Wife obsessed with male (gay) friend - marriage on the brink

No it's ok, I read it. I'm just used to not having to compromise friendships for another person. I'm probably too familiar with too many gay men aswell and I understand that's not everyone experience.

Everyone compromises friendships when they get married and have children. Sure most men would like to head out with the lads every weekend but married adults knows that would be incredibly selfish and immature.

If he's such a great teacher, why was he let go by the school? What was the falling out?

Just wondering if it was a boundaries issue with colleagues etc.

Then consider perhaps, that you shouldn't proffer advice to the OP.

"He didn't say he was coming in tutoring their kids…"

He did. you need to read more carefully before you respond.

OP, this looks like a very tricky situation. As you have probably seen here, if you intervene it will be very easy to depict you as a controlling partner. However I think that most people, if they're honest and really try to imagine themselves in your shoes, can absolutely see why you're so upset.

Nobody here knows the history of your marriage so it's almost impossible to give advice.

Here's what I would suggest.

First, have a long think about whether there is something else at play here. Is this really about the friend or might there be some other resentment on the boil? There might be something you need to address either with yourself or with your wife.

If you can confidently rule that out, be very careful in how you approach this with your wife. Be really clear with yourself and with her about what exactly the difficulty is. I would say that you should avoid at all costs broaching the subject of infidelity. It seems unlikely that any infidelity has taken place and it's a very incendiary topic to introduce if you're trying to fix things. Focus on the fact that she has suddenly begun prioritising this chap and, to a certain extent, excluding you.

It's entirely possible that she is excited and energised because she feels she has made a proper friend. It's also possible that she has a crush on him, which will burn out soon enough. Whatever you do, don't attempt to 'impose boundaries' or lay down the law. That will make him look like an even more appealing prospect, whatever her true feelings for him might be.

It's massively important that you lay out the issues you have with this situation. While this tutor presumably realizes that you are unhappy with the situation, he doesn't have any responsibility to you, your wife on the other hand does.

If you lay out your stresses and anxieties about what's going on and your wife dismisses them, then she's simply saying your discomfort is much less important than what she's getting out of this. You need to be very careful about how you lay out how this is affecting you, you probably need to give some time thinking about it yourself, and separate the different strands of this, is the thoughts/possibility that he's not gay and your wife is being unfaithful? Is it that she prioritizes having him in her life over your discomfort and probably other things? Has she abandoned other friends for this relationship?

To tackle this and get your own feelings straight you need steady ground beneath your feet, and understand your own feelings and distress at what is going on.

Best of luck OP, this may be nothing, but also may be a bad sign for your marriage. If a partner in a relationship ignores the distress they are causing their partner it's never a good sign. Right now it sounds like that is what your wife is doing.

And if the husband was lavishing this time and attention on a younger female? What would you advise his wife?

Why not? Sauce for goose etc. If I was to tell my wife I was hanging out and going to gigs with a younger "gay" fame acquaintance, I would be looking for a lawyer, and rightly so

This, all day long. It also sounds like OP has a wife who would not be averse to an affair either.

OP, you might as well ask her straight out if she wants a divorce instead of playing you for a fool.

You'd be right to put your foot down on missing a 20 year anniversary to go out with a friend. That's insulting.

You could expect her to keep a somewhat professional relationship with your kids tutors, the private whatsapps, dinners, gigs are not that. You would be over controlling to try and limit her friendships, and that's not a long term solution, even if the dude was straight there's a line to which you have to be able to trust your partner. Sounds to me like your energy would be best spent trying to address your relationship, you and her. There's a chance that even if she's not conscious about it or nefarious, she is using him to fill the gaps of a relationship and that can't be healthy.

Your wife's behaviour isn't normal or appropriate no matter the gender or sexual preferences of the other person involved based entirely on the story as you have presented it.

You admit the marriage isn't great and look having three kids, one with an additional need and all that goes with that in the modern world can bring it's challenges.

You both need to sit down and talk to eachother about yer marriage and year feelings in general. Tell her how you feel about her friendship.

If there's no change in behaviour then review your options.

Ultimately these types of queries are difficult to help with as there are many variables that aren't easy or possible to put down in writing. I think on this occasion you are probably looking to see if other people would be concerned if their partner was acting in a similar way given a similar set of variables and I think the majority would as you can see from the responses.

OP, thanks for the update. I think it has been lost in the other back-and-forth that has been going on here. It's not a good sign when this teacher is the second man your wife has been attracted to in recent years. I hate to say it but from here it looks like you're on the slippery slope to splitsville. The sexual orientation of this teacher is neither here nor there. She's getting something from these friendships (or whatever they were) that she isn't from you. Have you tried counselling? It might not save the marriage but it might clarify things for the two of you, whatever the future may hold.