confused 21 year old

LegacyUser · 21-10-2007 9:05am #1

Ok, this is gna be a long one...bear with me..

When I was 14, I met this guy *Gary through a band. They were advertising for a singer at the time. Anyhow thought I was too young at the time, we met up a few times to jam. He was really helpful to me with advice and loaning me CD's etc. To him, it was a big brother thing as I was 14, and I really liked him but I knew he was way too old(25). Anyhow, for the next few years we kept in touch by txt, and I'd always go to him with any probs I had. I had a tough time with my family growing up due to alcoholism and he was always at the other end of the phone.

I started going out with a guy *darren, when I turned 16. We only broke up there 6wks ago after 5 years. Things btw us weren't going well for a while, I felt like we were friends more than in a relationship. The sex was practically non-existant aswell, although that was down to me - I just didn't feel comfortable with him anymore. Our sexlife was never very adventerous though, I never felt I got the chance to move on from being the naive 16 yr old he met. I'm a different person now, but I felt I couldn't be that person with him. Darren is the most amzing person, he would have done anything for me, and it killed me to end it, but I did it and I'm really proud of myself for having the guts.

However - there's something else. My texts with Gary started to get flirty the last few months. Before we have kind of flirted but we would always say 'ha,as if. sure you're like my brother/sister!' - yknow something like that. But these texts were pretty steamy, full of innuendos. There's always been this strange link btw us and it felt like we had to meet up to see what it was. Anyhow, we booked a hotel and met up, just to chat all night the way we had been doing. . I just wanted to see if there was anything there btw us. So, he lives a few hours away from me so we met halfway. That night we went or a drink and I had such a great time, we never stopped talking. In comparsion, I'd gone out with my boyf a few week before and we went home as we'd nowt to talk about. Anyhow, we went back to the hotel andtalk about sexual tension!! As I said..the texts had been pretty heated - saying what we'd love to do to each other etc...but that it wasn't gna happen. We were jokiin about who would give in, we had to try 'break' each other with no touchin! So we just watched a movie...but halfway into it he started stroking my hair and asking if it counted as touching since it wasn't skin - man it was hard not to give in ! But I did give in. I didn't sleep with him, I didn't let him below navel at all....but I didn't need to. He simply blew air all over me without touching me at all - it was mind blowing. Then...I did kiss him etc...but no sex. At one point he asked me if I regretted anything we'd done so far - I said no, then he said would you regret it if we did anything else, I said yes so he said 'this is where we stop then. It kiled me, but I knew that as bad as what I was doing was - sex would confuse the situation even more.

Afterwards, I felt so guilty, I was upset. He went back to being my best friend, and cuddled me telling me that things happen for a reason and not to worry etc. He made me feel so wantedm and I just knew then that my relationship wasn't right for me. I didn't fee lthe way I should about darren.

Now, gary was straight with me from the start. He told me about his ex and how he just wanted to be single for a while. He told me how he never lets himself go fully into a relationship because he got hurt yrs ago and won't let it happen again. He said some ppl think its selfish, but he thinks its protecting himself. He could see his ex falling in love with him, but he kept at a distance. He talked to me about everything over the year, and I him, he was my rock for so long.

When I came home the next day, I broke up with my boyf. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I knew what I did was so wrog and I knew I wasn't ahppy or I wouldn#t have done it. I never told him what happened - because I knew it would hurt him even more. There was know need to tell him to ease MY guilt.

I text gary that night and told him - he rang me straight away to check was I ok. I was crying over the phone to him alot over the next week but he was really there for me. At first he wanted to make sure he wasn't the cause of breaking up a 5 yr relationship - but I told him he was simply a factor. I know he doens't want anything more. The texts continued between us, we said we'd meet up again and I was realy looking forward to it.

However, he started a new job at work and got really busy. He text me saying not to be ofeended if it took him a few hours to answer my texts cz he was run off his feet. But that didn't last - and one text he sent me bascially said he couldn't get any work done but he couldnt stop textin me either. So, we said we'd ease up the textin for a while. But then he also said that he'd love to meet up and spend more time with me, but he couldn't see it happening in the near future as he's working 24/7now and can't get away(I'm 4hours away). I got frustrated that the textin was going nowhere and we kinda got thick with each other - but it ended in us saying the texting all day had to stop. He said he'd love nohting more than to see me again but he knew I wasn't that kinda girl, and hes not that kinda guy.

