Big Relationship Prob

LegacyUser · 13-04-2007 1:21pm #1

I really need your opinions on this, I've been with my boyfriend 6 years and we both have kids from previous relationships. We've lived together in a rented house for the last 5 years but even though we live together our lives are so separate and he won't talk about, or plan any kind of a future with me and it's really starting to get me down. About 2 years ago, we spoke about buying a house and at the time my finanical position wasn't good so I told him I wasn't able to then but if he waited or put as much as he could in while I sorted myself out I'd be able to catch up as much as I could then. This wasn't good enough for him and he ended up saving like mad for a year and he earns a lot more than me so was well able to save the deposit for a house in that time. So off he went and bought himself a house and kept the details from me only telling me when he'd actually bought it.

I was stunned when he told me and just kind of denied it to myself and swept it under the carpet, I didn't give him a bit of hassle over it but now I'm 29 we're still living in the same RENTED house, I see my friends settling down with their boyfriends, buying houses, planning weddings having babies etc. and I want that too with my bf cos I love him and i've told him as much. His attitude was, well tough, you weren't able to match my savings back then so you've missed the boat. I'm so upset at the thoughs of us having no future I feel like he's wasted, and is currently wasting, my time. He reckons he's going to rent the house out but what about us? There's no way we can plan a future in the house we are in at the moment, it's too small and so you'd think the solution would be to pool our resources to make the kind of future we both need. I work so have a steady income but it just doesn't match his and he makes me feel bad about that. Also it's not a case that he doesn't want me, he tells me all the time that he loves me, wants to be with me, thinks the world of me, we've both hung on, for 6 years so there is love and everything there between us, just no commitment.

I've spoken to my close friends about this and they say that when they were saving for a house, they didn't count the cost of what each other put in it was THEIR saving for THEIR future yet we can't do anything unless it's divided 50:50 down the middle.

He won't see reason when I tell him that if you love someone and your in a couple you make your future work no matter what, whether one has more money than the other or not he tells me that every couple who has bought a house together has done it 50:50. Am I right here or is he, I'm so confused I just don't know what to do. I told him how I felt about the whole thing about 6 weeks ago and he just tells me all of the above then when I say ok, well we'll have to split up then, he tells me he loves me and we can work this out etc. but nothing happens, action speaks louder than words and I can't help thinking he's just biding his time. What will I do to get through to him, the thoughts of throwing away an otherwise loving 6 year relationship is just killing me :-(

Niamh:>) · 13-04-2007 2:04pm

I would tend to side with your friends on this one..

I cant understand how he kept the fact that he bought a house from you.
That seems very sneaky to me to be honest...

Is the house he bought now rented out ?

Niamh:>) · 13-04-2007 2:07pm

sorry , i re-read you post about renting out the house..

If what you say is 100% true , i would def take a long hard look at the relationship and consider ending it. He has lied to you about some very important things.
Having kids means you need that bit of extra security to cope with life..
You seem not to have that with him..

You should be building a life together.. he seems to be busy having a back up !

_blank_ · 13-04-2007 2:29pm

This is pretty similar to a thread in here a couple of months back.

How the hell he went and got a house bought without you knowing I'll never know.

Seems to me he's having his cake and eating it.

tinkerbell · 13-04-2007 2:31pm

While I do think that it's pretty messed up that he went and bought a house without telling you, I would agree with him in the whole buying the house 50:50 (or as close as).

It's not fair on him if you expect him to pay way more than what you're paying so I don't blame him for being angry at that. However his whole "miss the boat" argument is stupid as well, so I don't know!

LegacyUser · 13-04-2007 3:00pm

'

seansouth wrote:

This is pretty similar to a thread in here a couple of months back.

How the hell he went and got a house bought without you knowing I'll never know.

Seems to me he's having his cake and eating it.

Yes sorry that was me then too, at that stage I hadn't told him how I felt and I got good advice to tell him everything, which I did now, but nothings changed. Sorry to rehash the same thing but I though people might forget the background story involved and I'm in a different dilemma this time.

This time he knows how I feel about the whole thing but he won't do anything so I'm faced with the dilemma of, do I hold out and wait for him to do something or do I just end it now that he knows and is doing nothing. I mean if he really wanted the same as me he wouldn't be avoiding the issue, he'd be going out of his way to make sure he keeps me and makes me happy, wouldn't he?

