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What's the etiquette here??

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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 878 ✭✭✭cbreeze


    You know you're a redneck if someone in your household says c'mere an look at this afore ah flush it ...



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 728 ✭✭✭JIdontknow


    An awful existence. Half water half debris, like washing out a bowl of half eaten coco pops in a sink. And then the hoop chafing to follow, feels like grinding valve seats on an old 2 stroke engine… Sometimes in this situation a little dabble of sudo works wonders, just "takes the edge" off things so to speak. Glad you and the sump plug are better, it's no laughing matter…



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Drawstring on his hoop is obviously perished, no elasticity, no 'snap' in the fcuker, just gone slack like the hood of a cheap anorak.

    That sod of turf you hoved up on was probably sluiced out from a cavity like the baggage delivery belt of an international airport.

    Sphincter exercises needed here JI otherwise its the sail repair needle required.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    While I'm at it and discussing golf club changing rooms, why do auld lads insist on swanning around the locker rooms with nobs like turkey drumsticks dangling in front of them.

    Fcuck sake a bit of respect here.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 728 ✭✭✭JIdontknow


    yeah I think so Brendan! Some back end kegal exercises should tighten up the undercarriage for the poor fella. Probably had a bit of a “knot” in a log that did the damage but not to worry the auld hoop ring is very versatile and recovers quickly, think of arse Pilates and some “crunches” but maybe avoid squats until the drawstring tightens up … you don’t want your hoop to turn inside out. It’ll be ok though don’t worry we are all with you.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 728 ✭✭✭JIdontknow


    I hear ya Brendan! I commented on this scenario previously, wild animals with their grey plumage and little chodes as they prance around tapping each other on the back in the showers saying, god Johnny that was a great 8 you had today on the index 1, a great “up and down”… oh thanks, I have “lost a lot of length off the tee” but the touch is still there and all this shite and they drying off and the chodes at eye level as you try put on a clean pair of socks… a rasher with the corner of a wet towel would be well deserved on some of them…



  • Registered Users Posts: 632 ✭✭✭Baba Yaga


    got "volunteered" to work security at a up-market function a few years ago,was told be great,double-time,youll enjoy it,best of eatables,nice people,great place blahblahblah anywho had to hit the facilities for a wizz,walked in,two lads at the pissers,hands behind heads,tuxedo strides and jocks near around the ankles and waving the 45gallon bellies in the general direction of the ceramics,pish fcukin everywhere,up-market me hole…co-incedently the midlands as well..what does be going through lads minds?supposedly "up-market" people…


    "They gave me an impossible task,one which they said I wouldnt return from...."

    ps wheres my free,fancy rte flip-flops...?

    pps wheres my wheres my rte macaroons,kevin?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,603 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Time for some (nsfw) music.

    @Baba Yaga a turd rolled in glitter is still a turd.

    Scrap the cap!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,430 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    Just after pinching off a sourdough into the pot in one of Pat McDonagh’s eatin’ houses. In very good nick. Clean, no arse sweat on the seat, 2 ply, solid wall to floor door.

    Great feed as well. Top class.

    Being young is a great advantage, since we see the world from a new perspective and we are not afraid to make radical changes - Greta Thunburg



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,156 ✭✭✭Lewis_Benson




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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,520 ✭✭✭An Ri rua


    Hadn't seen the dining / sh1tter combo. That's a nice upgrade and will certainly appeal to this group of craftsmen.

    Whereabouts?

    Aytin and sh1t-tin, food at S*perm*cs 🎵



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,603 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    What you did with that word makes it look like Sperm Cnuts ?

