should I bother asking a man on a date?

LegacyUser · 16-12-2007 10:04PM #1

Since I was in my 20s, I have asked out men, if they were shy, and the relationship worked... most times. (I'm in my mid 30s and still single.) I thought I was being smart by just followign my heart, and asking out guys who seemed too shy to do the asking.

I am now wondering if, though they are flattered when I ask them out, they seem to eventually lose interest, if I did the pursuing. Do men value women more if they have to work harder, I am depriving them of that and is that the dealbreaker?

Also I had a boyfriend who, when we broke up, pointed out that we slept together on the 1st or 2nd date (we were friends before we dated) is that in the same category as the above point?

I thought we were in a modern age but if not, I don't mind changing how I operate, but I hadn't realized.

the_syco · 16-12-2007 10:28PM

Sorry, no advice, just to say fair kudos's to you for asking us shy guys out.

AARRRGH · 16-12-2007 10:31PM

I think it's natural for men to be "hunters".

Personally I think you shouldn't be asking men out. Not because of some sexist reason, but because I don't think it works very well. Like, it reeks of desperation a bit... (even if you aren't desperate.)

I think there are other ways to get men without having to ask them out...

Marksie · 16-12-2007 10:31PM

Personally i would be delighted. But its something i have been banging on about in PI for ages. That women should feel they can ask guys out.

As for the sleeping on the first or second date, his problem and sounds like an excuse to me.

Play it by ear though, a cofident guy will aske, but a shy guy you are intersted in wont.

A guy who has no idea you fancy him may appreciate broad hints or a direct approach.

I can't see why you should waste time in pussyfooting around. if you want it go for it :-), life is too short.

K_P · 16-12-2007 10:31PM

the_syco wrote: »

Sorry, no advice, just to say fair kudos's to you for asking us shy guys out.

+1.

I don't really have much advice either, and being of the female persuasion, I can't give you the male perspective you're probably looking for. I can't see how you asking the guy out would make them eventually lose interest, especially if it's developed into a proper relationship as opposed to just dating. If they had a problem with being asked out, surely they'd baulk at your suggestion in the first place.

wahlrab · 16-12-2007 10:33PM

don't stop asking guys out, it's really cool that you have the confidence to do it unlike most women

JMCD · 16-12-2007 10:40PM

Most definetely!

Some guys are quite shy when asking a girl out even when its obvious to both parties.So if the girl knows that the guy likes her she should ask him out.

Quite impressive in my book if you can ask a guy out......but then again some guys might find it intimadating.

chump · 16-12-2007 10:41PM

Maybe it's the type of guy, the 'shy' guy?

Perhaps they have some unrealised desire to do the hunting?

Or perhaps they can't say no when a girl asks them out and 'throws' herself at them on the first date?
ie. Why wouldn't they go with the flow?

If a man is 'into' you he won't be offput by you not throwing yourself at him, he may even find it endearing.

Make the man do the work, make him jump through hoops

LegacyUser · 16-12-2007 10:41PM

Personally speaking, as a bloke I would love to get asked out by a girl. I would be seriously flattered.

Never mind all that hunter nonsense, it is still a woman and a man and the date would go accordingly.

I wouldn't think any less of a girl asking me out and in most cases I would never have asked had I not been given some very obvious signs.

Go for it and tell all your friends when he says yes.

kjt · 16-12-2007 10:51PM

Fair play to you! More women should do the same as you. I think what dublindude said is absolutly crazy!!!

Best of luck!

AARRRGH · 16-12-2007 11:10PM

kjt wrote: »

I think what dublindude said is absolutly crazy!!!

My opinion would reflect what she's experiencing though...

dRNk SAnTA · 17-12-2007 01:22AM

Don't stop asking guys out. I'm a guy and would have absolutely no problem with it. I really don't think being more cold is the way to go, it doesn't sound like you're doing much wrong to me. Stick with it.

delos · 17-12-2007 01:50AM

Don't change - if its done with a bit of confidence (but maybe not too much

) it won't come across as desperation. You might frighten someone but don't let that bother you either. I was pretty shy and very feckless and if is wasn't for women who would ask men out I'd probably be living in a bedsit eating beans from the tin.

tootall667 wrote: »

Also I had a boyfriend who, when we broke up, pointed out that we slept together on the 1st or 2nd date (we were friends before we dated) is that in the same category as the above point?

