Wife obsessed with male (gay) friend - marriage on the brink

I'm not.

Even if this was a female surely the amount of time spent eating and chatting goes way over and beyond tutoring a teenager?

And if this"gay male teacher" wants to go to Ireland and stay in the OP's house why does he need to be chaperoned by OPs wife? What age is he? Can he not find the house himself and find his bearings? Most of us travel everywhere and anywhere, we have Eircodes, Google Maps, we don't need our hand held as adults or to be "shown around". Bearing in mind OP's wife is leaving him and his 3 teenage kids in order to do this……then is coming back and immediately going to a concert with the teacher?

Give me a break! Even if this was a female most husbands would be raising eyebrows and asking what the hell is going on. And I am a female!

See you point babyreignbow but at the end of the day this is a man not a woman, what if he swings both ways I think I might be concerned myself.

Would It also be OK for a middle aged married with children man to befriend a young lesbian woman, including heading off for weekends away with her and concerts? Wife speaks up and he accuses her of being controlling. Does that sound OK?

I'm honestly not being a smartarse here but are you sure he's gay and it's not her covering for herself? This seems way over the top platonic relationship or not. I don't think your overreacting at all. You need to have a long sit down with her and explain that this guy is getting in the way of your marriage. It's certainly not normal. Inviting him to stay, spending hours with him, going to gigs with him because you wouldn't be interested? I've been to lots of gigs I had no interest in with my wife and vice versa we just went to have a night together. I think ending the marriage is a bit premature but some serious boundaries need to be set and does he not realise that it's strange to be spending so much time with a married woman with no interaction with her husband? A long sit down with her is urgently needed and if she doesn't understand there's an issue something seriously isn't right and maybe professional help might be needed with a marriage counsellor maybe.

Gay straight or not he's interfering in a marriage. He must realise the two are spending a bit too much time together. If I was the friend I would have invited OP to the gig as a friendly gesture, not get in the way of the anniversary and say to her go enjoy your annivarsary we'll meet up next time. This friendship has more red flags than sports shop ffs.

You're assuming he's 100% gay and not bi at all. That seems naive. I know several men who presented as gay when we met, but who have since had relationships with women.

But even generally, if we had someone coming in supposedly to tutor our kids and who was spending more time hanging around with my o/h than with the kids they were meant to be teaching, plus there was a whatsapp thing going on that I was excluded from, and then going on holiday with them etc etc - TBH no matter what the sex of the respective participants I'd find that more than a bit much.

That's way more than a "friendship". It sounds like a teenage style crush. Not appropriate for a married person, even if it's not sexual.

I don't know whether going straight to "ending the marriage" is the right response, but for sure some honest talking is needed, and it sounds as though it may require some level of help or counselling to do that.

Maybe it's just me but i would have the same reaction if the OPs wife was behaving the same way with a straight woman. It's about the interference in the marriage. My best friend happens to be a woman and men who she might start seeing don't seem to like that mostly. So when she get's in a relationship I take a step back. We see each other every day but no way would I meet her every day if she was married with kids. The friend here should be thinking to himself that maybe I'm a bit in the way here sometimes and cut back on the amount of time they spend together. That doesn't mean they can't be friends.

If she had a new female friend that she was having the sort of overly-intense friendship the OP described then I'd really think that was weird. What's the point in being married if your most intense relationship is with someone else entirely - and especially when it's not even an old friend with whom she might have a history from before she met her husband, but someone she's only recently met?

The thing about the Whatsapp group is not because I'd normally expect someone to share personal conversations, but this was allegedly the kids' tutor, so why was the husband excluded from the off? Sounds frankly bizarre.

You need to read the OP again, you're way off in your statements.

Everyone compromises friendships when they get married and have children. Sure most men would like to head out with the lads every weekend but married adults knows that would be incredibly selfish and immature.

If he's such a great teacher, why was he let go by the school? What was the falling out?

Just wondering if it was a boundaries issue with colleagues etc.

Then consider perhaps, that you shouldn't proffer advice to the OP.

"He didn't say he was coming in tutoring their kids…"

He did. you need to read more carefully before you respond.

OP, this looks like a very tricky situation. As you have probably seen here, if you intervene it will be very easy to depict you as a controlling partner. However I think that most people, if they're honest and really try to imagine themselves in your shoes, can absolutely see why you're so upset.

Nobody here knows the history of your marriage so it's almost impossible to give advice.

Here's what I would suggest.

First, have a long think about whether there is something else at play here. Is this really about the friend or might there be some other resentment on the boil? There might be something you need to address either with yourself or with your wife.

If you can confidently rule that out, be very careful in how you approach this with your wife. Be really clear with yourself and with her about what exactly the difficulty is. I would say that you should avoid at all costs broaching the subject of infidelity. It seems unlikely that any infidelity has taken place and it's a very incendiary topic to introduce if you're trying to fix things. Focus on the fact that she has suddenly begun prioritising this chap and, to a certain extent, excluding you.

It's entirely possible that she is excited and energised because she feels she has made a proper friend. It's also possible that she has a crush on him, which will burn out soon enough. Whatever you do, don't attempt to 'impose boundaries' or lay down the law. That will make him look like an even more appealing prospect, whatever her true feelings for him might be.

It's massively important that you lay out the issues you have with this situation. While this tutor presumably realizes that you are unhappy with the situation, he doesn't have any responsibility to you, your wife on the other hand does.

If you lay out your stresses and anxieties about what's going on and your wife dismisses them, then she's simply saying your discomfort is much less important than what she's getting out of this. You need to be very careful about how you lay out how this is affecting you, you probably need to give some time thinking about it yourself, and separate the different strands of this, is the thoughts/possibility that he's not gay and your wife is being unfaithful? Is it that she prioritizes having him in her life over your discomfort and probably other things? Has she abandoned other friends for this relationship?

To tackle this and get your own feelings straight you need steady ground beneath your feet, and understand your own feelings and distress at what is going on.

Best of luck OP, this may be nothing, but also may be a bad sign for your marriage. If a partner in a relationship ignores the distress they are causing their partner it's never a good sign. Right now it sounds like that is what your wife is doing.

And if the husband was lavishing this time and attention on a younger female? What would you advise his wife?

Why not? Sauce for goose etc. If I was to tell my wife I was hanging out and going to gigs with a younger "gay" fame acquaintance, I would be looking for a lawyer, and rightly so

This, all day long. It also sounds like OP has a wife who would not be averse to an affair either.

OP, you might as well ask her straight out if she wants a divorce instead of playing you for a fool.