Tinkerbell I don't agree, it's not always possible all through your life to do the 50:50 thing and the deposit is such a small part of the actual cost of the house it doesn't really matter how you get it together once you do IMO. If it was me who earned more or had more savings it'd be getting lumped into buying a house for the greater good of our future and I wouldn't resent him or give it a second thought. Obviously I work and could pay half the morgage, I don't plan on letting him do all the work! I just don't know why he's being so cagey with me. I mean the only reason you'd hold back like that is if you though the r'ship wasn't going to work and yet he's always telling me he loves me, I'm not holding him here he's free to go at any time, he knows what situation he got himself into with me and he's acting like I'm some kind of money grabber or something. I don't want a free ride off the back of him, I'd actually be better off financially without him, I'd qualify for the Affordable housing scheme on my own earnings, but I'd only be offered a 2 bed apartment and that wouldn't do us because I want our future to be together.

On the other hand I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him to do anything but if he doesn't want a future with me then why is he still here?! I really don't know I'm so confused.'

BoozyBabe · 13-04-2007 3:20pm

I disagree with Tinkerbell.
When you're in a long term relationship & see the person as your future, it shouldn't be his money / my money, it should be our money that we pool together to make sure all expenses are covered.

It shouldn't matter that each week he has €600 disposable income, while I have €200. It should be WE have €800 disposable income this week & WE can afford to put €400 of that into savings for a house.
Whether or not only €50 of that €400 is coming from my wages should be insignificant.

Do our parents go on like that? i.e. I bought the groceries this week, so you're paying the electricity bill?
No, I don't think so. It'd be more like:- we've groceries to buy & the electricity bill to pay this week, how much money do WE have?

Get my point?

Firstly, it was unfair of the bf not to atleast mention he was buying a house, & his attitude since makes him out to be a bit of a bully.
I really don't know what you should do here op. You love the guy & want to be with him, so I'm not going to suggest to leave him.
But perhaps he needs a scare to make him waken up to what he's got with you.
YOU need to be happy & secure in this relationship, & at the minute you're neither.
You need to make him see that.

Best of luck

tbh · 13-04-2007 3:25pm

your b/f sounds like a selfish dick, tbh, and the only advice I'd have for you is that it's easier to throw away a 6 year relationship than a seven, eight or nine year one. Boozybabe is spot on, when you are in a long term relationship like that, it should be about the "we" not about the "you and I"

easyontheeye · 13-04-2007 3:44pm

BoozyBabe wrote:

It shouldn't matter that each week he has €600 disposable income, while I have €200. It should be WE have €800 disposable income this week & WE can afford to put €400 of that into savings for a house.
Whether or not only €50 of that €400 is coming from my wages should be insignificant.

tbh wrote:

your b/f sounds like a selfish dick, tbh, and the only advice I'd have for you is that it's easier to throw away a 6 year relationship than a seven, eight or nine year one. Boozybabe is spot on, when you are in a long term relationship like that, it should be about the "we" not about the "you and I"

lads woulds yis all cop on! they aren't married!
The man has worked hard and earns good money! why should he have to put more into the house. it is quite reasonable to want to go 50/50. They are not married, he is still down as a "single" financially speaking!
Fair enough he bought a house on his own and didnt tell you, that was wrong. But come on you can't expect him to put more into the house than you.

free2fly · 13-04-2007 3:48pm

Didn't you post the same thing a few months back? What I don't understand is, if he owns a home, then why is he paying rent AND a mortgage? Why in the name of god aren't you living in his house?

BoozyBabe · 13-04-2007 3:53pm

So, all the people who don't believe in marriage, who've been going out for years & years don't share?

Is that what you think?

They're going out 6 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's longer than lots of marriages last.
Of course they should be sharing. To think anything else is just crazy!!!

So getting back to my point:- if they've to save €400 / per week, but all she actually takes home with her is €200, she has to put ALL that in, & be left with no spending money of her own.
Whereas he has €600 home with him & therefore has €400 AFTER paying the savings to spend on himself.

Anyone in a loving relationship would NOT think for a second that that was fair.

What would be fairer is that she saves 25% of her take home pay & he saves 25% of his take home pay each week

LegacyUser · 13-04-2007 4:05pm

Yes that was me, I explained a few threads up, didn't think anyone would remember the situation I was in!

