New boyfriend earns substantially more than me and I can't keep up with him

Teapot30 · 30-10-2024 10:50PM #1

He is very much a split everything down the middle person, and I am too, except I earn 25k a year, and he's on more than double what I earn. Im also very aware how women can look like scroungers to men when they dont pay half, I always pay my share and if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than ive bought him he'll let me know and I always make it up. He knows how much I earn and he knows I have allot more expenses than him, despite this I feel like he doesnt take into consideration my low income and just expects me to be able to go on nights out, get takeaways, holidays ect.. Ive tried to communicate with him but it doesnt make a difference. He will still plan things and just expect me to be able to go, if I dont have money he offers to lend it to me.. Im not sure what I should do.

TheW1zard · 30-10-2024 11:03PM

Dump him

xzanti · 30-10-2024 11:08PM

How long are you seeing each other?

I understand the 50/50 thing at the beginning of a relationship tbh. But I think after a period of an 'official' partnership there should be some allowances made for a difference in income.

weisses · 30-10-2024 11:11PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058378532/new-boyfriend-earns-substantially-more-than-me-and-i-cant-keep-up-with-him

Run

Seriously, don't put any more effort into this relationship.

walshb · 30-10-2024 11:16PM

He sounds like he completely lacks any thought or consideration.. lack of kindness on his part with what you’re explaining

Suckler · 30-10-2024 11:17PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058378532/new-boyfriend-earns-substantially-more-than-me-and-i-cant-keep-up-with-him

if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than ive bought him he'll let me know and I always make it up.

Red flag. Run. Future you will thank you.

suvigirl · 30-10-2024 11:18PM

If he has bought more drinks then you, he will let you know?

Like ask you for the money? If he's this mean at the beginning of the relationship, it doesn't bode well. He knows you earn 50% less then go and he can't even but you one drink?

Wouldnt be for me.

watchclocker · 30-10-2024 11:20PM

Where's the romance in that? Sounds crap

Sonic the Shaghog · 30-10-2024 11:20PM

Two things here.

The fact you've already brought it up and he ignores it and keeps on booking things is a red flag. If you want to be with someone there's plenty you can do that's not expensive.

The second for me is the fact he makes a point to mention if he's bought you more drinks than youve him and you have to even things up.

He's at best a clueless dope regardless of his good job. At worst he's a knob end.

I really wouldn't like to be moving in or marrying this fella if this is how it is now.

Musicrules · 30-10-2024 11:23PM

Dump him like a hot snot.

ledwithhedwith · 30-10-2024 11:23PM

is he autistic?

hello2020 · 30-10-2024 11:36PM

so he is someone to split down the middle person !! what is his thoughts about wife going on maternity leave or losing job or career growth due to pregnancy or sickness .

will he take care of his partner in that event?

SCOOP 64 · 30-10-2024 11:52PM

Well I think you have your Answer.

MarkR · 30-10-2024 11:59PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122781132#Comment_122781132

Why do you ask that?

Purple Mountain · 31-10-2024 12:04AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122781069#Comment_122781069

Title says New Boyfriend.

Sorry Op, this isn't going to work. Fair play, you sound like a principled and independent woman willing to pay your way but he's out of your lifestyle league. Let him off, he sounds like a bit of a bellend to be honest.

Idbatterim · 31-10-2024 12:12AM

Well what do you guys reckon a fair split is ? He isn't a walking bank account. Guys with self esteem, don't want to think of themselves as only buying your attention. Probably 60/40 or 70/30 split acceptable in this case is acceptable IMO. Also of it were the other way around, no doubt the man would be accused of being lazy or a waster... Women can spend depraved amounts when they are on tiny incomes , on nails , waxing etc... so can't really go further without more info, which there is no point in asking.... but at least you're not going out with a simp, where the line should be drawn, is debatable...

Just read the op again and the sub totalling the drinks and letting you know the balance, is in bad taste imo. Is he good in the other ways that matter?

Dial Hard · 31-10-2024 12:37AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122781344#Comment_122781344

There is literally nothing - nothing - in the OP's post that indicates she sees him as a walking bank account. Where did you even begin to pull that out of???

When one partner in a relationship out-earns the other to such a large degree, I think it's really important to look at the split in terms of proportionality rather than a pure 50/50 split, particularly if it's the higher earner who's making the decisions about where to go, how often etc. based on what they earn.

I'm a woman and I am fiercely paranoid about paying my own way, to the point where I've definitely taken on more than my fair share in relationships, despite being the far lower earner at times. Every couple is different, and the "breadwinner" (I hate that term) role will change places over the years, in most cases. If someone is bean-counting to the degree this guy seems to be already, that's generally not a good sign. Meanness is a horrible trait, and in pretty much every case I've ever come across, it has nothing to do with how much or how little money a person has, it's just an innate character flaw.

OP, I can pretty much guarantee that if you stay with this guy and the roles ever reverse, he'll still be mentally listing what he paid for and how much you "owe" him. I'd cut my losses now, tbh.

SineadSpears · 31-10-2024 01:26AM

OP your boyfriend earns good money and understandably will want to do those things, and like any other relationship, he will want to do the things he enjoys with his partner by his side.

It's a new relationship so there are bound to be plenty of date nights and plans made.

Him offering to lend you money to keep up with those plans isn't exactly helping when you've explained that you are not in a position to date like that (Doesn't make sense either - you pay him back and you're down money on your next payday. That same payday which will most likely follow with more plans).

You've said it's already making you feel under pressure and I'd imagine uncomfortable in the relationship.

