What's the etiquette here??

Only downside - you're supposed to deposit the used roll in the bin provided

Was in the Head Office of a large semi-state organisation this morning for a meeting, and we headed to the canteen afterwards for the breakfast. Large groups of serious looking engineer types in M&S suits tucking into huge plates of heavily subsidised pig meat. When in Rome and all that, so I loaded my own plate and tucked in. The coffee was poor enough, and only 5 minutes after finishing I felt some major pressure building up at the scour valve.

Well appointed shítters in fairness with solid ceiling to floor doors and good quality two-ply. The problem was the noises and the smells. 6 cubicles of grunting, sighing, belts clinking, misfiring, farts, follow-ups, and one lad who I was thinking of calling an ambulance for such was the heallish sounds eminating from his gob and his hole. And the smell. Raw with the funk of fried breakfasts, onions and cholestoral. Appalling.

The flush wasn't up for my load, so I've no idea how it was able to handle some of the middens in the other cubicles. Something to do with water harvesting and a net zero building. Did the best I could, but you can't finish a job if you don't have the proper tools.

Just watch out for any gassy “aftershocks”, G. There can be a couple just waiting to exit and you think because you’ve slopped out that it’ll be fine.

But then it’s not fine and you’ve unleashed a, seriously, ripe one that stings the eyes.

Stay vigilant, stay safe.

Hope you are not going down to the ‘picnic’?

Poor lad I knew back in the day invited a couple of young heifers down with him.

Said he would have ‘ the tent’ ready for them.Unfortunately he over indulged in the Pear Cider early on

and ssquarted a ripe load of watery midden at pressure over the inside of the tent.

Had to abandon ship and afterwards the lasses described the tent as smelling like a slit trench in Vietnam.

Not a successful weekend as he said the heifers ‘got a batther up’ at prospect of the weekend under canvas.

Unfortunately there's nothing like explosive diarrhoea to scupper one's chances with the alleged fairer sex. You'd swear they never shat in their lives the way some of them go on.

I didn't check, but I doubt that notice was present in the ladies'.

Fair few ‘rimshots’ in the ladies too, I’m told.

It’s the hovering what does it, hard to get the muzzle fully ‘established’ over the pot on the first burst of fire.

Can be a tad ‘loose’ and need some shuffling especially after drink was taken.

Any of the AM shítters around here have this issue?

The contributors to the etiquette thread are all highly successful individuals I would imagine, and have to leave the house on time at least occasionally. Couldn’t necessarily say that about the regulars in other forums. Rolling out of the bed at 11 and sitting around all day in a tracksuit bottom and vest watching daytime tv and complaining on the internet.

I’m back in the home country for the first time in a long time.

Been melting away at the McCambridges soda bread with a heap of dead pig most days. Text book logs sliding out with minimal paperwork. A man could get too used to this

Had a Philly Cheesesteak and 10 pints of Beamish last night. Absolute carnage in the downstairs this morning. Was like trying to clean up an oil spill with a j-cloth. The kitten passed the door, then ran out to the garden and under the shed where she hasn’t emerged yet. The wife has headed out for the day in a huff and is going to melt the credit card. My dodgy box isn’t working for watching the match later. Think I’ll just take to the bed.