Do I live in the moment or call a halt before it gets messy?

ElizaBennett · 04-06-2024 10:47am #1

Hi there, this isn't massively serious as an issue but has the potential to be. I've been single about 9 months and dating a lot. No great connections so far, until very recently. The problem is he's a LOT younger than me - we would basically be like the Macrons. He hasn't dated anyone so much older before, though he's been in a 3 year relationship and lived with someone. He doesn't ever want kids. I'm divorced with two kids in their 20s. I have my own house. He's back living with his parents since his relationship ended and is saving for a deposit, which he hopes to have together in the next year. He has a good job and is studying for a further degree. Neither of us planned this. It's only been going on a short while but I need advice now because there's no point getting in too deep if it's a terrible idea. People are incredibly judgemental about this stuff obviously - who can blame them. I don't feel there's a power imbalance - we both felt a little intimated by what the other had to offer at the start but we've resolved that and realised we just get on brilliantly. I suppose part of the reason is we don't want or need anything from each other apart from the lovely company and easy going attraction. We're extremely attracted to each other but it's definitely more than that. I've been on dates with about 15 guys this year, seen a few of them for a few weeks at a time, and this is the first time I've actually missed someone and thought about them when we're not together.

Is this incredibly stupid? My kids still live with me so he hasn't been to my home yet. It's my house - should I be able to do whatever I want, do I have to worry overly about how they feel? I'd hate them to be uncomfortable. I think my own Mum would be totally fine about it, she's very open minded. my siblings probably ok - but i know everyone would be talking about me and saying things like 'midlife crisis' etc. He's told one friend so far and said she was very supportive about it. I think even one ally on side would help a lot. Do I live in the moment or call a halt before it gets messy? I never see age gap couple like this out and about so I know it's rare. Is anyone aware of a 25 year age gap relationship?? Besides the famous ones…

Mod - Title edited for clarity.

Beta Ray Bill · 04-06-2024 3:31pm

Hey OP

I remember when I was younger about how young a person could be that you could date.
Basically half your age plus seven

So if you're 40, you could date a 27 year old
50, 32
60, 37
etc

There is some "value" in that, I suppose.

25 years is a big gap. But if you're happy, then just be happy together. People will probably talk but f**k it, all you want is to be happy.

Just be mindful though that he may want to do things that you might have done 25 years ago but would have no interest in doing now. (Like Skydiving of travelling or something along those lines)

For what it's worth I dated a woman who was about 10/15 years old than me, and this is where we got caught out. I wanted to do things that she had already done many years previous.

LessOutragePlz · 04-06-2024 3:43pm

Hey OP,

My sister is happily married for the last 4+ years to a man that is over 20 years older than her.

Like the previous poster said people will probably gossip about it but that's a part of living in Ireland some people love to talk about other people's lives.

Maybe sitting down and chatting to him about your future together should be the first step?

See if you're on the same page and want the same things out of life.

I wouldn't end it just over the age gap if you're attracted to him and enjoy his company.

It's also worth thinking about what would happen if you do decide to end it, are you prepared to go back out in the dating world and date another 10+ guys to find one similar but a bit older to the current guy your seeing?

xyz13 · 04-06-2024 4:37pm

Would you entertain the idea of your 20yo son bringing home a 45yo?

Dial Hard · 04-06-2024 4:43pm

The half-your-age-plus-seven thing is a reasonable yardstick, imo. You'll always hear examples of couples with much bigger age gaps who have stayed the pace, of course, but they're outliers, for the most part.

If this guy is closer to your childrens' age than your own, I'd be inclined to leave it, tbh, for many reasons.

bucketybuck · 04-06-2024 4:46pm

Would you let friends and peers your own age hook up with your children?

Calahonda52 · 04-06-2024 4:55pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122219877#Comment_122219877

Has absolutely no bearing on what the OP is asking.

OP you need to trash this out between the two of you as to what you both want from this.

Having dated older women myself, I can see how it would work well, IMO much better than the reverse!

Some quick thoughts

The older he is the less of an issue, if he is the same age as your kids then they might struggle with it, unless they are mature enough to see that what is most important is your happiness and well being.

Given that the laws of probability will say that you will pre-decease him, and if you get married, you need to think about estate planning in the context of what you have in mind for your kids and what your kids [unspoken as of now] expectations are: perhaps they see you as The Bank of Mama.

Keep well and be happy and enjoy life

Augme · 04-06-2024 4:58pm

Stages of your life matter. 25 and 50 years old presents a much different and more challenging dynamic than 40 and 65 year olds. I'd be sceptical of believing someone in there 20s who says they don't want kids too. That can easily change. For me, I'd have no interest in seriously dating someone in their twenties..I could stand the idea of having to interact with their friends, nights out with them, weddings etc. I'm too old and boring for that sort of carry on.

I'm not necessarily saying finish it, I do think it could work if you both agreed to keep your family and friends lives as being separate and where happy with that. You do really need to consider what your kids will think as well, they could really take this quite badly.

YellowLead · 04-06-2024 5:57pm

It depends what you are looking for. If you just want dating and enjoyment and fun without worrying about where it will go long term - plough on. It’s not impossible but it has VERY little chance of surviving forever - given how young he is he will probably want to do things like travel etc, and you’re probably more tied with a job and a mortgage. Also the money thing - there’s clearly a massive imbalance there if he is living with parents - be careful he doesn’t just see you as a ticket out of living at home because that’s common these days.
Plenty of guys can’t imagine having kids in their 20s but they change their minds 30s/40s.
The last thing I’d be worried about is what other people think though! If it feels right to you and you are enjoying yourself then plough on. But just be cautious of making forever plans on your own head - relationships where the man is much older have a better chance of survival and that’s why you hear of them more commonly. It’s not impossible though and you can be your own judge of how equal this thing is.