    Scrap the cap!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,875 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Maybe one of the regulars in here might take inspiration from this. Save the lads in Ringsend from tackling what is a thankless task.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,472 ✭✭✭✭dulpit


    Had need to use the facilities in local shopping centre today. The quality of toilet paper was abysmal, it was 2 ply but might as well have been 1 ply. I feel there needs to be a minimum quality that public facilities need to meet in this department. Everything else was top notch.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,493 ✭✭✭tohaltuwi


    Japanese toilet paper is the only way to go. Very dense, completely effective, rolls weigh a ton and last forever. Superbly efficient.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,520 ✭✭✭An Ri rua


    The rolls that play modesty white noise soundscapes are the best. Music sheets that hit the right note, one might say

    https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/s/zvmonucaCM

    https://www.reddit.com/r/mildlyinteresting/s/RMuyeHnTQg



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,520 ✭✭✭An Ri rua


    Quote

    "Had need to use the facilities in local shopping centre today. The quality of toilet paper was abysmal, it was 2 ply but might as well have been 1 ply. I feel there needs to be a minimum quality that public facilities need to meet in this department. Everything else was top notch"

    Have you brought this up with the political canvassers on the doorsteps?

    Hot issue and, let's be fair, they above all others excel at talking sh1t.

    Votail #2 if you want a national minimum ply.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,520 ✭✭✭An Ri rua


    Wouldn't that leave them with a taskless tank though?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,520 ✭✭✭An Ri rua




  • Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭PP Lee


    I definitely wouldn’t use it while I was still sitting. Just in case the maceration action creates a suction effect which could possibly lead to some horrific injuries 😳



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Sorry to hear that D, was at my ‘semi local’ shopping centre recently,and felt the need to ‘evacuate’.

    Trundled in to facilities and …perfect…row of shïtters with the doors ajar ..no grunting and groaning going on…all cool.

    selected the end shiïtter of the seven and pumped out a semi solid load of greenish midden which some folk might expect to cause a problem….fcuker swallowed the lot first flush….drew a soft wedge of arse wipe across the rusty rivet and ….er..then tidied up.

    Very satisfactory experience.



  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 5,164 Mod ✭✭✭✭spacetweek


    A little unusual for things to go so smoothly for you, Bendar. You been having All Bran and prunes for breakfast lately?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Good observation Mr. S, felt it was worthwhile giving credit where it was due.

    Wouldn't like to get a reputation for just spreading bile.

    Movements still a little 'rough' though, not time to break out the new Calvins just yet



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,430 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    12 pairs of 40” comfort fit keyhole briefs from Guineys for 20 quid would be more your thing, Brendan

    Being young is a great advantage, since we see the world from a new perspective and we are not afraid to make radical changes - Greta Thunburg



  • Registered Users Posts: 83 ✭✭CorneliusBrown


    wife went to the mercy hospital this morning and rang looking for shampoo and a comb and her dressing gown so rare enough I was over that side of the city and snuck in for a few pints beforehand around twelve. Now here is something new: young lad behind the bar told me he’d sort me out for the jacks after my pint was poured (took the lil bollix about ten minutes) and sure enough when he landed the pint on the counter he gave me a rotten little key like we were both characters out of Treasure Island. Couldn’t help it I was  laughing at this lad the whole time and he realised it. Awful looking yoke about 25 with one of those little moustaches they have these days and curly hair shaved at the sides. Looked like someone had slapped a few ‘tats’ on a calf and then shat on its head. Dunno why but I peered over the counter at one stage and nearly pissed myself when I ‘d seen  the inner platform of the bar was raised about three ft all over so the little brat giving me the hard stare, well in reality the top of his head would have been no higher than my nipples. As I say, he must have seen me laughing because the poor sop reached over the bar and planted his feckin key very firmly and kind of seriously in my hand like he was giving me a precious heirloom to pass on to his daughter. Awful smell off the key, not shite thankfully, but like rotten bandages or some puss and crust from behind an awl fellah’s ear is how I’d describe it.

