.

One thing is certain, this kind of situation is tough and it is hard to deal with so stay positive and try to do few things you did not have time to do before.

I went through similar when I was the same age as you. Together 18 years, married 10, 2 kids.

It sucks, it really does. I had a life in mind and felt that life was snatched away from me. First things first, things will get better. Your wife and you will start to go on a different path and a time will come when you realise you are no longer the man from that relationship, and she is no longer the same woman. And you are not the one and only for each other now. My thought process went from "She will realise her mistake, come back to me, and we will get together again" to "She will realise her mistake, come back to me and I will reject her" to "I no longer care what she does, and I wish her every happiness".

Your future for now is being there for your kids. My ex and I went 2:2:3 on a weekly basis. It means I see my kids 11 days out of every 14. Sometimes only in the morning before school, sometimes only in the evenings after school, sometimes the whole day long. Being there for the kids includes making sure you keep things up at work, keep healthy, keep your home in good order. It's tempting to lie in bed until midday, eat chinese at midnight in your underpants, drink lots because you have a new found freedom. It isn't the best idea.

I also felt that part of my identity was being as part of a couple, and threw myself into dating, using apps. I came across as too needy as I wanted a stepmother for my kids, a lifelong partner to live with, and carried a massive chip on my shoulder about my ex. And that was just so intense that I had no success at all. I was deeply unattractive, given my state of mind. My advice to you is to leave that for at least a year. I only had any meaningful relationships (more than two dates with the same person) once I no longer cared whether I was in a relationship or not, just met up with some women to have a good night out and see what happens next.

You'll get there mate. Focus on the kids and living the best life for you. Try to make sure that the lad who goes to bed at night is a better one than the one who woke up this morning. Tomorrow always comes, even when it seems it won't, and it's always better than the day before when you look for the positives.

You can go with a small group also, there some really good irish ones!

The first time I went (Sarria to Santiago) I went with had only 5 people in the group and we are still in strong contact nearly 10 years later. The beauty of the small group is that you dont have to worry about luggage or anything, its ahead for you. All you need is to get up, hot shower and wonder if you can make it to the kit kat break stop or if the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain (there's a lot of rain in northern spain)

You can walk and talk with someone or take some time alone to walk with your own thoughts. Or a bit of both. Everyone had their own reasons for being there and it was great getting to know everyone. It was like free therapy. Every day it finished with a glass of whatever in a local spanish bar by way of achievement and by the time we walked into the Square in Santiago, it was overwhelming and very emotional, nothing to do with being religious at all. We met the some people on their way and their stories are humbling, really puts your own into perspective. And lots of laughter on the way, belly laughs.

At one lunch stop, we met a lovely Polish couple in their very early thirties. He had been diagnosed with six months to live, so they left life as they knew it and went on the Camino, one day at a time. They were already walking 9 months, so he said he said he'd already beaten the F*****. He was full of smiles and life. I often think about them and hope he made it to Santiago.

From the OP's posts and style, it sounds like something that would suit him when he's ready.

Listening to sad songs will make you feel sad! That is what they are designed for. If I am feeling low, I watch something that I know will make me laugh. Old Simpsons, Alan Partridge, that sort of thing. When I finish watching them, the problems which caused me to feel sad are still there, but I have had a good laugh in the meantime and it doesn't feel so bad.

You mention that you're doing, or are going to do 50:50 care with the kids, but also that you are going to have several weeks without them. Is that due to summer holidays? That's the ideal time to plan some solo travel. In the past five years I have been to Ukraine, Finland, Albania, Sweden, Estonia, Germany, Spain, Greece all on my own. I've also travelled with male friends during this period if someone fancies coming away. Getting these trips organised takes a bit of time, so uses headspace, and gives you something to look forward to.

Sitting on your own in a bar is no good, no better than sitting at home alone, but it's grand to go to a bar and talk to someone you don't know. But you just need to be cautious about the drink.