Well he bought it in the sticks and it's a bit of a commute, doesn't really suit us cos we both have kids who are settled here in Dublin but even if he did suggest moving into it I don't think I could, it's not OUR home, it's His investment. Although I don't know if he would get it rented, it's doesn't seem like a town where people would actively look to rent although what do i know? I haven't asked him what's going on with it in a while so I don't know when it's going to be ready he never tells me where it's at and if I ask he just kind of grunts at me. He mentioned something a while ago about us getting a new piece of furniture in our house and using the old piece for his house which kind of galled me.

Also his mother mentioned something similar and I just feel sick about the whole thing, if it was a friend I'd be so happy for them but cos it's him, supposidly the closest person to me who went behind my back and let me down, I just can't. I'm not jealous or anything but that should never have happened IMO, it should be us planning and trying to get things together and if he thought that he couldn't see a future with me then he should have left me and got himself another girl who's more on his level. I'd live with that but as it is I'm just in some kind of limbo, not really sure what way my life is going to go.

I know we're not married and you have to be careful but we love each other and you're supposed to plan a future with the person you love right? And eventually marraige comes into that, I would definatley have wanted (want?) to marry him.

godtabh · 13-04-2007 4:19pm

If its a joint decision to go 50/50 there is nothing wrong with it but if people are forced into it or left out because they cant afford it then its wrong.

Both parties have to agree on how its done or it wont work

Shiva · 13-04-2007 5:19pm

If it was me who earned more or had more savings it'd be getting lumped into buying a house for the greater good of our future

Obviously I can't speak with any certainty, but I'd hazard a guess that if the above were the case, he'd be more than happy for things to work that way.

He sounds like a selfish bugger. If he loves you as much as he says, he should be thinking only about your future together, especially after you've told him how you feel about the situation.

Its hard to advise you what to do in this case though, considering this is a 6 year relationship and there is obviously a lot of emotional investment on your part, and possibly his.

For what its worth though, I would seriously re-evaluate his commitment to you. I'm not suggesting you end the relationship, but I would certainly sit him down and tell him quite frankly and calmly that you are concerned that he is unwilling to make a solid commitment to your future together, and that as things stand, you are unwilling to waste any more time in a relationship with no future. When he tries to re-assure you that he does indeed love you and wants to be with you, as he has in the past, stick to your guns, and tell him that he needs to do more than just talk about it.

There is a risk that if you push the issue, and I really believe that you should push it, he may admit that he doesn't see you having a future together, and end things himself, especially if, as someone else pointed out, he is using his property investment as a backup plan. However, if he's still unsure about the relationship after 6 years, I'd be of the opinion that it will end sooner or later anyway, and you are better off getting out now. It will be very painful and a huge life-changing event, but if its not to be, its better to endure the pain sooner rather than later, and move on to a better future all the sooner.

Whatever you decide to do, the best of luck.

tbh · 13-04-2007 6:07pm

easyontheeye wrote:

lads woulds yis all cop on! they aren't married!

yeah fair play, he's probably not a dick, and it's maybe harsh to call him selfish, but you'd have to admit, it doesn't seem like he's including her in his future plans, whether that's a conscious thing or not I don't know tho. Either way, I'd be making other plans.

Oryx · 13-04-2007 6:09pm

Hes really giving you mixed signals. On the one hand hes saying he loves you, but on the other hand hes strictly not willing to pay any more than half towards any future you have, which sounds quite mercenary and selfish. I know there are people who will say he shouldnt have to, but honestly, how many couples split every bill down the middle? You pay stuff between you as fairly as possible, and work it out, dont you? (He reminds me of the saying, 'whats yours is mine and whats mines me own'.)

I can understand his wanting to buy a house, and get his foot on the property ladder, that much is a good thing. (I bought a house alone when my bf was stalling on us buying a home.) Whats wrong is that not that he didnt include you, but that he didnt tell you. That was stupid and you need to get him to tell you why he hid it from you. Is he the sort that hates confrontation, who runs away from a row? Do you think he would have preferred to avoid the issue than cause a scene?

He is being incredibly selfish, and is setting up his future in a way that could leave you out at the drop of a hat. Perhaps this comes from insecurity, maybe its because hes not sure of his feelings. Should you leave him because he bought that house? No, of course not. Its not about the house per se. But you should start talking to him deeply about why he's doing things without you and whether you both can continue on together if you cant agree on what you want for your future together.