Maybe it simply isn't the right relationship for both of you (This doesn't make you worth any less than him either!)

If you do decide to part ways, it doesn't need to be a terrible sad breakup. Maybe it's best to let him spread his wings and find someone who is able to live life as he does. And you too can look for someone that maybe prefers long walks, cosy nights in and the odd weekend away, etc. There's nothing wrong with that way of dating either..

Quantum Erasure · 31-10-2024 01:43AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122781310#Comment_122781310

It's a fair question, I think

o1s1n · 31-10-2024 02:13AM

Earnings and all that aside, anyone who points out that they might have bought more drinks than the other person on a night out and expects the difference to be made up is a stingy fook.

Seeing that type of behaviour early on in a relationship I can only imagine how much worse it could get.

Geuze · 31-10-2024 02:31AM

I am a man.

While I understand that no man wants to feel like he is an ATM, the final four words of this sentence worry me:

"I always pay my share and if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than ive bought him he'll let me know"

I have not had many girlfriends over the years, but if I was keen on a woman, I would not be counting drinks like this.

kirving · 31-10-2024 03:21AM

Edited - picked an incorrect figure.

There are way too many factors missing to say if this is being fair or not - the key one being: How new is "new"?

For the sake of argument only ~~- double salary doesn't mean double take home pay.~~

On the PWC Income tax calculator (with no deductions), €25k salary gives €1,869 €~~2,576pm.~~ €55k salary gives €3,453pm. ~~€967~~ €1,584pm difference, which is a ~~decent chunk for sure, but it's 37% more, not 100% more take home.~~

You do say you have higher expenses, but are they "necessary" in his eyes, or discretionary?

What I mean by that is, some guys will see €300 in the hairdresser as and outrageous luxury (if they even realise it's that expensive) while societal pressure has meant that many women see it as absolutely necessary.

How much is he saving for the future? How much into his pension? What does his car loan really cost? Is he helping out parents with money? These are all big if's, but again, you do say "new" boyfriend so I'm not sure a financial audit is the best idea right now, but in any case that €967 gets eaten up quickly, and unnoticeably by one or two of the above and a bit of lifestyle creep.

Lastly, some guys just have a thing about drinks. Buying a girl a drink is the colloquial move for a guy to do in a bar, and some (not all) women take advantage of guys' good nature to get a free drink and walk away. It may have happened to him in the past and he just sees it as a glaring example of being taken advantage of that he can't shake, so has become petty about it. I mean he need to get over that, and I don't agree with it, just a possible explanation.

JoChervil · 31-10-2024 03:57AM

@kirving you really need to learn math

25k salary gives 1,869, not 2,576

Anyway, OP this situation makes you feel uncomfortable. You tried to address it but he doesn't care. It's an easy choice.

3DataModem · 31-10-2024 07:14AM

"if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than ive bought him he'll let me know and I always make it up."
- wow dating sure has changed.

kirving · 31-10-2024 07:23AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122781567#Comment_122781567

Apologies, you're correct. I read the wrong figure.

Nevertheless, there are still other factors which may reduce the BF's disposable income significantly.

Screen Shot 2024-10-30 at 23.21.32 PM.png

893bet · 31-10-2024 07:25AM

does he plan all the dates? Why not plan some cheap ones? Walks in the park with a coffee, feeding ducks at the river etc.

An honest conversation is need along the lines of “I don’t expect you to pay for me, but realise I can’t go out that often spending”

Peregrinus · 31-10-2024 07:48AM

It doesn't really matter how much more the BF earns than the GF. The point is that, whether because he earns more or for other reasons, he likes to spend more on socialising, entertainment, etc than she does. In other words, we've got a mismatch here between their lifestyle preferences.

There are three ways to address this:

They can socialise, etc, in his preferred style, with him covering the additional cost for her.
They can socialise, etc, in his preferred style, with her upping her spending to cover her share of that style
They can socialise in her preferred style. He can either bank the money saved, or spend it on himself in some other way.

His preferred solution, obviously, is the second one. But that's unfair; she has to pay more than she wants in order for him to have the socialising experience that he wants.

They need to have a conversation about this. It doesn't have to start out with "you earn more than me", which can look either like resentment or like an appeal for charity. A better starting point would be "you like to spend more on socialising and entertainment than I'm comfortable with spending".

Both spending choices are valid; nobody needs to be defensive. This is a variant on an issue that often arises in the early stages of a relationship — the two people concerned have different tastes or preferences; how is this to be reconciled? The conversation has to be about finding a compromise — it might be finding cheaper socialising/entertainment options that they both enjoy; it might be going out socialising a bit less often; it might be him covering her costs in relation to something that he particularly wants to do and she doesn't; it might be some combination of these things.

Sonic the Shaghog · 31-10-2024 07:50AM

Lads common, read the OP. She's tried talking to him about it and he's just ignored it

tabby aspreme · 31-10-2024 08:19AM

Does he work in, Account's

Peregrinus · 31-10-2024 08:31AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122781615#Comment_122781615

Well, she says "I've tried to communicate with him", but that can mean a lot of things. For some people, that means something like "I've dropped hints" or "A couple of times I have mentioned particular instances of this problem"; for others it means "I sat him down and said 'Look, we need to talk about something. We have a problem that is going to keep cropping up, and we need to work out how to deal with it.'"

It's the second kind of conversation the OP needs to have with her boyfriend.

Former Former Former · 31-10-2024 08:33AM

No point discussing it with him, this is something that's hard-wired into him, he can't change this any more than he can change the colour of his eyes.

Move on.

New boyfriend earns substantially more than me and I can't keep up with him

Welcome!

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