Pregnant ex

Would you not arrange for a face to face conversation!

I'll be honest and say if I was pregnant and my ex started talking about legal advice etc my heckles would well and truly be raised.

I do find it weird that she never contacted you about the pregnancy. While I hate when people say "Paternity test" , in this case, the fact she hasn't approached you and she's doing it (as far as you know) on her own, I would question if you are the dad.

So until you get paternity test results I'm not sure what advice can be given!

The legislation for unmarried dad's that aren't living with the mum, isn't great.

I think the website treoir might give you more up to date relevant information.

Regarding access to the child, you have rights. However your rights will be secondary to what are perceived the needs of the child and also the ability of the mother to spin things should she so wish to be difficult.
Three things for a father, right of guardianship, access, and maintenance. All three can be agreed via court application should the mother not wish to engage with you. Even if amicable, it would be sensible to cover off guardianship after the child is born. This gives you a right to a say in the child’s life in terms of key decisions such as religion, schooling etc. the court will prioritise maintenance over access as this will be viewed as in the best interests of the child.

Wait until the child is born, consult a family solicitor and get moving with proceedings if it’s a case you want to exercise your rights. You should demand a paternity test as part of the process, if she disputes you are the father it will have to happen regardless.

Be aware even if she ignores you for now, she could come back at a later date looking for maintenance, even years later, after excluding you in the first place. On the flip side, even after court ordered access she could continue to make life difficult for you eg child is sick, child doesn’t want to see you, poisoning the child against you, and many other much worse things.

The best course of action is amicable discussion and agreement way in advance. Disagreement via legal routes will just have solicitors licking their chops. Easier said than done of course.

The word narcissist is thrown around so many of the women's groups I'm in, I really don't think anyone actually knows what it mean.

Do you want to be involved in the child's life? If you don't pay your way but leave them alone. If you do, you need try and get face to face with her, use an intermediatory if you need to even a counsellor. When the child is very small your access will be very limited and you should respect that. The more respectful you are the more she should see that what you are doing is in the childs best interest.

Running in saying your rights and wanting the child 50/50 isn't going to be helpful. But saying you want to be there to support her and be part of your childs life should be a good start

If she doesn't want to talk to you now, then leave her be. She has enough to be dealing with, with the pregnancy and preparing for the birth.

Once baby is here safely, give her a few weeks to recover, and then you can try contacting her again.

Then, if necessary, you can get the legal ball rolling.

The only "right" the OP has is not to be listed as father without agreement/consent.

The issue will also be the law. The law doesn't treat mother and father as equal even though everyone will say it is. Father is always the "evil one" who has to pay regardless, mother can do what she whats. Courts are always favouring mother, and less the father.

I honestly have only irony for this one, and for the rest, I don't envy your situation at all. It's the kind of fatherhood no man would ever want. Chances are you have no influence over key decisions such as religion and schooling if the mother refuses to give you access to the child and even in the case if, chances are not too good that you might agree with the mother on anything.

Also the OP doesn't know for certain that the ex is actually pregnant. She could also be playing a game. Women with evil minds do that.

Our family law is broken in so many ways.

I mean was horrendous 20 years ago when a friend of mine nearly broke himself to get custody. To get to 2024 with not one politician having the courage to tackle it (and hearing some actually hinder it) is just saddening

OP: You will have to wait until the child is born and, then, be prepared for a long long battle

OP I have to wonder if there’s a part of you that’s just trying to do the “right” thing? The problem is she’s not interested in having a relationship with you one way or another, clearly and the fact she personally did not tell you about the pregnancy suggests she really doesn’t want anything to do with you.

My advice is to just express your willingness to be a part of their life (the child) when it’s born, explain you are happy to support them and help however you can. But you need to be aware that you have no automatic right and dragging the mother through the courts may not be the wisest move. If she makes you out to be an awful B word to a judge he/she may refuse any access entirely and perhaps bar you from being near either of them.

I would be very mindful of the messages you are sending also. I mean it wasn’t the best idea if you ask me to in the same breath as asking about the pregnancy mentioning you’re seeking legal advice. You are trying to build a relationship with this person whereby you can have access to (what you think is) your child. Getting litigious or even hinting at it is just not a good start. It may also be worth approaching close friends or family to see if they have any insight or could they speak to her on your behalf.

As has been mentioned also there’s the potential it just isn’t your child but that’s another matter. I suppose you should ask yourself are you doing this because you want to be a part of the child’s life or are you doing this because you either

1. Think it’s the right and proper thing to do
2. You think you can get back with the mother this way

Just be aware you’re on the back foot here and you have not much going for you in terms of custody and access as you were not together very long and she’s spent the majority of the assumed pregnancy separated from you.

Right now the only comfort for the OP here should be the fact that he can go to court to exercise his rights should he so wish, which based on his description sounds the most likely outcome. I don’t know why you are talking about unmarried people in relationships and the process there which is not pertinent to the OP, automatic rights which I have never talked about, birth certs and the like, it’s all irrelevant to him if he wants to go to court. It is also irrelevant if the mother wants to chase him for maintenance at any point in the next 18 years.

OP - you can go to court to get access to the child and guardianship, which is very unlikely to be declined but will almost certainly require a maintenance commitment. If paternity needs to be proven, it can be arranged by the courts, and can be at the request of either party. I hope that gives you the comfort you need to hear.

It was a bad move going straight in saying you're seeking legal advice, she was probably terrified of you contacting her about it and then you went in with that.

like I say I believe she thinks I’m a narcissist which I don’t believe nor does my counsellor

It's great that you at least considered it. Maybe you lack self awareness and your counsellor can only go off your version of events though. My ex is an absolute nightmare but I guarantee a therapist wouldn't label him as anything except amazing and lovely because that's how he paints himself 😂 and he's very believable.

But I'm not saying you are either, you said you believe that you and your ex are both people pleasers, sometimes two people really bring the worst out in each other in a relationship and it's toxic but if you are both two decent people who were wrong together then there will be a chance for a civil co-parenting relationship.

Yes, you are correct, you have no rights now, get onto citizens information and they'll tell you when exactly you will be able to start going through the courts if it comes to that. I've no idea about the timeline or when you could expect overnights etc with a small baby but presumably overnights wouldn't be for a while.

You really need to try to be as civil as possible with your ex when you do get to talk to her. Don't be banging on about your rights. And if it's not until after the baby is born then please, please, please don't forget that you are dealing with a postpartum woman who is most likely exhausted and massively sleep deprived, and she will have a huge connection and bond with the baby and he/she will feel like a physical extension of her… If you're only allowed to see the baby for a short time try your very best to make it all go smoothly, you want to show her that you'll be a positive in the babies life and that to your ex you're going to be a supportive co-parent and a help, not a hindrance.

Did your ex get on with anyone in your family?

You continue to talk on about stuff I’ve never said in some sort of an effort to prove your original point, which was irrelevant in the first place as you were providing advice on your experience in an existing relationship which is not comparable. Three different people here including myself have advised your advice is incorrect and is giving the wrong information to the OP based on where he finds himself right now.

In a final effort to explain this to you, and provide a relevant example to the OP, I can confirm I have never been on my child’s birth cert, was not in a relationship with her mother when she was born, have been through the courts, have proof of paternity, have guardianship and cyclical agreed access, and pay regular maintenance. The child’s mother was unsupportive of all of this. The OP has a right to go to court and demand all the above. Best of luck to him with it.