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He said it's too early for love after 5 months of dating - what gives?

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    #32
    Bogroll2003
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭Bogroll2003


    You seem to want very different things at the moment. It’s ok for him and for you, and doesn’t make either needy or whatever . But will cause issues.

    A lads holiday is boozy and full of clubs. No girl would be grand with her bf doing it, unless they want girly holidays without their fella coming ( and I presume you don’t, you want a holiday with this guy, which is fair enough). See, for it to be ok it should run both ways.

    Whatever label he or you attach to this, you know it’s not working for you. That’s all you need to know to make a decision.



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    #33
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,802 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149262#Comment_122149262

    Most people these days don’t need to be in love to sleep with somebody. If that is a prerequisite for you for intimacy, then you need to make that very clear going forward and hold off until that is established. You will find it tough to find people with the same outlook, but I am sure they exist.



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    #34
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 2,648 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    OP, please don't be disheartened by the negative comments towards you here.

    I think it's very harsh that you are being made out to be the problem.

    If he wanted friends with benefits, or no strings attached, he should have said so.

    Instead, he asked you for a relationship first, not the other way around. He sent mixed messages.

    Your confusion as to where you stood, is on him.



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    #35
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,039 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149083#Comment_122149083

    No, your needs and wants are not wrong. But bear in mind, equally, neither are his. If they aren't in sync that's when there's an issue, which is where you are.

    No matter the relationship, there are going to be times when one goes off on holidays with mates. Whether it be a week or two, or a weekend. In fairness in more long term relationships heading off on a two week holiday with friends becomes more unlikely. But you're going to have to come to terms with it at some stage whether in this relationship or another.

    Saying there'd be no way to check and writing it off as he'll definitely be with some one else is huge. You can't keep tabs on him. Either you trust him or you don't.

    You're right, you don't have to jump through hoops either to prove to him you should be his girlfriend. But 5 months in is still learning about each other and about finding out whether there's a relationship there or not. If being in a relationship means that other parts of his life have to change too, maybe that's why he's holding off on confirming anything.

    If you feel you're on two different wave lengths, that's exactly what the early stages are for - ie figuring that out and deciding if you're a fit with each other.



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    #36
    Bogroll2003
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭Bogroll2003


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149731#Comment_122149731

    I agree. His early actions and words aren’t matching his present behaviour. It was all sweetness and honey now he’s being stand-off ish.

    He’s a confused future faker, or probably had his fun now wants to move on because his holidays are coming.



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    #37
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 2,648 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149857#Comment_122149857

    He asked her for a relationship, then told her they were not boyfriend and girlfriend. That was misleading of him, and confusing for the OP who is clearly not experienced in relationships.

    I never commented on the holiday aspect of the OPs post, I'd need to know if the other people are going in couples first, but ultimately, its probably better for them both that it came up sooner, rather than later, as the OP now knows where she stands.

    To quote Barbie at best she is his “long-term, long-distance, low-commitment casual girlfriend.”

    Anyway, before the mods step in, PI/RI is not for discussion, it's for advising the OP, and I don't think she is as controlling as she is being made out to be, is justified in feeling hurt, and should not invest any more of her time in him.



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    #38
    marilynrr
    Registered Users Posts: 604 ✭✭✭marilynrr


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149083#Comment_122149083

    Sometimes needs and wants are wrong. If you need or want someone to not do certain things because you think there's a chance they might cheat then that can be controlling.

    Of course there are social norms for this kind of stuff and some behaviour of course should and tends to be adapted or stopped when someone gets into a relationship….not sending flirty messages to other girls for example, but going on holiday isn't something that needs to stop in a relationship.

    It would be one thing if you were living together with kids and he wanted to head on holidays for 2 weeks leaving all the responsibility to you, in those cases discussions need to be had and it wouldn't be controlling to have an issue with it, but in a relationship that's relatively new when you're both young expecting him not to go on holiday with his friends just in case he cheats is an unhealthy need/want.

    As for you saying to him that you don't think he loves you, it's kind of an odd thing to say if you hadn't said 'I love you' to each other. Do you love him? And if so had you said it to him?

    He's totally wrong however if he asked you to be in a relationship and now he's trying to make out you made up the relationship in your head, that's gaslighting. Yes it's possible he got spooked but he should end the relationship if he doesn't want to be in one or discuss things maturely, not make out you got it all wrong and you were never in a relationship.



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    #39
    bvc456
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭bvc456


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122150830#Comment_122150830

    I haven't told him I loved him but at this point if he asked I would have said yes. Actually it was more like 'imo if one loves his girlfriend he would take her with him' and then he said it.



