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Parents' House

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  • 05-07-2024 9:27am
    #1
    DeanAustin
    Registered Users Posts: 3,823 ✭✭✭


    My parents both died about 5 years ago and left me and my sibling their house which we grew up in. We both live in a different county and have ties there so can't move back. However, I can't bring myself to sell the house. I bring my kids now and again so it's like a holiday home I guess but 95% of the year it's sitting idle. Morally, I know that's wrong with the housing crisis and stuff. But it feels safe to come back here and it feels like I'd be selling my childhood if we sold it. I also don't want to lose my last firm tie to my home county and the street I grew up on.

    Logically, I know we should sell and that's what I'd advise someone else in my position. I'm not especially emotional as a person, quite the opposite, but I've never had this much conflict between my head and my heart. Anyone else ever been in a similar position?



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    #2
    Baybay
    Registered Users Posts: 1,066 ✭✭✭Baybay


    I spent a few weeks visiting my parents’ home at times that I normally would have gone anyway. I’d make coffee, do a few jobs in the garden, a bit of dusting, check post. Although I obviously knew, I began to understand that they were actually gone & so it also began to feel sad to be there.

    I put their house on the market & I don’t regret it. I drive by occasionally & know that my mother in particular would be horrified about what’s been done in her garden but even that just makes me smile. It’s another family’s turn.



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    #3
    horse7
    Registered Users Posts: 3,739 ✭✭✭horse7


    Your parents would want you to get on with life and it will be part of the healing process of letting them go.



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    #4
    The J Stands for Jay
    Registered Users Posts: 5,776 ✭✭✭The J Stands for Jay


    My parents sold my childhood home. I hadn't lived there in about 20 years. I went back for one last look around before it was finally sold, but it was just a house. I think you miss your parents, and that's driving your attachment to the house. They're not there, but your memories are linked to there. If you sell up and never go back, your memories will still always be with you.

    On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with retaining a holiday home.



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    #5
    yourdeadwright
    Registered Users Posts: 20,770 ✭✭✭✭yourdeadwright


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058358445/parents-house

    If it helps maybe you can change up the thinking a little,

    If you sell it a new family & new set kids get to make there memories there , The house gets a new life & everyone moves on happy



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    #6
    o1s1n
    Registered Users Posts: 35,003 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    If you can afford to keep it and it's not impacting you financially to do so, then why not?

    I'd love to hang onto my folks house when they're gone.

    One other option which might work would be to sell it but keep it in the family. Any relations that might be interested?



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    #7
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,740 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    the issue with it lying empty is really one that seems to weigh on your mind.

    given the housing crisis i would be very surprised if you dont have an extended family member who would jump at the chance to rent it from you - if you trust them to do the right thing.

    But being a landlord in ireland is probably not for the feint hearted.



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    #8
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 3,018 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    After my mother died, I couldn't bear visiting the house, even though I had a brother still living there.

    We then surrendered it back to the Council and a new family are living there which is only right. But I still can't drive past it, or even go into the estate.

    It's weird the emotions we tie up in properties. When you're ready to let it go, you'll know.

    How does your sibling feel about it?



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    #9
    Panthro
    Registered Users Posts: 14,805 ✭✭✭✭Panthro


    Do it up for Air BnB? It'll make a few quid for you and you can still call in whenever.



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    #10
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,439 ✭✭✭Tork


    How does your sibling feel about it? Can you afford to leave things as they are? If the answer to both is that things are fine as they are, then why not park the issue for another while? You don't sound like you're ready to cut those final ties yet. That might change as time moves on.



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    #11
    Pretzill
    Registered Users Posts: 4,686 ✭✭✭Pretzill


    Our family home wasn't the same after both my parents had died. I was the last to leave it, after it was cleared and locked up for sale. I could feel the memories quite strongly of another time but one that we'd all long left behind. The inheritance gave all of the siblings a monetary uplift, my parents would have been happier with that. It was bricks and mortar and a new start for someone else, people make a house, a home.