However - the textin is still happening. And I think I've fallen for him. I know a relationship will never come out of this - but I don't want to lose him either. This is the one person whos ALWAYS been there for me, I 've had so many ppl let me down in life growing up. What if what we did has totally messed that up and we can't have that anymore? The sexual chemistry there is dangerous, if we met up we would just jump on each other. From that one night alone, I can see how experienced and freking HOT the guy is! I've only ever been with my boyf and I don't want to start sleeping around now ...but MAN! The thing is, sleeping with him would be a bad idea now as I feel like I'm getting emotionally attached...
but at the same time I just want to meet him again and see what happens. He really is a lovely guy, my best friend, but now I do't know where he fits in.

Its like fate but theres never been a right time or place for us and it stinks

in fact theres never been an 'us' and probably never will be.

I don't know what answers I'm looking for here....maybe just an outside opinion.

syklops · 21-10-2007 12:24pm

Why cant you be with him? Whats so wrong with it? Your 21 and here is.. 26? It matters when your 14, it doesn't matter once your over twenty. You are so lucky to have found a best friend who you are attracted to. Whats so wrong with it?

curiousxxx1 · 21-10-2007 12:34pm

syklops wrote: »

Why cant you be with him? Whats so wrong with it? Your 21 and here is.. 26? It matters when your 14, it doesn't matter once your over twenty. You are so lucky to have found a best friend who you are attracted to. Whats so wrong with it?

+1

MagicMarker · 21-10-2007 12:47pm

Your texts got all flirtatious and steamy for a few months and so when you decided to meet up you guys thought ''HEY!, lets get a hotel room''....

WTF?

The_Scary_Man · 21-10-2007 1:09pm

Hi Lost86,

Sounds like you're pretty confused as to what is right for you at the moment. You don't want to lose this guy from your life because he's been such a support but you feel that if you start a physical relationship with him that this will over complicate things and you might lose the support anyway. I don't know if I'm on the right track here but please correct me if I'm not.

Just going on what you've said yourself it looks like you don't really want to get emotionally attached at the moment or are afraid that getting attached will only bring you more pain. You've just come out of a long term relationship and it seems like you want to get yourself back on solid ground again before getting involved with someone. I think thats a pretty good way of dealing with it.

*Gary has shown a great deal of honesty in opening up to you also but it seems that he is telling you something as well. When he says that he finds it difficult to deal with intimacy in a relationship I think that he's setting up an excuse should things start going badly between you both. I think that you heard this in what he said already. He seems to be as confused about it as you are though.

The strength of the physical desire you hold for him seems overwhelming at times and I can understand how after just coming out of a serious relationship that has had it's own troubles that that kind of intimacy would be extremely tempting but would it make things any better?

I think you've answered a lot of your own questions if you read over your post again. When you talk to Gary next, and I would think that in a situation like this texts just won't cut it in terms of quality of communication, explain the turmoil you're going through and ask him straight out the questions you want answered. If he answers them then you've got clearer information to base your decisions on, if he doesn't then thats an answer in itself.

Sometimes when we go through big changes in our lives we need to re-define our significant relationships as well. For as long as you were going out with Darren then any questions about yourself and Gary could be put aside as unrealistic, and so didn't really need to be figured out. Now you're out of that relationship and the boundaries have been shifted and it will take some soul searching to figure out where you want them to be re-placed. If Gary isn't willing to be part of that decision and wants to leave it all up to you then that makes the decision all the harder but the decision still has to be made.

I can see that this is hard for you so take it easy with it and mind yourself.

Trust in yourself and you'll make the right decision in the end.

jawlie · 21-10-2007 1:23pm

lost86 wrote: »

Ok, this is gna be a long one...bear with me...
Afterwards, I felt so guilty, I was upset. He went back to being my best friend, and cuddled me telling me that things happen for a reason and not to worry etc. He made me feel so wantedm and I just knew then that my relationship wasn't right for me. I didn't fee lthe way I should about darren...

Now, gary was straight with me from the start. He told me about his ex and how he just wanted to be single for a while. He told me how he never lets himself go fully into a relationship because he got hurt yrs ago and won't let it happen again. He said some ppl think its selfish, but he thinks its protecting himself. He could see his ex falling in love with him, but he kept at a distance...

I text gary that night and told him - he rang me straight away to check was I ok. I was crying over the phone to him alot over the next week but he was really there for me...

However, he started a new job at work and got really busy. He text me saying not to be ofeended if it took him a few hours to answer my texts cz he was run off his feet. But that didn't last - and one text he sent me bascially said he couldn't get any work done but he couldnt stop textin me either. So, we said we'd ease up the textin for a while...

However - the textin is still happening. And I think I've fallen for him. I know a relationship will never come out of this - but I don't want to lose him either...

