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My wife had an affair, A long time ago.

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Comments

  • #62
    Andrea B.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,009 ✭✭✭Andrea B.


    Hi. Your second paragraph above puts a better perspective on things.

    I may have missed that level of remorse before. It helps I imagine.

    Wishing you strength and all the best.



  • #63
    yourdeadwright
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,953 ✭✭✭✭yourdeadwright


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122269475#Comment_122269475

    She lied for years , not one but multiple years not about something that happened on a drunken night but something that was on going, She had to literally put a huge amount of effort into lies & deceit for years to pull it off ,remember for it to go undetected she'd have to be lying to more people than just her husband,

    You you think she is some beacon of the truth because she came clean, What prompted her to come clean, She'd fall right into the bracket of how do you know shes lying, her lips are moving,

    Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me,



  • #64
    PaulPog
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭PaulPog


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122270337#Comment_122270337

    Exactly, even thinking about the amount of lies you'd need to tell over that period is exhausting.

    "Honey you're on the phone a lot to this colleague, are we OK?"

    Her "yeah it's just work stuff, don't worry".

    "Honey you've entirely changed your shift pattern lately, you used to love mornings, what changed"?

    Her "im getting older, I just prefer a lie in these days".

    "Honey we're having less sex now, what's up"

    Her "You're a bad husband and im perimenapusal, stop bothering me.

    And on and on...

    And the only reason it ended was because the guy she was cuckholding him with got bored, not because the guilt or love for her husband got in the way, so I'm not sure the crocodile tears count for much now.



  • #65
    anon0001
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 ✭anon0001


    OP, sorry to her about what you're going through. I haven't experienced it myself, but I can only begin to imagine how it must tear your world apart.

    First of all, I'm of a similar age to yourself and finalised a divorce some months ago. It's a long difficult process, it's definitely not to be taken lightly. But now I'm through it, the pain is receding and I've even started meeting a lovely woman, taking things very slow. So even at "our age" there's always the option to change direction if you do decide that.

    I don't know you and I'm certainly no expert in mental health, but do you think maybe there might have been a touch of depression in you during your low period? I suppose it doesn't matter a lot either way, but it would hurt me that my partner was so disloyal and opportunistic when I was suffering. If you found yourself in a similar condition again, could you be 100% confident that she wouldn't do the same? The 3-year duration is the biggest red flag for me. There are marriages that don't last that long. Even if I believed her now, that would tear me apart over time.

    I would disagree with some of the previous posters here, I firmly believe there's no valid excuse to cheat and it can't be excused retrospectively (or seen as "what's done is done") just because sufficient time has passed. In her position the right thing to do would have been to discuss her concerns with you, push for counseling (couples or individual), even make it clear that the situation was a serious threat to your relationship. After that, she could have justification for ending the relationship, but still not cheating. Unless I've missed it, she doesn't appear to have done any of that.

    I suppose I'm saying that in your boots, with the experiences I've had myself, I'd take some space for myself, away from my wife, and consider my options. Counseling might help clarify your thoughts/feelings. This might be the biggest decision you'll make for the coming decades of your life. I wish you the best whatever you choose to do.



  • #66
    mykrodot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,022 ✭✭✭mykrodot


    To be honest reading your last few posts OP, you're getting on grand, have a physical relationship and like each other. You say she is very remorseful and cries about it every day……….seriously?? 12 years after a 2 year affair she never told you about, SHE is the one crying everyday???

    It sounds like you have forgiven her and you will stay together. The rest of the stuff is just in your head, you can play it over and over and over again, wreck your head for years, but if you don't have that "**** you for cheating on me for 2 years" reaction in your gut then you will stay together. If someone cheated on me it shows a lack of respect and if someone doesn't respect me its goodbye.

    We can all give our opinions here and we have (I could never stay with someone who cheated on me, even if it was just once!) but your words and language are not angry, if anything they are passive………….so it's over and out from me as this could go round and round in circles .

    You've only got one life, make sure YOU are happy with your choices. Good luck.

    (as for rating yourself a 10 and herself too, that's just weird. I have never had problems with the opposite sex but would never even begin to put a rating on myself, or anyone else)



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  • #67
    xyz13
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 375 ✭✭xyz13


    As the saying goes: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... 3yrs is a long time OP, she can't be trusted.

    *I should have given her more of my time and attention but she should have demanded it of me pointing out how low she was, instead of being open to some compliments and attention from another guy, until a time, either he messed it up or I was the one giving compliments and enough time to her which made her to see me as the one with the spark instead*

    Read it back.

    There's a terminology for this attention seeking behaviour but I won't go there...

    ✨ Carpe Diem✨ 🌎✈️🌍 36/193



  • #68
    JoChervil
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,073 ✭✭✭JoChervil


    OP, from my observation a person betrayed especially over a long period of time knows in theirs "guts", what's going on. Only they don't want to become aware of it because they would have to make their decisions then. It is not a conscious action. They pretend nothing happens because they are not able to deal with it then, they are not strong enough. Others observing them think they are stupid or naive, while they are not, but subconsciously they are turning their blind eye to get to a better place. And guess what? When they get stronger they suddenly see it or they are able to confront it.

    After 12 years can you tell what happened then and which was the right chronology of events. Can you exclude that you were in a bad state because you might have felt she was cheating?

    In later life authenticity is more important than attachment. Now you are ready and want the real connection. You want to see the truth even at the cost of your relationship. Therefore I don't think it was just accident that you asked. You are ready to deal with it now and are gathering all help you can, even here. It wasn't also an accident that she answered.

    I think you both are ready for a proper counselling. Without it nothing will change. She will keep crying and it will keep eating at you.

    Only you know if it is worth the effort.