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    #12
    DeanAustin
    Registered Users Posts: 3,823 ✭✭✭DeanAustin


    Thanks everyone for the replies. In answer to some of the questions, my sibling is actually fairly easy going about it. Think he wants to sell but isn't pushing for it. Fortunately, we both have good jobs and do okay so we aren't under pressure at the moment. Of course we could both use the extra money, who couldn't, but we're not in desperate need for it.

    Someone said to me months after my parents died that I hadn't dealt with it. I'd been going through a divorce at the time so really just sort of kept my head down and "powered through". I don't know what "dealing with it" means though. Life's moved on, I miss them terribly but them not being here doesn't dominate my thoughts or influence my decisions. What's left is gratitude for everything they gave me, a sadness they're no longer around and an acceptance that we're all getting older. I guess if I haven't dealt with it, this is the manifestation of it - I really struggle with the thought of selling the house because I see it as selling my childhood and selling my parents out however silly that sounds.

    Jesus, there's a bit going on in there. Maybe the original question wasn't about the house after all.



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    #13
    rolling boh
    Registered Users Posts: 2,065 ✭✭✭rolling boh


    Think renting it out to a reliable tenant might just give you time to move on as your parents are sadly gone and without them the house isn't the same .



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    #14
    herbalplants
    Registered Users Posts: 1,247 ✭✭✭herbalplants


    Do what makes you happy. Forget about house crisis that is not on your shoulders to sort out.

    If you want to keep it longer then do that.

    I have thought about doing the same when my mom is gone, keep the house to visit it.

    Living the life



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    #15
    Furze99
    Registered Users Posts: 11,238 ✭✭✭✭Furze99


    "I also don't want to lose my last firm tie to my home county and the street I grew up on."

    This is I think may be the bigger factor, particularly if you still have other relatives still about the area. In this case, you're not just selling a family home but also leaving all that behind. Obviously you might still go back for the odd visit, funeral, wedding etc but it's quite the same without the foothold there.



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    #16
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,180 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    I don't think you're ready to make a decision yet emotionally so why not enjoy it for the summer weeks when you can and a few weekends in the winter and revisit the thought again next year.

    To thine own self be true



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    #17
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 12,242 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    I think you need to clear out the house. Once you've cleared it out for selling it's doesn't feel the same place.



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    #18
    HildaOgdenx
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,124 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122346482#Comment_122346482

    I really struggle with the thought of selling the house because I see it as selling my childhood and selling my parents out however silly that sounds.

    It doesn't sound silly at all. Not in the slightest.

    Grieving can take many different forms, and phases, and it's very understandable that you're not ready to close this particular chapter, just yet, by selling the house. Especially as you mention that you had other very stressful things going on at the same time, as losing your parents.

    Like others, I'd say, take your time. Continue to use it as you have been doing. You might realise one day that you're ready to let it go.

    But meantime, there's no rush.



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    #19
    pooch90
    Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭pooch90


    Hey OP,

    I absolutely get what you are feeling and am going through the same. My dad died a long time ago and my mam passed just about a year ago. My brother is living in the house but is in no way fit to maintain it (addiction issues). I am the executor of the estate and will have to sell it. I'm not in immediate need of the money but it will only depreciate further if I don't sell it and get brother out. I could have sold it already but my kids wanted one more summer of 'Granny's house'.

    I live the other end of the country so ,when it is sold, I will have no link back home. We won't be able to just visit because we will have nowhere to stay. It feels like the real end of that chapter of my life. There won't be any random nights going to the pub with school friends, no meaningful way to sustain those relationships other than WhatsApp messages. It's a kick in the guts.

    Take your time with it but I'd be wary of the costs that may acrue with it sitting idle from a maintenance point of view. As others suggested, maybe start with clearing it out a bit. Taking some of the much loved ornaments/photos etc to your own home. I did this and it makes my parents feel present in my home now.



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    #20
    Ezeoul
    Registered Users Posts: 3,018 ✭✭✭Ezeoul


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122356592#Comment_122356592

    Taking some of the much loved ornaments/photos etc to your own home. I did this and it makes my parents feel present in my home now.

