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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5792
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My mate has quit his job with BMW.

    Of course he gave no indication he was leaving.



  • #5793
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Gutted that one of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.

    We don't have Oleg to stand on.



  • #5794
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    A guy lying on the ground moaning in agony. A passer by asks what is wrong with him, but cannot understand the reply. Eventually, he asks the victim where he is from.

    The victim manages to say 'The third floor!'



  • #5795
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I met a bloke called Ian Tevvy the other day.

    He said his brother was lead singer for the Hollies.



  • #5796
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 686 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    I told her I had no problem bringing her to the nudist beach in the morning . . I've nothing on.

    Why wont GAA football fans these days admit Die Hard 5 is muck?



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  • #5797
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 686 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    Later on she informed me that she may get embarrassed and would prefer if I didn't accompany her onto the actual nudist beach . . I said sure. . no hard feelings.

    Why wont GAA football fans these days admit Die Hard 5 is muck?



  • #5798
    donegal_man
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,822 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

    Now, I'm stuck between a dock and a card place.



  • #5799
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I can’t believe how rude the suppository help line was.



  • #5800
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122480533#Comment_122480533

    Just think of what the doctor says when he is going to give a digital examination for prostrate problems with no computer in sight.



  • #5801
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Swedish astronomer Anders Celcius died in 1744 aged 43. However, his rival, Fahrenheit was convinced he was 109.



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  • #5802
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,197 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt.

    Judging by the reaction of the man sleeping next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful.



  • #5803
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 19,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    From the radio today:-

    Thirty things to do before you die :-

    1. Shout for help.



  • #5804
    scottser
    Registered Users Posts: 709 ✭✭✭scottser


    When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep just like my grandfather did. Not screaming in fear like the passengers in his car..



  • #5805
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The person who coined the well known phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Tesco's own brand cheddar.



  • #5806
    Victor
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,457 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122508015#Comment_122508015

    You might have accidentally picked up their "Cheese Food" product. I can only assume it is so named because there isn't enough cheese in it to call it "cheese".



  • #5807
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
    -- Mark Twain



  • #5808
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The five arrested and charged with killing Matthew Perry have been named. They are Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe and Monica



  • #5809
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 92,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122508031#Comment_122508031
    image.png

    ,,



  • #5810
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,573 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122508031#Comment_122508031

    You know what the call chinese food in China…?

    Food…

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • #5811
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Used to tolerate Robbie William’s Music until I recently got a passion for Geometry.

    Now I’m loving angles instead.



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  • #5812
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Do ye remember when MAGA supporters here (when they declared themselves as such) railed against AOC and said that she was an outcast, a radical no-one should listen to ?

    https://twitter.com/atrupar/status/1825710433602265138

    Absolutely nailed it.



  • #5813
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,418 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    What do you call a group of Irish lads sitting in your back garden?

    Paddy O' Furniture

    What do you call and Irishman hanging from the ceiling?

    Sean D'Olier

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #5814
    scottser
    Registered Users Posts: 709 ✭✭✭scottser


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122524528#Comment_122524528

    What do you call an Irishwoman standing in front of a window?

    Annette Curtin



  • #5815
    Ted222
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 371 ✭✭Ted222


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122522715#Comment_122522715

    As one liners go, it’s a bit drawn out.



  • #5816
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 792 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I asked The Man from Del Monte what his favourite prog rock band was.



  • #5817
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    If Sade and Emma Freud formed a double act and it failed, I’d be strangely pleased.



  • #5818
    gormdubhgorm
    Registered Users Posts: 18,853 ✭✭✭✭gormdubhgorm


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122527612#Comment_122527612

    What do you call a woman between two walls?

    Elaine.

    Guff about stuff, and stuff about guff.



  • #5819
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Telling dates that I work in IT support is a massive turn-off. And then a turn-on again.



  • #5820
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,917 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Where do rabbit's go after they get married?

    On a bunny-moon.



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  • #5821
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 12,418 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?

    Bob

    What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

    Doug

    What do you call the same man without the shovel?

    Dougless

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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