If he had such a problem with this then he shouldn't have slept with you on the 1st or 2nd date, should he. He's just being vindictive (and hypocritical). The more confident women who know what they want and make it happen, the better....

SeanB2089 · 17-12-2007 03:12PM

Yes, we do live in a new age but its still the same old story...men cant understand powerful women, especially women who know what they want and go get it!

Never change, for anyone...in my opinion, should be more women like you.

Hope you find a man worthy of you....and as they say, behind every good man is a woman...

Sean

AnonoBoy · 17-12-2007 08:19PM

I'm always flattered if a girl asks me out, even if I'm not interested and say no I don't think it reeks of desperation.

As for sleeping together so soon - my current girl I slept with the first day I met her and I think none the less of her for it. It was something neither of us do very often but the connection was there and it felt right. If your ex can't deal with sleeping with someone so soon then why did he do it? It's his problem, not yours.

Reku · 17-12-2007 09:40PM

tootall667 wrote: »

Since I was in my 20s, I have asked out men, if they were shy, and the relationship worked... most times. (I'm in my mid 30s and still single.) I thought I was being smart by just followign my heart, and asking out guys who seemed too shy to do the asking.

I am now wondering if, though they are flattered when I ask them out, they seem to eventually lose interest, if I did the pursuing. Do men value women more if they have to work harder, I am depriving them of that and is that the dealbreaker?

Also I had a boyfriend who, when we broke up, pointed out that we slept together on the 1st or 2nd date (we were friends before we dated) is that in the same category as the above point?

I thought we were in a modern age but if not, I don't mind changing how I operate, but I hadn't realized.

Definitely keep at it, just keep following your heart, hopefully you'll find someone who you can spend the rest of your life with. As for guys being put off by not having to chase you, they'd quickly get bored with any woman they did have to chase once they have her if it was that simple. Being less work is not going to be that offputting to them, in fact in psychology they claim that the perceived work put in vs. the perceived reward is a factor in whether we like someone (less work to more gain is better).

Ellsbells · 17-12-2007 09:50PM

To be honest and from experience I dont think you should bother asking them out....

I have learned the hard way that men do like the chase and from my experience and friends experiences, generally if you start it he finsihes it....

Its a sad fact..

panda100 · 17-12-2007 11:01PM

Ellsbells wrote: »

To be honest and from experience I dont think you should bother asking them out....

I have learned the hard way that men do like the chase and from my experience and friends experiences, generally if you start it he finsihes it....

Its a sad fact..

Am in complete agreement.
Ive said It before and Il say it again,If you want a long term relationship with a guy then dont ask him out. In theory of course we should be able to ask a guy out and sustain a relationship but as me and most of my female friends have experienced it just doesnt work.
My new stratergy is not to ask guys out but to make damn sure they know im intrested in them. If they dont take the hint and ask me out then I just leave it.

Zirconia · 17-12-2007 11:42PM

Ellsbells wrote: »

To be honest and from experience I dont think you should bother asking them out....

I have learned the hard way that men do like the chase and from my experience and friends experiences, generally if you start it he finsihes it....

Its a sad fact..

Well no, it's not a fact! Whether you asked him out or vice versa has no real bearing on whether the relationship goes anywhere in the long term. Simplifying relationship failures to this level is ridiculous. In my own opinion, women who always expect the men to do the chasing are just plain lazy and selfish, and I've avoided them in the past.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect them do all the work either, but I do respect a woman who is equally willing to ask or be asked out - they tend to be better balanced and confident people from my experience. I've asked my fair share of women out, and I've been lucky enough to have been asked out occasionally, and I finally settled down with one of the latter, and we've had a wonderful relationship for the past five years.

The real fact is that most people have to go through several relationships before they find one that works out, and saying that the relationships didn't work out because the woman asked the guy out is crazy. If he loses interest, the last thing to blame should be who asked who out.

Nevyn · 17-12-2007 11:50PM

Ask then out if you want to, it is just coffe or a date not the foundation for a relationship.
If they want a relationship then they should have to work at it as should you.

Laslo · 18-12-2007 12:29AM

chump wrote: »

Make the man do the work, make him jump through hoops

Don't like men much?