    I did this. I took a small painting that was a favourite of my mother's, and a glass lampshade, and used them in a room in my own home. I love them, and it does make her feel closer.



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    #21
    Hamachi
    Registered Users Posts: 2,603 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122343603#Comment_122343603

    OP. I think this is great advice. You mention that your sibling is chilled about selling so there is no imperative there. Enjoy the house for the summer. Spend a few sunny evenings with the kids in the garden. Maybe spend a week there during Christmas.

    You clearly aren’t fully ready to sell right now, but give yourself a little time and your mindset may be entirely different in 12 months.



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    #22
    Pistachio19
    Registered Users Posts: 483 ✭✭Pistachio19


    As long as you can afford to maintain it I suppose there is no rush to sell. Our family home was sold after our remaining parent went into a nursing home. None of us lived nearby to maintain it. It was getting damp despite heat being on a timer. And of course there was the risk of break in, water pipes bursting etc. Insurance cover is a consideration too when the house is unoccupied so hopefully you have the correct type. It was sad to let it go but it wasn't 'home' any more, just a shell without anyone there to greet us, have the kettle on and have a chat.



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    #23
    leahyl
    Registered Users Posts: 14,286 ✭✭✭✭leahyl


    I remember when my grandmother died (nearly 20 years ago now), my dad would still go up to the house and sit there one evening a week, make himself a cup of tea etc. it was his way of grieving, in a way, I think - he did it for about a year and then they sold it. There is no time limit on grief so give yourself a break and you will sell it when the time is right.



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    #24
    NIMAN
    Registered Users Posts: 33,642 ✭✭✭✭NIMAN


    It's only bricks and mortar, you'll always have your memories.

    My own mother recently went into a home and we have to sell her house to pay for her care. This involved clearing out A LOT of stuff. A lot of it with many memories. And none of us have anywhere to really store much of it.

    I have advertised a lot of stuff on adverts sites to try to get money to add to her account, but in the endI gave the majority of it away.

    Now the house is more or less empty, and I don't really feel much connection to it any more. Yes I have memories, but we have to move on. My mother won't ever be back in it, and the idea of a new family with young kids building a life in it does raise a smile. It's our mother we are attached to, not the house.



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    #25
    youtheman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,283 ✭✭✭youtheman


    I'm at the other end of the scale. I've moved back into my parent's house (both deceased). I grew up here surrounded by relatives on both sides of my family. There are still about 12-13 cousins living around here. I even have 3 cousins who were born and raised in London who have moved here permanently. My brother has a summer house here as well. I could never imagine not having some connection to where I grew up. It's amazing how a place can have such a draw on you!.



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    #26
    NiceFella
    Registered Users Posts: 374 ✭✭NiceFella


    Sell it. Personally, I just don't think it's right to leave a house idle for years for memories (which you will have regardless) with the current housing climate. There will be a very grateful family who will build their own memories there on top of the ones you've had. That's the purpose of a house. Let it do it's job. Let the house go and let it be loved by another family.



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    #27
    Strumms
    Registered Users Posts: 25,472 ✭✭✭✭Strumms


    remember , this property is yours now. you have zero responsibility for any housing / population crisis. You didn’t cause any of it. You have zero onus to even contribute to solving it barring paying your taxes. If you wish to rent it, or set up another young family member in it, whatever. You might want to leave it vacant for x months or even years. This is YOUR property. You have zero obligations morally, socially or financially when it comes to deciding

    Take your time, think, evaluate and relax, it’s yours, not going anywhere. Tune out any views or people with views that are rushing you, pressuring you, trying to persuade or making you uncomfortable…. It’s yours, and whatever pressures socially are on housing, not your fault, so don’t bother trying to do your bit to help a situation that you didn’t cause.



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    #28
    bb1234567
    Registered Users Posts: 5,512 ✭✭✭bb1234567


    Is there no friends or family there who you could rent out at a reasonable rate? If you trust them they'd hopefully keep it in good shape and not mind you visiting from time to time. Could work out for everyone



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