LegacyUser · 13-04-2007 6:42pm

'I agree Shiva, I really do need to stop listening to his reassurances, cos they're not worth anything, he says stuff like that cos he knows that's what I want to hear and that I'll just fall into his arms and be content with the promise that everything will be ok. Well it's starting to wear thin now and next time he does that I'll just need to be strong and tell him that he needs to show me with actions rather than words

The thing is, sometimes (and mostly when he's had a few drinks) he'll say something about us having kids or getting married and tell me he wants only me and I'll hold onto that but he's not really putting it into action.

At this stage, if I though that he was lying and he didn't really want me and was just staying out of convenience with no intention of committing to me, I'd happily walk away and wash my hands of him. It wouldn't be what I want and I'd be devastated but I'd do it without a doubt. I've given him every opportunity and encouragement to include me in his future and he's just done his own thing. Since I first brought it up with him I've had to mention it 2 times since, and am still none the wiser. I feel very foolish. But then there is a reason why I love him, and he is very good in other ways and is there for me and spoils me a lot. Oh I don't know....

I'd be the first to admit that we're not the best at communicating with each other and avoid things rather than talk about them if we know it'll lead to a row but this doesn't have to, it's just a talk about the future which is completely natural after 6 years, I think. I can't let it go this time.'

vorbis · 13-04-2007 7:26pm

whattodo22 - what do you actually WANT from the relationship? Imo you want your bf to commit to you but are mentioning what that means for you. Bringing it up in such vague terms as above is only going to annoy your bf. He's not a mind reader.

Regards the house, i think pooling your money is less common when you're single. (Most couples I know get married or at least engaged before buying a house together). It sucks that your bf ended up getting a house by himself but again ye're not married. He's allowed have his own investments!

You saying "there's no commitment" would set off alarm bells for me. Ye live together, raise kids and have been together for 6 years!! No offence OP but are you prone to being over dramatic? It sounds like you want to get married? What's your boyfriend's opinion on the matter?

iguana · 13-04-2007 10:42pm

Ime experience couple buying houses are given three legal options.

1. Traditional joint ownership where each part of the couple effectively shares 100% of the house.

2. Co-ownership where each member of the couple owns a pecentage of the house based on what they each pay into the house. So each pay a different deposit and plan to make repayments based on the proportion of the deposits.

3. Co-ownership where each member is guaranteed a certain amount on return of the sale to reflect the deposit they each payed in and a 50:50 split on the remainder. For couples who each pay different deposits but equal reypaments on the mortgage.

If the OP's boyfriend had concerns about joint ownership as he was afraid of losing a lot of his savings if you broke up then that is understandale. But why he didn't discuss the two options where his investment would be protected is not. And the fact that he bought a house, which is an incredibly stressful, time-consuming undertaking, behind your back is very worrying.

Imo, you need to have a serious talk with him about your future. And if you don't get any satisfaction from him you need to seriously re-evalute your relationship. You are only 29, you have lots of time to start afresh. And if you have to you should go for it sooner rather than later.

Carrigart Exile · 14-04-2007 6:28am

whattodo22 wrote:

I really need your opinions on this, I've been with my boyfriend 6 years and we both have kids from previous relationships. We've lived together in a rented house for the last 5 years but even though we live together our lives are so separate and he won't talk about, or plan any kind of a future with me and it's really starting to get me down. About 2 years ago, we spoke about buying a house and at the time my finanical position wasn't good so I told him I wasn't able to then but if he waited or put as much as he could in while I sorted myself out I'd be able to catch up as much as I could then. This wasn't good enough for him and he ended up saving like mad for a year and he earns a lot more than me so was well able to save the deposit for a house in that time. So off he went and bought himself a house and kept the details from me only telling me when he'd actually bought it.

I was stunned when he told me and just kind of denied it to myself and swept it under the carpet, I didn't give him a bit of hassle over it but now I'm 29 we're still living in the same RENTED house, I see my friends settling down with their boyfriends, buying houses, planning weddings having babies etc. and I want that too with my bf cos I love him and i've told him as much. His attitude was, well tough, you weren't able to match my savings back then so you've missed the boat. I'm so upset at the thoughs of us having no future I feel like he's wasted, and is currently wasting, my time. He reckons he's going to rent the house out but what about us? There's no way we can plan a future in the house we are in at the moment, it's too small and so you'd think the solution would be to pool our resources to make the kind of future we both need. I work so have a steady income but it just doesn't match his and he makes me feel bad about that. Also it's not a case that he doesn't want me, he tells me all the time that he loves me, wants to be with me, thinks the world of me, we've both hung on, for 6 years so there is love and everything there between us, just no commitment.