  • #69
    LetticebCivil
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 310 ✭✭LetticebCivil


    I would also be getting paternity tests done to be sure.



  • #70
    Timestamped
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22 ✭Timestamped


    Hi OP,

    I feel every bit if what u have posted. I don't want to thread hijack but tge same literally happened to me. Six years ago whilst setting up a new phone for my wife one lunchtime I received messages from her female lover. In fact I followed their interaction for over an hour through the messages. I was completely devastated, it shattered every dream I ever had. I don't want to take iver yiur thread but I am now at the stage where I don't believe I love her anymore. I think I just plodded along for the sake of the kids. I (think) I am still youngish at 46 and now the kids are nearing end of school I can't see myself being here with her. Life hasn't really changed for her but everything has changed for me and it has taken me 6 years to realise this.

    Anyway, only you can decide what to do?

    You only get one life



  • #71
    cj maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,068 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261498#Comment_122261498

    yeah, it’s all about her . Get out



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  • #72
    bb1234567
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,513 ✭✭✭bb1234567


    It's a shocking story I have to admit. But at the end of the day you need to be pragmatic too, it's a valuable thing to have strong romantic and sexual connection in your 50's for many it's reduced by then, not to mention going out dating again at that age is an uphill struggle. I think if you're happy, that's the more important thing. We see beyond people's sometimes very large flaws with mothers, fathers to maintain relations and I don't see why it can't apply to spouses. I know my opinion may not be popular here, but like you I am able to see past flaws and wrong doings of others without being obsessive of them, so I could be happy in that situation, and it sounds like you could be too.

    But, you also need to be smart here. She is good at lying and it seems to not really phase her doing it. Be careful with finances and privacy about certain things. I think with her investment of time in you and that showing in the form of your close connection, indicates to me her remorse may well be geuine. So I think it allows for enough trust to have a satisfying relationship. Again I may be in the minority here, I know for some it's either full trust or nothing. But I think it's a bit naive in itself the concept, the reason they may fully trust their spouse is because there hasn't yet been a reason to not distrust them. Is is true trust or an illusion of it for many?



  • #73
    Apathy_Anger
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12 ✭Apathy_Anger


    Thanks for the advice and words to chew on,

    So, I'm a good few months down the road and we're still at home, far more good than bad days but as these days go on, the sense of betrayal is taking hold, the story has changed very little but has had a few emotions of then added which carry huge weight, I've gone from being fairly sure we'd stay together, to not sure, to starting to not really care.

    We're still very physical which is great for (what i do believe is) honest chat after but it doesn't fix the actual problems, we as a family have quite a few things on in the next 6/7 weeks and after that I think a decision will have to be made.

    The other guy has recently moved job to near my work and from not seeing him in over 7 years, I've been seen him 3 times in 10 days and yesterday he saw me up close and looked quite nervous, one of those times he was with his wife and kids and while not wanting to cruelly hurt her after so long, I feel I will say something to her if I see her again as apparently she knew something was going on, but my guess is he'll keep her away from there from now on.

    I may just have a fear of walking away after so long and restarting but I do now think, self respect and worth is starting win out.



  • #74
    Squatman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,630 ✭✭✭Squatman


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122564329#Comment_122564329

    if i were you, and maybe its immature, id be peeing on my corner, say to the lady in front of the husband "i must talk to you when you get a private moment" - you should never see them again.



  • #75
    farmerval
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 723 ✭✭✭farmerval


    Hi OP.

    In your opening post you say that your wife cooled toward this other man when she saw his "true colors", not when she felt guilty about cheating on you. You also say that when she stopped seeing him, things improved a lot between you.

    While you have equated the time she was cheating as a time when you were at a low ebb, is it equally true that if your partner wasn't in a clandestine relationship she may have been more available to support you? In a weird way did it suit her justification for the affair that you weren't in you're best space?

    On top of the fact she cheated on you for a long time, and that she didn't end it out of any consideration other than he fancied a newer model, she later decides to burden all of this onto you? How did she think that would help anyone, other than her? The reasoning that she would tell you "if you asked" is really strange. She didn't tell you because she couldn't carry the burden of it, she didn't tell you because you deserved to know, but she decided that if you ever asked she would tell you?

    The only value that any of the questions or observations above have is that somewhere in you're mind you will have to square away all the aspects of what has happened. You've said that the last two years of your relationship have been the "best ever", now you will have to figure out if you can you live with this situation.

    The only available outcomes to your situation are;

    a. That you accept what happened and are able to move on and live happily ever after.

    b. That you split up with all the attendant pain and emotional and physical hardship that entails.

    Everything else stems from these two options, but there is no guaranteed outcome from either option.

    In option a, you might get over the issues, maybe with counselling or whatever helps and you're relationship continues to be fulfilling in every way, or maybe you can't get over it and stay anyway, and have a lingering bitterness or doubt or whatever gnawing at you for the rest of your relationship.

    In option b, you spilt up, and here there are other possibilities, you could both in time end up in new loving relationships, neither of you might meet another partner that you are as happy with, or one will and one won't, or whatever. No-one can predict any of these outcomes until they happen.

    None of the outcomes are good. Your wife's decision to come clean has taken you from the "happiest two years of your life" to here, where every outcome comes with massively difficult decisions and huge uncertainty. Quite simply I assume this is the greatest upheaval imaginable in anyone's life.

    Best of luck OP, to get yourself completely at ease with whatever decision you come to will probably take a long time, hopefully you will reach out to whatever resources you can to help you make your decisions. This is probably one of those things that you can only discuss with a very limited amount of people, a very close friend or sibling maybe, but you probably need to really talk it out, get all the bits out and chew them around before you see a consistent answer to your questions.

    Be kind to yourself at all times in this, it's not an easy path ahead OP.



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