Its like fate but theres never been a right time or place for us and it stinks

.

Although it is said that unrequited love is the perfect love because it never changes, take a step back and look at all this. Apart from thinking you ae in love, what is it about gary that attracts you. Is it his unreliability, his self confessed inability to form relationships, his not-being-able-to-reply-to-texts-because-he-is-so-busy-at-work, or his ability to play with you saying he can't stop texting you so you both decide to stop texting?

Without wishing to be harsh, he doesn't love you, and even if youi do love him love is not, contrary to the fairy tales of our childhood, enought of a rock on which to build a relationship.

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He is not, so that should tell you something.

As to it being "fate", fate is what happens anyhow, and our ability to make our own decisions means we do not have a pre determined path through life.

Get out, meet someone else who is able to commit to you and love you!

LegacyUser · 21-10-2007 2:05pm

he was 26 when I was 14 - he's now 32.

But he seems about 26 still!! That doesn't bother me as my ex is 28.
In the past this never came up because for a start I was too young, and secondly either one of us was always wiht someone. We had to stay in a hotel as neither of us wanted to travel 4 hours so we met halfway. Trust me, I had no intentions of doing what I did, but I don;t regret it at all.

The problem is - I know he will never want a relationship with me. No matter how long the textin go's on for or how many times we meet up. Realistically I know he won't want more, and he's told me that. He's basically said he doesn't want any kind of relationship right now and that I should be single myself for a while too and sort my head out. Yet - the textin continues - and its wrecking my head. Its like I've been with someone for so long that I'm scared to be by myself - so he's filling that void for me. I do feel strongly for him, but I've been in love, and its not love ,yet.

I don't know what to do because you're right - he's been there for me so much - and I need someone to be there. I don't want to lose him, but I don't know what you would call our friendship now. He's not the type to play games, he's always been straight up with me. When I was with darren, he said the ball was in my court, the thing is that it doesnt seem to be anymore.

Its just a horrible situation and its my own fault.

Miss Fluff · 21-10-2007 2:50pm

lost86 wrote: »

The sexual chemistry there is dangerous, if we met up we would just jump on each other. From that one night alone, I can see how experienced and freking HOT the guy is! I've only ever been with my boyf and I don't want to start sleeping around now ...but MAN!

A. I'd hardly call that sleeping around

B. Book a hotel room with him again and get down to some serious action, I don't know why you're second guessing yourself. Go and enjoy.

LegacyUser · 21-10-2007 8:29pm

If it was anyone else Miss Fluff, then I wouldn't be over analysing it at all - trust me!

But its just theres so much history there..

and as for it not being sleeping around - well its weird for me now cz I waited like 2 yrs before sleepin with my ex, and to just jump into bed with someone else doesn't seem right.

oneeyedsnake · 21-10-2007 9:20pm

Outside opinion?No prob!!!I think the down jones has been under performing for the last few months and that there is alot of money to be made in options for the investment bankers who have had their ears to the groung in the last few weeks,if you know what i mean.

estar · 21-10-2007 9:26pm

oneeyedsnake wrote: »

Outside opinion?No prob!!!I think the down jones has been under performing for the last few months and that there is alot of money to be made in options for the investment bankers who have had their ears to the groung in the last few weeks,if you know what i mean.

its dow jones. go to some other forum and talk sh&te. there are plenty
of them.

Nevyn · 21-10-2007 9:47pm

Estar banned for 1 week for not reporting posts and for commenting on them which are off topic.

gal_anonim · 21-10-2007 11:02pm

I also believe it was a harsh banning. Is pointing out the obvious a banning offence now?

if you want to ban me for saying so, I will DoS you site til it drops.

l3LoWnA · 21-10-2007 11:56pm

If I were you I'd meet up with him, spend a weekend with him - why do ye need a hotel? Hasn't he got a place of his own? Is he hiding anything from you? So you really know everything about him?

If you meet up with him, you'll rid yourself of all the tension going on inside you - you obviously WANT him sexually so go for it. You're already attached so I don't know how that could get any worse. As long as you remind yourself that it's just a f*ck-buddy situation and you're the same with him after as you always have been I don't see why you shouldn't meet him.

he's not getting any younger and as much as he says he wants to be single for a while, he'll meet a girl eventually who he wants to settle down with and when he does, it'll be too late for you if you dont meet up with him now . . . if he meets someone else will he still be your best friend and be textin you as often?!? You might lose him regardless if he gets married or something so you may aswell fulfill your desires now as the may end up unfunfilled and you'll regret not going for it!!!! You've already almost had seex so you might as well meet up to sort out that unfinished business.