NiceFella · 04-06-2024 7:26pm

Its all down to what you want in a relationship OP. If it's someone you want to grow old with, then this certainly isn't the one for you.

Love generally isn't pragmatic. But In reality, where is this going? A fleeting experience until he decides the gap is too big in a few years time? All the while, a potential serious rift with your own kids plus the fact that his family might not take a liking to it either.

Personally, I think you also have more to lose. He has his youth on his side and he can change his mind at any stage.

Have a bit of fun by all means but I can't see you going far with this unless it's a very special connection.

bucketybuck · 04-06-2024 7:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122219939#Comment_122219939

I believe it does have a bearing.

If as a mother she would be uncomfortable with her daughter dating a man in his 50's, if she would rather protect her daughter from that unequal scenario, then how can she ethically turn around and pretend that what she is doing is any different?

If she has no problem with a guy in his 50's just having fun with her daughter and not worrying too much about where it goes then at least there is consistency.

Another question is that if her mid 20's son or daughter said they didn't want kids, would she really take that as gospel or would she know that as the 30's approach that their opinion could very likely change? Because if she knows that, then how can she tell herself that this lads opinion won't likely change?

She just needs to be honest here is all I'm saying. Does she actually believe this is a good thing or just letting desire overrule reason.

And lets be honest. She lives in her house with her kids, he lives with his parents. Of course there are huge imbalances there.

zoobizoo · 04-06-2024 8:00pm

How did you guys meet?

To a guy in his 20s, who hasn't seen much of the world, an 'older woman' might seem an attractive proposition.

But look to the future...…when he's 40, you'll be retiring.

When he's 50, you'll be 75.

As for him never wanting kids, well, no friend of mine really wanted kids in their 20s... many met someone they wanted to have kids with in their 30s... or met in their 20s and had kids in their 30s.... Obviously there are those who never want kids - what are his reasons?

What's his social life like?

thefa · 05-06-2024 1:23am

I’m guessing this is all quite recent based on the above. At best, I’d be keeping it fairly quiet and keeping it casual for now. Easy to get swooned in the early stages of a relationship and hear all the right things. See how you both feel after a little while more.

3DataModem · 05-06-2024 2:21am

It's likely to burn out, and you know this, but why let it burn out early? Enjoy, be vulnerable, be in love, and then if you become the magical exception - it's a miracle. If it's not, you have incredible memories.

ElizaBennett · 05-06-2024 9:39am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122221265#Comment_122221265

Thanks, i guess this is how I'm feeling about it right now. Mainly because of the aforementioned 15 plus first dates since January and numerous chats via apps. I'm just excited to have clicked with someone. We met through an app because we were both very open minded re age parameters/ settings so got matched that way.

To address some issues and questions:

I don't want to ever live with someone again so there's no question of me being his meal ticket or way out of living at home. Like I said, he's saving hard for a deposit and has his own life plan.

I am absolutely not a hypocrite re my own children's choices and I absolutely trust their judgement. My son is 27 with mental health difficulties, autism and a challenging personality. I believe an older woman with her own life would be a great choice for him and I would love that to happen. But I don't want to make them uncomfortable in their own home and I'm hesitant to invite this guy there. In some ways I think people would more easily accept it being a casual sex / fwb thing than a serious relationship. I have no idea how we even look together. I look about 10 years younger than I am, but he only looks his age so we definitely look like there's at least 15 years between us.

I'm not talking about forever. On my own wedding day I wasn't thinking forever tbh. I'm a realist. It's arguable who's most vulnerable here. I don't believe it's me. And yes, it's really about being happy in the moment but I guess with the vague hope that it could even last. I just wish the few friends I've told wouldn't look at me like this is just a joke.

Apiarist · 05-06-2024 9:52am

Don't listen to anyone, listen to me ;) If you are comfortable with the guy, go for a full relationship. Obviously, don't setup the joint bank account yet. But if you are still together in 5 years, the wedding is not out of the question either. Yes, it may scandalize some people, and you will be judged for the age difference, but remember, people love harmless scandals like this and love gossiping, so don't mind if they entertain themselves with tales of your adventure.

ElizaBennett · 05-06-2024 10:36am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122221937#Comment_122221937

Thanks, I appreciate the positive outlook on this. It's something you just don't see though and there are reasons for that. I just feel he's an exceptional and unconventional person, as I am.

On the question of mutual interests and activities, I'm not sure if he has desires to go skydiving but he's very welcome to go do that without me lol. I'm not interested in living in his pocket. No I probably wouldn't socialise with his friends but wouldn't completely rule out meeting them in small numbers maybe. His biggest interest by far is gardening / nature/ plants but we both also like alone time and understand that about each other. I think it's patronising to say that a person is going to change their mind about not wanting children. Two of my family members never wanted them and stuck with that. Of course he could change his mind but I'm not sure that's a reason to reject the relationship now.

YellowLead · 05-06-2024 12:58pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122221885#Comment_122221885

I wouldn’t worry about how you look together and what strangers might think even one little bit. That matters zero.

What does matter is how compatible you are regarding life stages and if you are cool with it most likely not being long term then rock on, no need to introduce him to your children yet.

ColmDove · 07-08-2024 1:01pm

I would think the important thing is just to be honest with each other about your wants are in the present and your expectations for the future. Do you see your relationship changing from what it is now?

Are you exclusive with each other, do you think you'll remain exclusive (or are you both happy to see people outside the relationship at the moment, but may want to close that off in the future)

You probably know yourself how much a person can change from their 20s through to their 30s and 40s.

IF you're both happy, and honest about your relationship with each other, and are happy to take what comes in the future, then why not keep it going. All relationships can get messy.

Do I live in the moment or call a halt before it gets messy?

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