    Anyway I go into the cube, checked the roll for spin, opened my belt, dropped the slacks to the floor, and shot out a plitter platter plitter platter of assorted excrement, looked like floating bits of antique furniture, finials, broken pediments, all wet ebony shapes in slick black bogwater. Strong smell of composted meat and iron, only for the fans so to speak, a little stomach churning even for myself. But then when  I go to wipe it was strange. I noticed instead of getting a stripe down the centre like you expect, my massive skelps of paper were coming back entirely plastered in thick black shite, edge to edge, corner to corner. In fact after twenty huge tamps I never saw a speck of paper, just shite, as if the whole of my bum, I mean the inside cheeks, the outer cheeks, the whole thing, must have been caked in shite. Had to start putting paper into the little bin as I was worried about blocking up the toilet and you start to panic.filled the bin up and had to start packing it down. Anyway, gave your man back his little key and went on my merry way.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Jeez!
    Bad experience there, dude .

    I always find the best way to sort out a snotty bar tender is to drop a loose load like a blown can of Sheridens Tuna Chunks over the pot, fizz out a well spread load,good wide ‘impact zone’’ and let the kernt clean it up.

    Only way dude…saves a lot of time too.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,430 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    Katherine Thomas is standing in for Ray Darcy and she had an arse doctor on to talk about the delicate subject of constipation.


    As anyone who has visited the Electric Vehicle, Radio, or Current Affairs forums can see, there are a lot of very “bound up” folks around.

    She said the main symptoms are less than 3 movements per week, a hard and dry stool, a feeling that you haven’t had a full evacuation, and even having to use your hand to manually extract the bolus.

    Most of the regulars here seem to have no issues with constipation at all, but is there anyone who keeps a box of disposable gloves on the cistern to deal with coaxing the snake out?

    Being young is a great advantage, since we see the world from a new perspective and we are not afraid to make radical changes - Greta Thunburg



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,493 ✭✭✭tohaltuwi


    Tends to be more of a female issue due to the longer narrower more twisted colon, also a lot of females have adhesions from endometriosis and hormonal variability which drives involuntary muscle from one extreme to the other. Women get more variability from one extreme to the other, sometimes if there is a blockage nature goes into overdrive and pumps it out with high force hosing, known as “overflow diarrhoea”.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,430 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    Down in Kerry for the past few days on a golfing trip.

    I’d like to apologise to the staff and members of Dooks Links for the unfortunate scene in cubicle 3 of the men’s jacks. The fried breakfasts, Guinness, crab claws, fish and chips diet catches up with you after a few days.

    Being young is a great advantage, since we see the world from a new perspective and we are not afraid to make radical changes - Greta Thunburg



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Fcukers deserve it, screwing the golfer with their green fees.

    Hope you blew a thick porridgy load all over the stall.

    Go up to Champs Supermarket in the Square and get a box of Imodium and a packet of

    Tenu high volume jocks and you are good to go.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,430 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    Golf Ireland rates available, Brendan. Makes things more affordable.
    Maybe give them a buzz and tell them you are the President of the Dublin Taxi Driver Pitch and Putt and Pigeon Racing Club for 2024 and see if they can do you a special price.

    Being young is a great advantage, since we see the world from a new perspective and we are not afraid to make radical changes - Greta Thunburg



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,430 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    State of this fücking thing. Fancy spot as well. Combines the worst of the Northern European and Mediterranean toilet designs. Say what you like about the Brits, but the lads in Armitage Shanks knew how to design a toilet to get rid of the heftiest shïte a pintman could lodge in it.

    Being young is a great advantage, since we see the world from a new perspective and we are not afraid to make radical changes - Greta Thunburg



  • Registered Users Posts: 83 ✭✭CorneliusBrown


    I may have done the tiling there. Dead serious. Lot of families around the city have me doing those tiles. On the toilet, I’ve a generous sized arse (wife calls me the snowman when I strip off) and I’d like to sit on that. I often find my arse is creeping over the sides of regular toilets like a damp heavy sponge perched on an egg cup. Do you have me? Did you sit on her?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Filthy kerntt



  • Registered Users Posts: 127 ✭✭Grouptherapy


    Could be the photo angle - but looks like the seat is off centre. Wouldn't take much to block that yoke. Bonus points for being clean with decent looking 2-ply though.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Could spray a generous gout of arse muck into that bad boy for sure.