I've spoken to my close friends about this and they say that when they were saving for a house, they didn't count the cost of what each other put in it was THEIR saving for THEIR future yet we can't do anything unless it's divided 50:50 down the middle.

He won't see reason when I tell him that if you love someone and your in a couple you make your future work no matter what, whether one has more money than the other or not he tells me that every couple who has bought a house together has done it 50:50. Am I right here or is he, I'm so confused I just don't know what to do. I told him how I felt about the whole thing about 6 weeks ago and he just tells me all of the above then when I say ok, well we'll have to split up then, he tells me he loves me and we can work this out etc. but nothing happens, action speaks louder than words and I can't help thinking he's just biding his time. What will I do to get through to him, the thoughts of throwing away an otherwise loving 6 year relationship is just killing me :-(

This has been posted before has it not?

davyjose · 14-04-2007 11:09am

I think you should dump him. He's a liar and clearly doesn't care for you. That might seem a glib statement to make, but I would be very surprised if you get much change from him in the future. Sorry

SarahSassy · 14-04-2007 11:15am

With my ex, he earned more than me and we split the bills pro rata and it worked fine. We tried to cover things so that we both had approx the same amount of money left over per month after the bills, mortgage etc had been paid.

I think the lines of communication between you are very blurred. It would seem to be that he feels resentment towards you for earning less than him. Does he feel that he has been supporting you and putting more into the financial aspect of the relationship??

I find it hard to take that he went through the entire house searching and buying without telling you. Where did you thing he was when he was off organising it? I dont advocate keeping tabs on your other half but if he was spending time in 'the sticks' (as you so eloquently put it) looking for a house it would have taken a lot of time up..... Do you talk to each other at all???? It sounds like a lot of resentment has built up here on both sides....

LegacyUser · 14-04-2007 2:08pm

vorbis wrote:

whattodo22 - what do you actually WANT from the relationship? Imo you want your bf to commit to you but are mentioning what that means for you. Bringing it up in such vague terms as above is only going to annoy your bf. He's not a mind reader.

How is that Vague?! I think I've clearly outlined what I want from the relationship Vorbis, I honestly don't think I could make it any clearer. I can only say what it means to me, I'm not a mind reader either so I just had to give the facts to my boyfriend from my point of veiw. When I last posted this was all going around my head and I hadn't actually said anything to him but then I told him how I felt, that I didn't want us wasting time in a rented house or putting money into decorating it when it's not ours, that 6 years is imo, a long time to be together without at least discussing whether we're ready for the next step, i.e. getting engaged, buying a house, getting married, having kids, (over a period of time of course, not all immediately). I also told him that if that wasn't what he wanted, he was free to go I told him all that so at least he knew where he stood with me and could make his decision based on that and I told him to think it over, that I wouldn't be pressurising him into any decision and to come back to me when he's ready to discuss it. Well 2 failed attempts at discussion (he turned them into arguments about completely unrealated issues) and 6 weeks later and I'm still none the wiser, is that fair? I don't think so. Now I have to bring it up again and seem like a total nag but it's something I need to know, and soon.

vorbis wrote:

Regards the house, i think pooling your money is less common when you're single. (Most couples I know get married or at least engaged before buying a house together). It sucks that your bf ended up getting a house by himself but again ye're not married. He's allowed have his own investments!

Of course he is, but the way he went about it is just sneaky and underhanded, there could have been ways around it. I'm a very passive and laid back kind of person, I don't like starting arguments or anything like that, he had no reason to keep it from me, if he'd been honest about it I might have accepted it if there'd been a promise that WE'D also have our own home in the near future but he went and did it behind my back which causes problems cos now he's not a first time buyer anymore. It would have been better if we could have sat down and gone through all the scenarios ourselves. That's what you expect from a person you've given your all to for 6 years, gone through ups and downs with, shared every piece of yourself with, sleep beside every night and yet really he's a complete stranger to me.

vorbis wrote:

You saying "there's no commitment" would set off alarm bells for me. Ye live together, raise kids and have been together for 6 years!! No offence OP but are you prone to being over dramatic? It sounds like you want to get married? What's your boyfriend's opinion on the matter?