Reku · 18-12-2007 12:33AM

panda100 wrote: »

Am in complete agreement.
Ive said It before and Il say it again,If you want a long term relationship with a guy then dont ask him out. In theory of course we should be able to ask a guy out and sustain a relationship but as me and most of my female friends have experienced it just doesnt work.
My new stratergy is not to ask guys out but to make damn sure they know im intrested in them. If they dont take the hint and ask me out then I just leave it.

If you're making "damn sure they know im intrested in them", then it's clearly nothing to do with the chase since once they know they have your interest the chase is over.

The only thing lads who ask you out have over those that don't is confidence, which in some cases may be down to a greater willingness to commit themselves to the relationship and thereby improve it's odds of lasting.

The question is are you assessing your new strategy vs. the old one by how many short term relationships you have as obviously by reducing the number of relationships you're having you're biasing the results. Also there is the possibility that as you are less open to new ones you feel you need to put more into the ones you do get in and as a result they are faring better for this reason.

Which also brings me to the point that these generalisations to me are just peoples' ways of shirking off all blame as to why a relationship did not work out, no relationship will end for a reason as simple as this unless it was but a meaningless fling and neither of you really invested yourselves in it. Relationships and why they end are usually as complex as the two people in them.

MonkeyWrench · 18-12-2007 09:05AM

panda100 wrote: »

Am in complete agreement.
Ive said It before and Il say it again,If you want a long term relationship with a guy then dont ask him out. In theory of course we should be able to ask a guy out and sustain a relationship but as me and most of my female friends have experienced it just doesnt work.
My new stratergy is not to ask guys out but to make damn sure they know im intrested in them. If they dont take the hint and ask me out then I just leave it.

I completely disagree with this tactic. As stated before that is really taking the relationship to a very simple level as to why it wouldn't work out. As a guy I have been asked out a couple of times in the past but my reaction had nothing to do with the fact that I was being asked out by the girl, it was just simply down to the fact that I was either interested in her or not. Putting blame on the chasing game is just a copout IMO.

Deediddums · 18-12-2007 10:05AM

To be honest I think you should keep asking guys out if you want to. It's clearly a reflection of your character as a forthright, confident person - if he is the type of guy who would balk at you asking him out, then there are likely to be other things in the course of the relationship that he would be put off by, you're better off finding out at the start in my opinion.

Dragan · 18-12-2007 10:50AM

dublindude wrote: »

Personally I think you shouldn't be asking men out. Not because of some sexist reason, but because I don't think it works very well. Like, it reeks of desperation a bit... (even if you aren't desperate.)

I am going to disagree with dublindude. There is nothing hotter than a chick asking you out. Then again, i am the type of guy who will happily ask a lass to meet me for drinks/dinner/whatever....so when a girl plays that card with me it instantly shows me she is confident and happy with herself and that is just sexy.

Also, with regard to you ex telling you that you slept with him on the 1st or 2nd date....it should be noted that HE slept with YOU as well.

Men are, by and large, stupid creatures who will adopt one role and set of rules for them and one for you. I see my friends do this all the time and it just makes me laugh. Wait till you find the dude who treats you like an equal.

panda100 · 18-12-2007 12:10PM

Dragan wrote: »

Men are, by and large, stupid creatures .

uh I hate this PI generalistaion so much!!Men are not fu*king stupid!You run most of the world after all! Stop playing this men are stupid card!Its almost as ridiculous as saying all blonde women are dumb.Patronising,silly and not true.

Dragan · 18-12-2007 12:45PM

panda100 wrote: »

uh I hate this PI generalistaion so much!!Men are not fu*king stupid!You run most of the world after all! Stop playing this men are stupid card!Its almost as ridiculous as saying all blonde women are dumb.Patronising,silly and not true.

*chuckles* My apologies. However, as i bloke i am simply pointing out my observation that men are inherently stupid creatures, myself included. It's not an insult, merely an observation about us a species is all.

The Hill Billy · 18-12-2007 01:08PM

Stick with it OP. If Mrs Billy hadn't asked me out all those years ago I wouldn't be the happily-married, father of two wonderful boys that I am today.

nialo · 18-12-2007 02:39PM

I don't see why people still think its the 'mans' job to ask someone out. If your interested go for it. That should work for both sexes. Takes two to tango but only one to lead.

I wouldn't stop asking someone out because your female. Best of luck finding the right one.

should I bother asking a man on a date?

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