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    #40
    HazeDoll
    Registered Users Posts: 504 ✭✭✭HazeDoll


    OP, I don't think he has behaved particularly well, allowing you to form the impression that this was a committed exclusive relationship and then telling you he doesn't see it that way.

    However, nobody can change his feelings or his behaviour and he didn't come to boards.ie looking for advice so you'll need to focus your thinking on yourself.

    Do you think there's a pattern to any of this? Looking at your other threads it seems you might have a habit of getting very emotionally involved very early on.

    To me it looks like you might be on the lookout for your one true love and you allow yourself to build a lot of hope and expectation with very little evidence that the other person sees things the same way. This will always lead to disappointment as no human being will ever be able to live up to the dream of perfect romance.

    As regards this specific relationship, you've told us the facts and they tell a clear story. He doesn't consider himself to have a girlfriend. He doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. You have very different expectations of things like holidays with friends. He might be a great guy but he's probably not for you.

    Let this one go. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it failed. Learn from it and move on.



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    #41
    Kurooi
    Registered Users Posts: 597 ✭✭✭Kurooi


    Maybe he likes it too casual for your liking, but a lot of your behavior is wrong, and it's also sending red flags. Controlling, possessive, entitled, jealous.

    You won't have luck with your future relationships either with that mindset. It doesn't make you a bad person - you just have to learn to give yourself and your partner some breathing room, and push away intrusive thoughts. This isn't attractive, it's not something people fall in love with, it's not a situation any sane person stick around for.



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    #42
    marilynrr
    Registered Users Posts: 604 ✭✭✭marilynrr


    Never accept a demotion in a relationship. You don't go from a relationship, girlfriend and boyfriend to just 'dating'.

    Loads of relationships run their course after 4 or 5 months and it sounds like this is over and has been going wrong for some time, you said he could be disrespectful and a bit mean and would try to put you down, you don't feel prioritised when he's with his mates, you've then been arguing a lot because you don't think it's ok for him to go on a 2 week holiday without you and you're worried he could cheat, he then ignored your text for 2 days, then came the demotion, and he's made it clear he's not that serious about you and his feelings aren't that strong and now you've unfriended him.

    Relationships are supposed to be fun!! When it stops being fun this early on that means you shouldn't be together.

    I am curious if you felt loved and secure in a relationship would you still think your boyfriend shouldn't go on holidays or night clubs without you because if so then you really need to work on those issues before you date again.



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    #43
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,122 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    My interpretation of this scenario is that he was genuinely into you and it was going well but you started to become dictatorial and obviously didnt trust him so he's started to have second thoughts. Lots of people would find 5 months in too soon for "I love yous". Your still just getting to know each other at that point. Issuing ultimatums about what they can do with their friends would make plenty of people re-think a new relationship.

    Backtracking on whether or not your official is immature on his part but my take is that he liked you but he's going off you and either hasn't the guts to just end it or is still debating in his head whether he wants to. But I think its over in any case. You're not suited.



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    #44
    SharkMX
    Registered Users Posts: 1,401 ✭✭✭SharkMX


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122154189#Comment_122154189

    Agreed. I think hes a young person looking for an exit now but trying not to hurt the other half and fumbling a bit instead of just pulling off the plaster. Quite common when you are young.



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    #45
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,608 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    You've come at this relationship with a lot of preconceived ideas about how he should feel, how he should behave, what he should want/not want to do, and are very nagatively interpreting his failure to live up to thise ideas.

    Perhaps these are related to norms in your culture. Perhaps this is heightened because this is your first sexual relationship.

    Apart from asking for a relationship and then saying you're not in one/not official,, I'm not sure has has done a huge amount wrong, and I can see why he'd be put off by somebody looking to (from his perspective) control him to a certain degree.



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    #46
    Doctorwhoshate
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Doctorwhoshate


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149083#Comment_122149083

    You're right there is no way to check, so best to move on as clearly this relationship is not going to work. For either of you



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    #47
    Katgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    This relationship is over OP. Am I correct that you're not Irish but he is? If yes, I would massively alter your expectations around your relationship getting priority over friendship circles or not get involved with anymore Irish men.

    Assuming you'd be included in a guy's social tradition is a social faux pas, sorry.

    His behaviour after this is immature and nasty; in truth I think he is gaslighting you.

    I would step well away now and have no contact. In this scenario you are running after him looking for things he doesn't want to give you - he will instinctively run away.

    For whatever reason he's clearly lost interest - the unanswered text is proof of that - there's nothing to be gained from trying to make him see your point of view.



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