Just my own opinion.....if he's already given you the "i want to be single" line and all that do not prepare yourself for a relationship with this man as he's obviously not interested in that, but he seems to be interested in friendship and there's nothing wrong with two friends sorting out each others frustrations and desires as long as you both understand wher eyou stand!

If you end up losing contact with him eventually, is it such a bad thing if you have always desired him and he doesn't feel the same way?!? it's just guna keep on hurting if you have to keep in touch, attend his wedding etc etc wishing all the while it was you...

"He told me how he never lets himself go fully into a relationship because he got hurt yrs ago and won't let it happen again. He said some ppl think its selfish, but he thinks its protecting himself"

I've had those exact same words said to me before.....the guy in question was no more protecting himself than the man in the moon, he was keeping all his options open, he was a perfect player in every sense. A selfish, horny man who threw all these words at women who naively belived him and fell in love with him every time. He has hurt so many people in his life, has a massive string of exes and children left behind...he had the CHEEK to cry to me over his children that HE left behind....he's in his mid-thirties now - I had my doubts from day 1 but eventually got sucked into his games and ended up hurt - be careful as he is so much more experienced that you in life and in love and knows exactly how to act and what to say to you to keep you available to him if he ever needs you!!! It's amazing to see those words typed in your post as they are WORD for WORD what my ex always said to me!!! He was a w*nker, who was so kind, generous and "there" for me & my daughter (whom he got extremely close to) I thought he was my perfect man - now he's someone else and they've just had a baby - god knows how long he'll stick around there for, and next month/year he'll be some-one lse "perfect" man too so remember that! I know your guy could be far from a player but I'm still warning you.

But I'd still f*ck him as it sounds like it'll be great!!!

My ex was the perfect lover

Marksie · 22-10-2007 5:56am

gal_anonim wrote: »

I also believe it was a harsh banning. Is pointing out the obvious a banning offence now?

if you want to ban me for saying so, I will DoS you site til it drops.

Estar had tracked oneeyed snake across several thraeds and ignored warnings to stop.

gal_anonim: I am not banning you for your comments I am banning you for making threats to spam boards

LegacyUser · 22-10-2007 6:18am

I know it sounds that way - but hes not manipulating me - my eyes are wide open here. He's a great guy - or we wouldn't have been friends for so long. Its like he just wants to look after me and its sweet, but now we've messed things up b getting together I guess, its not the same. Even when we were with other ppl, we were still friends before, I guess I'm thinking it would be the same if it happened again. He's living at home at the mo cz he's building a house., so staying with him isn't really an option. Plus it would mean travellng 4 hours, thats why we met half way.

I'm well aware he could meet someone he wants to marry etc, but I think we'd still keep in touch - just not the way we are now. To be honest though, I can't see him settling down for a while.

ah there really are no answers is there?!

Thanks for all the advice though, I think 'the scary man' kinda hit the nail on the head. If I meet him again I'm going to get hurt in the long run.

thanks

justsomebloke · 22-10-2007 7:34am

truthfully I think there is a lot of heart ache in your future. You are falling for your first love, chances are you have idealised this man, who I am afraid seems to be a bit of a wanker. He fed you lines about that you couldn't have a relationship but he also got you into bed (although you didn't have sex) while you where still in a 5 year relationship.

To me it seems that he finally thinks you are now a woman and so are fare game to add to his list of conquests which is a shame as your friendship is probably now ruined for ever

Marksie · 22-10-2007 8:15am

lost86 wrote: »

ah there really are no answers is there?!

Not really, no right or wrong way either.
Just lessons to learn as you go through.

That and not closing yourself to any possibilities in the future.

LegacyUser · 22-10-2007 8:52pm

The thing is - he's not my first love - and I don't love him, I just know I could. My ex was my first love and I'll never forget him, I just don't love him anymore.

I know we will never have a relationship. I know that he has more power here than I do, but thats my own doing not his.
I can't do the **** buddy thing cz thats just not me. Its grand for some ppl, but I know I'd always want more from a situation like that and in my opinion, someone always gets hurt in those situations.

I guess I know myself really that I just need to ease off from talking to him for a while. So thats what I'm going to do for now..and see how things go. Maybe try to get back to the way we used to text before ,without the heated stuff. I'm well aware this is 70% me and 30% him , he's happy either way.

thanks for listening, I just needed to write it down y'know?
Appreciate all the advice.

I'm gonna go enjoy being single for a while

confused 21 year old

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