Ok he's here and he hasn't gone anywhere for the last 6 years, he's taken on my child and I've taken on his, but that's the way it was from day one and it looks like there's no sign of any further commitment so in effect I'm wasting my time, that's just not good enough for me and I don't see how it's being dramatic. I've said I want to get married but not yet, the most important thing right now to me is to get engaged, at least that way there's some level of commitment, look at buying a house and when we do that, get married when we're in our early thirties and when we're settled financially possibly have a child. The alternative is he goes, I get on with my life and look to building a future on my own for me and my daughter, I'm happy with either but I just want to know.

LegacyUser · 14-04-2007 2:56pm

SarahSassy wrote:

With my ex, he earned more than me and we split the bills pro rata and it worked fine. We tried to cover things so that we both had approx the same amount of money left over per month after the bills, mortgage etc had been paid.

I think the lines of communication between you are very blurred. It would seem to be that he feels resentment towards you for earning less than him. Does he feel that he has been supporting you and putting more into the financial aspect of the relationship??

I find it hard to take that he went through the entire house searching and buying without telling you. Where did you thing he was when he was off organising it? I dont advocate keeping tabs on your other half but if he was spending time in 'the sticks' (as you so eloquently put it) looking for a house it would have taken a lot of time up..... Do you talk to each other at all???? It sounds like a lot of resentment has built up here on both sides....

There is communication issues with us. I know I'm guilty of holding back on talking about what's bothering me to him cos he's quite argumentative and a bit childish when it comes to discussing important things at times. He gets very defensive and brings up things I did and said last year, instead of talking about the issue at hand which can be emotionally draining so with the result I bottle things up, build up the resentment towards him and then just blurt out whatever it is that's bothering me which inevitably leads to an argument. I know we need to learn how to sit down and have a civilised discussion, I've even considered suggesting counselling so we can start as we mean to go on but he doesn't really go for things like that.

I suppose he does feel that we can't do anything unless I can afford it. I've been saving every spare penny I have for a while and I have a bit of savings and recently bought something that I really needed (he agreed that I did so there was no issue there) and that benefited myself and my daugher a lot so I was quite proud of myself and I am continuing to save and should have a good bit by the end of the year so it's not like I'm not putting in the effort into it. I've also been promoted in work and should expect a bit extra in my monthly pay so I am taking steps to better myself and try to match him. He works really hard and earns good money and buys nice things for himself and I never begrudge that. He also buys things for me and has been very generous with his money in buying me nice and thoughful things in the past but I told him that I don't want him to do that anymore so it's stopped, I try to be more financially independant from him & I'd rather he put the money into our future tbh. I've also suggested opening a Joint account that we put equal amounts in to save every month but he won't hear of it. I think it'd be good for the small things we need and things like holidays etc. And it would help me budget better for the big things we need . I don't know if it's that he doesn't trust me or what but he won't do it, thinks there's no need. As it stands if there's a bill to be paid or something it comes out of my account and I then have to let him know to give me half but he might not have it til the following week and i need it, it's just a mess.

Although having said all that, the things he wants to do involve making improvements to this house and the way I see it, it's not ours so why should be put a wooden floor down in the sitting room for the benefit of someone else when we could save that money towards something for ourself? It seems that he wants to stay here indefinatley and that drives me mad. That is the source of all our arguments lately and I really don't understand his priorites.

LegacyUser · 18-04-2007 1:12pm

'I just thought I'd update my situation as I have a whole other issue now and just want some feedback/advice.

The other night, my bf came home from work and gave me the paper and told me to read an article in it about a property crash they were predicting would happen in the next 2 years, I took it as the perfect opportunity to ask him about his house and where he stands. He told me that this is what he wanted to tell me, that he has pulled out of the sale of his house, turns out he had put the deposit on and been approved for the mortgage but that was as far as he got and could easily pull out.

Of course I was delighted in hearing this. He then suggested that we both save as much as possible for the next 2 years and buy a house when we have significant savings to put off the deposit. So that was grand, he wants us to buy a house and I'm happy with that.