    Would prefer if the pot was Landscape though iso Portrait…take care of rimshots and stuff.

    Most of the fizz goes sideways from the muzzle I'm told.



  • Registered Users Posts: 632 ✭✭✭Baba Yaga


    looks well enough appointed,be quite happy to take a relaxing dump on that…


    "They gave me an impossible task,one which they said I wouldnt return from...."

    ps wheres my free,fancy rte flip-flops...?

    pps wheres my wheres my rte macaroons,kevin?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,430 ✭✭✭Bobson Dugnutt


    Be ok if it was just a standard porridge for breakfast and plenty of vegetables sort of shït. If you’ve drank half a keg of stout over the preceding 4 days with the fried breakfast the next morning then it’s just not suitable. At all.

    Being young is a great advantage, since we see the world from a new perspective and we are not afraid to make radical changes - Greta Thunburg



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,030 ✭✭✭Slideways


    Well Bob you sound like you could do with some leafy greens in your diet.

    Maybe start by eating that sprig of parsley that comes out on the belly buster fry and go on from there



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    Two chances they’re S…. Fcukker is on a diet of carvery’s and warm stout.

    He has Mr Big an Tall down in Goatstown on speed dial.

    As Christopher said in The Sopranos ‘ Go fchuk yerself you fchukking parade float.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 83 ✭✭CorneliusBrown


    I know I’m new to the community lads but have ye thought about a meetup?

    Dropped a scutterly load of rock-hard, ebony-coloured globules into the pot there. Bit light headed afterwards like a hare after a plate of cat food and a dose of ketamine. Asked the wife to take a peek but she wasn’t having it.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,765 ✭✭✭✭Brendan Bendar


    You have promise Con, lads here wouldn’t be ready for any meet-up..

    There was one tried in 2023 but three of the 5 attendees blew sludge in the back seat of a taxi to Portobello on the way home.

    Took a ‘Go a go fund me’ campaign to take care of the damage.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,603 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    The medical profession will claim that anything between twice a day and twice a week is "normal" but I certainly would not like to be living at either of those extremes.

    A nice slippery well lubricated one on a 24h basis does the job, more clean up but is ultimately less stressful on the colon and hoop.

    Scrap the cap!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,603 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Good jaysus.

    How am I going to raise such a delicate question with my wife of almost twenty years?

    Scrap the cap!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,603 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    That's something I've had cause to worry about while visting some of our larger county towns, B.

    Where do they buy their jocks?

    I've spent many a pleasant week in Clifden for instance, but there's nowhere that sells pants. There's an Aldi and a Lidl but their keks are not the best, and obviously cannot be relied upon in a crisis, as they're only available on rare occasions.

    Having to navigate the N59 all the way into Galway city in desperate search for emergency kaks does not bear thinking about tbh.

    Scrap the cap!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,603 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Scrap the cap!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,789 ✭✭✭✭padd b1975




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 220 ✭✭Murt2024


    got some of That kitten soft 12 pack toilet paper in supervalue for 4 euro on special offer. Usually just buy the cheapest bog roll available, it’s amazing, super smooth and cleans more effectively. Will never go back to a generic brand again tearing my arse hole again and takeing ages to wipe. It’s actually a luxury.

    the thickness of it and comfort from wiping and the clean up job is quite frankly amazing.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,603 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    It's too important to be skimped on, Murt.

    Scrap the cap!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 220 ✭✭Murt2024


    It really is, not sure how I never gave myself that luxury. Can't wait for my next scutter!

    I'm like a man who tasted Steak for the first time!



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