Then I got to thinking, is he suggesting that we buy the house cos he wants a future with me or because he's now realised he can't do it on his own (he mentioned if he went ahead with the house, the rental wouldn't have been much and he would have had to subsidise it himself anyway)?? So I decided that the only way I'd know for sure is if I brought up the dreaded subject of commitment.

So I sat down with him last night and told him look, we've been with each other for 6 years, I love you and I want to be with you, we're now planning to save for our own house, have you though about marriage at all? I don't think it was unreasonable to ask him that. If you planning on getting married you want about 3 years to get to that stage anyway so it makes sense to start thinking about it now. I told him that for the moment I don't want to dwell on the marriage thing but I would like to get engaged. Personally it means much more to me than a diamond ring, it means a promise, a commitment to each other and that we will get married. I told him all this and said that at the same time I don't want to pressure him into anything (that's the LAST thing I want) and he needs to tell me his thoughts on it soon so I know where I stand. I told him I wasn't prepared to put it off, this was how I felt and he had to give it his serious consideration and if he decided it wasn't for him that we must then make arrangements to split up. As far as I see it, we either have a future, or we don't and he needs to tell me. I tried not to put a time frame on when he had to come back to me but he said he felt a bit pressured by me now. He said I had obviously given it a lot of thought whereas he's been drifting along happily and he now needs time to think about it. Which is fair enough but I'm not prepared for another year to pass before he tells me.

Please tell me, should he know straight away without having to "think about it" or am I right in giving him the time he needs? Should I be hopefull or not??!'

SarahSassy · 18-04-2007 9:15pm

whattodo22 wrote:

Please tell me, should he know straight away without having to "think about it" or am I right in giving him the time he needs? Should I be hopefull or not??!'

Nobody can tell you that as they dont know him.... TBM, I have seen it go both ways with this kind of situation. Only he knows the answer and no one, including yourself, can predict it. I do think that men like to come to their own decisions (rightly so) about these things and maybe now that you have given him a nudge and a hint you should sit back, relax and trust him to make the right decision. Personally, if he didnt want to get hitched after 6 years I would be outta there but each to their own.

iguana · 18-04-2007 10:18pm

Give him a couple of weeks without bringing it up. Some people can feel a bit different about commitment, it's just not something that's not as important to him as it is to you. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be with you forever.

During that time figure out what you really want and how long you are willing to wait for him to work this out. Then talk to him again re-iterate how you feel, listen to what he has to say. And if he needs more time then talk to him about your time-frame and at least come to an agreement on that.

But, do try and stick to the time-frame. I'm not advocating the ultimatum approach. But if he can't work this out over the next few months then you need to do what is best for you.

Beruthiel · 19-04-2007 7:07am

whattodo22 wrote:

Please tell me, should he know straight away without having to "think about it" or am I right in giving him the time he needs? Should I be hopefull or not??!'

You've given him a lot to think about, as he hasn't done so before, then it's only fair that he give it some time to weigh up the situation.
In one way, I understand what you are saying, if he really loved you he wouldn't need time to think about it, but, better he think about the pros and cons now and come to a decision rather than later sometime down the line. A suggestion of marriage can come as a bit of a shock if you have never actually thought about it, better to come back with an answer when you've calmly given it some thought.

LegacyUser · 19-04-2007 12:09pm

'Yeah, I know. Those of you who replied have just confirmed what I'm thinking anyway thanks. I don't want to go down the ulimatum road so I won't be doing that but I think it's fair to give him the time he needs. While we were talking I think he was getting a little pressured and went on the defensive saying "I'll come back to you when I'M ready not when you tell me to" so I have to watch that as I'm not playing games, it's how I really feel.

I'll give it a month tops, then I'll gently bring it up again just to remind him that I'm serious. You see, what normally happens with us is one of us airs our grievance and the other says they'll take it in but sweeps it under the carpet in the hope it'll never be mentioned again. So I really need him to know I'm serious and I want action, without being demanding! (I don't know if that's possible!)

I don't want to make any rash decisions yet and I'll give him as much time as he needs but if, after 6 months he doesn't know then I'll take the decision out of his hands. I just hope it doesn't get to the stage that he agrees with the engagement, just because he doesn't want to break up with me. I know for a fact he doesn't want to do that and he loves me so it's a awkward one. I suppose I just have to tread carefully with it and hope he's honest with me.'

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